


Nothing Within Vanity

by surskitty



Series: Step Aside and See the World [12]
Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Coming of Age, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, the revolving door to the afterlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:25:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 96,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surskitty/pseuds/surskitty
Summary: Neku's moved off of campus and back to Shibuya, which means those conductor duties Joshua asked of him are a lot less abstract. It's a pity friendship doesn't come with instruction manuals.Sequel to Keep Your Eyes on This Corruption and Between the Black Dirt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this was a long time coming. Sorry for the wait; things got hectic around November 2016 and I didn't start writing again until a few months ago. In the meantime, I got married, got my college degree, got un-married, and all-around had a very exciting time of things, but I'm here now! I hope you enjoy this story of Neku and Joshua trying to work their shit out, and I promise the ending will be at least a bit happy.

There's nothing like having your own apartment, and Neku's got the dorkiest grin on his face as he kicks the last of his dorm bags into the closet. "Thanks for helping me move in," he says, and Rhyme shifts her weight as she smiles up at him, though not nearly as much as she used to. She's growing up just like the rest of them; he just hopes he won't need to worry about her having dating drama, too.

"Neku, you're family," she says frankly, though he and Beat aren't like they were. Maybe it doesn't matter: they're family anyway, and Rhyme's dubious as she glances between his pile of stuff and the main room. "Are you sure you don't need more space?"

"I'll have it once Josh does his part," he assures her, and it's a lot easier for him to believe what he's saying than it used to be. "He's magic: least he can do is fix his boyfriend up a real room."

"If you're sure," she says, uncertain, and honestly, he would be, too. It's a total matchbox apartment, after all, and not even dying got them all used to the supernatural. "Didn't he pay your half, too?"

Yeah, and a vacation, but it's not like that. "He's not my sugar daddy," he grumbles, and she chokes.

"Don't tell Beat that," she says, trying not to laugh. "You'll hurt his ego."

Beat's ego can take it, he thinks, and he takes out his phone to send Joshua a text. He's already got a message, though, before he can type anything himself: `Really, Neku, as if I could afford your time. Have some self respect!`

Okay, that's the downright weirdest compliment he's ever gotten, and he loses it, cracking up as he shows it to Rhyme. She giggles, but it's choked off, and Neku cackles as he takes his phone back. "Neku, you dated my brother!" she yelps, and he did, but that's _over_ and he's with Joshua now.

` Put my room 2gethr,` he tells the guy, and if Joshua's gonna be paying him for his affections, Neku's gonna be the most expensive gyaru in the world.

He tells him that, too, and he keeps giggling as they bicker until Rhyme gets his attention. "Neku? I gotta do homework, so …."

"Yeah," he says, looking up from his phone, and oops. "Yeah, see you, Rhyme. And -- let me know if you need help with anything, okay?"

"Yeah, I will," she promises. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

He won't, and it's easy enough to shoo her out, everything important done. He's moved in as far as he can do himself, and neither of the Bitous like the supernatural shit, so he takes a deep breath and leans back against the wall, wondering if he crossed the streams too much. Nothing he can do about it now, and he sighs before he hears someone softly clearing their throat.

Joshua, of course, politely near the door, and he waits for Neku to glance at him before he takes off his shoes and steps past the threshold. "Everything to your liking?" he asks, and what's Neku supposed to say to that?

"I still need my room," he says, and Joshua's lip curls in a pout. "Company's better than my folks' place, though, you gotta admit."

"And am I 'company?'" Neku opens his mouth, but Joshua continues anyway, not letting him speak: "You're always welcome in my city, Neku."

Bastard, he thinks without heat, and he really wishes sometimes Joshua didn't have to make things so _complicated._ It's his job, though, or part of it, and Joshua strides into the closet purposefully as he takes out a marker (oh no) and draws a circle on the back wall freehand. It matches the paint, thankfully, or else Neku'd be out the deposit Joshua paid, but it still makes him a bit nervous and the characters he inks around it glisten in a way that makes his ears hurt.

Something like the reaper sigils, he supposes, and the sight of Joshua doing whatever it is goes straight to his gut, part of him wanting to serve or fight the composer in equal measure. A psi thing, he realizes, and he thinks Joshua notices it too because it cuts off when he turns back around, a door materializing behind him. "Your room, conductor," he says, his mouth quirking up, and Neku scurries past him to open it to distract from missing that imprint. It felt _nice_ for a moment, and his room is -- his room is also really nice.

It's a bit smaller than it was back down in the sewer, but it's **homier** now, more in keeping with the aesthetics of the apartment, and the flooring's been changed to tatami mats. The Shibuya mural dominates his first impression, of course, the thing detailed enough he bets he could always catch something new, but the lighting's different and the whole place feels **grounded** in a way it wasn't before.

Lived in, by somebody who can actually live. Joshua walks past him as he's still judging the place, and he pulls away what Neku thought was a closet door to reveal a folding screen, letting him section off his bed from the desk. "Are you going to unpack, or shall I?" he asks, and Neku gestures to let him do the honors as he whistles and his clothes start floating out of his bags and hanging themselves up, probably shaking out any wrinkles in the process.

Cheater, Neku thinks, and he lifts Joshua into a hug, the guy utterly weightless even as he stays stiff and Neku's left wondering what's eating him. Could be anything, he decides, and he kisses Joshua's forehead as he sets him back down, none the worse for wear. "Thanks for the apartment, and everything," he says, and Joshua flushes at his sincerity.

"I believe your roommate'd prefer if I wasn't here," he says neutrally, leading the way out of his room, and Neku winces again. He and Beat will be _fine,_ even if they're not there yet, and Neku doesn't want to treat Joshua like his dirty little secret.

"Josh, you're my guest," he says firmly, and Joshua's face goes a bit odd. "You don't have to run off all the time, okay? You're my friend, and we're **dating,** you big goof. Relax."

And maybe they can even break the apartment in properly, if Joshua's up for it, but the guy only softens a little and runs his hand through his hair, self-conscious. "I have work to do and your apartment's not the place for it, I'm afraid," he says, and -- oh. Right. In some people, it'd be an excuse, but Neku believes him and doesn't want to -- doesn't want to get in the way of Joshua doing his job as benignly as he can.

"I'll visit you," he promises, even if he really wishes the guy wouldn't live in a sewer, and the guy huffs a laugh.

"I'd like that," he says, and he vanishes, leaving Neku with the weird feeling that being in the same town as Joshua again's just going to make everything a whole lot more complicated.

* * *

"Phones, you home?" Beat calls, and Neku jerks up from his nap. He didn't hear the door open, but then, his room **is** magic: no surprise everything's a bit muffled.

"Yeah, I'm here," he says back, and he hurries out to see his new roommate. Beat raises an eyebrow at him coming out of the closet, but Neku plays it cool, pushing some jackets aside to show off the new door. "Josh set it up so I can use his spare room up here," he explains, though it's not really a _spare_ room.

It's the conductor's quarters, and Neku's the Shibuya conductor. For now, that doesn't mean much, but Joshua's bound to make it an issue sooner or later. He keeps that thought off his face, though, as he shows Beat what Neku's got to himself, and the guy whistles. "Damn, you could fit the apartment in here."

"I don't get wifi," he says, like that makes up for anything, and he rubs the back of his neck. "Rest of it's pretty cool, though, yeah?"

"Shit, man, I'd trade anytime, if it weren't for --"

He cuts himself off, and yeah, that. Maybe this is why people say not to room with your ex: Neku's not sure if he wants to offer to share or make sure Beat never goes into his half, and the worst part is he still likes him. "I'm going to J's," he blurts out, like that'll make shit less awkward, and Beat just looks at him for a moment.

"Aight, cool," he says, and Neku is _out_ of there. Everything's better when he's got fresh air, and he bolts down the stairs to get to the street before he whoops.

He's got an apartment! He's got an apartment and a lot of it's really cool and his room has a skylight and everything! And a desk! And a little workspace! He should be so excited, and he _is,_ but a lot of him's got no idea what he's doing and he's kind of terrified, actually, convinced it's all going to come crashing down.

It's okay. It's okay, or it should be okay, and he takes the roads he's gone down all his life to get to the station, and then he follows the graffiti to the Shibuya river. It might be him one day, he knows, who's got the job of marking it all out of living people's vision, and the idea raises the hair on his neck. He's safe for now, though, but he's scared of responsibility, and he forces it out of mind as he looks for a certain killjoy.

Or maybe the guy's got a joy of killing, and he'd laugh if it wasn't all aimed at him. Joshua's basically harmless, though, and Neku missed him. The semester's long and his vacation was longer, and Neku wants to pay the guy back for everything he does. They're dating, after all, and Josh needs to get the stick out of his ass and something else in. The thought cheers him enough he barely cares about avoiding sewer muck; he's gonna shower anyway, and later he can yell at him for his gross choice of secret hideout.

He still doesn't know the freaking key combo, but the door opens on its own as he approaches and he heads in. "It's me," he calls, kicking his shoes off, and Joshua catches them in midair without moving from the couch, the shoes vibrating as the muck slides off, before neatly settling on the rack. No one else is here, of course, and Neku grabs his monkey slippers before going to join Joshua in his pile of paperwork.

" _Don't_ sit down," Joshua says, eyeing his trousers, and he's not that disgusting, is he? "Go clean up; my rain belongs outside."

Asshole. "It'd be faster if you helped," he tries, but Joshua waves him off, ink filling in under his hand as he keeps working. Fine, be like that, he thinks, and he heads off to shower, disappointingly alone. Lousy ass dead boyfriend.

Well, he can be a bit of a dick if he wants to, and Neku takes his time washing up, Joshua's bathroom still as decadent as ever. No hot tub to soak in afterward, though, and Neku debates internally if he should ask. He wouldn't be the only one using it, but keeping Minamimoto out … eugh. No.

He grabs a bathrobe after he's done, and he tries not to sulk too much as he heads back out. He just wants to feel appreciated, okay? Like Joshua missed him while he's gone, and _not_ like he's an unnecessary distraction who's probably got Outside Cooties.

It's cold as hell back in the lounge, but his slippers are next to the door and he slides them on, glancing for where the composer went off to. The dart board, apparently, but he stops to look at Neku and his cheeks flush. "You could have asked for clothes," he says neutrally, but Neku gives him a come hither look and Joshua swoops in, kissing his neck and then picking him up.

He's too scrawny to be able to carry Neku properly, but gravity bends to his will and he adjusts to have Neku bridal style as he gazes down at him. He's still grumpy, Neku can tell, but he looks at Neku like Neku's the most beautiful thing in the world and it almost makes up for it.

"I can still walk," Neku says pointlessly, but the composer merely brushes Neku's hair out of his face as he takes him to the couch. The reports vanish when Joshua _tch_ s at them, and then he floats Neku with a bit of psychokinesis as he sits down and rests Neku's head in his lap.

"This is a good look for you," Joshua tells him, and Neku'd take off the robe if it was less fucking cold. Joshua's hands are warm today, though, drying Neku's hair as he runs his fingers through it, and he should get his scalp, too.

"I'm living in Shibuya again," Neku says, though Joshua already knows, and that glint of the composer's teeth -- he expected it, but it's still strange to see Joshua get possessive.

He doesn't push it, though, leaning in to kiss Neku's forehead as he massages Neku's shoulders, and Neku could fall asleep right here. "Shibuya appreciates it. … I do, as well. "

 _Me too,_ he means to say, but the words die in his mouth as what was nice for his head is very much not for his more sensitive parts. Josh isn't _that_ cold, but he's firmer than Neku was expecting and only Joshua's intent gaze keeps him from complaining. It's hard to mind too much when somebody's giving you a handjob, and he lets out a whine as Joshua teases him, the guy enjoying it entirely too much.

"I want to take care of you," Joshua adds, his other hand still stroking Neku's hair, and Neku really can't seem to mind right now. "May I ...?"

 _Do something with his head,_ he doesn't say, but Neku nods furiously and the composer slipping in almost makes him come right there, Joshua's presence too overwhelming for him to notice anything but the sensation. He's being marked as Shibuya's again, he realizes, but Joshua kisses his face some more and he's being marked as Joshua's, too.

Yes, sure, anything, he thinks but doesn't say, sure he'd end up babbling, but Joshua finally kisses him where he can kiss back and Neku feels him sending a command: `Come on, now.`

So he does, no order easier to follow than the one he wants anyway, and Joshua keeps petting him as he tries to get his breath back.

"Sorry," he says hoarsely, uncomfortable with being that fast, but Joshua shushes him, content. "Wanted to help _you_ feel better."

"I already do," Joshua says, cleaning him up, and Neku shudders. "Neku, Neku, Neku, what _am_ I to do with you?"

"Feed me?" he suggests, though he isn't really all that hungry. Joshua chuckles, brushing Neku's hair away from his face, and Neku watches him lazily. "I do want to know what's wrong, though."

And Joshua's smile falters, though he doesn't stop stroking Neku gently, possessively. "Reapers can't travel," he murmurs, and what? _Oh._ "You're very good, Neku, and I -- I'm disgusting for even contemplating taking some of your options from you, I suppose."

He kind of _is,_ but Neku's not angry about it. "I like Shibuya," he says cautiously, "and I'd said I'd -- you know, a few months ago, so ...."

"Do you want to?" Joshua asks, wary and hopeful and furious with himself all at once, and Neku has no idea how to answer.

He doesn't want to die. He doesn't think anyone _ever_ really wants to die, and he's spent too much time bleeding out to want for that to happen again. But if he could just _be dead_ \-- "I don't know," he admits, and Joshua closes his eyes. "I liked going places I've never been, and being normal for a while, and just -- getting to be human, in a lot of ways I didn't think I'd want. But the UG's incredible, too, and everywhere I went ... they're just places, you know? They're different from here, but I couldn't sense the **energy** like you do, and it didn't ... matter. It didn't feel real."

"I'd keep it painless," Joshua promises, intent and cold and _hunting._ "I'd treat you well, and then you'd be dead, never to leave Kanto while I compose. But you would be a god, you know; you don't need the city behind you to write things to your will."

And Joshua would be there. "And after that?"

"You'll erase me," he says, vibrating in satisfaction, and Neku couldn't do it when he _deserved_ it; how could he -- but Joshua's enjoying the thought and Neku hasn't left Joshua's lap, isn't sure he even wants to. "If I'm lucky, They'll bring me back and ascend me afterward, but regardless, Neku, yours is the kind of soul the Higher Plane **loves.** It'd be straight to ascension for you, my conductor, and young angels regularly spend decades traveling to learn the ropes. Perhaps you'd even get to travel with _me,_ dear Neku, but regardless --

He stops and leans in to kiss Neku's chest, so self-satisfied even as Neku's nauseous at the thought, and finishes: "I'd make it easy for you."

Like it fixes it; like it helps; but Neku knows Joshua and knows he doesn't mean it the way Neku's taking it. He swallows and presses against him, wishing he'd had something other than a robe, and Joshua kisses him again before unbuttoning his shirt and sliding his jeans off, careful not to make Neku move. He's not sure that's quite what he wanted, but having them both nude's better than Joshua being fully clothed, and Neku scrambles up to get the robe off as Joshua watches him like he's the only thing worth looking at.

"It's cold in here," Neku says, setting their conversation aside, and Joshua conjures a blanket for him with a snap of his fingers, sprawling over the couch so Neku'd have to be the smaller spoon, and Neku sighs a bit as he settles in to cuddle together, his back to Joshua's chest.

"You're what I'm here for," Joshua murmurs into his hair, and Neku'd like to pet him. "I love my work, but you **see** me, Neku, and if you join me -- I won't waste away by myself again. I want to retire with dignity; I doubt I'd be promoted otherwise. The Higher Plane doesn't need anyone who's forgotten why they care at all."

"Yeah," he says, for lack of anything better, and he feels Joshua pressing his head against Neku's back, shaking silently. He's tempted to roll over to check on him, but Joshua shoots that idea down, sliding his arms around Neku to cling desperately. "You okay?" Neku says, and Joshua makes a muffled sound that isn't really an answer. Neku takes his hands in his, and that helps a little, Joshua releasing a wretched noise.

"I'm glad you're here," he says, and Neku thinks he might be crying, though he won't hurt his pride by checking. "Ah, this is embarrassing -- it wasn't supposed to be like this, you know."

"This is better," he tells him, and he means it, too. He still means it as Joshua's hair tickles his shoulders, as Joshua snarls in furious English that Neku doesn't understand a word of. His accent's not much better than Neku's, but he's angry and frustrated and Neku lets him know he's not bolting, lets him cry in peace if that's what he's doing. Neku hates how heavy their conversations get, but he can at least do that much.

Joshua isn't a bad person. He's overbearing, and Neku doesn't always know how to handle him, but Joshua's not a bad guy, and Neku knows he'd drop the subject if Neku asked. He'd keep it dropped, too, and if his job'd be the elephant in the room ... well, Neku's wrangled elephants before. It's harder than it seems, but he can do it, too.

Neku could ask, but he won't. Joshua **makes sense** to him, even when he's twisted and morbid and more than a little fucked up, and Neku's got a bit of all that in him, too. They're similar, and they might as well acknowledge it.

Joshua releases his tension slowly, his stuttered movement coming out as laughter, and Neku gently brushes over his thumbs. "Our binding is still here," Joshua murmurs, and Neku doesn't need to give his hands back for him to trace along where he'd drawn, all those months _(a lifetime)_ ago. "You can't see it, of course, but maybe if I ... ah."

"If you ...?" Neku prompts, and even if he doesn't notice a change, that binding left him psychic when he first got it. Anything Joshua's fooling around with -- well, he should tell Neku first, that's all.

"Most of the power's gone from it by now; it all went to your wings, you see, and now you're of my UG but can't use my power," he explains, and he presses his lithe body closer to Neku's. "I tried recharging it a little -- you'd barely notice, I think -- but all that happened was ...." He trails off, nuzzling him, and Neku feels him trying to entwine his legs around Neku's own.

Unhelpful clingy bastard, Neku thinks without heat, and Joshua hums in contentment. "Was ...?"

"You smell really good," he finishes sleepily, and Neku shakes his head. "Feels good, too, like I'm doing the right thing by claiming you. Think it might've been the feather ...."

Well. Neku releases Joshua's hands and extricates himself enough to roll over despite protest, and he kind of wants to laugh. Joshua's kind of tiny, tucked below his head like this, and he's less than surprised when the composer slides up too much for them to fit together comfortably. Silly short people, he thinks, but then Joshua's face to face with him and his breath hitches. He's so **intent,** but Joshua just takes one look at him and grins, satisfied.

"Shibuya's the only district I sense on you," he says, and Neku scrunches his eyes shut. Oh, goddammit. "You know," he adds, calculating, "I might not be able to leave my district for long, but I might -- perhaps -- be able to step out. Briefly. -- And only if you're with me; I'm not going to let myself be stranded without someone to carry me back if I need it."

Wait. "You can leave Shibuya?" he repeats, hardly daring to hope.

 **"Briefly,"** Joshua says back, and he hops up to perch on the couch, utterly unconcerned by his nudity. "My Game can't run without me here, Neku, and other composers won't tolerate my presence for long. If it means something to you, however, I'm willing to step out and leave myself defenseless if you promise to protect me. -- I admit I find Akihabara's reputation intriguing, if you're up for it."

Neku stares up at him, then starts to laugh. He doesn't stop for a while, either, even as Joshua looks up at the ceiling for guidance. "Shibuya's illustrious composer, lured out by fan merch," Neku says, and Joshua crosses his arms. "Tell me you aren't planning on looking for Slammerai shit," and Joshua's whole face is red. "No! **Really?** "

"If you can eat ice cream, I can appreciate a work of art without you hassling me," he snaps, which is a **blatant lie.**

"It's a kids' show."

"And I happen to like it," he says primly. Neku reaches up and pushes him off the couch. "I'm doing this for you!" he calls, getting up and rubbing his head and Neku almost feels guilty for a moment, but he's _fine;_ he's just a drama queen. "I just thought that if I'm asking you to leave your comfort zone, I should return the favor."

"My _comfort zone?_ "

A level look. "Wah, wah," he says, petulant, "dying is difficult and I don't want to. Well, Neku, you've died more times than I've left home."

_"Because you've killed me."_

"Oh, quit whining." Neku throws a pillow at him. "In all honesty, Neku, there are other reasons I'd like for you to be dead: have you ever been interested in seeing alternate universes?"

"What, like in science fiction?" Joshua nods, and Neku vaguely recalls him talking about a tin pin world. And those _fucking incredible_ articles he brought back from that one vacation he went on. "How different are they?"

He leans on the top of the couch, thinking, and Neku pats down next to him. Joshua hops over and lets him spoon him (properly, this time, and Neku doesn't want to hear any whinging about height) before answering: "Most of the ones I check for research purposes are very similar to this one, though Sanae has more finesse in that regard. I wouldn't bother bringing you to any of those, of course, but the ones where I'm not composer ... the tin pin world's very nice. As are many of the others, though I haven't personally been; I exchange emails with a Joshua who is a small shark, for example."

"A shark," he repeats, and Joshua stretches languidly, pressing up against him, and for all he knows, this Joshua's a shark, too.

It'd certainly explain the decor. "A dogfish," he concedes. "I believe his Neku is a brine shrimp."

... brine shrimp? _"I'm not krill!"_ he squawks, and augh, Joshua's laughing at him. "Why do you get to be something cool when _I'm krill?_ "

"Krill or be krilled," he says blandly, and all right, that gets a noogie. "I don't know, Neku; in that world, we're all singing sea life, and _you_ happen to be krill. Very attractive krill, mind. Absolutely the most attractive piece of krill I have ever seen photos of."

Singing sea life. He'd be sure Joshua's mocking him, but it isn't all that much more ridiculous than the idea of a world revolving around Tin Pin. He just wishes he was something cooler than brine shrimp. "Krill fetishist," he mutters, and Joshua mentally suggests Neku pet him. He really doesn't deserve it right now, but Neku entwines his fingers through Joshua's hair, and yeah, okay, he's just as cute as ever. Jerk. "So, what, you want to take me on a whirlwind tour of silly alternate universes once I'm dead?"

"Oh, they're completely serious," he assures him. "It isn't like they exist solely for our amusement; they're worlds in their own rights, and they have lives of their own. But yes, Neku, I'd like to show you _my_ kind of vacation."

"After we do our Akihabara shopping trip," he states, and Joshua hums agreement. "Then you can ... do what you need to do." He can't say it.

He can't even really think it straight on; it's big and horrifying and even if he knows Joshua won't really hurt him, he doesn't want to die. He doesn't! And he hates that -- he hates that he can go from being normal to really being not, but the transition is sick and awful and oh, fuck, what is he going to tell his friends? He just agreed _to die,_ and Joshua shushes him, caresses his face and tells him he's wonderful, that he'll be okay, that everything is fine, and it's **not.** It isn't. It can't be.

"I won't hurt you," Joshua says, fierce and low and Neku wants so much to believe him but he's going to need to die again to become a reaper. "Neku, I swear to you: if you -- _when_ you're ready to join me, it won't be another one of your nightmares. I promise."

But he'll still have to die. Joshua closes his eyes, and Neku remembers all over again that Joshua too has died for power. Neku knows what he's getting into, though, while Joshua ....

Joshua's Joshua. There's no point feeling sorry for him now, not when he's made his choices and he couldn't change them if he'd wanted to.

"I knew, too," Joshua tells him, quirking a smile. "Less than I thought, of course, but I had as much control over the matter as I could hope."

Maybe so, but Neku knew jack squat at fifteen. He doesn't even know anything now, though he's better off than he had been. "This conversation's depressing," he says, sitting up, and Joshua looks at him. "Can we talk about something else?"

"What would you like for dinner?"

They bounce a few ideas off each other -- finally settling on chicken with peanut sauce -- and Neku nearly gets up to help with the rice or something, who knows (he's not much of a cook), but Joshua won't let him. He's not exactly disappointed by that, either, especially since Joshua merely sticks an apron on as his concession to decency and cooks in the nude.

He's tempted to tell him off for that, but there's something weirdly arousing by the flash of Joshua's ass as he flourishes around the kitchen, his psi letting him multitask, and it takes Neku an embarrassingly long amount of time to think about getting cleaned up and dressed. At least put pyjamas on, for fuck's sake, and he takes his time washing up.

Oh, good, Joshua made sure his PJs were here. "Thank you!" he calls, and Joshua imprints him the sensation of his own satisfaction.

Joshua's quiet as he serves them both, comfortably poised at the table, and it's Neku who first says itadakimasu, Joshua falling into step a fraction behind him. And fucking hell but is Joshua a hell of a cook, the breast meat seared just enough, and Neku makes sure to thank him for that, too.

"I'd never done this before," Joshua admits, a little pink, and Neku stares at him. "-- I'm the composer, Neku; I found someone who knew how to do it well and copied from their memories. They're the ones you should be impressed with."

"You cheat your cooking?" Neku echoes, and Joshua inclines his head. "Well, you still had good taste in who to steal from, I'll tell you that."

"Yes, discrimination is a skill in its own," he concedes, leaning back, and he's pleased with himself. Well, if he's able to cook like that, he's got every right to be, even if it's not really his own skill.

Joshua stretches casually, his shoulders more defined than Neku really thinks of them being, and he realizes he's staring. Joshua doesn't mind being watched, though, and he shrugs the apron off, uncaring of logistics as it passes through him and he folds it neatly before teleporting it off to whatever he keeps that sort of thing. "Something wrong?" he says, and his chest is an even tan without him ever needing to go outside.

"It's fine," he says uncertainly, and it is. Joshua turns away, though, his wings sliding down and out, and Neku's not imagining that sly glance and careful posing. He's trying to show off, and Neku swallows, though he couldn't say what about the display is actually working.

"You should preen me," Joshua says, gesturing to the seat next to him, and Neku hops over, trying to keep it cool. Joshua bends down, his chest on Neku's lap to leave his wings nicely accessible, but Neku grabs his ass instead, extremely conscious of Joshua's dick just barely touching his leg.

"I wonder if I can make you beg," he says conversationally, and he feels Joshua glancing at his brief thought of working him up with his voice and thoughts without giving him any of the _contact_ he desires, as Joshua futilely gets in close. It's just a thought, but Joshua amends it all the same: ` insult me, and then you have something promising.`

Out loud, though, Joshua just says: "Nothing you can manage right now. Preen me, would you?"

Not really what Neku was thinking, but he buries his hand into the feathers along Joshua's back, not even really bothering with the wings themselves just yet, and Joshua sighs in relaxation. "You like this more than sex, don't you," he grumbles, scritching under a quill as Joshua fluffs up to let him at it, and Joshua hums agreeably. "Enough to keep me around just for this?" he asks, and it takes him a moment to absorb the question.

"I like _you,_ " Joshua says back, furrowing his brow. "Now get -- _yes,_ that's it exactly ... do continue, please."

Neku stops for a moment, just to be contrary, and Joshua looks up at him in displeasure. Neku's not a pet and he's not for ordering around, but Joshua keeps watching him, irritation fading to confusion.

"Is something wrong?" he asks, and Neku pets him again, giving where the shoulders of his wings should be special attention as Joshua slowly relaxes into that boneless mess Neku's got on his lap.

Maybe Neku's got that backwards, and he vaguely wonders how much attention Joshua's paying as he mulls it over. Probably not that much, considering he's too out of it to put a coherent thought together, but it's still awkward. Neku's one of the focal points of Joshua's _life,_ and he doesn't think he'll ever get used to that. Joshua's the pet, if either of them is: he stays put and not much changes with him without Neku's involvement, and even if real pets need feeding and cleaning and things, Joshua depends on him in his own way. Neku could get by without him, if he wanted to; Joshua ... Joshua would rather die. (Er, be erased. Whatever.)

And not in some romantic 'I can't live without you' way, either; Josh just ... Neku has thought about it a bit himself, and he doesn't know how Joshua could meet someone else he could trust like Neku, either. It's uncomfortable, but in moments like this one, when Neku's got nothing he needs to worry about for a while and Joshua's lost in his weird happy trance thing, it all seems manageable.

But Josh wants him with wings and that's not a step he thinks he's ready for. He might never be ready for it, and then where would Joshua be? That's not fair to him, Neku knows for damn sure.

"Doesn't need to be fair," Joshua says sleepily, and Neku swats him lightly. No peeking. "Life's not fair. Death isn't, either ...."

They aren't, but they should be. Whenever they can make it so. "I hate feeling like I'm leading you on," he grumbles, and Joshua looks up at him, blinking slowly.

"Stop for a second," he says, and Neku does, then gets his hands off Joshua's wings entirely when that's not enough. Joshua stretches, getting his thoughts in order as he puts his wings away and awareness slowly comes back to his face, then sits up, straddling Neku's lap. "Neku, listen to me," he says, serious, and Neku does. "Normally, you would be right, but you're not wasting my time. There's nothing to waste, Neku: I'm not giving up opportunities to pursue you, and I don't much care how long it takes to have an answer. You're _alive,_ Neku, and if anyone's time is important, it's your own. Decide things for your own sake, not mine."

Easy for him to say; _he's_ the composer, and Neku gets partway through thinking that before Joshua shakes his head slightly and Neku tries actually _listening._ "It's stupid, though," he says after a moment, "because if I take you up on it, I'm not gonna age, either! So why does it fucking _matter_ what I'm doing with myself right now?"

And Joshua just stares at him before inclining his head and shaking. "It doesn't," he concedes, and Neku can't tell if he's laughing or upset, "it doesn't matter, Neku, because you have all the time in the world, but we always -- we always **think** it does, you know, we think there are things you're supposed to do when you're young and innocent and -- you're right, Neku! You are absolutely right." And he's grinning, though it's a bit manic. "It doesn't matter, it really doesn't, and maybe you'll cut off some options but **everyone** does, especially at your age."

"You were younger," Neku reminds him, and Joshua shrugs almost imperceptibly.

"I was clueless," he corrects. "I didn't want any of the choices I gave up. ... Still don't, really, though I don't advise you to copy **me,** Neku, dear."

"You turned out okay," Neku tells him, and Joshua stops in disbelief. "You're kind of a jerk, but you turned out pretty okay, Josh. You're all right by me."

"I'm sure you can judge," he mutters, and then he kisses him. Neku sort of knew to expect it, but it takes him by surprise anyway, Joshua nudging him slightly so he has to look up.

He should do something with his hands, he supposes, but Joshua's content working on his lips and cheek and even laying a peck on his forehead again, his hands on Neku's shoulders for leverage and Neku closes his eyes and lets himself be kissed. Joshua chuckles at that, and Neku feels something wet and light on his left eyelid, then the other. And then he cracks his eyes back open and Joshua's nibbling on his nose, proud and sly and completely ridiculous.

Neku can't help but laugh at that, and he guides Joshua to lie back down on the couch so _Neku_ can be on him this time. Joshua looks a little disappointed, but he's just not done using his mouth, and Neku offers him his hand to suck on while he tries to think of what to do. Joshua does so eagerly, of course, nibbling at his fingers and sticking his tongue under the nails, and Neku doesn't know whether to be grossed out or charmed.

"You don't like anal, do you," he checks, and Joshua hums confirmation. "Maybe this, then," and he moves to get them lined up as he slips out of his trousers, his cock brushing Joshua's as Joshua squeaks, and he's a bit amused Joshua craned up to keep his hand in his mouth. He fans out his fingers and glances up to see Joshua's cheeks bulge out, then takes his hand back. "Pervert."

"You're one to talk," Joshua replies mildly, licking his lips, and Neku takes them both in hand as Joshua sighs. "Shall I?" he adds, and Neku nods.

Joshua's fingers are cool around his own, and Neku's breath hitches as they cooperatively work at their cocks, Joshua quiet for once as Neku thrusts forward and pushes them both against Joshua's stomach. Joshua tilts to meet him, but he's lazy about it; still, the friction is more than welcome, and Joshua's hand sneaks around his waist to pull him close.

"Nearly --" Neku warns, and Joshua nods, hand sliding down to squeeze his ass as he comes. Neku tries to watch them both, but Joshua's pulling him too close and Neku lets him pull him down onto him.

They should be sticky, but they aren't this time, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. "Love you," Joshua says, and yeah, okay, Neku'll let it go this time. Especially if -- mm, Joshua's hands massaging his shoulders, and it's suspiciously difficult to care about anything other than their afterglow. Damn psychic.

Joshua doesn't deny it, either, and Neku just about manages to glare at him before melting into a pile of goo himself. "Sleep well, Neku," Joshua says, and he mumbles agreement before fading out.


	2. Chapter 2

Ugh, this couch might be nice, but remind Neku to always wash up afterwards, because he feels _weird._ But at least there’s a hand in his hair petting him, and it takes him a minute to register it as Joshua’s. It just feels … safe.

“Take your time,” he says kindly, and Neku cranes up to look at him. Behind the couch is better than absent, but Neku still wishes he’d ever wake up entwined in him, and Joshua leans down to kiss his forehead. “There’s no rush, Neku, love.”

There kind of is, though, and he sits up to work a creak out of his neck. “You sent me to sleep?” he says, and Joshua shrugs confirmation. “At least put me to bed first, fuck.”

“You needed it, and moving you seemed more trouble than it’s worth,” Joshua says back, setting some oatmeal down on the table, and Neku takes it gratefully. “Were you sleeping well, where you were?”

He slept fine last night, anyway. “At school?” he checks, and yep. “It was … fine, I guess. Noisier than here.” In both senses.

Joshua watches him eat some of his food, then sits next to him, leaning on him immediately as he buries his hand in Neku’s hair. “That can be fixed,” he says gently, and Neku’s face heats. He didn’t think of asking a reaper to erase it, okay? He will next time, if he can’t do it himself. “You see further than most humans, Neku. Use it.”

“And did you?” he snaps, but he already knows the answer. There’s no way Joshua’d ask for help, even if he saw monsters and knew people who could fight them; he shouldn’t expect –

“You’re better than me,” Joshua says back, voice cold, and Neku stops, takes a deep breath, relaxes as Joshua plays with his ear. “No, I never had someone erase the noise, Neku; I thought I could tame them, convince them to spread to my peers, watch them fall apart and leave me alone. I was an idiot: they always ate more than it was worth to lose. Be better.”

He’s so casual about it, and Neku tries to picture it, tries to picture being vindictive enough to watch as people fight like those girls did and know it’s a little bit your fault. Neku was like that, too, once, but – it’s not the same. “How old were you?”

A hum, thinking. “Seven when I had the idea, twelve when I started waiting for Players to take care of it,” he says, pushing his hair back, and he looks at the fish tanks, smiles at them. “I grew up with the UG, Neku: I thought it was _funny._ It was easy, and they deserved it, and I hadn’t thought of trading favors with the reapers to get things to taunt them with.”

He’s so forthright about it that Neku almost assumes he’s joking, but it’s Joshua. Of course he was a vicious brat. “Did that actually work?”

He shrugs. “The players assumed I was a reaper if I acknowledged them, but it worked with Kouki.”

And most of the rest are erased by now, Neku remembers, and Joshua inclines his head. “You shouldn’t have been alone,” he says, a bit uselessly. Neku’s here now, and Joshua’s _better_ now, but it’s not right. He should’ve been there, or someone should’ve, anyway.

“We’d’ve hated each other,” Joshua says, and Neku did already. “Neku, you met me after I mellowed. When I was alive? There was **nothing** interesting enough to distract me from the UG.”

As opposed to now, when he’s _still_ obsessed, and Joshua swats him. “Oh, stop that. It’s different now, Neku, you know it is.”

“Yeah, it is,” he says, and he means it. “Nah, it’s fine. It’s just funny, is all.”

“I hope you mean that,” he grumbles, and he’s sulking. Neku sneaks in to check his face, and Joshua hurriedly turns away, but that just means Neku can _give him a noogie!_ “Excuse me.”

Nope, not excused! His hair is soft, and so’s his head, with enough squish to make noogieing him more like kneading dough, and Neku’s going to keep mucking up his hair until he gets bored no matter how Joshua flails. “You’re trapped, composer.”

“Ah, such betrayal!” Joshua covers his face with his arm as he swoons, and Neku sits on him and leans back, totally proud of himself. 

“You’re never going to recover from this.”

“I wouldn’t want to,” he replies distantly, and he slides out from under him to pull Neku into a hug. “I’m glad you’re my friend,” and that’s not just – there’s a lot there, and Neku isn’t sure how to respond to that.

“I’m glad you are, too,” he says, and he gulps. “You know, if you hadn’t – shot me, and did all that other stuff, I wouldn’t have friends, either. It was still a **rotten** thing to do to someone, but –”

A chuckle, and Neku tenses. The last thing he needs right now is some kind of _the ends justify the means_ thing, but Joshua doesn’t give it. “I wonder what it would have taken, for me,” he murmurs, and Neku squeezes his shoulders. 

“It’s not – it’s not too late, you know,” he says, and he really fucking hopes it’s true. He thinks it is, but …. “You’ve got me, and Coco, and Lollipop.”

A low hum, and: “You forgot Sanae.”

“I did that on purpose,” he says, and Joshua laughs. “Still, though, I know it’s hard for you to meet people, but you’ve got people who care about you, you know. You’re not totally alone.”

Another low noise. “I suppose you’re right,” he says, and he gives Neku a quick clench. He’s not very good at hugging, but they stay there for a while, and Neku – Neku thinks it helps. It’s hard to tell, but either way, it’s better than nothing, and nothing’s what – nothing is all Joshua’s gotten for a long time, really. Neku hates that. “I like it when you get protective of me, Neku,” he says, sizing him up, and Neku’s face heats. “You should do it more often.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” he says back. Joshua shrugs; that’s what Neku thought. “Don’t put yourself in danger so I’ll have to protect you, either.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” He ducks his head, though, and peeks up at Neku: “I can’t promise I’ll make it to Akihabara, but would you like to show me around …?”

He really meant it. He really meant it, and from his mouth, it sounds like a big deal, though it’s not that bad of a walk. “Sure. You know where you want to go?” The blank stare tells Neku all he needs, so he continues, “I’m going to go clean up, so you think about it, okay?”

“All right,” he says, and Neku shivers at Joshua’s nervous tension. It’s really not that far of a trip, just a few kilometers, but to the composer … well. Neku can guess, and he hurries off to wash up.

He doesn’t take that long, and there’s a change of clothes for him on the counter as usual. He appreciates the gesture, but …. “Could you get some things out from my room?” he says, and Joshua sends him a quick affirmative. He pictures the exact outfit he had in mind, then closes his eyes for a moment. Okay, there we go. “Thanks.”

Joshua’s on the phone when Neku gets back out, and he waits politely for him to finish. Doesn’t take him long, at least, and Joshua gives him an odd smile. “Well, Shinjuku has agreed to let me in, so long as I stay out of their UG.”

Wait. Joshua is even more a UG resident than Neku was, and crossing districts was … not pleasant. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Sanae swears I’d survive it,” he says frankly, and oh dear. “It’s an entirely reasonable condition, Neku: as composer, the only way I could ever enter their UG is with the intent to conquer. Alternate universes have some leeway, but Shinjuku would reject me. Thoroughly.”

 _“Great,”_ he says, and he might not want to make Joshua chicken out, but this is sounding less appealing by the moment. “Do we have to do Shinjuku? If you’re only going once, I wanna show you the bay.”

“I already made the call,” he starts, but Neku’s face falls and he relents. “All right. Minato today, then, assuming I can get permission, and we’ll shop next time.”

“Sounds good,” Neku says back, and he’s proud of him. A bit of spontaneity is a wonderful thing, and if Joshua hasn’t left Shibuya in decades, getting some sense of the world beyond is **way** more important.

It’s a big world, and neither of them have seen much of it. “Shall we go, then?” he says, standing up, and Neku nods. 

“Let’s.”

* * *

Neku’s apartment’s along the way, more or less, and Neku’d left his camera, so he ducks onto the sidestreet to get there. Joshua’d mention if he’s in a hurry, right? “I’ll just be a minute!” he says, and Joshua waves as he takes out his phone. 

Swiping his key card is way more exciting than it has any right to be, and Neku can’t keep the dorky grin off his face as he takes the elevator up to the correct floor. The dorm was cool, but he has an apartment! It’s _his apartment!_

“Beat, you home?” Neku calls as he goes through the door, and he hears an answering sound from the tiny kitchen. The whole place is tiny, really, but he pokes his head in and there’s Beat, eating eggs straight from the pan as he leans against the counter.

“Hey, Neku,” he says groggily, trying to pretend he wasn’t too lazy to use an extra bowl, but Neku doesn’t care. “Didn’t think you’d be back this early, or I would’ve made more.”

“I ate already,” he says easily. “Hey, did you settle in okay?”

Beat stops eating to scratch his neck. “You sure you meant it when you said I could have the whole place to myself?” he says, suspicious. “‘cause you don’t need to be a stranger, you know.”

“I’m fine, really,” he assures him, and he goes to show him his room again as he looks for his camera. It really **is** pretty nice, but Beat’s still dubious, and the sound of the door opening again only makes him more so.

“Neku,” Joshua calls, and they both glance back at him near the doorway, Beat a bit on-edge. “Be sure to bring your bike, too; I don’t know how far we’re going.”

Not that far, he’s pretty sure, but he nods anyway. “Make sure that guy knows to look out for cars,” Beat mutters, “‘cause I don’t know he’s got the sense to.”

“I will,” Neku says back, equally low, and he hides a smile at Beat’s concern. They’re all trying, and Beat follows him back out of his room once he’s got his camera and everything, Joshua still near the doorway like he’s not sure he’s supposed to be here but didn’t want to back out. 

He really should have just waited outside, but Joshua bows in greeting and Neku notices that Beat’s more bemused than irritated, some understanding between them he doesn’t get. “Good morning, Beat,” Joshua says politely, and Beat inclines his head. 

“You two going somewhere?” he asks, a bit gruff, and Joshua smiles at him.

“Neku offered to show me the bay,” he says back, and he moves close enough to Neku that Beat’s eyes narrow, though he relaxes almost immediately. “I don’t get out much, you know.”

“… just bet,” Beat says. “Well, you two have fun,” and he doesn’t wait for them to reply before bolting back to the kitchen awkwardly. Neku’s got no idea what to do with that, either, but he takes his bike and checks that he’s got his camera and heads out, Joshua trailing next to him as they take the elevator down. 

“I thought you were staying out of my apartment,” he says once they’re outside, and Joshua shrugs.

“I didn’t want to text you,” he says lightly, and that’s not – Neku lets it go. “How far are we going?”

“Not that far,” he says. “Don’t barge into my place like that.”

“I’ll knock next time,” he agrees, and he’d better. “Today, however, I thought Beat might prefer to know I don’t plan on stealing you, hm~?”

If that’s what he’s after, he’s going about it the wrong way, but Neku lets it go in favor of what’s really bugging him: “I thought Beat hates you.”

“Beat likes me just fine, though I don’t understand Miss Shiki at all,” he says, but he’s _psychic_ – how could he not …? But Neku remembers scanning, remembers that it doesn’t solve everything. If Joshua says he doesn’t get Shiki, then he doesn’t get Shiki; what confuses him is that Beat only was uncomfortable, not angry.

It’s not a problem, so long as Joshua doesn’t go barging in uninvited, and Neku unfolds his bike and gets on. “We going?”

Joshua gestures to his complete lack of bike, and oh, come on. Dude, you’re magic. Get your own! “I thought I’d ride you,” he says, and that’s barely a single entendre. 

“Do you need to go into the doggy basket?”

“Absolutely not,” Joshua says back, turning away in a huff, and Neku snickers. “You couldn’t fit an akita in there, anyway.”

“An akita? Really?” He doesn’t look like Hachiko. He’s too _fluffy_ to be Hachiko, and he knows Josh changes size all the time.

“I’m more akita than anything else,” he concedes, and Neku snickers. So Joshua’s a mutt? “Regardless, Neku, I won’t be your toy poodle on display; I’ll ride behind you.”

Like he’s ever done anything like a normal person. “Deal,” Neku concedes, and he hops onto his bike and braces himself for Joshua’s weight. The guy’s weightless, though, even as he wraps his arm around Neku to hold close, and Neku flushes at the contact. No wonder it’s the girlfriend spot, if it’s this nice having somebody behind him, but Joshua sticks his hand through Neku’s shirt and he yelps. “Josh, you …!”

“Oh, Neku, you’re so strong,” Joshua says into his ear. “Want to do some … aerobics?”

“Do you want me to shove you off?” he says back, and the silence is answer enough. “Look, you’re lucky I don’t plan on making you walk the whole way there.”

Joshua chuckles at that, but Neku’s serious, and he kicks off to follow the road. Joshua keeps his mouth shut as they go, even as he rests his head on Neku’s shoulder and misuses his psi to clear a path for them, and it’s nice. Even with Josh feeling him up.

After a bit, though, he suggests Neku stop with a light imprint, and Neku obeys, glancing back at him. “Minato ward starts across the street,” he says, and he hops off, all polished ease. It’s as fake as the rest of him, but Neku looks him over even so, uncertain how far to push.

Any difference between here and the other side’s negligible to Neku, but maybe that’s the point, both of them thinking the other’s normal life is almost insurmountable. But Joshua’s trying, and that’s worth a lot, Neku thinks. Even if he won’t ever be normal. 

“You going to be okay?” he asks, carefully memorizing the area for when they’re coming back. It’s just some other part of Tokyo to him, but Shibuya’s few kilometers are Joshua’s entire world, and Neku wants him to want to do this again.

“Only one way to find out,” he says grimly, watching the light, and Neku gives him a little space as he gets off his bike, too. Maybe he should try holding his hand, but Joshua’s got it, and he bolts across the moment the light goes blue, arms flailing like Minamimoto’s after him, and Neku feels like he hears screeching. No, that’s the UG, he realizes, the composer pulling away like nails on a chalkboard, and his vision blurs for a moment before he sees Joshua on the other side, having tripped at the curb and not gotten back up. 

“Joshua?” he calls, and he barely crosses within the light cycle. The guy _looks_ okay, everything bent right, but he’s got to have nasty scrapes and Neku stands up his bike so he can bend down to check on him. “Holy shit, are you okay?”

“Where did it,” he babbles, not at all coherent, and his face is red and sweaty just from that. “Neku, are you still – Neku, I can’t hear you; I can’t hear _anything_ –”

“Shh, shh,” he tries, pulling him into an embrace, and the guy’s stiff in his arms. “It’s me, Josh; I’m here; what do you need?”

“I – Neku, this – why is –” and he trails off, burying his head into Neku’s chest like he expects Neku to fix it, and he’s shaking, his heart pounding enough that Neku feels it and is weirded out himself. Joshua shouldn’t **be** solid, and Neku holds him and runs his fingers through his (rougher than usual) hair as he tries to calm down, his breathing slowing as he relaxes. “This feels disgusting, Neku,” he says eventually, his composure coming back, and he tries to get up as Neku steadies him and stands up himself. He can’t quite manage it, though, and Neku pulls him up, the guy way heavier than he should ever be. What, is he made of lead?

“You okay?” he asks, and Joshua nods shakily, taking his clammy hand back as he tries to balance, his arms out. 

“I **hate** tuning down,” he says, an understatement if there ever was one, and he stares at the bike like he’s not sure what it is. He shakes his head after a moment, though, and he takes a determined step forward, though Neku sees him being careful not to put his weight down until he’s certain of the footing. “I need – somewhere private; can you get me that?”

“There’s a woody spot over there,” he tries, hoping the guy just needs a bit of space instead of what Neku thinks he might, and Joshua takes the lead even as he keeps glancing back to see where Neku’s going, like it might’ve moved within the past few seconds. The police box he’s thinking of’s only a block away, but it seems longer with Joshua unused to his feet, and Neku turns off and away from the main road as Joshua sighs, tired and frustrated. “You doing okay?” Neku asks, and Joshua glances up, a strange greenish tinge on his face.

He’s alive for once, but he seems less so than ever, and Joshua blinks a few times like he keeps forgetting to, his brown eyes weirdly wide and unfocused. “I need you to call Sanae,” he says abruptly, and Neku jerks up. “I can’t – I can’t _see_ properly, not without my glasses, and without Shibuya – I don’t know the number, Neku. Call him, please, and tell him … tell him he can’t tell me he told me so until we get back, and my glasses are with the rest of my things in his attic, all right? The black ones, please, and no dallying.”

“All right,” he says, taking out his phone, though he really thinks Joshua should do it. Hanekoma’s his friend, after all, and Joshua’s got a phone, too.

A brief search through his contacts, and: “Yeah,” Hanekoma says, gruff, and the part of Neku that still looks up to him wilts.

“Josh needs his glasses,” he says, and he tries to put his authority into it, too: if he’s supposed to be the conductor, he’s going to need to do things like this. “He says they’re in your attic with the rest of his stuff, and he wants the black ones.” Silence, and Neku’s had enough: “We’re in a rush, so if you _don’t mind_ –”

“Got them,” he says, and Neku’s glad he can’t see his flush. “I can’t leave Shibuya right now, though, not with the boss gone, so I’m gonna need you to pick them up, Phones.”

Asshole. He wonders if he should relay that, but he decides against it: “We’re a block out, Mr H. Can you be near the Aoyama high school in a minute?”

“I got stuff to do, too, you know –”

 _“Don’t make me come over there,”_ Joshua growls, and Neku ruffles his hair as he sulks.

“Glad to see you doing better,” he whispers, covering the mouthpiece, and to Mr H, he simply goes, “Yeah, great,” as he hangs up without listening to him. He’s got orders and Neku doesn’t mind giving them, at least when it’s all simple like this, and he ruffles Joshua’s hair again as the guy glares at him balefully. Hey, Neku knows the guy’s got a thing for hair; turnabout’s fair play. “You going to be okay for a few minutes?”

“Unless someone shoots me,” he concedes, petulant, and Neku shakes his head as the guy hides in the bushes like a kid. He hopes the local composer’s keeping them from being noteworthy; he doesn’t want to explain to a helpful police officer that his friend’s fine and sober, and he leans his bike next to Joshua’s hiding spot before crossing the street and between wards.

Hanekoma appears once Neku’s on the right side, and he looks for all the world like some kind of shady scruffy drug dealer, unmarked brown bag and all. Neku gives him his best dismissive glare, his chin up and back straight, but it takes the guy a few seconds to notice: he’s too busy trying to figure out where Joshua went, far as Neku can tell, and are none of these people able to see properly? “Hey, Phones,” he says, his eyebrows up and shades down as he grins like he’s reveling in being weird, and Neku rolls his eyes as they go to meet each other.

“You’re suspicious enough without trying to be, Mr H,” he says, and oh, hell, does Joshua know he’s his model for _you are not worth my time?_ He had **better** not, and Neku’s sure not going to tell him, but Hanekoma’s grin gets an extra quality and Neku wants to scrub his brain out until people can’t scan it.

“Phones, I ain’t gonna tell him unless you want me to,” he says, and ugh, Neku just wants to keep his thoughts to himself! “I got Josh’s glasses for you and some other stuff; he was always cold back when he was breathing, and I bet he still ain’t dressed warm, eh? Take care of him and make sure he gets back; I’ll talk to the both of you later.”

“Thanks,” he says, and he takes the bag from him before the guy vanishes without even a ‘toodles.’ He really doesn’t know how to react to Hanekoma anymore, but Joshua’s hiding in a bush, so Neku should probably go rescue him. Why can’t anything be simple? 

Why can’t Mr H just be friendly? Neku doesn’t even know if these are the right glasses, or if Joshua wants a jacket. It’s too warm for a Tokyo spring, Neku thinks, no matter that it hasn’t warmed up yet, and Neku doesn’t have anywhere to put it if the guy was wrong. 

Josh is easy to find again, the guy carrying on an energetic conversation with a crow even though there’s no way he can understand, and Neku manages to tap him on the head before he realizes he’s there. Joshua squawks in dismay and even falls over, and Neku can’t keep himself from laughing as he holds out the bag. “Your glasses, composer,” he says in his best Shades impression, and Joshua makes a sour face. 

“Don’t call me that out of my district,” he says, putting his glasses on, and he looks like a total nerd. He looks even nerdier as he tries to pull the jacket on, too, but he gets his arm stuck in the sleeve and flails pathetically, defeated by the trials of everyday life. Neku takes pity on him, though, helping him out and making sure it’s on straight as Joshua does a half-turn, and the guy’s awkward expression is nearly charming. 

Neku could kiss him, he thinks, and they look at each other for a moment as they both probably have the dorkiest expressions on their faces, but Joshua turns away first, flushing. “You wanted to show me the rest of the city,” he says, and Neku grunts acknowledgement. 

“Yeah; come on.”

* * *

Biking this time is a bit different, but it’s fun anyway, Joshua heavy enough behind him for him to need to counterbalance, and he feels Joshua’s grip around him tighten each time they bounce on uneven pavement. He really hopes the guy doesn’t drop Neku’s camera, but the click click click’s followed by hums and chuckles, so it’s worth it.

“None of this was here the last time I was around,” Joshua says eventually, and Neku stops to look at him. He’s intent on – everything, really, all the people as of much interest to him as the scenery, and Neku wonders what he’s looking for. “Is the whole city built up like this?”

“It’s Tokyo.” Another hum, and Neku has to ask: “Did you think it was just Shibuya?”

“I didn’t think about it at all,” he laughs, resting his head between Neku’s shoulders, and it should probably tingle with the composer this close, but it doesn’t, Shibuya too far away. “Sanae told me I’d hate this, you know, and he wasn’t wrong, but … thank you for trying, I suppose.”

Neku doesn’t know what to say to that, and he takes his time showing Joshua around Azabu. He doesn’t think the guy’s that impressed with any of it, but he **is** interested and maybe that’s the best he can hope for right now. 

Ugh, he wants to be patient and it’s easier to try here, where everything Joshua does doesn’t sink into his brain like cement shoes no matter how much Neku likes him, but sometimes he wishes they were both different people. But he does like Joshua and he thinks maybe the guy is still enjoying himself, sort of, and he – he needs a trump card. “Have you seen the Rainbow Bridge anytime lately?” he asks, and he feels Joshua straighten. It’s farther than he had in mind, but eh, they can do it. 

“No,” Joshua says back, derisive, though Neku thinks he’s intrigued under his pride, and his tone lightens as he continues. “I don’t recall seeing it at all, actually, though you’re welcome to show me.”

He hasn’t – has this guy lived in Tokyo? Seriously? He knows the answer to that, though, and it makes him so frustrated even as he’s determined to fix this one thing wrong with Joshua’s life. The rest is too big, but he can fix _this,_ at least. “It’s over Tokyo Bay, Josh; it lights up and everything and we can walk across it if you want to –”

“No,” Joshua snaps, and Neku turns to give him a look. Just because he’s stressed doesn’t mean he’s got to be an asshole, but Joshua’s ears redden and he elaborates: “Bridges are transitional areas; I can look, but there’s no UG there and I can’t risk it.”

“Then we’ll just look,” he says firmly, and he tries not to roll his eyes. Joshua’s so pissy today, but Neku files that restriction in his head silently and has a thought. It’s gonna piss off Joshua, but he says it anyway: “So you can’t cross running water?” he says brightly, and there’s silence before Joshua thwacks him, way weaker than Beat’s carefullest back slap. 

“I’m a composer, not a vampire, Neku,” he says, and score! The dry humor’s back! “Honestly, now, you’re ridiculous.”

“You’re the one who can’t go over a bridge.”

“Because there’s no _people,_ ” he drawls, and Neku’s snickering, now. “People don’t claim bridges like they do the rest of their city; it’s just a place, not somebody’s home, and it’s – it’s too big, Neku, I’m not going anywhere I can’t get back to the ground.”

Straight face. He has to keep a straight face, and then he says, as seriously as he can: “So you’re scared of water.”

**_“Neku.”_ **

“I’m just – ow, that actually almost hurt that time! Josh, you’re part of Tokyo: **you have a bay.** ”

“It’s not _my_ bay,” he starts, but he’s Tokyo, yeah? “Neku, it’s too big. Nothing should be that big.”

Maybe if you’re a shut-in, Neku supposes, but he doesn’t want to be mean about it. “NEET,” he says instead, and Joshua makes a face.

“I’m employed,” he points out, but he’s still a NEET, and if he isn’t a NEET, then he’s a salaryman dreaming of being a NEET, which is even worse.

Neku doesn’t push it, though; it’s a nice day and he wants to enjoy his bike ride. The air smells like salt, the bay closer as they go, and the February weather’s brisk without being freezing. The bridge overlook’s farther than he remembered, but they get there eventually and he parks his bike as Joshua carefully stands up, trepidation obvious on his face. Nothing’s going to happen to him here, not if Neku can help it, but … he’s skittish already in his home district, and this is farther than he’s ever traveled.

Neku’s in so far over his head with this guy, but at least he’s trying, and the guy takes two careful steps up the staircase before clinging to the railing, unwilling to move. “This won’t change anything, you know,” he says in frustration, and Neku stops, tries to be patient.

“It doesn’t have to,” he tells him, but Joshua shakes his head and he’s upset, burying his face in his chest because there’s nowhere good to look. The stairs, the bridge, the ocean – no matter what it’s stuff Joshua doesn’t want to deal with, and Neku gets up to lean against him, trying to be reassuring. 

Neither of them are even doing anything **wrong,** but Joshua lets him hold his hand as he mumbles. “I’m not built for this,” he says, but he doesn’t have to be. Neku just wanted to show him the popular dating spot, and they can go home if he really doesn’t like it, but Neku wonders if it was even the bay that’s the problem. “Leaving Shibuya – I didn’t think I would ever do that again. I hate it, Neku; I hate this; this isn’t **right,** and … how far can you see from up there?”

“Most of Tokyo,” he says honestly. Shit, he wasn’t expecting Josh to freak out, but the guy’s thinking again now and Neku waits for him to pull himself together. 

“… Can you see Shibuya?”

In answer, Neku backs up and passes him, offering Joshua his hand, and they go up together, Joshua’s eyes on the steps as they climb to the top. There aren’t any other couples on the observation deck right now, thankfully, the weather too cloudy for most people to bother, and Joshua moves briskly to the fenced edge, peering over the bay and skyline.

“Over there,” Neku says, pointing where he thinks it should be, and Joshua follows his finger, brow furrowed. 

“I still can’t hear it,” he says, disappointed, but he doesn’t move away and he seems happy as Neku slides in behind him again to press in close, Joshua just short enough for Neku to wrap his arms over his shoulders and hug him. “Tokyo’s grown so much since I last saw it, Neku. How well do you know it?”

“Not as well as I’d like,” he admits, but that’s still well enough to speak lowly into Joshua’s ear as he points out landmarks, and part of him wants to draw Joshua into a kiss. Not right now, though, not with him angry over stuff Neku barely understands, and he hears Joshua’s stomach rumble as the guy nudges him away for more space. Neku moves immediately, of course, not wanting to crowd him, but Joshua watches him wide-eyed and then scurries over to a bench, his arms hidden in his jacket.

“Thank you for taking me out, but I don’t think I can do this again,” he says, and Neku tries to keep the disappointment off his face. “You’re – you’re very good at taking care of me, Neku, and I’ve liked seeing … I like seeing our city. It’s really quite nice.”

“… but you want to go home,” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he still never apologizes for the right things. “You’re so good to me, Neku, and I can’t – I can’t pay you back, not as I know you need, and you – Shibuya looks **small** from here, Neku, do you realize that? My district, my home, my _job_ and you – I hate this, Neku; I hate trying and pretending and – I’m not _human._ You keep wanting me to be, but I’m not, Neku!”

“No, you’re the – **a** composer,” he agrees, and now he’s got a headache, too. He looks at Joshua just enough to see the guy’s hiding his face, and then he goes to look out at the city, unsure how the **hell** to respond to that. “You’re dead, and I’m not, and that’s – that’s how it’s got to be for a while, Josh, because I’m not dying just because it’s easier for you.”

“You wouldn’t even be properly dead,” Joshua grumbles, and Neku whirls around to glare at him. He raises his hands in defense, and it’s a gesture he’d expect to see on Hanekoma, not him, which – which hurts more than it should, and he’s glad Joshua can’t scan him right now. “Neku, I know you’re busy with your life, and I’m not going to push you into it if you don’t want it. But don’t act like I expect you to go through the Game again and drop everything to work as my reaper, because I don’t. I don’t want that. I want you **_mine,_** and that means ….”

“You don’t want me to have reasons to leave,” he says, and Joshua’s head jerks. “Josh, you can’t just ….” He doesn’t know what he wants to say; he just knows this is wrong, and Joshua rubs his face.

“Neku, I want to go home,” he says, and Neku bristles. No, he doesn’t get to bring this up and then drop it – “This body is hungry and I don’t want to feed it; can we just go back home? I’ll travel with you again someday, I promise, but I – I refuse to deal with this right now.”

“Fine,” he says, though it isn’t. “I’ll call a cab.”

“I don’t have any money –”

“It’s _fine,_ Josh,” he snaps, and the guy leans back, upset. “You’re paying my rent, so it’s the least I can do, honest.”

“… If you’re sure.”

They’re quiet as they wait, and Neku hates feeling like he messed up somehow. He doesn’t think he did, but Joshua’s not talking and Neku can’t bring himself to break the silence, so they just … wait like that, Neku absently checking his phone for twitter updates as Joshua twiddles his thumbs and watches every single person passing by like he never learned subtlety, wariness written all over his face, and Neku wishes they weren’t fighting.

They’re always fighting, Neku thinks, over little things and bigger ones, and Neku hates it, hates knowing they get along great whenever they’re _getting along,_ and it’s a relief when the cab comes. Joshua asks to be let off near the police box they stopped by earlier, while Neku continues on to his apartment, and he sees the guy vanish in a flash of light while they’re stopped in traffic. 

Composers don’t leave their districts, but this one did, and Neku … Neku hopes it means something. 

It’s got to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a bit looking for touristy destinations within walking distance and [I want to go to there.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rainbow_colored_Rainbow_Bridge_at_night.jpg)
> 
> Comments are joy. Editing is hell. I'm playing Odin Sphere and it's very good.


	3. Chapter 3

Beat’s not there when he gets back, which is fine by Neku: right now, all he really wants to do is crash in his room.

That ought to have gone better, but now that he’s back, he’s not sure why he thought it would: Joshua **doesn’t go out,** and even if Neku managed to get him out there, that doesn’t mean he’s learned to handle change. He’s pissy, and he’s always pissy, and he’s pissiest when he’s off-balance. Fuck, of course they had a fight, and he hates that in hindsight it was inevitable. Josh gets weird about shit, and _that_ means they’re gonna have a rough time anytime they try doing dating stuff.

How is this even going to work? Neku has no idea, and sometimes he wonders if there’s even any point in trying. There’s got to be, right? Josh likes him and Neku likes him back and they have fun when it works, and then shit like this happens and it’s exhausting.

 **Joshua** is exhausting, and Neku understands all over again why his friends don’t want to hear about his Joshua problems. They listen, but he knows it all sounds like a big deal to anybody not up to their ass in dead people because Josh? Josh would consider it a gift if Neku walked out in traffic right now, in between yelling at him for making a mess on someone’s car. 

But Joshua doesn’t mean it the way anyone else would mean it, and if that drives _Neku_ crazy – he knows his friends think it’s worse. He knows that, but Neku needs somebody who can tell if Joshua’s being weird for dead people, ‘cause right now he’s just got him and Hanekoma, and, uh, ew. He’ll pass. What’s he supposed to do, anyway? See if he can get some conductor’s email? Fuck that. 

No matter what, though, he needs to find out if Josh is going to avoid him forever. `we still ok?` he types out on his phone, and he gets a callback rather than a text reply. “Hey,” he says, picking up, and Josh better keep it brief because Neku’s not up for much talking.

“Hey, Phones,” Hanekoma says back, and Neku’s heart skips a beat as he checks that it really was Joshua’s number. Why does he – “Josh’s sleeping; he left me his phone in case you tried calling. What’s up?”

“Why’s he _sleeping?_ ” Neku groans. “He doesn’t need to; he brags about it all the time.”

The guy laughs, and Neku can’t decide whether he’d rather smack Joshua or Mr H. _Both,_ he decides darkly, and he wishes this guy would go back to representing all that’s good in the world. “Josh sleeps, just not like you do,” he says, like it matters. “Shibuya’s having him take a break from being an individual, and it’ll be a while ‘fore he knows what’s him and what’s everybody else.”

Wait, **_what?_** “He’s what?” And Shibuya’s – he’s never going to get used to cities doing things. 

“He’s sleeping,” Mr H tells him again, and okay, fine, he’s sleeping. And Joshua sleeping is busy _communing with nature_ or some shit, and definitely not going to talk to him. “Do you need something?”

“Just to know if he’s okay,” Neku says blankly. Joshua is bizarre.

“Leaving Shibuya for a bit took a lot out of him, but he’ll be fine,” Hanekoma says, and Neku guesses he would know. “I’ll tell him you called when he wakes up, but it’ll be a few days.”

Great. “Thanks.”

“No problem, Phones,” and he hangs up. Neku stares at his phone in vague consternation, then puts it away. 

So is Joshua sick? He wonders, just like he wonders how long it’ll be before they can make up, but if Joshua’s sick, then it’s Neku’s prodding that made him so, and that thought leaves him feeling worse than before. Crossing districts sucked when Neku tried it his week as a reaper. Not break down sucked, but Neku could head back up after a moment and he wasn’t dead for long: Joshua was stuck RG without having been there for literal years. 

Ugh, they’re both so fucking selfish about it all, neither of them with a clue how to be more like the other without it hurting, and it isn’t even a personality thing. Josh is grating, but so’s Neku: they’re not people people and he’s fun to hang around whenever the composer shit isn’t getting in the way, but the composer shit is _everywhere._ Josh can’t leave Shibuya, Josh can’t go to concerts, Josh can’t leave his **house** without worrying about murder attempts, and Neku loves the guy but he doesn’t know what to do.

It’d be easier if Josh was alive, but that can’t happen, and that leaves – Neku isn’t suicidal. He **isn’t,** not how most people think of it, but he knows he’d like being a reaper if he could bring himself to dive in. Especially if he’s cleared from most of the nasty parts, just kept to paperwork and Noise hunting and however else he’s willing to help out, and the perks are great. He’s got a fucking skylight in his magic bedroom, even, and it’s not like he lives on the top floor.

Shades sucked, as far as Neku ever saw, but the guy’s long gone and Neku’s got some distance: he’s not scared of him, and he wonders how that guy ever felt about things. Whether it was fine for him to be tied to Shibuya for the rest of his existence, or if he regretted every moment he couldn’t shove it out of his head. And there’s nobody else to ask: the rank-and-file don’t have to deal with all this, and he doesn’t think conductors tend to transfer districts. Not without something being really wrong, and his stomach flips as he hopes like hell there isn’t anything totally fucked with Joshua.

Joshua might be using him, or he might not be, but either way, the only way they’ll work out long term is if Neku takes that leap into Joshua’s world, and that’s … scary to think about, but not as scary as it should be.

He shakes his head and the topic out, too. He needs something to distract himself, and Shiki hasn’t seen their apartment yet, so he ducks his head out to see if Beat’s around right now (no) then texts her. `hey shiki i moved in w/ beat. wanna see? my half's stuffed with ikea shit lmao`

`ya sure!! 20 min`

Twenty minutes is enough time to get some easy dinner ready, and he ought to be a good host. His cooking skills are pretty lousy, but he can still start up some steamed buns, and even if Shiki doesn’t eat them, they’ll keep for him and Beat to finish them off at their leisure. 

(Plus, if he’s learned anything from Joshua, keeping people well-fed always helps for staying on their good sides, and Neku’s been a bit of a jerk lately.)

Shiki turns out to be late, which is fine by him: the buns’d just cooled off enough for him to snack on one as the doorbell rings. “Hey, Shiki,” he says, letting her in, and she doesn’t disguise her interest as she looks around while she takes off her shoes.

“I know it isn’t much, but I got you this,” she says, setting a gift bag down before pulling him into a hug. It’s not proper, but neither was her fixing his shorts, and they’ve been through too much to worry about it.

“I’m sure it’s great,” he tells her, and her face lights up. “You been doing okay?”

She wiggles her hand. “It’s been interesting,” she says, and she updates him on how work’s going as he shows her the mundane third of the place. It only takes a minute, small as it is, and he takes a deep breath before opening the closet and leading the way to his room like nothing’s strange.

He’s already got more clutter than Beat does, but that’s not why she gasps and he knows it. “Josh wanted me away from my folks,” he explains uselessly, and he kicks a box out of sight as she examines the mural, and if he’s lucky, she won’t spot the splash of black hair and three bleach jobs next to Hachiko.

“That guy doesn’t watch you here, does he?”

“He’s not gonna barge in,” he says, but she looks at his face and hears what he’s not saying and she looks so tired.

“I hate him,” she admits, taking off her glasses to clean them, and he wishes he knew what to say to fix everything. “I know he’s your friend, but he’s **weird,** Neku. He was so –”

He’s been a lot of things, but he’s trying really hard. “He’s not going to make me Play again,” he snaps, and Shiki blanches. Oh, hell.

“I wasn’t even thinking of that,” she says, though Neku doesn’t believe her one bit. Nobody trusts Joshua and everybody thinks he’s one step away from a murder spree; Neku knows this already, and he’s not, okay, he’s just not. It’s _different._ “Neku,” she tries while he’s fuming, and he makes himself relax. “I got lunch with him a few weeks ago.”

“You did?” First he’s heard of _that._

“Yes, I did,” she says firmly. “Beat, too: your friend wanted to be friendly, so we had lunch, just the three of us.” _Without Rhyme,_ he interprets, and a mean part of him’s glad he wasn’t the only one left out. “Neku, he thinks I’m hung up on the Game like he is and like he wants you to be, and … don’t lose sight, okay? He’s not – he’s not _right,_ Neku.”

Yeah, he’s noticed. “He’s not going to get better if I ignore him,” he points out, and he knows she’s frustrated. “Shiki, let’s eat, okay? Beat’ll be home later, and Josh is why we were even able to afford to live here. He’s not gonna fuck with that. He’s not _like_ that; he means well, okay?”

“I know he does,” she says softly, and it sure doesn’t feel like it, but she’s apologetic and he should’ve known it’d be awkward. He tries to steal her hairband to lighten the mood, but he’s not fast enough and then she’s going for his hair and noooo, he got it nice and spiky!

Not the haiiiir, and they’re both laughing as they grab food out of the rice cooker and talk about safer subjects. She’s telling him about Eri’s latest project when the door opens. “I’m home,” Beat calls, but he does a double-take when he sees who’s at the fold-out table. “Shiki, wasn’t expecting you!”

“Hey, Beat,” she says at the same time as Neku, and she gets up to give Beat a hug as Neku indicates the rice cooker. “You move in okay?”

“Yeah, it’s cool,” Beat says, and he lights up when he sees there’s steamed buns for him, too. “The ‘rents think I went farther than I did, but I can’t corrupt Rhyme if I’m not in the house, yeah?”

“And Rhyme’s been by already,” Neku assures her. “I’m not gonna get in the way.”

“I know, Neku,” Shiki says.

His ears heat, but Beat brings up the inevitable and Neku has no idea how to answer: “You and your friend go okay, Phones?”

Well, Josh is hiding again, and Beat’s just being polite, but Neku’s silent just long enough the guy looks sympathetic and Neku blurts out, “Lemme get my laptop.” He scrambles up, wishing so bad that Joshua could be like a normal person, but Neku bolts to his room and tries to figure out where he _put_ – ah, there. SD card dongles always have a way of hiding, and there’s his camera, and ….

Joshua might be a mistake, and Neku knows it. Being his conductor might be an even _bigger_ mistake. But there’s good stuff, too, and he’s glad Josh took photos so he’s got something to **show them,** and he resolves to email all the good ones to Josh’s phone.

He goes back and boots his laptop up on the table, then sticks the card in. He loves his friends, but they don’t _get it,_ and maybe he can get them to. “We went out today,” he explains, turning his laptop so they can all see it, and they look through the photos.

The first bunch are all technically perfect, Neku can tell: beautiful composition, clear frame, and rude as fuck ‘cause Neku _knows_ Josh didn’t ask any of those passersby he got snapshots of, but they’re not gonna go beyond the few of them. Neku zips through them, not too interested in Josh’s ideas of what’s photogenic about Shibuya, but then there’s a swath of boring photos of shrubbery and _aha!_

“You don’t use this very often, do you,” Beat comments, and Neku flips him off.

“Josh took these,” he says, _“and he couldn’t cheat._ See the blur?”

“It’s **all** blur, Neku,” Shiki says. Neku deletes that one. And the one after. This one’s recognisable, though, and he leaves up the slightly out of focus shot of Azabu as he leans back.

“Josh took this in Minato ward,” he announces, and there’s silence. Look, that took a lot of work, okay?

“Congratulations,” Shiki offers, and he’ll take it. He shows them the rest, going a bit quickly once it’s clear they’re not as innately fascinated by shots of the back of Neku’s head as he is, and then he makes his excuses and ducks out again once he’s done. This is the most social interaction he wants to do in one day _ever._

Beat can do hosting duties for the rest of it, Neku thinks, and he flops onto his bed in exhaustion.

Why is it so – why is he so – he’s furious, suddenly incandescently furious, and he has no idea why. He _ought_ to, he knows, and it’s not like Shiki or Beat did anything, or like it’s anybody’s faults that Joshua’s a total weirdo and everybody gets uncomfortable when he tries talking about it, but he’s angry and he’s angry at _everyone_ and he hates it.

He should’ve gotten his first apartment by himself.

He should’ve gotten his first apartment by himself, without help from his friends or _anybody,_ so he wouldn’t have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and no matter that he knows Joshua promised and that Joshua’s gonna **keep** that promise and that the person who’ll be most hurt if he breaks it is Joshua, because Neku can always just _leave_ if he wants to –

– he still feels weird about it.

And he feels even weirder knowing he just stormed out for no reason leaving his guest alone, and you don’t **do** that. No matter that Beat and Shiki are friends too; it’s weird and he feels weird and he ought to head back out there but he doesn’t want to and right now he doesn’t want to do a damn thing he doesn’t want to do. It is his apartment and he’s an adult now and nobody’s gonna give a shit if he’s a lousy host one time, because they’re his _friends_ and he can apologise later if he needs to.

It’s okay.

He’s okay.

He’s more than okay; he’s **fine** and it freaks him out to know he was freaking out a moment ago for no reason, like he’s put together out of toothpicks, and he rubs his forehead and takes a deep breath and it helps, really, it really does. He **is** fine, and no matter what happens he’ll have somewhere to stay. Joshua’ll make sure of it, and the idea’s comforting, now, instead of filling him with dread like it did a moment earlier.

Joshua looks out for them, these days, and whatever awful shit happens to Players in the UG – it’s not them and it’s not going to be them. Nobody’s going to die, not out of his local friends, anyway, and Neku’s got more assurance than most people do that whatever the future holds, he can handle.

It’s not … it’s not as _important_ as some stuff feels like sometimes, and he hears through his open door that they’re chatting about something and he should join them again. He really ought to: their lives matter and as irrelevant as Beat and Shiki’s job shit seems sometimes and his own schoolwork seems **always,** that shit matters. It all matters, even when lives aren’t on the line, but sometimes … sometimes he misses the UG. Nothing feels inconsequential there, and he forces himself to get back up and head back out to talk to his friends. “Sorry about that,” he says, sitting down at the fold-out table to join them, and his voice is a little rough but he doesn’t think they’ll notice.

It’s okay, and Beat pours him some tea as he joins in with the small talk and gossip, and he tries hard to believe that it all matters. Shiki’s job, Beat’s neverending quest for a real dream, Neku’s classes – it’s all important and he knows it’s important and he can even believe it for right now. He has to, because the other parts of his life? They’re not suitable for civil conversation, and it’s fucking hilarious he can take his boyfriend out on a normal date and the whole thing grows this gravity of its own, like he can’t even separate the person from the job in his head for five seconds without it going strange.

Superheroes can take their double lives and stuff it.

* * *

He wakes up the next morning, and there’s a fruit basket on his desk. How it got there is anyone’s guess, but his money’s on Joshua. He pokes at it – and there’s chocolate there, too, not just fruit – and yep, there’s a little note, too. 

> Thank you for taking me out. I had a good time, and I apologize for being difficult toward the end. It may take me a while to recover, but know that I care deeply for you. Be well.

And then a signature, illegible except for the furigana above it simply reading Joshua, and Neku smiles faintly. He really needs to tell that guy not to show up in his room without asking, but Neku’s glad of the note and apology and he relaxes as he snacks on a banana. They’re fine and Neku barely remembers what the argument was about, anyway; it was mostly Joshua being snippy. He’ll let it go and it’s with a spring in his step that he goes about his week.

Joshua doesn’t message him for the next few days, which is just as well, but by Wednesday he’s wondering a little and on Thursday, once he’s back after classes and chilling with his classmates, he tries calling and the call’s declined.

His phone goes off a minute or two later with a text, though, and he checks it. `I'm still recovering,` Joshua says. `You can text me if you'd like to chat, but readjusting is taking longer than I expected and you shouldn't expect to see me anytime before the next Game.`

`Whens that?`

He gets a knock on his bedroom door as answer, and he gets up to check it. No Joshua, but there’s a schedule book left right outside with a sticky note on it: `For Neku Sakuraba.` Well, yeah, but – he opens it and it immediately flips to this month, the Game days and off days color-coded with start and ending times (projected and actual) neatly inked with the number of Players erased, surviving, or added to the next Game at the bottom of each day.

A hundred people every other week, give or take, and he’s not sure how to feel about that. Dwarfed by the scale of it, maybe, but it’s also not that many and it’s got to be mostly old people, doesn’t it? Japan’s a pretty safe place, and he doesn’t think _that_ many people die young.

Doesn’t make him know how to handle it any better, but Joshua shouldn’t have to do it alone, either. `Thanks,` he texts back, and he sets the planner on his desk, still mostly ignoring the file cabinets that’ve been there since before they cleared the room out.

`Be well, Neku,` and he will be, too. He just wishes that living in the same town would mean he sees his boyfriend more, but Neku’s got stuff to do with his life, too.

Joshua’s not the only one who’s busy. 

He doesn’t bother checking in with him again for the next week or so, figuring that Josh’ll message him when he’s ready, but when Game week ends and it’s a few days later and Joshua _still_ hasn’t asked him to come over, he tries extreme measures. 

“Hey, Mr H?” he says into the phone. “This is Neku.”

“Hey, Neku! What’s up?” And, more seriously: “I can’t really see you making a social call anymore ….”

Ugh, Neku hates feeling guilty for holding a grudge, but he breathes in and holds it for a second, remembering even Joshua won’t bother defending the guy, no matter that they’re friends and still really close. “Josh has been – distant,” he says, not sure how else to put it, and Hanekoma hums in thought.

“Think he’s still recovering,” he says frankly, and _really?_ After two weeks? “Composers aren’t like you, kid: he works on a different time scale and I’m sure it makes his day to know you’re here and worried about him. Just leave him be and keep being in Shibuya and he’ll perk right up.”

“So he’s not avoiding me?” he asks, and it’s weird to know that the guy’s probably not _entirely_ full of bullshit. Not trustworthy, but Neku doesn’t think Hanekoma’d lie to him upfront about this. Probably. 

“He’s not avoiding you,” he confirms, and it’s good to hear that from someone else, even if that someone’s an asshole. “Dumbass probably forgot you don’t sense him like he senses you.”

“That … actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks, Mr H.”

“No prob, kid,” and just when Neku’s starting to get some respect back for the guy, he hangs up on him. Does no one in the UG believe in saying bye first?!

Well, whatever. Josh is probably fine and that’s the important thing, and as much as Neku’d kind of like to drop by to check on him, he’s got schoolwork to do and Josh is probably going full-on social recluse for right now.

It’s not that big of a deal, but he vaguely remembers one of them saying he’d have a lot easier of a time leaving Shibuya if Neku’s a reaper, and it … it wouldn’t even be that bad, really. One shit day and then he’s psychic again, semi-immortal and able to do pretty much anything so long as it doesn’t involve going far from home, and there’s plenty of stuff in and around Tokyo to keep him occupied for – hell, lifetimes. Kariya’s old as balls and he still seems pretty happy, all things considered. 

The only problem is the process, and that’s – that’s easy to put off. _Too_ easy, really: Joshua won’t push it no matter how much extra work it brings him and his colleagues, friends, whatever they are. And Neku’s friends … well, they won’t ever agree with it, but they love him and they know it’s a possibility. 

He probably can’t tell them, though. Not before it happens, and maybe not for a long time afterward: Neku knows survivor’s guilt too well to ever inflict it on them for something that’s not even that big of a deal. The reapers still have personal growth, even, though he knows already they don’t go through life stages like normal people.

Who’s to say Neku’d have kids anyway? It’s not like he gives any shits about doing his parents proud, and he is p-r-e-t-t-y sure he’s gay. Beat isn’t, and he doesn’t know about Joshua, but Neku? Settling down with a nice woman and doing his part to continue his family line wasn’t in the cards from the start.

He gives Joshua a few more days, but by Friday evening of the next Game, he is **so bored** and tired of waiting. That’s almost four weeks, Josh, _four weeks_ to get over a rough afternoon out, and screw it, Neku’s going to go check.

Day five ended a few hours ago, and that’s good enough for him: it probably won’t be _too_ crowded down there. There’s no telling, of course, and he snags his wallet and not much else as he prepares to leave, scribbling an _out at J’s_ note on the fridge whiteboard so Beat’ll know. (He’d guess that anyway, but screw what he thought about living alone: Neku likes living with someone who wonders.)

The sewer’s as fucking annoying as ever, though at least it’s March and not August: nothing like summer heat to bring out the full effect. What’s worse is that the door’s locked and he still hasn’t bothered to learn the combination, and he knocks on it insistently until Kariya gets it, a nasty scratch on his face like he got in a fight. “You bring any pizza?” he says, and Neku snorts as he lets him in.

“I don’t think it’d still be good after going through that,” Neku says back, and thank fuck: somewhere that doesn’t smell awful. He needs a shower, but damn, other people’re here today and Josh is nowhere to be seen.

He can be heard, though. “Welcome, Conductor Sakuraba!” the intercom says in its cheery synthetic voice, and Neku waves as the reapers all stop what they’re doing to acknowledge him.

“Hi,” he says, and since they’re waiting for something: “You can all go back to what you were doing; I need to talk to the composer.”

They do, at that, Pinky telling some of her friends about some awesome move she did, and he tries to dart off to the restroom to rinse off. Kariya stops him, though, deceptively fast, and there’s something in that cool expression he doesn’t exactly like. “Kid?” he says, and Neku stops to listen. “The boss’s been out of whack since your little _excursion_ a few weeks ago. Be careful.”

“Yeah, I will,” he says back, and Kariya pats him on the shoulder as Neku heads for the bathroom. Ugh, visiting Joshua wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t _need_ to wash up every time, but them’s the breaks. At least he lives close by now, and he lets himself take as long a shower as he feels like, enjoying the casual serenity of the composer’s pad. He can still remember how it freaked him out the first few times, the thin blue light helping keep the whole place from feeling real, but his sympathies are more with the reapers than the players these days.

His stomach flips when he remembers that they’ve all killed people, that the Players Pinky’s bragging about erasing all could have been him a while ago, but it’s not really her fault. As nasty as some of the shit she’s done is, it was Neku who was out to save his own skin, and he doesn’t want Joshua to have to erase most of the Players himself when they ought to have won.

Doesn’t keep him from wanting to make it better, though, and he’s tempted to ask Joshua if what she did to him was even allowed, and if it is, if he can ban it. That was seriously not okay, and he still doesn’t know how Shiki managed to forgive him. She’s not mad at him for it, he knows, but … that was big and it was pointlessly cruel and here he is in the same house as the person whose idea it was. Sigh.

He wipes his face off, then checks the closet to see what’s there, a little reluctant to wear something that was covered in sewer gunk a few minutes ago. None of it looks like it’s his size, but he snags a baggy shirt and drawstring shorts and puts them on, checking how he looks in the mirror. Wonder whose they are, since they ain’t Joshua’s, but there’s no shortage of Shibuya reapers to leave some stuff here.

He slicks his damp hair back and checks for Josh’s bedroom door, and excellent: it exists today. They might’ve had a rough time last time they saw each other, but better late than never and he heads in, not bothering to knock first. 

There’s cloud cover over the starry ceiling today, and he shivers in the chill as his eyes adjust, a beanbag forming out of the murk where Joshua’s bed ought to be. The guy’s been redecorating, he supposes, and he pounces onto the beanbag with a squelching sound as the sky clears and the floor lights up to show a reef tank. _Show off,_ he thinks, and there’s the fine pressure on his shoulders like Joshua’s holding him there as he hears a soft laugh, the noise piercing in the silent calm of Joshua’s room. 

“You can come down, you know,” Neku says, his voice cracking just a little, but Joshua doesn’t, still nowhere to be seen except in how his touch determines **everything** here and his mouth is dry. “I’m not mad.”

` Nor should you be,` Joshua – or maybe Shibuya – replies, and Neku’d snort a laugh of his own if he didn’t then get pressed down into his seat, gravity overwhelming in that indefinable presence, and his heart’s thundering in his chest despite himself. Joshua can be _fucking terrifying_ when he wants to be, and he’s in one of those moods, isn’t he, the ones where his psi burns at Neku’s psyche and his best way out is to give the composer what he wants. To **not** give the composer what he wants, because Neku refuses to be a pet and right now he wants to slug Joshua in the face, shove him down until he stops _toying_ with him and the pressure’s gone and Joshua’s sitting on the floor in front of him, legs neatly folded to preserve his modesty as he tilts his parasol and – the guy’s wearing gothic lolita again. _Why_ always the Lapin Angelique, and Neku’s tempted to yell at him because he looks so _pasty_ in those deep purples and he’s got to have stuff that’s more his color. 

“Hello, Neku,” Joshua purrs, and Neku just … stands up. Looks at him for a solid moment, the eerie blue reflecting off Joshua’s parasol and onto his light hair so he looks even less human than usual. Strides over to shove his face into the floor.

“No theatrics,” Neku orders, and he hears a soft _ehehe_ as Joshua slides out from under his hand to look up at him, folding his parasol away.

“I missed you,” Joshua offers, and Neku pulls him up to kiss him. “Eager, are we,” he adds into Neku’s mouth, a pleasant thrum reverberating through him as he eases into the kiss, and Neku wonders what’s wrong with him, that he can’t keep his paws off Neku sometimes and sometimes needs to turn it into yet another power play.

What’s wrong with Neku, that he plays along, and Joshua’s already sneaking his hands into Neku’s pants as Neku catches his wrists and pulls him back up. Somehow, Neku thinks Joshua might be the pot talking to the kettle. “A month, Josh,” Neku says, and when the guy doesn’t say anything, he repeats it: “A **_month,_** with you barely talking to me because … what? You don’t want me asking you to go out with me?”

A hum, and Joshua’s got that glint in his eyes like he’s going to go down on him until all’s forgiven, but Neku knows him better than that and he shoves down the part of him that would actually really like a blowjob, thanks, until Joshua realizes he can’t dodge the question and deigns to talk again. “Shibuya dislikes having a truant composer,” he says eventually, brushing his hair out of his eyes, but if that’s all it was, then Neku should’ve been **warned,** damn him.

“A month, Josh,” Neku says again, and Joshua storms past him to deposit himself on the beanbag chair, furious. Furious at _being called on his shit,_ more like, and Neku’s tempted not to mention today that he wants his psi back. “You could have texted me.”

“Yes, if I realized it’d been that long,” he grumbles, and Neku relents. “I feel you coming and going, Neku, but days are nothing to me; I thought I might wait for you to have free time and then I was busy with the Game. I can make time for you, but you need to show initiative of your own, hm?”

He flushes, unhappy at having his own flaws pointed out, but he nods and Joshua nudges him down on top of him with a bit of psi, hinting for Neku to straddle him and move on for a languid kiss. He obeys the imprint without even really thinking about it, and Joshua’s smile goes predatory again as Neku presses him down into the beanbag.

“You’re very good,” he murmurs, but Neku doesn’t want to hear that from him right now and he bites Joshua’s lip, getting him to open his mouth for one thing and one thing only as Neku breathes through his nose and knows Joshua isn’t breathing at all. But that’s not Neku’s problem, and it’s still not his problem as Joshua sneaks one hand down his waistband and the other around his butt to grope him, intent on mellowing him one way or another, and Neku tries to keep his composure as Joshua gives him an easy handjob.

It’s fast, fast enough Neku wonders if Joshua sped it along, but he doesn’t slump down when he comes and that’s what matters, Joshua letting him thumb at his shoulders for a few moments before easing him next to him on the beanbag. “You truly are very good,” he says again, and Neku swats him, uncaring. He’s not a pet, but Joshua only leans on him and it’s comfortable, in some kind of fucked up uncomfortable kind of way. He’s fine. 

“Wonder if you’ll still be saying that the next time I take you out of Shibuya,” he mutters, and to his credit, Joshua doesn’t flinch, only hums and rests his head on Neku’s shoulder. He feels a slight pressure and overwhelming presence, too, and Neku’s heart skips a beat as Joshua’s wing folds around him, possessive. “Tempted to take you out to Shinjuku.”

“It’s your decision,” Joshua says back, neutral, and Neku brushes his elbow against the feathers as Joshua groans. Neku could hurt him rather badly if he wanted to and they both know it, the knowledge pooling in his gut with a warmth he’d deny to anyone else. It’s not **right** for Joshua to put that on him, but Neku … Neku kind of likes it. 

He’s doomed. “It’d be easier for you if you were with a reaper, right?” he adds, his mouth dry, and he … his self-preservation knows this is a bad idea, but he hates not knowing; he hates the absence that fills his mind since he got his life back and stopped being tied to the UG and he’s sure Joshua planned it but he **_misses his psi_** and the composer’s perfectly still. 

Pulling stuff out of his head, the same as always, but Josh doesn’t like what he’s hearing and Neku traps his wing next to him before Joshua can hide again. “Keeping me honest,” Joshua sighs, but he did it first, and Neku doesn’t want to hear bullshit. Now, let’s see here ….

Neku can barely sort through any of this with a human’s senses, but Joshua’s reading him just as Neku tries to read Joshua, and he’s shown what he wants quickly: the complete certainty that Joshua isn’t alone. They have a pact and then some, and Joshua trusts his partner, trusts Neku and Hanekoma and Shibuya Ward all enough that their absence cuts down to the core of him, leaves him a pile of hollow meat. 

He couldn’t touch the Minato UG at all, and Neku peels through the isolation and powerlessness of being alone in his head for the first time in decades to look for something positive, some cue Joshua liked it. He doesn’t find any. 

“Pull that feather out,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku starts. Josh isn’t molting, he thinks, but he takes it out anyway and raises it to his mouth when Joshua nudges him. The quill tastes metallic, but he feels its weight change under Neku’s attention, and he slides it back into place as Joshua sighs. 

No, he didn’t enjoy it for his own sake, but Neku was there and he made Neku proud, Joshua thinks, and his partner was there to protect and guide him. “That’s better,” Joshua says sleepily, and Neku gives him a few scritches before the guy folds his wings away and flops into Neku’s lap.

Yep, that’s his composer, and Neku runs his fingers through Joshua’s hair as the guy reaches up to touch Neku’s face, his fingers cool and soft. “I don’t want you to be alone,” Neku says, as Joshua takes his hand back, and the thing about Joshua’s fear of travel is that Neku can _do_ something about it. “It wouldn’t be a problem if I had my psi again.”

The guy cracks one eye open in disapproval, though Neku _knows_ what he wants and what Josh wants overlap right now, so it’d be great if Joshua could try not being a tool about it. “It’ll cause me problems when you change your mind,” he says, but who says Neku’ll change his mind?

“Josh, I’ll be _psychic,”_ he snaps. “You’re not gonna hurt me.” An eyebrow raise and – he means beyond the obvious, asshole! It won’t hurt _afterward!_

“Sanae would tell me no,” and _fuck_ ‘Sanae.’ Mr H doesn’t run their lives. “Neku,” he says, getting up and out of his lap as he offers his hand to pull Neku up, too, “my staff – _your_ staff – are in the lounge. I want them out within the hour. If you can handle them until then, I’ll consider it.”

Neku lets him help him up, but he’s not happy about it. “Fine,” he says, though he doesn’t get why Joshua’s trying to be **responsible** all of a sudden, and Joshua gives him a thin smile before vanishing, leaving Neku alone in an endless landscape with only beanbags to kick.

Why is he like this, Neku wonders, and he kicks it again as he waits for Joshua to remember he needs a _door,_ thank you; he can’t **teleport** like Josh can and that’s half the **_problem._** He just wants his senses back, okay? He wants to be as strong as anybody else, and if he’s going to see the UG he better be able to **do something about it,** and – good, there’s a door.

He punts the beanbag at it just because, and of course the thing passes right through, because nothing in this place is ever as real as anything else. Well, Neku doesn’t care! He’s just going to storm through that door and into the hallway, and into the washroom to rinse off again, because Josh can’t keep his hands off him, and now it’s time to put his old outfit on! At least it’s _clean,_ because Josh doesn’t have to fuck around with a washing machine and clothesline, and he fixes up his hair before heading out to meet with these dead idiots.

For fuck’s sake.


	4. Chapter 4

Nobody drops anything to pay attention to him, and he’s relieved. Actually, nobody gives a shit about him at all: all the people still here have discovered both the karaoke machine and the booze, and he’s going to die if that caterwauling doesn’t stop. Who let the math guy sing?

He ducks back into the washroom to grab a bucket and fill it with water, and Pinky meets his gaze when he gets back out: it’s payback time. She stabs the math fucker with some darts, and that gets him jumping to where Neku’s got a clear shot at dunking him. Take that, asshole!

“Hey, hey, hey!” the guy yells, and Neku ducks his flying microphone. “My f(x) was going to infinity, and you _set a limit._ You sigma, I ought to _derive_ you –!”

“You got all the lyrics wrong,” Kariya comments, and Minamimoto scowls at him before storming off like it’s his own idea. “Sorry ‘bout the noise, boss.”

“It’s cool,” Neku says, and he picks up the microphone and glances around. He doesn’t know most of these people’s names, but he recognizes a wall reaper and hands it over. The poor bastard looks almost scared of him, but Neku shrugs and it’s good enough, and he watches to make sure they don’t put on something hideous before heading to the other half of the room.

Why did he just do that? His face burns with embarrassment, and worse: Pinky sees him and her smirk gets an edge, like she’s going to drag him into the crazy pit with the rest of them. No, she is not, and he turns to watch Minamimoto flicker Noise-shaped (brown and red, not Taboo-grey, not these days) just long enough to get dry before slamming his pins down where other people were playing Tin Pin.

One of the reapers gets up in distaste, and then the other and Minamimoto both look at Neku like he’s supposed to solve this. Who, him? Yeah, he’s kind of a big deal at Stride, but – oh, hell with it.

“Don’t cheat,” Neku says as he sits down, and fuck, he doesn’t have his tourney deck! He thinks as loud as he can, and the hair goes up on his neck as his pins land on his lap. Thank you, Josh, you _stalker,_ but Neku ought to make nice if he’s aiming to be psychic himself and – he’s here, he’s being social, if that’s not enough for Josh that’s Josh’s own problem.

And _ugh,_ the math guy noticed at least some of that. Noticed and **liked** it, his nails sharp and black like lion claws, and Neku blanches. He’s not getting shot by the math guy. He is not. “You’re a Sn-ner like the rest of us,” the guy purrs, and Neku needs to dunk him again.

“Shut up and slam on.”

* * *

They cheat. He knew they would, especially with him being the only one there who can’t bring his pins back just in the nick of time, but they’re completely _shameless_ about it and he hates that he’s not annoyed. What dickheads!

Even with them cheating, he still wins more often than not.

He should go home, he knows, go home and tell Joshua to go fuck himself, but he doesn’t want to. He’s not too bad, and neither are these people, even if Minamimoto smells like an asswipe, and he’s gonna have to know them all if he sticks with the Shibuya UG. The support reapers switch districts a lot, but the harriers don’t, and they’re the ones he’s gonna have to work with. Pinky and Lollipop and Pi Face, dickheads the three of him but they’re _his_ dickheads.

(Ew, no.)

And he’s got more in common with them than some of the support class. They’re all from Tokyo, but ugh, Suginami ward? He’s got enough local pride to make faces with the rest of them. He might be an outsider, but this is still his home.

It’s not to last. His phone buzzes from his pocket, and he forfeits rather than put his last pin down to check it. Bastards keep ganging up on him.

It’s a call this time, not a text, and he answers it: “Yeah, hi.”

“Neku, my reapers need sleep,” Joshua says, like it’s Neku’s problem, and he stops. Neku glances up at the ceiling. “Would you ask them to go?”

And Neku’s supposed to be the conductor. “Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath, and he covers the mouthpiece before saying, “Uh, guys?”

“A bit louder, Neku,” Joshua says, trying not to laugh, and why doesn’t **he** do it if he’s gonna be so picky.

“Everybody out!” he yells, much louder this time, and he feels the room go silent. Awkward. “The composer says you all have work in the morning, so … go home?”

“Is that a suggestion or an order, Mr Conductor?” Pinky says, her face screwed up and it’s not _that_ funny, okay; he’s just not used to it.

“An order,” he says firmly, and he tries again. “Everyone go the fuck home; I need to talk to the composer and he’s a dickweed so I don’t want to tell you all again. We clear on this? Anyone need me to explain?”

“Think we got it, pops!” Lollipop says, saluting, and Neku flips him off. That was the right response, though, because both of them crack up after that and Neku watches with amusement as he works on chasing the ragtag bunch out. They move pretty fast, actually, no matter that half of them are trying to keep a straight face after Neku’s botched command, and he realizes after a minute that he forgot to hang up.

It doesn’t really matter; he clicks his phone off and he’s sure it doesn’t make a lick of difference to Joshua himself. He plops down on the couch to stretch out, his feet up, and he sips his iced coffee and points at the door to get the last few stragglers to leave. Not that it matters to him, but Josh wants them out and it’s Josh’s house.

And half of them would kill the guy if they got the chance. Fucking what?

The reapers and the whole UG seem halfway normal most of the time, and then he remembers shit like that and he doesn’t know _what_ to think. They’re friendly, most of the time, in their pissy _don’t fuck with me_ way, but their attitudes towards erasures ….

“They won’t hurt you,” Joshua says quietly, and Neku turns his head to find him standing behind the couch. “I’m the one you need to worry about.”

Of course he is, and Neku wonders why he’s like this. Why Joshua’s always running away. “I’m not scared of you,” he says, and he watches Joshua pace, his steps echoing even though he’s quiet the rest of the time, and Neku notices when you’re doing this, dude. You’re not fooling anyone.

Joshua might be a god, but he’s also a **dork,** and Neku hears the footsteps stop as his vague awareness of Joshua flickers and the guy’s on the other couch, now. Serious, and quiet, and Neku turns to see him properly as Joshua covers his face with a newspaper. Dude, you’re _psychic._ Neku throws a pin at him.

It bounces off Joshua’s newspaper, and he groans. “Were you serious earlier?” he asks, and Neku throws another pin at him.

“They can do things I can’t,” Neku says, and Joshua sighs. “ _You_ can do things I can’t. I see the UG and I can’t do **_shit._** ”

“That happens,” Joshua says neutrally, and pin? Meet Joshua’s head. “You can stop doing that any time.”

“You can stop doing that any time.”

“Are you actually mocking me?”

“Are you actually mocking me?”

“You’re incorrigible,” Joshua says, and he laughs. Neku checks if he needs to keep throwing pins at him, but Joshua sits up and looks him over before vanishing. He’s back before Neku can complain, though, now in an outfit a little fancier than the one he had when Neku met him, and he stands up and fluffs up his hair.

He’s cute, Neku notices, not for the first time, and pretty, but he doesn’t manage beautiful or handsome. He’s all angles and fey youth, with just a bit of fat on his cheeks he hasn’t (and won’t) grow out of, and his slight smile – Neku flushes, just a little.

And then he turns and walks away, and Neku scrambles up. “Josh, what –” he starts, but the guy raises a finger and he quiets.

“I want to do this properly,” he says, striding over to the bar and vaulting right over it, and Neku shakes his head. Fine, Josh, you can make it a performance if you want to, and he follows to sit at the bar as Joshua mixes him a drink.

It’s … probably alcoholic, but drinking with Joshua’s a more predictable kind of dangerous than drinking with the reapers, and Joshua puts in enough grenadine it’s a red that honestly has very little in common with blood. “Poisoning me’d be p-r-e-t-t-y lame,” Neku informs him, but Joshua only laughs and sticks in a bendy straw and little umbrella before setting it on the counter for him.

If it’s poisoned, it’s Neku’s own fault, and he crosses his arms on the counter as he wonders if he should actually go through with this. It might even be safe.

He’s lying to himself if he thinks it is. Whether or not this drink’s poisoned, if he takes it, he’s giving Josh permission to do what he wants to do, and the composer pours himself another one just like it to drink noisily. “I won’t force you,” he says, tilting his glass so the umbrella’ll roll along the rim, and Neku flips him off.

Bottom’s up, and if it’s alcoholic, Neku can’t taste it. Actually, it just tastes like grenadine and soda water, and he raises an eyebrow as Joshua lifts his shoulders. Maybe it really isn’t poisoned, and Neku plucks up the cherry and pops it in his mouth, rolling the stem between his lips. Joshua’s watching him, because of course he is, but his mind’s not going where Neku wants him to so he beckons him over.

Josh hops onto the counter to get a bit of height, then tilts Neku’s head up with a brush of psi and kisses him, both his hands on Neku’s shoulders. It’s good, Neku thinks, firm and thorough without Joshua’s usual hurry, and that means Neku can take his time, too, his hand sneaking into Joshua’s hair to hold him close as the guy makes a quiet noise, his lips soft against Neku’s.

There really is no hurry, not if Neku’s going to live outside of time, and Joshua pulls away just enough to gesture at the couch. “After I finish my drink,” Neku tells him, and Joshua huffs, passing down and through the counter to get his hands on Neku’s zipper, and Neku knows who’s _really_ incorrigible, thanks.

All right, blowjobs again, and even if Josh’s playbook’s a bit small, Neku is _not_ going to complain. He pets him with one hand as he holds his drink with the other, and that’s Josh licking his cock, and – that’s always good, the guy vibrating as he takes Neku into his mouth like it’s his favorite thing in the world. It’s not even the blowjob – though seriously, blowjobs are _awesome_ – so much as Joshua’s full attention, or what feels like it, and everything going simple, just him, the composer, and the composer wanting him to feel good.

His mind quieting because there’s nothing else Joshua wants him to notice now, and he’s just a human. Just one human, and he’s pliant as Joshua leads him to the couch, lies him down and undresses him, eases him to sleep and his heart to stop.

* * *

He wakes up a while later in his own bed, deadly sure that’s not where he went to sleep and these aren’t the clothes he was wearing, either: he’s in his pyjamas and his head hurts. Fucking _skylight,_ and he curses Joshua and the sun and Shades and everything in the UG as he flails around and flips the glass tinted with a bit of psi.

Well. That’s different.

He tries wishing his headache away, too, but it just moves to his back, searing in muscles he didn’t have, and ughhh, death hangover. How has he even – he raises his hand and it takes a few tries, his arm not wanting to move when his psi can do the job, but he’s barely _got_ psi and – okay, there it goes. Arms, moving. Legs, also moving. Wings, sore as hell.

Josh followed through, then. He didn’t know if he would, that guy unpredictable at the best of times, but he’s dead, and – RG, UG. RG, UG. RG and _streeeetch_ – UG, just barely. He can’t feel Beat just now, and Neku can _absolutely_ avoid having any awkward conversations with him. His death is need-to-know information and – he flips back down to the RG – nobody needs to know.

God, he’s dead. He can’t even blame anyone this time: it was his own idea, and Josh kept his word: it didn’t hurt. He was asleep, and then he was dead, and everything else is his own damn fault. Except for being back in his apartment without the guy asking, but he fumbles for his cellphone and he’d left a text.

`Minamimoto's chosen the break of dawn to use the music room. As I prefer to leave our private life private, I took the liberty of bringing you home. Your energies should settle in good time. I'm sorry.`

An apology, huh? He wonders what Joshua even thinks it’s for, but it doesn’t really matter. Killing him, moving him, leaving him to wake up alone – Josh never takes anything seriously, but Neku’s not in the mood to get angry. He could’ve said no, and he feels his chin to see if he needs a shave. Nope: he’s soft and hairless just like he likes to be, and he bets his contacts are safe in their case ‘cause it’s not like he needs them now. The city will keep his vision clear.

Dying sucks, but being dead is fucking useful sometimes; Joshua’s always been right about that much. And maybe Neku’ll regret it, and maybe he _already_ regrets it, but he’ll ask to come back if he needs to. Joshua won’t refuse him that, and knowing Neku’s got leverage beyond just trusting his partner … it’s not right, but Joshua’s betrayed him before and they both know it. It’s just – it’s just how it is.

He needs to get out of here.

The moment he crosses the threshold to leave his room, everything hurts, but it’s a good pain, parts of him stretching that he hasn’t had in months, and he winces at the sheer number of **people** just in his building. Beat’s in the bathroom preparing for the day, and Neku flushes red as he steps back into his room to give the guy a bit of privacy.

Holy shit.

He’s **psychic** again and he’s got a roommate he actually cares about. This is – this is more than a bit awkward, and back on campus he couldn’t hear _nearly_ as well as he does now. Well, he _is_ a Shibuya reaper, he thinks dryly, and he leaves his door open to hear (in the normal way! Augh!) when Beat gets out. Once it’s safe, he darts out to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and _that’s_ more like it. Now that he knows where everyone is in the building, it’s easy to put Beat out of mind, but when he’s still getting adjusted, ugh. Maybe he can get him a player pin? Something like that.

He poofs up his hair without much effort, and yep, Josh put away his contacts. He is free. He can see as well as he wants without needing technology; score one for dead people magic.

God, what’s he even going to say to his friends.

That question can wait for a bit, though, and he takes his time snagging breakfast before checking his email around where Beat’s putting away his futon for the day. “Morning,” Neku says, and he’s not sure if he’s grateful or furious that the wifi doesn’t reach into his room

“Hey, Phones,” he says back, cheerful even as Neku senses some buried concern, and Neku’s going to have to come clean sooner rather than later, huh. “Whatever happened yesterday, you doing alright?”

“Yeah,” he lies, but it’s not much of one. It’s just disorienting, knowing exactly where everyone in this building is, and he’s tempted to retreat back to his room. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” he says dubiously, and it’s so hard to remember sometimes that people don’t _want_ him to mess with their heads, to convince them not to worry. They’re good people and they’ve got better things to do than be concerned when he can take care of himself. “You looked kind of crap last night, so.”

“You saw me last night?”

He scratches his head, and Neku sure hopes he doesn’t know that _Neku_ doesn’t know too much about what happened, either. “Your friend brought you in pretty late, said you were sleeping and might be out of it for a bit, and he thought you’d do better in your own bed. I don’t know what he’s pulling, but you do look kinda green.”

That’s not what he told Neku, but that’s probably not wrong, either, and he’s glad Joshua didn’t just drop him off at home and assume he’d be fine. “Thanks,” he says, meaning it, and the following silence is awkward, Neku sensing he wants to know and doesn’t want to ask, and Neku not really wanting to explain. “I stopped being able to scan for a bit,” he tries, “but, uh, I’m psychic again, just so you know.”

“Oh?” Beat says back, and yeah, okay, there isn’t really any way to reply to that. “You ain’t, uh ….”

No way out but the truth: “I’m a reaper, but it’s **fine,** okay? Nothing bad happened.” Yeah, and if Beat believes that, Neku’s got a bridge to sell him, but he feels Joshua edge in as he tries not to listen too closely and _thank fuck_ everything goes muted.

Beat’s quiet for a moment, thinking, and Neku tries not to fidget too much. “Thanks,” he says eventually, “for telling me. I worry about you sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah,” he replies, and he tries not to feel guilty about keeping him out of it last time. “Yeah, I know, and – I can’t hear anything when I’m in my room, all right? So if you need –” and god, he can’t even say it, but at least he’s not the only one bright red and mortified and they’re going to get through this. No matter how fucked up everything is between them, they’ll get through this, and Beat chokes out an acknowledgement before Neku blurts: “I’m gonna head out, bye,” and he is _out_ of there.

He doesn’t know where to go, though, and he clings to his laptop as he sinks down to the floor in the hallway and he kind of wants to cry. Beat’s incredible and Neku keeps hurting him and he hates it, hates feeling powerless and like they’ve got too much baggage for him to make it work again. And Beat – Neku can hear him quietly freaking out in his head no matter that Joshua’s muffled him and Neku knows abruptly he’s made a terrible mistake.

He’s made a terrible mistake, and the only reason he cares is because it hurt Beat. `Im not really okay,` he types in his phone as he hits send, and he stands up on his own as Joshua starts walking him out. That’s not quite what he wants, but he doesn’t _know_ what he wants, and he feels Joshua’s reassurance as he keeps moving him: _getting you to where I can join you; be safe._

That makes sense, but he still doesn’t like it, and it’s **odd** standing in the elevator when he knows he’s not the one who pressed the button. Once he’s out, though, the real Joshua’s right there and he tunes up to the UG as Joshua darts in to embrace him.

“I got you,” he murmurs, taking away Neku’s laptop and banishing it, and Neku’s stiff in his arms as Joshua eases him down. “I wasn’t sure what to do after – after.”

“You killed me,” and Joshua inclines his head in acknowledgement, stepping back slightly though his hand stays on Neku’s side, and he imprints a request to take him to the lounge. Down where Joshua can take care of him, and Neku doesn’t know whether he’d like that or to have never met Joshua in the first place. His life would be so much simpler, but less exciting, and he exhales sharply as Joshua entwines his fingers in his hair.

“I did,” he says, all objective fact without a trace of guilt, and Neku acquiesces, so uncertain what to feel but wanting somewhere quiet and _private_ to try processing it, and Joshua’s power is searing on his skin as he pulls him up, but it’s over so fast and he’s led to sit down, his wings understanding his new location before his head does: Joshua’s bedroom, still with a beanbag couch instead of an actual bed. “You make a very good reaper,” Joshua adds, though how he can tell that, Neku has no idea.

Maybe it’s just faith, and Neku wants to cry, wants to be able to have everything and be everything to everyone and knows it’s never going to happen. “I know you said so,” he mumbles as Joshua rubs his back, pressed up as close as he can manage even if Neku’s not sure if he wants contact or all the distance in the world. “And I’m not mad at you, even if I … even if I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.”

Joshua looks at him, then leans back, watching the clouds in the fake sky as his hand trails down Neku’s side and stops near his waist. “I enjoyed it, you know,” he says, almost conversational, and Neku doesn’t reply. “I knew you had second thoughts, but so long as they weren’t strong enough for you to voice them, I didn’t care. You’re beautiful, Neku, and feeling you die in my arms, at my hands … there’s beauty in that, too, and I enjoyed it.”

Neku just bets he did, and he lets that sink in for a bit, waits to see if that awakens some new and visceral horror in Neku’s reactions. It doesn’t come, though, and Joshua’s stiff as Neku leans on him. “Josh,” he says, “you get off on me killing you. This … this isn’t a surprise.”

Silence. “Do you have to ruin it like that?” he says, plaintive, and Neku rubs his head. “I like the shock value, Neku; you’re too jaded.”

“I’m creeped out!” he blurts out, but Joshua doesn’t believe him and _how_ is this his life? “Josh, I – I know that’s weird and fucked up, but I can tell when you’re playing it up, dude, and it’s – it’s not like you didn’t ask me, fuck. It’s weird but I agreed and I knew you were gonna be weird about it. It’s not new. … I still like you, though.”

Silence. “You’re very strange,” he says eventually, burrowing under his arm and onto his lap, and Neku glowers into the guy’s hair.

“I’m sorry, is Mr Blah Blah Corpses Blah Blah calling me strange? I got to be hearing this wrong.”

Joshua stares at him, then bursts out laughing, and Neku joins him. It _is_ pretty funny, and Neku’s not imagining the sheer **admiration** on his face and projected through his wings, and this might actually work out. “Remind me to show you – yourself, I suppose, any time you want a practical demonstration of anatomy,” he says, and Neku sticks his hand over his mouth to stop him there, though it never works: Joshua bites him and then they’re wrestling, the floor going spongy as Neku hits it, and he’s glad of the reaper strength because it lets him disrupt Joshua’s psi and pin him to the floor, though it won’t last. 

The composer’s got more than a few advantages, but Neku’s got him right where they both want him, and it occurs to him that Neku is _dead_ now. “You still object to anal?” he asks, and Joshua flushes as he gets his knee in between them for leverage to try to roll them both over. 

“It’s not my favorite,” he admits, and Neku figured _that._ “You should be safe from erasure, but – mm, maybe later,” and he ducks his head in to kiss Neku’s collarbone as Neku squawks and this is fun, roughhousing like this. Especially because Joshua can’t get hurt, and Neku can’t, either, he realizes when Josh accidentally gets him in the eye: they just go right through if they don’t mean anything by it.

But his wings ache from all the intent flying around, and Neku **knows** Josh wants to pin him and muck with his soul directly, leave both of them buzzing and barely aware which one of them’s which, and Josh knows just as strongly that it can’t happen. Not so long as Neku has any doubts at all, and Neku backs up the moment he’s got the advantage to give them both the space for their heads to clear. “I can pet you,” Neku says, part of him wanting to do more than that, but Joshua’s shaking his head and his wings hurt. 

“The Game’s running, Neku,” he says quietly, and he freezes. “I can hang out with you here, and I can even touch you if you would like, but I need to stay in the lounge and keep my focus. I’m sorry.”

The Game. He forgot about the fucking Game and he can’t believe he just put the Players out of mind like that, like they’re less important than his quest to get laid, and he – he needs some distance right now, and Joshua’s just calmly meditative as he gets up and tries hard not to think of his boyfriend as a murderer. Even though he is.

“What’s the current status?” he asks, and his phone beeps. Bringing up some of the reaper apps, he supposes, and he takes it out of his pocket to see the screen’s got a tracking app, showing exactly where the Players are and today’s mission.

“Udagawa’s been prone to problems since the Taboo Noise,” Joshua says as he waves a hand and conjures a larger map with notations all over it, and Neku gulps as he spreads it over the floor. “The intensity of the colors is the background Noise strength; one of my duties today is to keep the stuff they encounter weak enough they can defeat it while still being a challenge. Most Players don’t get three weeks to train, after all,” and he’s light at that, even as Neku flicks his wings and watches the strength gradients change so the Players are always in the weakest bits. 

Joshua doesn’t want them erased, he reminds himself, and he tries not to look at the notes for where a Player lost and a reaper got to take the credit. “So you got two pairs left,” he says, hesitant, and he doesn’t want to know but he’s got to: “How many are you bringing back tomorrow?”

“… None, most likely,” and he takes no joy in letting Neku know. “I really do need some of that Noise gone, so they should make it through today, but after that? Neku, not all of them are worth it.”

The judgment grates, and Neku’s grateful he doesn’t have to make that call. It’s still not right, though, and he watches the map as Joshua adds little moving figures of the Players and reapers going about their business to make it sink in. “Would I have been worth it? After my first week, I mean,” and Joshua shakes his head.

“You would have made a wonderful reaper,” he says, “but you wouldn’t have been a resurrection candidate, no. … Do you want to save them?”

Absolutely, and even knowing it’s a trap doesn’t change his reaction. Everyone deserves a chance; he’s got until tomorrow to change Joshua’s mind. “What do I need to do?”

* * *

Joshua sends him right back where he’d picked him up, and he heads up into his apartment to get dressed and let Beat know he’s okay. Both of them are kinda prone to storming out in a huff without thinking too much about it, after all, and he’s glad Joshua only dropped him off before heading home so he’s not going to get teased about his dog boyfriend again. It’s not his fault Joshua’s a weirdo, okay?

With his mind on the Players, though, he’s way too sensitive to the Noise around their place, and his wings twitch as he leaves again. Ugh, is he going to have to do maintenance around his own apartment? It’s that or risk letting them feed off Beat, he supposes, and he stops in the hallway to pull a four-chain together and wreck some orchefrogs, the poor bastards absolutely _nothing_ compared to his power, even before he falls into sync and feels Joshua erasing stuff of his own.

He might not know if he wants to be this influential, but he’s got a duty to help out the people he can, and he keeps taking Noise-clearing breaks as he heads to Udagawa, the ‘points’ of released soul giving him a slight buzz as he goes.

If clearing Noise is this good, how’s erasing Players? He hates that he thinks of it, but he needs to understand the harriers if he’s going to work with them, and that matters too. Do they enjoy their jobs? Pinky sure does, and blood’s got to get on _somebody’s_ hands to keep the district going.

Four Players left on Day Six; two partnerships that the composer’s considering destroying, and the worst thing is Neku can’t exactly blame him. Nobody can save them all; they can only save themselves enough to get the final hand up.

As he gets closer, he tunes down, because just ‘cause the conductor’s **allowed** to go check on his Game doesn’t mean it doesn’t make everybody nervous. The Players especially, and he’s so fucking glad he didn’t know they all got tracked real-time when he was Playing. The whole thing’s rigged; nobody wins who the reapers didn’t want, and if the composer decides to overrule it … he shivers; he can’t help himself. Joshua’s a good guy, but humans aren’t meant to have that much power.

But Joshua’s not human, and the reapers stay hands-off.

`I need some of the paperwork again,` he texts Joshua, tired of checking the little phone screen, and he feels a weight fall into his pockets. There we go, and it’s all neatly in a folder for him to flip through, the remaining Players on top with the erased ones below, and the hair on the back of his neck prickles. All these people were alive two weeks ago, and now most of them are gone.

They’re older than he expected, though, his expectations shaped by the reapers, and he reminds himself that everybody dies as he tries to commit their descriptions to memory. `The filing cabinet in your room has copies of everything,` Joshua adds, like he wanted to know, and he shivers, putting the files away before they can bias him too much.

He’s just a kid, he wants to say, but he was younger when he first died and he’s not the only one, the reapers all skewing young, and Neku wonders how the hell any of them are supposed to know what they’re doing. Fuck this: he wants some invisibility right now, and he tunes himself up as high as he can go as his wings strain and try to ditch his body, but **no,** he wants just a bit lower, and they flutter as he catches the right frequency. Too high for any Player to see, but Shibuya _sings_ with his presence and he thinks the whole set of reapers know he’s here now.

Thanks, Joshua, he thinks, but the UG’s busy with the Game and all the people of Shibuya are so much white noise, soothing and there but not really that important when compared to the reapers and Players, and he knows exactly where to go to find them. The Noise is calmer there, much of it tamed by the composer and then erased by the Players, but he – he doesn’t actually know what he should do, now that he’s found them.

He could try talking to them, he supposes, so long as they don’t see his wings – pretend to be an observer like Mr H was – but he doesn’t actually know if that’s allowed. Not that he’s a stickler for the rules or anything, and it’s Joshua’s own fault for not clearing him on them if he breaks any, but … he was really scared when he was Playing. All the time, and especially when he ran into anyone he couldn’t scan. Maybe it’s better not to set them off like that.

He doesn’t know what to do. He’d thought maybe putting faces to the concept would help, but he checks their files and he’s got no idea how to drill the concept of other people mattering into some folks two or three times his age; he doesn’t even know how he’d have managed it with himself. A week’s barely any time at all, and he looks at their files and he can tell the reapers have tried. Maybe not as hard as they could’ve, but … fuck it, he doesn’t have a solution, but giving up on them like Joshua’s willing to’s no good, either, and at least they haven’t gotten eaten yet.

`I am the worst conductor ever,` he texts Joshua, and what’s he supposed to say? It’s not like it isn’t true: Neku pokes his head in when he finds it convenient and ditches when it isn’t, and right now he still wishes Joshua could have another day off and cuddle with him. _Neku_ doesn’t have school today, after all; it’s unfair their schedules don’t sync up. Yet another thing he should’ve thought about before bugging Joshua about the wing thing.

` I'd rather have you than Konishi, even if it was her reports that kept us one of the top-performing districts in Japan. Come back down and I'll give you some tutoring.`

And now they’re not, and it’s his fault. Not what he’s going to tell Joshua, though: `Arent u working???`

`My job is a lazy one ( •̀ᄇ• ́)ﻭ✧`


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for delay; my laptop is broken. I'll fix formatting when I have a replacement.

The lounge door opens when he tries it, no need for hassling the composer, but the lounge itself is empty and that seems weird for some reason. "They're working," Joshua explains, and he flushes as he switches to house slippers. He'd even _passed_ some of them and yet he didn't think of that.

"What's the door combo? I keep forgetting to ask."

"4289," he replies, and Neku could slap himself. Shi-fu-ya-ku, yeah, no one'll ever guess that. "It's meant to keep Players and foreign reapers out, Neku; it doesn't need to be secure."

Yeah, but that's still just sad. He'd needed someone else to open it for _that?_

"It also explodes if you enter the wrong PIN," he adds, and nevermind! Perfectly secure; Neku has no complaints; do what you want, oh great composer. "Does my passive scanning still bother you?"

What? Oh, yeah, he's told him off before. "Sometimes I want privacy, but mostly I want _other_ people to have privacy," he says honestly, and Joshua leads him to the couch before heading off to make coffee. "If you have to keep track of me to shut out stuff sometimes, I don't want you acting like you're right all the time, you know?"

"Seeing as I actually _am_ right, no, not particularly, but I'll trust you know what you're talking about." Asshole.

He's still an asshole when he brings a carafe, cups, and some sweets to go with their coffee, but that does help. "Are they going to be okay?" he asks, dipping a cookie into his coffee as Joshua makes a face, and for once, he actually does want to know. He **should** know, and not just out of concern for fellow human beings.

And Joshua takes his time replying, weighing out the possibilities. "By this point in the Game, we usually tailor the actual missions to what we want out of the Players," he says slowly, and Neku can kind of see that, actually. "Miscommunication happens all the time, and it's usually easy to find examples that echo the Players' own issues. Envy, in the case of Miss Shiki in your first Game; pride and greed for this crowd. It's fairly rare for the Players to fail the mission itself, but whether or not they accomplish enough self-examination for our standards is another story."

"So it's too early to tell," Neku guesses, and Joshua pushes his hair back, careless as ever.

"They have a few hours yet, but seeing as they're still fixated on the idea of having to treat _teenagers_ with respect, Yashiro's tempted to throw a pachy r &r at them to see if they can at least get their teamwork up to snuff."

Ugh. Fighting elephants was _awful_ and he doesn't envy them in the least. "Wait, they weren't fighting anything near that level," he realizes. "No matter how shit they are, you've got to give them a bit of a chance."

"Oh, very well: if I think she's serious about it, I'll ask her to downgrade to a dub rhino." That's better, but he looks pleased with himself and Neku isn't quite sure why. "You don't remember our first battles together?"

"I was mostly focused on trying not to die, since you killed me and all." He's not really mad, but it'd be nice if the guy looked at least a little cowed instead of totally fascinated. "Fighting Noise isn't exactly my idea of a good time."

"You've been doing well enough so far," he points out, and yeah, fine. It needed to happen and Neku can do it; don't get cocky. "Were you able to clear Noise while on campus?"

"Didn't try," he admits. He doesn't like thinking about that week, but right then, he needed that feeling of companionship as he clears Noise. There might be other composers in other districts, but they're not _his_ composer, you know? "I don't think I want to, either," he adds, and Joshua beams.

"Completely natural," he assures him. "You're Shibuya's enough you'd likely need to pact with a local to fight anywhere else; introduce me if you do, would you?"

Like he'd keep one partner away from the others? "Three's enough for me, Josh; I don't need another with somebody I barely know."

"Especially not from another district," Joshua adds, like that's the real sticking point, but yeah, sure. He nods agreement and Joshua lights right up like his student just learned a new phrase and really, Joshua, _really?_ Is insisting on Shibuya's inherent superiority **that** important? ... of course it is, and Joshua ruffles his hair as he scowls. "Well, we won't know how our reapers compare unless we do our performance evaluations; shall we?"

Ugh, does he have to? But he _did_ come down here to learn how to do his job, and he tries not to look too annoyed as Joshua pulls a box full of folders out and starts setting them on the table. "All right."

* * *

Whoever decided death needed so much paperwork should be _shot,_ Neku decides, and given some of Joshua's fetishes, that might be too good for them. Seppuku's over too fast, unless they're not allowed a second; maybe having them drawn and quartered would be good. Make them all fill out the forms in their own blood and offal. That'll do it.

"The forms are a recent development," Joshua says, like that makes it any better. "We used to have to write it all out in longhand, but with the population boom ...."

"I don't care," he announces, and how's he supposed to know how to grade a reaper's creativity? Is it the Higher Plane's _problem_ if some of the wall challenges have more to do with fulfilling the reaper's soul energy quota than personal or social development? Joshua points at a number, and yeah, okay, he circles it. "Do we have to do this _every week?_ "

"Yes, and you'll count yourself lucky I'm still handling the Player ones," Joshua snaps. "We need detailed data on every reaper and Player to go through our Game, or else we'll be lower on the Higher Plane's priority list the next time we have a problem, and seeing as Sanae saw fit to make a _dead zone_ in the middle of Udagawa --"

"Wait, what?"

"The Taboo Noise sigil?" Joshua says, but that was years ago! That can't still be -- "We got it patched, but it'll take a few centuries for it to go back to normal, the technician said. We can't afford to be known as troublemakers right now: I don't want them shoving us back down to the bottom of the queue."

But -- Neku actually doesn't have words for this. They just ... they just have some mystically broken spot they can't do anything about? That fucking _bureaucracy_ of all things is willing to ignore if they don't suck up to them properly? "So if we have to behave, is it a problem that I'm -- you know?" Incompetent? Inexperienced? Alive, as of two days ago? There's all sorts of ways Neku doesn't want to finish that sentence.

Joshua waves his hand, conjuring a draft to ruffle his hair, and he flushes. "I've been doing most of the work a good conductor would do, Neku," he says patiently, like that helps. Neku doesn't want to be a burden, but he doesn't want a huge pile of work, either. "If you determine entry fees and make plans of attack for the reapers on off weeks, and help me with the overviews on Game weeks like you are right now, you'll be most of the way to replacing both Konishi and my Megumi."

"So that would be ...?"

"Saturdays. If you spend part of each Saturday doing our Game's paperwork, you'll have taken the workload the reapers don't like doing and that isn't a good use of my time."

That doesn't sound _too_ bad, he supposes. It'd suck less if there was less _math_ involved with this shit, but it's all pretty simple, really: soul expended, soul released, standard depreciation from unattended Noise .... It's not that exciting, no, but they work through the rest in mostly-silence and when it's done, it's **done.** No staring at it to see if there are any more changes he wants to make: he just passes it off to Joshua, who checks it for accuracy, and after a few minor changes, they're done. They're finally done!

"Congratulations," Joshua says drily, but screw it: Neku wants to do a little dance, and he's going to, too. The only person there to judge watches kiddie tv, so it's not like Joshua has room to complain. "I see you've already gotten started on the celebrating, but is there anything you'd like to do before we need to account for today's efforts as well?"

Wait, they aren't _done_ done? He stops, embarrassed by that more than his pride, but from the quirk of Joshua's mouth, it's not like there's a real problem. "I dunno," he says honestly, though he remembers Joshua saying something about tutoring him. "You still can't go out, right?"

He wiggles his hand. "If anyone's going to shoot at me, I'd rather it be you," he says, and gah, he's so casual about it, too. "It's here or WildKat, I'm afraid, and I don't think you'd like to see Sanae today."

No. No, he would not. "I've got stuff I need to do today," he warns. "I can't just ...."

"I'm not expecting you to," he says back, and Neku breathes out, the sensation relaxing in its own way. Even if they _are_ both dead, and Neku suppresses a shiver at the thought, death as a minor transition a hard concept to internalize. "No matter how long you plan on staying, we should get you outfitted as a proper reaper, hmm?" He waves his hand for Neku to stand up, and he does, conscious of the composer's assessment.

"No guns," he states, as much out of practicality as reluctance: Neku's got uni, you know, and he's not some kind of yakuza, taking firearms with him no matter how expensive the bullets. Joshua only hums, though, getting up and taking Neku's measurements, and he sure hopes that means he's listening.

"Guns are useful, but if you insist, I can arm you some other way," he concedes, but Neku'd rather not be armed at all. "Perhaps a staff, my little monkey king?"

... Monkey king? "If I'm Son Goku, does that make you Sanzou?" he quips, and oh, fuck, Joshua's actually thinking about it. "Don't you dare call Shiki Sa Gojou." Even if Beat _is_ a bit pig-like.

"I wouldn't dare," Joshua replies, in that way where Neku knows he's not just thinking about it: he's going to laugh his ass off the moment he thinks he can get away with it. Jerk. "You should have a grace period, but it's deeply unwise to not have _some_ form of weapon proficiency, and you prefer positive psyches, correct?"

Well, _maybe._ "I'm pretty versatile."

"I know," he says with a little smile, and Neku flicks some crumbs at him. No congratulating yourself on your excellent choice of proxy, dude. "I have a wide range, too, but some suit me better than others: mainly, apport and psychokinesis, though my decks usually have a few patrol rounds and entanglement. While you use ...?"

"Mostly Jupiter of the Monkey pins," he admits, and Joshua doesn't snicker but he's totally thinking about it. "Uh, shockwave and vulcan uppercut, generally. -- And some Pegaso. Lightning arrester, mostly."

Joshua rubs his chin in thought, practically exuding pride, and Neku's tempted to give him a noogie. He sits down instead, leaving Joshua to loom over him like the worst kind of teacher. "Learning the staff would help a great deal with your control over your positive psyches, possibly leaving you able to fight competently in other districts," Joshua muses, close enough for Neku to feel his possessive rumble, and he shivers. "You won't be much use for negative ones without a gun, however, and I don't think the Pegaso suits you."

He likes the Pegaso, though, and he's not getting a gun no matter what Joshua says. "I'll learn the staff if you insist," he concedes, and Joshua imprints upon him some of his own glee. He quirks up a smile of his own, but Joshua's eyes are hooded and his wings prickle.

"There's no point on insisting before I've seen you at your best," he says lightly, his psi getting that sharp edge, and Neku swallows, not sure he's catching the implication but absolutely certain he doesn't want a real fight with the composer.

A spar, though …. "You'd be playing fair, right?" he checks, and the idea heats in his gut, an adrenaline rush a great thing sometimes.

Joshua smiles and gives him his hand to pull him up, his frequency already raising as he relocates them both, and Neku should know already Joshua _never_ plays fair. "We'll be playing," he confirms, though that doesn't mean he won't cheat, and he gestures with his free hand to draw out a landscape: a large empty field like the Noise plane, the Rainbow Bridge beneath them and Tokyo Bay in the distance, and Neku huffs a laugh: he really did like their date.

Their odd surroundings aside, Neku takes his silent cue to drop into Noise form and leaps so they're a few meters apart, facing each other. Joshua's still creating the space, the concrete shifting into a spongy mat as Neku's claws sink into it, and he scritches his odd fur as he waits for Joshua to finish.

"Rules of engagement?" Joshua asks, and Neku hadn't thought that far. "No killing intent and no wing damage, certainly, and I suppose you'd prefer no maiming."

 ** _No shit,_** though maybe it's actually a question, reapers being how they are. `Are you planning on shooting me?` he asks, and truthfully, he can deal if the answer is yes. He's been shot at before, and _this_ time he's prepared.

"I'm certainly going to try." Great. Just great. "And the stakes?"

Stakes, like this is just a friendly competition, but that's what this **is.** `A favor,` he decides. `Nothing big, just -- something the loser might not _want_ to do, but wouldn't mind doing.`

"Always a classic," Joshua agrees, and he bows, holding it a little long so Neku can catch up, and Neku wonders if he should've asked for a spotter.

Too late now, and Neku's in the air on the count of three, dodging Joshua's starting earthquake with a leap. Expect anything, he tells himself, and he realizes his abstracted fingers can find purchase in midair as he hangs there, waiting the psych out.

"Levitation," Joshua muses, and he flicks his hand as Neku _bolts,_ desperate to avoid the lines of flame as Joshua tries to trap him, but Neku's more mobile than that, isn't he. He can't stop mid-leap, he realizes when a strand nicks his tail in a spike of pain, but the air itself is a platform for him, the UG solidifying to fit his intent. Joshua's grinning, enjoying the little potshots of energy rounds as Neku tests his mobility, but that won't last long.

He goes in for a shockwave, his tail going solid as steel to slice through the composer's physical form, but Joshua's faster, flickering out and reappearing behind him for a blast of burst rounds. Neku needs to _not be there,_ and then he isn't, seeing both the top of Joshua's head and his startled expression as he impales and slashes him in one (two?) smooth motions.

It's not fatal, not even close, Joshua only staticking back together once Neku's clear of where he'd been, but that's how he wants it. He squeezes his eyes tight and reopens them, his double vision gone, and Joshua brushes his hair out of his eyes as he kicks off the ground to start floating himself. "If you can use more than one body like that, perhaps I should get a bit serious," Joshua says, but the first half doesn't register as Neku hisses a barrier into existence around him.

It's no good, though: the gravity shifts and he's thrown face-first into his own protective bubble, and he's stuck trying to reorient himself when a fucking _car_ hits it and it holds, if barely. He hears a few sharp bangs and Joshua's bullets tear right through his defenses as he falls, winded. `Careful!` he screeches, and Joshua watches him in mild curiosity, like he _didn't_ just fill his boyfriend with lead, but his pelt shudders and he hears the bullets plink as he pulls himself back together, vaporizing the car. `I'm okay,` he says, and it's even true.

"I'm hardly going to erase my conductor in a _sparring match,_ " Joshua drawls, but there's pride there, too, and Neku flashes him some teeth. Those energy attacks **hurt** when they hit, way more power behind them than Neku ever managed, but Neku thinks he might've hit hard, too, Joshua's presence shaky in a way he can't identify. "In a real fight, I'd never bother with this, but with _you_ \--"

Joshua cuts himself off, staticking out with a flash of wings and Neku flattens down to the ground fast, wanting cover wherever he can get it. There's none to be found, though, and the blaze of power blinds him for a moment as he's faced with Joshua's Noise form in full splendor, ground forming over the bay just to fit the bastard, and if there was ever a Noise to rival Kitaniji's snake, this would be it. `Ready?` Joshua calls, and Neku's already moving, trying to get enough aerial height to even see what he's doing.

If he had any doubts about the whole reaper thing, this would settle them: he wants to do this **forever,** and he bets Joshua feels the same. There's nothing like a good challenge, and Joshua lets him get most of the way to eye level before acting, calling beams of light to entangle him with a low whine, but Neku's ready for it, jumping and floating just barely out of the line of fire, and right now he wishes above all else he had proper access to his pin deck so he could try pyrokinesis, lightning arrester, _anything_ to bring him back on the offensive, and all he's got is to shed that version of himself like a lizard's tail and switch left to Joshua's ear, and drop that self, too. Again and again, until he's fully behind the guy, and he detonates each decoy in turn.

Five of them, all told, but there's no hiding from the composer and he can't teleport fast enough to keep Joshua from swatting him with his tail and nearly in range of those sharp claws, but if he can just -- he ditches that one, too, and aims for just under his belly in time to uppercut him. `Dirty little cheater,` Joshua calls, but he started it!

The composer can warp, too, which is seriously unfair when he's that damn big, and snaps his mouth shut on where Neku'd just been, the gaps in his teeth wide enough to leap through. Neku detonates that cast-off, too, and Joshua yelps. `I yield!` he calls, and even if Neku knows he could've kept fighting, that doesn't stop him from glowing with pride as he shifts back to human, his new reaper wings flapping slowly as he floats back down to the ground.

Joshua paws at his snout in distaste, though whether it's from losing or his tongue stinging, Neku has no clue. He keeps that shape, too, towering over him until Neku's feet touch the mat again, before finally shrinking back into human form, still rubbing his face. "Neku, that was rude," he sulks, and Neku rolls his eyes.

"You're the one who tried to _eat me,_ " he points out, but logic never works with the composer and today is no different. "What's with surrendering, anyway? You could've won."

"Not without shifting back," he says cheerily, and Neku flushes. "Most of us go for big and flashy, but you're good at being the underdog, hm?"

"Comes with practice," he quips, though honestly he doesn't know how to feel about that. He's got a lot more versatility with his pin deck than as a Noise, and -- ah, that's what Joshua meant. "You and Shades, you're too big to dodge," he says frankly, and Joshua only barely flinches at the mention of his old conductor. "Pinky and Lollipop were _way_ tougher."

"I'd imagine," he says, scratching his chin, and for once, Neku doesn't mind his calculations. "With your skillset, you could take out the upper echelons of, oh, half of Tokyo at the least, but I doubt you'd survive the first harrier after your head. Best that you don't want my job."

"Uh, yeah." He's not sure what to say to that, and Joshua reaches up to ruffle his hair before leading him back to the lounge, as pristine as always. Neku knows better, though.

He kicked the composer's ass, and it wasn't even a thrown match, or not too much, anyway. He is _so_ awesome. "Tokyo's having a meeting in April," Joshua adds, bringing him back out of his thoughts, and they sit down on the couch again, another thing of coffee ready for them. "No one's truly expecting you to show, but it would make us look good if you did."

"Tokyo?" he repeats, and Joshua gives him a look. Oh, the Tokyo composers. "Are you going?"

"Mm, we don't," he says easily, and he sips his coffee. "None of the composers do, really: we send our conductors or other stand-ins with everything we want talked about, and you all have a gathering in our honor. It's mostly a time to foster inter-district cooperation."

"But you don't like cooperating," he has to say, and Joshua looks at him levelly. Of course he doesn't, but it still has to happen. "Am I going to need something special to wear?"

Joshua beams at him, and it takes him a moment to realize he's already agreed to go to this conductor -- thing. Even with him barely having any idea what he's doing. "You will eventually, and I'd like your input on your official outfits," he says smoothly, like it's some favor he's doing, and Neku furrows his brow. "Sanae's a better designer than I am, but I have plenty of experience with the craft, I assure you: if you know what you want, we can likely make it."

"I already got clothes," he points out, in case Joshua missed his closet somehow, but he's not dissuaded and Neku doesn't know why he bothered trying. "Something simple? I like blue."

"Yes, I already know your color preferences," he sighs, conjuring a sketchpad and drawing a (really quite neat) mock-up of a few different jacket styles. "You'll be representing Shibuya, Neku; _please_ be more adventurous than Megumi was?"

Like it's his problem his old conductor liked snake prints? "Sure, but I'm not going to carry around a rubber duck all day."

"I can work with that constraint," he agrees, and Neku watches in fascination as he sketches outfits for him, Neku's measurements noted in a corner in a neat script, and he's seen Shiki work from this into real patterns and so on, but he never considered the composer doing it, too.

It's strange, and he gives his opinion on each article of clothing as Joshua goes through, but it's cool, too. He'd've fallen over himself for made-especially-for-him CAT originals a while ago, and while Joshua isn't quite CAT, that's all to the better. Part of him wonders why Joshua'd be doing this -- he's just some guy, for fuck's sake -- but he tries not to let it show. For better or worse, he **is** going to represent Shibuya, and if Joshua's maybe trying to live vicariously through him, well ... it's harmless, really.

Joshua's not satisfied until he agrees on two jackets and a solid dozen each of shirts, pants, and skirts, though he reassures him that he _probably_ won't make them all, and Neku can't shake the feeling he's unleashed a monster. _Buying_ him clothes was one thing; making them's a lot bigger of a time investment and he's a little impressed. Only a little, because it's Joshua and he cheats, but still.

"Do you mind if I work with Sanae for this?" he asks when they're done, and Neku bristles, though it's easier when he doesn't have to see him. "I'd need to anyway, honestly -- he's the one who has a supply of fabric already -- but I'm tempted to see if you can be trained to model, too."

 _"Model?"_ Okay, no, this has gone way too far. "Look, I know you and him are friends, but don't you rope me into hanging out with him, too. I am not going to sit around and try to look pretty for him when I don't even have the right face for it."

Joshua arches an eyebrow, but _no,_ Josh, he's not doing it. "I'd need Sanae's resources, but it wouldn't be Sanae doing it," he says, intent, and Neku gulps. "Sanae's a very good photographer, but I wouldn't need subtlety with you, would I? If I need you to hold still or change your position, I can suggest as much myself."

And he doesn't mean the sort of _suggestion_ that involves talking, either. "Josh," he warns, and the guy raises a hand placatingly. "I don't find you hijacking my body anywhere near as casual as you do, so let's put this in the leave well enough alone pile, okay? I know you don't mean it to be -- stressful, but --"

"-- you're human," he finishes, and Neku's sense of him shuts off hard enough his wings sting. No harm done, he thinks, and Joshua sends him an apology before closing himself back off, and it's weird to have to look at Joshua's face to guess what he's thinking. He pushes his hair back, a bit sheepish, and Neku cracks a smile for him. "Even many reapers would find it difficult to trust their composer with such things, really; Kouki doesn't respond to me at all."

And Lollipop even likes the guy. "So the mind control thing, it's only with me?" he says, too sharply, and Joshua looks up at the ceiling in a way Neku _definitely_ doesn't like. Not with Neku unable to get a read on him again.

"Sanae and I also have this problem," he says, and that's still not what Neku wants to know. "It's common for a conductor to respond to their composer that way, but _usually_ only after the composer's remoulded their conductor's wings. You, however, were my Game partner, and I --" He coughs and looks away, his face pink, but Neku's not fooled by a dead guy's coughing fit and he waits for him to continue, no matter that he doesn't want to. "I like you, Neku, a great deal," he admits eventually, and it's not new information but he wants to kiss him anyway. He doesn't, though, waiting patiently for Joshua to continue, and he puts that information about his wings away so he'll know later. "You sound strong and kind, Neku, of the sort that's hard-earned and hard to keep, and it's difficult to not want to harmonize with you, to pull you into sync with me. You're very good."

He kisses the top of his head to shut him up, and Joshua jumps, his psi closed off enough Neku doubts he'd even realized he moved. "Open back up," he tells him, and Joshua does so gratefully, the roar of Shibuya drowning out the rest of Neku's senses as he loses track of time, wakes back up to find himself still kissing him. Neku jerks back hurriedly, but he feels Joshua's embarrassment and self-hatred and his overwhelming **duty** and that's not right, either, the flash of his emotions brief and only to show Neku he's not trying to hide anything. He ruffles Joshua's hair, and he hates being moved around like that, but he hates some of this, too, and he nudges Joshua mentally until he puts that sense of his city back where it belongs, loud enough to almost drown out the boy himself but not quite. Just enough of Joshua for him to know he's still there.

"I'm not going to be mad you want things," Neku says slowly, firmly, and he sits down next to him so he can pull Joshua's head against his chest. "You're not always going to _get_ them, but what pisses me off's when you try to plan far in advance instead of telling me what's up and asking me in baby steps so we're on the same page. Okay?"

"No," he snaps, and Neku glares down at him. He's such a **child** sometimes, but Neku lets him take his time no matter how much it pisses him off as Joshua clings to him, his head right where Neku'd like to put his elbow. "Neku, if I ask, you would say no," he says, and he sounds tired. (He's not the only one.) "You would _always_ say no, Neku."

"Have you tried?" he says, and Joshua snorts.

"There's no point." Like hell. "Neku, if I came to you months after our duel, no words spoken since, and I had told you I thought about it and I wanted you dead and sworn to my service, what would you have said?"

He'd have said no. No, he'd have told Joshua to go fuck himself, and he'd have been right to, too, because nothing he'd seen would have shown that Joshua thinks of anyone other than himself. He still can't tell sometimes, but he thinks and he hopes and Joshua presses closer, no matter that he'd think he'd've wanted distance while arguing. "It's different," he says, because it's got to be, but he suspects that's still how Joshua thinks of it even now, all the relationship stuff a nice bonus. "You wanted that already?"

"I wanted that as soon as I revived you," he says honestly. "Maybe before that, too, though it wasn't a serious consideration. I was tired, Neku."

He's still tired. "Sorry." Joshua's hair is soft as Neku pets it, and he still wishes the guy could just _be honest_ and tell Neku what he's thinking, trust him not to be angry with him over with it, but he's not wrong not to and that makes it worse. "I'm still not happy, but ...."

"Not everything I want is plausible," Joshua says, sitting back up to look at him, and Neku hates that he can just _accept that._ "You might never find some uses for my power tolerable, much less pleasurable. I know."

But he still wants it, and Neku hates feeling like he's the hold-up to someone else's happiness. Even if he knows he isn't, that Joshua would know he feels obligated and hate everything about it. It still sucks, and it sucks worse knowing Joshua's trying very hard to be okay with it. "Can I ask," he starts, and Joshua perks up. "You don't have to answer, 'cause it's not like I know, either, but ... if everything you're aiming for with me worked out, where do you want us to be in five years? Ten?"

His eyebrows raise, and Neku knows immediately that he's thought about this before, that the only thing he has to think about is how to tell Neku. "I don't have a timescale in mind," he warns, "and you must remember that so long as you're Shibuya's, you won't age much, either. It doesn't matter how long it takes, and I want this done right if it's to be done at all. What I want is -- you as my conductor, instrumental in helping Shibuya be world-renowned as a center of fashion and culture as our tech industry influences the globe. You're well-regarded within the UG, considered tough but fair by reapers throughout Tokyo, and the more empathetic counterpart to the notoriously-stingy Shibuya composer.

"You have a thriving RG social life and are well-known there, too, as a local artist and pillar of the community, who likely visits all sorts of concerts and openings and your taste is wide and eclectic. Unbeknownst to the RG crowd, though, you're not above quietly asking for my opinion whenever something is outside your expertise, and you're as much of a homebody as the rest of us, other neighborhoods beneath your notice except when there's a trend you can improve on.

"As for us, you and I make regular if unambitious trips around Tokyo, with you as my guide in this world and I as yours in other Shibuyas, and you make a point of setting aside two days a month to spend between us as we see fit. The lounge goes back to primarily being where young reapers stay until they're past probation and can find their own accommodations, and I'm a frequent but brief visitor at your apartment. You've --" and it's here his voice cracks, him _knowing_ this is the part Neku might object to, and Neku tries to be patient as Joshua puts his words in order. "I don't know if you'll ever make some peace with Sanae. I don't expect it and I certainly don't want to fight about it, but what I want, _what I hope for,_ is that you're comfortable with his place in my life and I don't need to keep the two of you apart because you **know** that whatever he and I have won't replace you, do you understand that? You're both the most important people to me and I know you find him loathsome, I know he's a liar and a thief and a traitor besides, but he's **_mine_** and I would rather give up my wings than have to run Shibuya without either of you. _Either_ of you, Neku: that includes you, but that means Sanae, too."

"I know," and he does know, really, but knowing and believing are two separate things, and thinking of some of the things Mr H has done makes him so _angry_ \-- and he takes a deep breath and lets it go. Tries to let the anger go, too, no matter how justified it is, because Joshua just laid a lot of himself bare and neither of them need this fight right now. "That future -- it sounds nice," he says instead, and he pulls Joshua into a hug, unsurprised when he's stiff, though Neku knows he's happy.

"It would be."

But he didn't say much about his own personal life, he notices, and he wonders if Joshua's thought about it much at all. Probably not, or he didn't think it's important, and it just makes Joshua's resignation all the more frustrating. "What's Mr H to you?" he asks, because if Joshua's talking about himself -- Neku barely knows anything about Hanekoma, really, and even if a lot of what he knows makes him not want to know more, it's not doing Joshua any favors to stick his fingers in his ears.

"He's my friend," he says immediately, but _friend_ doesn't explain -- "You have to understand, I wouldn't be composer right now if it weren't for him. I wouldn't be **anything:** he kept me from doing -- all sorts of things, when I was young and reckless, and just because I knew most of the reapers didn't mean they had any interest in taking in a brat and keeping him from hating the entire world. They have their own problems, you know, and they don't tend to be the compassionate sort.

"Sanae was, though, and he kept me from giving up. He was there when I needed him, and I needed him all the more when I became composer, my first conductor not exactly being inclined towards magnanimity. We've -- we've been physical at times," he adds, all in a rush like he's expecting Neku to shut that topic down, and Neku might not like it but it's past time for him to know. When the objection doesn't come, he continues: "Not in the ways you and I have -- Sanae and I don't have the same urges you do, not unless we've been downtuned more than usual -- and not for the past two years --"

" _Two_ years?" Neku repeats, and Joshua flushes again.

"I cut it off a year before asking you to be my conductor, yes," he says, and that still seems odd. "We haven't had sex since before you and I started, but our physical relationship continued until I needed to start planning for your graduation. ... I thought exclusivity might improve my position, you see."

And he's not wrong, either, a weight off Neku's shoulders he didn't realize was there. It's not something he's thought about, but ... nothing of Joshua's sexual history has been something he's _wanted_ to think about, either. "If you had the option, would you want that from me, too?" he asks, and Joshua shrugs.

"I have the part that matters to me," he says, and he means it, too. "Humans aren't competition, so I don't care; Shibuya reapers are already mine, so I don't care there, either. So long as you continue to have nothing to do with other composers, it doesn't matter to me who you spend your time with or what you do with them. -- And I do mean _nothing,_ Neku: treat them all as their roles if you must think of them at all."

"So no wondering if they're hot, then," he jokes, but Joshua goes so still with restrained fury that he wishes he hadn't. "Take a chill pill, dude: you're too high maintenance for me to ever want a second of you."

"I'm holding you to that, but it isn't funny, Neku," he squeaks, and Neku pats his shoulder. "Do not test me on this, not unless you want to be persona non grata in Tokyo, because we all know approaching another district's conductor is asking for a feud or worse. It's deeply, **deeply** serious and not a joking matter."

"Okay, I believe you." It's weird to think of all the shadowy gods of the Underground being **that** jealous and possessive, though, but he pets Joshua's hair and brushes him with his psi and every fiber of the guy's being is objecting to the idea of Neku ever knowing another of his sort. No, not even just asking how their days were. _I won't,_ Neku promises silently, and again and again because Neku's never been good at following rules when he doesn't understand them.

But Joshua is important to him and this is important to Joshua, so he's going to have to. It's not even that complicated, but it still grates: don't acknowledge a few dozen psychics out of all the places Neku could go, and Joshua sighs.

"They'd take it as a threat, you know," he adds, and wait, what? "You're Shibuya's; it's safer to assume you want their position and to spread my glory than that you have any interest in them, **especially** since no composer would willingly share their friends with another. We never have many of them and we're fiercely partisan; you can talk to other conductors as much as you want, but expressing interest in their composer beyond their role and abilities will be taken badly."

And piss Joshua off, he finishes, but at least that's starting to sound not _entirely_ arbitrary. He might not **like** it, but he can deal. "Okay."

Joshua lets all his tension go and slumps onto Neku's lap, nudging his hand to pet his hair again, and it'd be easy not to ask further about the one thing Neku doesn't want to know. It's a good future, the one Joshua wants, and Neku could support it, but he still wishes Hanekoma would just go away. Even if he's important to Joshua, he's a shitty person and Neku hates him, wishes Joshua'd just get over their friendship somehow.

But it's not going to happen, is it.

No matter how awful the guy is, it's not in Joshua's nature to let things go, and it's not in Neku's, either: all they can do is keep moving forward. And they both are, he's sure: they have friends now and Joshua even said that he wants to be able to travel, even if it's hard for him. Neku just ... he really doesn't like Hanekoma, and it occurs to him that Joshua said he cut it off for _Neku's_ sake, not that he wanted to. "Do you," Neku starts, and he has no idea how to put this, doesn't even want the conversation. "You've said you don't mind if I have other partners, but you're being exclusive to me, right?"

A flare of hope, and this isn't what Neku wants **at all,** but it's not fair if it's uneven and he doesn't want to be making Joshua unhappy. "Sanae and I are ..." and Joshua doesn't know how to phrase it, either. "I would prefer to not have to moderate our interactions based on your approval," he tries, and that's about what Neku thought he might say. "Sanae and I aren't intimate often, much less in any way you'd recognise, but we've both been snippier without the option."

"And you miss it," he finishes. A nod. "Okay, well, I can't promise anything, but if you keep it -- not like you do between us --" He doesn't even finish the sentence before Joshua's pushing him down to the couch with a kiss, completely thrilled. That is _so_ not the reaction Neku thinks anyone should have to the prospect of quality time with Mr H, but fuck it, he makes Joshua happy, and Joshua sucks on his neck as Neku cranes up and considers giving the hickey lecture again.

`You're a reaper, so I can heal any blemishes I give you,` Joshua says slyly, and oh, fuck, okay, he can bite as hard as he wants so long as he doesn't stop. Freaking -- and he doesn't want to whine like a loser, but Joshua sneaks into his mind and eases his inhibitions away, and frick. Don't try to make him come in his pants, asshole, and Neku doesn't even like pain all that much but he has to push Joshua up and away to keep from going off, he's so determined about their makeouts.

"Bedroom," Neku insists harshly, because he might not be thinking straight right now but he **knows** this is a public place sometimes, and Joshua huffs as he easily stands up and sweeps Neku into a bridal carry like he weighs nothing, though Neku knows damn well Joshua's a twig.

They're in Joshua's bedroom in seconds, Neku wincing at the change in lighting, and it only takes a few seconds more for Joshua to set him down and open his fly as he bends down and Neku pushes him away. "Don't want you doing all the work," Neku mutters, and Joshua's silent reassurances don't help. "Let me touch you, too, Josh, come on ...."

He hears a rustling sound as Joshua's wings unfurl into view, but that's not what he meant. "I don't have the same desires," he warns, but he's not telling the whole truth and Neku knows it.

"You downtune sometimes," he says, and Joshua goes still even as Neku starts working both their clothes off, digging into Joshua's waist more than he needs to with his fingers as he pulls down his pants, and Joshua might not be cooperative but he hears he's more confused than anything else. "I'm a reaper now, so I should be sturdy, right? You don't have to hold back."

But Joshua still looks hesitant, more distant than Neku wants right now, and he can't tell what's _wrong._ "I ..." Joshua starts, and come on, get into bed, but he just furrows his brow and Neku kind of wants to drag him along. "Pet me and I'll think about it," he decides, flopping onto the bed face-first as he vanishes his clothes and fwaps Neku with his wings.

Neku doesn't see why there's anything to think about, but fine! Joshua's wings are big again, and it's a bit tricky to get a good grip on them, but he takes one in hand anyway and digs his fingers into the not-muscle as Joshua groans. He seems happy, but that makes one of them, Neku half wishing he'd just let Joshua go down on him like he wanted as the guy seems utterly content just lying there motionlessly as Neku preens and massages his stiff wings, and Neku wonders if the guy has ulterior motives for letting him see other people.

"I'm dead," Joshua mumbles into his pillow, and yeah, Neku noticed. "I feel good when you feel good, but I simply like touching. Pet me."

"I _am_ petting you," he grumbles, and Joshua whacks him in the face with his other wing. "Maybe if they were _small_ like you _usually_ keep them, I could get both at once."

His wings freeze again, and Neku hears Joshua thinking. "I like them big," he decides, turning to watch Neku struggle with them, and he flaps to hit Neku in the nose again. Fucking hell, this asshole's doing it on purpose. "Mmhm," and that's not something to _confess_ to, Joshua!

"You know, I could stop petting you," he says, but Joshua just grumbles. "Seeing as you're being difficult."

"I'm always difficult," and he hums, his wings vibrating in contentment under Neku's fingers, and it carries up through his arms and shoulders and back and leaves Neku's own wings aching to be touched. Joshua won't, though, even if Neku doesn't quite get why, and he feels Joshua pressing into his mind enough that he blacks out for a second.

Nothing _feels_ wrong, though, and Joshua hums again with his mouth, thinking. "Josh," he says, and the hum pitches up, questioning, but he already knows what Neku's wondering, doesn't he?

"You do seem resilient," he concedes, and he pulls his wings away as he stretches, not doing more than getting onto his knees and raising his butt up so Neku can smack it jokingly. Joshua looks back at him witheringly, but what, was Neku supposed to resist? "I don't suggest testing your luck, but if you don't mind spending more time in my head than yours, I _suppose_ we can try anal."

Really? "Who's topping?" he asks, though he's thinks he knows the answer already.

"You are," he says, and what? He was sure a control freak like him -- "I don't like working up a sweat, Neku, and I don't relish balancing sex with making sure I don't squash your psyche. Use me however you please, but don't expect me to put the effort in."

"Lazy," he accuses, and Joshua waves his hand: what, like it's a surprise? Neku slaps his ass again, and Joshua laughs. Masochist.

Actually, his ass is pretty slappable, and he tries again, judging the feel of it. Pretty bony, really, nothing to write home about, but it's got a nice consistency and shape, and Joshua leers at him. "Why, Neku! I didn't think you had it in you. Planning to put me over your knee and spank me until I learn to behave?"

"What, do you want me to?"

A moment's thought on both their parts, and Joshua's scrambling onto his lap, his wings carefully out of the way for easier access, and Neku's sure the guy's planning on hitting him with them. Too bad for him, though, because Neku's cottoned onto his shenanigans and holds them down with one arm as he slaps his ass, experimenting. Joshua laughs again, and this isn't really _sexy,_ but he whacks him another time and yeah, okay, this is fun. Not particularly erotic, but fun, and Joshua's wings flutter each time Neku's palm makes contact.

Well, he wouldn't have left them out if he didn't expect Neku to touch them, he decides, and he holds them down with his elbow as he digs his fingers into the feathers along his shoulder blades before hitting him again, and Joshua _moans,_ loud enough Neku jerks a little. "I can't stop from imprinting you with you holding me like that," he warns as Neku gives him a second, but that's fair. If Neku feels some of what Joshua feels, that's just fine, and _Neku's_ the one who feels very aroused and more than a bit confused for the next one.

He still doesn't really get the pain thing, but the stinging in his hand and Joshua's buttocks keeps him grounded, and from what he can feel of the edges of Joshua's power, as busy with Shibuya's upkeep as ever, Joshua deeply needs that, anything to remind him what his body is up to. And with his wings out like this ... Neku could do serious damage, yes, but he's not going to, and he strokes along the edges before smacking him.

His vision stutters, but he doesn't feel any _pain,_ just Joshua having overwhelmed him momentarily, and the guy looks up to flash him a cautious smile before Neku ruffles his hair. He's just going to have to go slow, he decides, and he considers hitting him again before he just sits up and lets Joshua fall off him without resistance.

The composer scrambles up and scowls at him, completely miffed, but what? Neku needed to move, okay. "You can do what you'd like," he grumbles, "but you need to use a condom if you fuck me," and he conjures a bottle and packet within arm's reach.

"Scared you'll catch something?"

A withering glare. "Your body's disgusting," he declares, and he's _still_ not over that? "I don't want any of that in me; it's gross."

Uh. "You go down on me all the time," he points out, though it's never any use when he gets like this. More than that, he remembers Joshua doing some things that _definitely_ should require more of a gross tolerance, and Neku's more baffled than anything else.

"I don't care what goes in my mouth," he says primly, and what is he, a dog? "Neku, my Noise form has nothing to do with it!"

 _"Woof woof,"_ and Joshua tackles him, his back hitting the bed with enough force to leave him winded as Joshua stares him down, an evil glint in his eyes. Have mercy! Neku thinks, raising his hands, but mercy's for humans and the composer has none, leaning in to suck on Neku's shoulder with enough force and a strong enough imprint that he could probably come right then, embarrassing as it could be.

Aiming his mind control right to the libido has _got_ to be cheating, but Joshua just looks proud of himself and Neku's gonna need to talk to him about this later. Right now, though, he doesn't want Joshua to stop, and he chokes off a curse as Joshua goes for his nipples and chest. "You don't play fair," he whines, voice rough, and Joshua chuckles.

"War has rules. Love doesn't."

He is p-r-e-t-t-y sure that's not how it goes, but Joshua's already taking his cock into his mouth before he can do more than furrow his brow, and his arms feel like ramen as he tries to push him away. No need, though, Joshua only getting him wet before rolling a condom onto him, and he climbs onto Neku's lap to position himself over his cock with more solidity than usual, though not by much.

Still weightless, though, and Neku sits up to tip him off for the second time that night. "I'm leading," he reminds him, and Joshua gives him a dirty look before getting on all fours, his ass right in front of Neku's face, and for a moment he's tempted to see what eating ass is like. Probably not worth it, he decides, and it's hard to climb onto somebody when they've got an extra set of appendages they don't feel like putting away. They're a good handhold, though, and Joshua hums satisfaction as he gets a good grip on them.

"I can't get my dick in and pet you at the same time," he warns, but that's one of the good things about fucking a psychic: he feels himself move on autopilot as his dick's lined up with Joshua's asshole, and they both sigh as he enters him, just easing the head in as Joshua's ass engulfs him beautifully.

Or Neku sighs, anyway. Joshua makes some ridiculous groan that sounds like it came out of an American porno and Neku kind of wonders if he's okay. Well, is Joshua ever okay? (Probably not.)

"That's not sexy," he informs him, but Joshua waves him off.

"Oh, be quiet. Sanae yowls like a strangled cat anytime anyone fucks _him;_ you should be grateful I only moan."

That's not sexy _either,_ and he wants that image out of his head yesterday. Some things are not worth mentioning, Joshua! He doesn't want to know **anything** about what Mr H is like in bed, and Joshua raises one hand like a paw and meows exaggeratedly. Nevermind, sex over, not even that strange pressure can keep Neku hard after that, and he slips back out as Joshua whines in disappointment. "I thought you were going to fuck me," he says, sulky as Neku gets off of him, and Neku groans unhappily as they flop onto the bed.

"That guy might be your friend and all, but there are things I don't want to know, dude. He ain't sexy and I don't know if you noticed, but I am _not_ a furry, either. I never wanted CAT's name to be literal."

"It's not entirely, anyway," Joshua says absently, and Neku covers his ears. "It can be, I suppose, but Sanae stays resolutely humanesque even when he takes -- influences -- from his Noise. Too uncomfortable, he says; he fucks himself too often to enjoy barbs."

"See, this is what I mean," Neku snaps. "You _could_ be sexy and then I make the mistake of getting into it and you start talking! Why are you always talking? And about shit like this, too --" and then it's hard to continue, Joshua nuzzling his chest and neck like Neku's rant is **comforting** or something horrifying like that, and Neku sighs. He can stay mad at him if he tries, but it's not always worth it, and Joshua's just -- Joshua. Stubborn and thickheaded and completely willing to cut off his nose to spite his face, and Neku glowers at him.

"We can try again," he suggests, looking at his nails, and Neku sticks his arm over Joshua's face. "You have both a teenager's libido and a reaper's constitution, Neku," he says, nosing at Neku's elbow, and he jerks it away before the guy can lick it. "All you really need is to want to continue, and I can have you ready again in minutes."

"Is that what you do with Hanekoma?" he says sourly, and Joshua's quiet. "I know you had a life before me and all, but you don't need to tell me about it."

Another nuzzle, and Joshua reaches up to touch Neku's face, his fingers as smooth as polished marble, and it's strange, not really human at all. "I love you," he says simply, but Neku holds firm: no, this isn't okay, and he's still mad. "I forget sometimes, that you don't see things as I do, that you don't hear yourself in me, and that Sanae is ... Sanae. He's important to me, Neku, but you're even moreso, and -- ah, this is crass: sex with him wasn't very good even when I didn't have other options."

Weirdly, that helps. He's still mad, but: "Too self-absorbed?" he guesses, and Joshua scrunches up his face.

"That's only the start of it," he gripes. "It's one thing to not have much interest, but the man _prides_ himself on being bad, and he always ran off afterwards! No matter how many times I insist he at _least_ stay to help me with my duties, he'd find some excuse to return to his useless café, Neku, that he **_doesn't even run,_** because _apparently_ he thought I should try having a personal connection with Megumi, who would have had a second heart attack if he ever learned my physical age!"

And Neku's snickering by the end of that, Joshua's pain too funny to resist, but at least Joshua thinks it's funny, too. "That bad, huh?"

 ** __"Worse."_** Neku can't even imagine. "At least that's over with."

Wait, but he thought Joshua _wanted_ to resume his thing with Hanekoma? Neku's not going to complain if he doesn't, but Joshua arches an eyebrow at him, like he's silly if he thinks being relieved he has other options and wanting a thing with his friends are at all contradictory. "Josh, you're going to have to talk to me if you want me to be less confused," he says, and Joshua pushes his lip out in a pout, as childishly stubborn as ever.

"I never said I wanted to do anything with him with _genitals,_ " he grumbles, but that's ... what sex is? Josh misses having sex with Hanekoma, doesn't he? "Very little of what we do would resemble sex to you, Neku."

Okay, now he's more confused. "So if I walked in on you two doing your thing, what would I be seeing?" He doesn't really want to know, but avoiding it won't help him any, either.

And Joshua flushes as he reaches up to touch Neku's face some more, his index finger stopping on the exact center of his forehead and Neku stops breathing for a moment with remembered terror, even if his memories are hazy. "Mostly, I shoot him," Joshua purrs, and Neku is never going to understand how he -- "I am his composer and he obeys me in all things. He bleeds if I will it, he dies if I will it, and he might even _kill_ if I will it. -- That's the game, anyway, though there's truth in it now; he **should** be an independent entity, but with his treachery ...." He sighs. "We'll need to do some rule adjustments, I suppose."

That's terrible, and Neku still can't shake off the cold sweat, the distance like it was happening to someone else the first time Joshua shot him. "Do you ... do you want to do that to _me?_ " he asks weakly, and he really doesn't know what he'll do if the answer is yes.

But it isn't, Joshua aghast enough his wings spread out, though they'd faded out of Neku's notice. "No!" he yelps, and Neku forces himself to breathe. "Neku, no -- it's fun because Sanae, as my producer, outranks me; he has every right to turn me down if he so desires and he enjoys it, too. If you wished to play the ambitious conductor, out to make me suffer as I've done to you, _that_ would be of interest to me, but I don't care for violence without the irreverence."

"Mr H outranks you," he repeats, and Joshua nods. "So you beat him up." Another nod. "And _you_ outrank _me,_ so you'd like me to beat you up."

"Actually, I prefer when it's a mutual fight, but yes, you have the gist of it. Sanae could easily overpower me, but he enjoys letting me win, while _I_ could overpower _you,_ and I'd prefer to lose."

"Huh." That actually makes some form of sense, even if it's a fucked up dead person kind of sense. Augh, he's starting to get used to dead people logic; someone, please save him.

Joshua's mouth quirks and he leans back, dick at attention as he wiggles his fingers to call him over. "Mine can't go soft," he leers, as Neku squints at him because he _really_ didn't need this today. It's Joshua's fault anyway, but screw it: he's probably going to ruin the sex again no matter what Neku does, and Neku climbs onto him and slides down, swallowing as Joshua's dick brushes against his balls and the cleft of his ass.

"You are _astoundingly_ good at ruining this," Neku tells him as he grips the base of Joshua's wings, and the composer squeaks as Neku looks down at him. "You owe me, so pay up."

"Yes, Neku," he says back, more than a bit of nervousness in his voice, but Neku feels the pleasure pooling behind it and squeezes the fake muscle as Joshua shudders and rewrites his dick to be slippery, maybe even gooey. Whatever the texture, it feels deeply weird against his ass, and he imprints on Joshua a command to stick it in. He doesn't, of course, instead getting a firm hold on Neku's buttocks as he aligns his cock with Neku's ass, and Neku squeezes his wings again in warning: be **warm,** not cold.

Joshua obeys, though he overshoots body temperature just a bit, his dick warm like a good bath as Neku has him ease in and Neku sighs, the strange pressure leaving him pressing down on the composer's wings and his power sears in, both of them lost in the sense of the other just from that. Feedback loop, he realizes; Joshua imprinting on him and he on Joshua and this was _such_ a good idea, even as he notices Joshua barely feels anything from his actual dick.

He doesn't need to, though, and Neku pulls him close, letting him suck on Neku's shoulder and nibble at his neck, and he could almost forget he needs to grind down, Joshua's sense of _Neku_ even more overwhelming than the cock in his ass, and his vision statics out for a moment.

It's irrelevant. Seeing is worthless with Joshua lending him clairvoyance like it's natural to them both, and Neku likes it, likes having Joshua fill him mentally even more than physically, his spatial awareness perfecting even as his body feels like it should be unimportant. It _is_ unimportant, and Neku knows Shibuya knows Joshua knows -- "Go slow," Joshua warns, but Neku can't stop from squeezing his wings again and his mind stutters blank, Joshua overwhelming even with Neku setting the pace.

It isn't even sensation, Joshua's dick more like a dildo than anything else, but still: he can't think for a moment, and the echoes of Shibuya tell him it was longer than that. Nothing hurts, though, and slowly he's aware again of Joshua under him, the verisimilitude of his physical form fading as Neku eases him in. He feels real -- he feels realer than real, like he's been waiting to fuck Joshua for a long, long time -- but there's no _texture_ to him, Neku pulling him in only to find pressure and heat, and he reaches for Joshua's hips to pull him closer and --

He blanks out again, and when he's aware, Joshua's sitting next to him and they're both under a blanket. "I killed you again," he says conversationally, and _what?_ Neku's more confused than anything else, Joshua's nonchalance oddly reassuring, and he doesn't even feel that weird. A bit sick and sweaty, but that's all. "Third time's the charm, I suppose."

"I died?" he says, and Joshua shrugs. "I died. During sex, _again._ "

A vague nod, and Joshua ruffles Neku's hair. This is absurd. "Purely accidentally, so there's little chance of lasting damage," he says, but they're talking about Neku **dying,** here. "I would know, Neku -- you're completely fine."

"I just _died,_ " he snaps, and Joshua shrugs again. "That's not fine, Josh!"

"Only a little," and he squishes his fingers together to demonstrate. _"Le petit mort,_ as the French would call it. I shoved you out of your body by accident, Neku, but your wings caught your soul and kept you from decaying, just as they should, and we can keep going if you wish."

Neku doesn't _speak_ French, unlike some assholes, but he'll take that with as much salt as he needs for everything else Joshua says, and he can't believe this guy's taking his accidental death during sex in stride. Or no, he **can** believe it: he just doesn't want to. "I think I preferred you freaking out like you did last time," he states, and Joshua turns away in irritation.

"I was worried then because that was dangerous," he snaps. "My full power directed at a living being isn't comparable to pushing one of my own reapers into stasis because I'm overwhelmed. Go slow and we'll see where we went wrong."

Where _they_ went wrong? No, it's Joshua's fault -- and Neku stops himself and takes a deep breath and counts to 5. "You're really sure you can't hurt me like that?"

"It's extremely unlikely," he confirms, and he leans onto Neku, his weight comforting even if he's not as warm as a living person. "I like you, Neku, and Shibuya likes you; if you tried to hurt me right then, I might defend myself, but intent is everything within the UG and your wings mark you as **_mine._** If a fly was on your nose, you'd slap it, not stab it."

"And I'm the fly," he finishes, and he pushes Joshua away. Ugh, he thought they were actually getting somewhere, that Joshua respects him -- but Joshua takes his hand onto his face, and Joshua's cheekbones are hard under his palm.

"The fly is my own physicality," he murmurs, kissing Neku's hand, and a shiver runs up Neku's spine as he takes his hand back. "You have some of my power, Neku: hurting you hurts me in the literal as well as the figurative. No matter how unused I am to taking physical form, I **can't** hurt you by accident, not in any lasting way, so long as you don't intentionally try to see how far I can be pushed."

But he ... he takes physical form all the time, doesn't he? This hasn't been an issue before. "The wings," Neku realizes, and Joshua inclines his head.

"Only way I'd feel anything from it," he says easily, and _what?_ "I don't know what kind of life you thought I led, but I didn't exactly get laid while alive, Neku! How am I supposed to know how to react without copying off your expectations?"

Neku can't help it: he bursts out laughing. Of course he didn't; the guy was _fifteen_ and Neku doesn't know how he forgets. Just because _Neku's_ grown up some doesn't mean Joshua -- and he sobers. Neku's dead, too, now, because they both thought it was a good idea -- but no, it's different. Neku's going to keep living in the RG no matter what happens. Joshua even wants it for him; it's not some lurking argument neither of them want to touch.

And he feels Joshua's attention still on him, but no, he's fine. He _is_ fine, healthy and happy enough and being dead's not much of a barrier. He's okay. "You always seemed to like butt stuff," he says instead, and Joshua smirks.

"It's a lovely show," he agrees. "I don't have memories of what it _should_ feel like, however, not from my own experiences, and my own memories of masturbation lost their power a long time ago. I know how it feels to other people, Neku, but I need someone else to take pleasure in it for me to care. And Sanae's the only other person I've done that with, I'm afraid: I'm spoiled for it wingless."

Ugh, Neku hates knowing he's not the one who got there first, no matter how much Joshua prefers knowing it's him there in his bed. _And_ that they're having a rough time with the sex because _Hanekoma_ got him used to -- got him used to getting what actually does it for him, Neku realizes, and he feels all over again like he's a shitty boyfriend. He knows Joshua doesn't think so, but what's his frame of reference? It's not like he's been in a _good_ relationship before, and apparently Neku was thinking too much because Joshua tackles him, his wings right back in Neku's face as the wind's knocked out of him.

"Neku, I feel it when you feel good," he says patiently, and Neku flushes. "I also feel that you _want_ it to be good for me, so I don't particularly care that the act is boring. Assume that no power on earth can make me do something I don't want to and that I wouldn't fuck you if I didn't get something from it, and you'd be right."

He knows that, but --! "Josh, it's _frustrating!_ " he yells, and he just gets a freaking indulgent hum in response, like it's Neku's fault he's weird. "I like feeling like I'm actually _desireable,_ and that you could take or leave it is --"

Joshua cuts him off, that imperious tone impossible to ignore: "You'd never leave my bed if it were entirely up to me and my desires," he snaps, and Neku falls silent. "No, I don't particularly desire sex, but Neku: I'm _not human._ Plenty of people care more for intimacy than anything else, and I personally enjoy _your_ reactions to the act, so please, Neku, **accept that I know what I'm doing.** "

Ugh, that isn't how he -- ....

"I don't find it distasteful," he adds, but Neku doesn't see how he -- damning with faint praise is _not_ a compliment, and Neku has needs, too! "I don't mind if you find someone who feels similarly to how you do, either, so long as you're in Shibuya; I live on a different timescale than you and it's difficult to see the living as enough of a threat to even _be_ jealous. I don't mind, Neku; I just ...."

He just wants Neku to be happy, he knows, and he runs his fingers through Joshua's hair as he thinks. It's hard not to feel selfish knowing Joshua isn't as into it as Neku is, but ... then Neku's _still_ being selfish. Joshua is more than capable of saying when he's unhappy, after all, and Neku should trust him to do so, shouldn't he? But Neku can't ... Neku's already learned by now that Joshua can't be trusted with his own self-preservation, and it's hard to believe him when he says that. It's not that Neku doesn't trust him, but there are limits and Neku doesn't know if Joshua knows where his own are.

And it's worse knowing the guy's right there, listening and probably waiting for Neku to get over himself already. Neku doesn't want to be used, but he doesn't want to be a _user,_ either, and Joshua -- Joshua makes it hard to tell where the boundaries lie.

"How's the Game going?" Neku asks, because he shouldn't _let himself forget_ about that shit, but Joshua makes it so easy and Neku lets him, fuck, hell, how does he let himself get caught up in this when other people's lives are on the line?

"One pair left," Joshua replies, carefully neutral, and Neku knows bone-deep that Joshua doesn't want the fight. And honestly, Neku doesn't want it, either: the whole fucking system's broken and if Neku badgers him into intervening, he'll just be saving two people at the expense of some people who'd deserve it more. They all deserve a chance, but ... but they're fucking it up, and there's no good answer. There should be, but there isn't.

Got to fix it _before_ they die, he tells himself, and Joshua slowly releases tension as he realizes Neku really isn't going to argue with him about it. The Game's cruel, and Joshua and the reapers don't care about the Players as much as they ought to, but they're not the cause of it all and Neku knows it.

"Wake me when today's Game's over," he says finally, and Joshua hums acknowledgement, snuggling up to Neku as Neku yawns. He doesn't have the energy to deal with any of this shit right now, and he feels Joshua slip back into his mind to offer him a question.

Yeah, okay, he decides, and lets Joshua ease him off into sleep.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Neku wakes up to a comfortable weight on his lap, and his legs aren't numb at all. They **should** be, he thinks, the composer keeping him from moving, but he's just fine and he brushes the hair away from Joshua's eyes, smiling gently. He looks almost normal like this, but he's eerily still, not breathing, not moving, not responding as Neku pets his head and tweaks his nose.

Nope, still nothing. He might as well be dead, and Neku snickers. "Hey, Josh," he says softly, sleep-hazy, and maybe -- `Josh, wake up!`

The composer statics away immediately, up to a frequency he can barely hear, but Neku can feel their pact and he hasn't gone far. He's just startled, Neku thinks, and he's sent a few images as he tries to respond in kind.

"You're supposed to let sleeping dogs lie," Joshua grumbles as he fades back in next to him, and Neku shoves him.

"You weren't a dog, and you weren't sleeping," Neku says, and he gets a huff for his troubles.

"Bad influence," he mutters, and who's he mean? They're both terrible, and Joshua gets right up close to be a worse one, his presence a warm vibration at Neku's side. "Our Players haven't lost yet," he says, nuzzling into Neku's shoulder, and fuck, fuck, fuck -- Neku shouldn't be able to sleep while other people are fighting for their lives, but he feels Joshua wiggling into his head and yes, please, take it -- take the bile rising from his stomach with his self-loathing and --

He's safe, and they're as safe as they can be. He's okay, and he runs his fingers through Joshua's hair as the guy keeps nuzzling him, and Neku wants to run or fight or anything; he wants to fix this, but he can't. There's hundreds of other pairs he's ignored just because it's hard, and he's known the whole time this is what Joshua **does.** "How'd they do?"

"I've seen worse," Joshua says, sitting up, but that doesn't inspire confidence and neither does his expression, all scrunched up like he's tasted something foul. And Neku should protect them, should be their advocate somehow, but he doesn't know anything and they're not the first and they're not the last, either.

And they're not the one he still wonders about sometimes, the one he wonders if Joshua already knows about, or if he wasn't even important enough to stick in the composer's memory. They're _all_ important, but there's so many, and -- it's on file. Whatever happened to his old friend, it's on file somewhere, just like everyone else.

He shouldn't like this, snuggling up with the composer when lives are on the line, but he draws comfort from it anyway, trying to find the energy to make a moral stand. "I think I'm gonna go home," he says finally, and Joshua lets him up. "Thanks for hanging out with me today, but I have stuff I need to do."

"That's fine," Joshua says back mildly, and Neku kind of hates that he knows Joshua means it. "Remember the lounge will be crowded tomorrow; I won't take offense if you don't stop by."

"Yeah ...." He probably will anyway, but he's not looking forward to running into a lot of reapers celebrating killing people. Even if that's not their real reason for the party, he's still -- he's still too close, and he's got more distance than the reapers ever got.

Ugh, he's got _way_ more distance than the reapers get, doesn't he, and he tries to remember what Joshua's said before. "How does reaper recruitment work, usually?" he asks, and Joshua straightens, looks up at him with a small smile. Proud of him for being curious about his life, and Neku hates that he likes it, hates welcoming that quiet regard.

"Shibuya usually takes teenagers and young adults," he starts, which Neku could've guessed, but he nods along anyway. "Anyone older around here tends to have too many responsibilities in the RG; I won't accept salarymen."

And neither would Neku. Ugh, he's glad he doesn't have to order around people who _look_ older than him, too. "Go on."

"For the ones we pick, their first assignment is harrying," he says, and Neku bristles, no matter that he knew it was coming. "We can't afford many employees, and if any of them are going to have a moral crisis over erasures, I force them to have it as fast as possible, while the wounds are still fresh. I don't want them compartmentalizing, Neku, that the wall reapers are any better than the harriers: we **all** have blood on our hands, and it's kill or be killed. Put up or get out."

And the only way to get out is be erased yourself. Unless you're Neku, and he's so, so tired. "There should be a better way," he says, but he doesn't know of one and Joshua quirks his lips. "I know you don't have many options, but this _sucks,_ Josh, and I wish ...."

He wishes a lot of things. Doesn't mean they're gonna happen. "Things are different here," Joshua says finally, and Neku knows that, but .... "You can't fix everything. Focus on what you can do, hm? You're a good person, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty."

"I know," he says, even if he doesn't, and Joshua gives him a little bow before vanishing off to do whatever he does when he isn't talking to Neku. Paperwork, mostly, or stuff equally as exciting, and Neku stretches, not really ready to head back home no matter that he should. It's not that late, but talking to Joshua can be exhausting, and he needs -- he needs time to process. All of it.

Nobody's in the lounge when he gets back there, and it surprises him a little how much he takes the changing layout of this place in stride. As normal as everything else in his life these days, he supposes, and he forces himself to tune to a higher frequency before stepping out the door. Freaking sewer, but he stops right before he can no longer breathe and basks in the sound of the current, the Shibuya River still carrying energy long after the river itself is gone. He barely even recognizes some of the frog Noise following along it, the varieties too many to count, but he takes a perverse pleasure in splatting a few sharks as he heads back towards the surface and tunes back down near the bus station, the thoughts of strangers screeching in his head past where he can bear.

Shibuya, just as it always is, so many people all with their own lives, and even if scanning them passively is too loud sometimes, he can't feel alone knowing there are so many _people_ around him, even if he's never going to talk to most of them. It's comforting in its own way, and he tries uptuning again just a little, trying to find the sweet spot right below _too much,_ and somebody's watching him. Just a little kid, but his wings are out and he knows he's got enough _don't notice me_ up to keep people leaving a gap for him even if they don't know why, but the kid's enthralled and he waves uncertainly.

The kid flushes and looks away, like it's a shock the dead person looked back, and Neku shrugs and keeps going. He'd known Joshua saw dead people while he was alive, but it's weird to think some people see him going around when he's probably invisible.

At least they're not freaking out about weebers.

* * *

He senses Beat and Rhyme before he even gets to the right floor, their souls bright and tempered unlike most of the other people in his building, and maybe he doesn't have to worry too much about Noise: most of the weak spots those things latch onto just aren't **there** in his friends, the cracks filled in with Shibuya's caulk, and he wonders if he sounds a bit like that, too.

The Game changes people, after all, and whatever Joshua's done to him -- fuck, he's not sure he even wants to know. The Noise would probably need a metaphysical jackhammer to even get _started_ with him; it's not like he's seen any infestations even when he was in seriously bad shape.

"I'm home," he calls as he opens the door and takes off his shoes, stepping up into the apartment itself, and he carefully doesn't listen for whatever the siblings were talking about, Shibuya excising that bit from his awareness. Shibuya -- or maybe _Joshua_ \-- pushes him back down, too, and Neku realizes he might've had his wings out all the way up. Oops.

Nobody else noticed, though, and Rhyme's got her books out, working on school stuff as she chats with her brother, and he basks in the echoes of their trust for each other. Even if him living with Beat's kind of awkward, he's glad they moved in together: Rhyme **really** needs somewhere she can study without being nagged at all the time. "Hey, Neku," she says, and something pained flashes across Beat's face. "I can pack up if you need some space back."

"No, don't worry about it," he says. "I need to rinse off, anyway: you don't want to know some of the junk I stepped in coming back from Josh's place."

She winces sympathetically, and even if he doesn't think he was solid enough to pick goo up, he really needs a shower, so he ducks into his room and grabs his stuff before heading to the bathroom.

God, it's awkward knowing she's out there with her brother, though, and what's worse is his psi can still pick up their conversation, though he tunes it out as best he can. Something else to talk to Josh about: make sure they've got privacy both ways from the shower, even if Beat should be fine so long as Neku's in his room.

Ugh, all this shit is way more complicated than he wants to deal with. They'll get it worked out, but damn, what a pain in the meantime.

Beat jerks to look at him as he gets out of the bathroom, and Neku waves sheepishly. It's fine, dude: Neku is _not_ gonna walk around in a robe or some shit while Rhyme's around. Some things you just don't do, and checking to see if your ex's sister's looking is one of them.

"Hey," Neku says as he sits down next to them, and Rhyme's brows go up as she sees his hair, tidily brushed but not spiked, and he quashes that moment of self-consciousness of being less than fully dressed, even if he's totally decent. "I got some things I kinda want to ask you two about, but it's serious shit and I don't want to ruin your evening."

Beat and Rhyme share a look, and yeah, they're all on the same page. "Family shit or reaper shit?" Beat asks, brusque, and Neku wishes he could help Rhyme steel herself up for this properly.

"Reaper shit," he says flatly, and he waits a moment before uptuning just enough to show his wings, officer-huge and the stuff of nightmares, even with him being a friend, and he lets them dissipate the moment recognition flashes. Too late, though: Beat scrambles away with a yelp as he puts himself between Neku and Rhyme, and Neku'd almost be insulted if he didn't know he's acting on autopilot.

Not Rhyme, though, and her stare's level and cold as Neku remembers being a _pin_ couldn't stop her from protecting them all from Konishi, and he feels Joshua's presence behind his shoulder, feather light. ` She'd make a good composer,` he muses, and Neku's lips curl downward for a second. Some things aren't even worth _**considering,**_ and Rhyme deserves every bit of health and vitality she can get. ` Only an observation; I've never had any intention of giving her the chance or a reason.` And Neku's going to keep it that way, so fuck off, Josh: this isn't the time for the peanut gallery.

"Neku, I really hope you know what you're doing," she says, and he does, too. She furrows her brow as she forces her face calm, reaching for her brother's shoulder. "Relax, Beat. It's just Neku."

"W-w-why you got wings, bro?" he finally manages, and Neku holds his palms out, trying to be placating. "Shit, man, you ain't supposed to -- I know you was getting into deep shit with some of the reapers around here, but I thought you knew better than that, man! _You ain't supposed to be fucking dead!_ "

"What the hell do you know about how I'm supposed to be?! Maybe I _wanted_ it, did you think of that?!"

Quiet for a moment, then Beat slugs him right in the face, maybe not that hard for a human but the intent reverberates through it and it _stings,_ Beat's anger and disappointment rousing Neku's own fury, and part of him wants to reawaken Beat's old wings and take this up to the Noise plane. "You cannot fucking mean that, Phones," Beat says, deceptively calm, and his eyes flicker to make sure Rhyme's safely out of the way if this becomes a brawl.

Like Neku'd ever let her be in danger, and he bares his teeth. "You really have no idea," he says, adjusting his weight as he prepares to pounce, but his wings go heavy and he overbalances, barely catching himself from planting into the floor.

 **"Neku, stop,"** Joshua snaps, his voice piercing enough Neku can't imagine doing otherwise, and he stays kneeling as Joshua walks in to the room. He's the only one affected, he notices after a moment: Beat and Rhyme are completely fine, and he feels extremely stupid as they brush themselves off and he's just sitting there, totally helpless in the face of the composer's wrath.

His wings slide away on their own, and then Joshua's helping him up only to smack him upside the face. "You know better," he growls, as Neku wants to hit him back for his audacity, but he's got control of his body back and he moves away from them all as Joshua bows low to Neku's friends. "My apologies."

"Uh," Beat says, and that's about what Neku thinks, too, slumping against the wall as Beat inclines his head and Joshua straightens. "No harm done?"

"Not beyond our dignities," Joshua agrees, glancing at Neku, and Neku's face heats. _Asshole,_ he thinks, but if he didn't -- if it wasn't for him -- Neku's head hurts. They'll talk about this later. "Neku shouldn't be able to do anything I can't fix, but I'll understand if you'd rather I find him other accommodations."

What, like he doesn't get a choice? _**"No,"**_ Beat says firmly, and Neku loves him; he loves him so much and he doesn't understand why he got angry. "No, Phones and I're fine. Thanks for -- you know, but we got this."

"Very well," Joshua says, and he vanishes. ("Creep," Neku could swear Beat mutters, but he's just gonna ignore that because he does _not_ wanna know what he'd've done if Joshua hadn't gotten involved.)

Once he's gone, Neku's wings make themselves known to him again, but they're staying invisible as he gets himself balanced and Beat helps him up. "Sorry," Neku says wetly, painfully aware of Rhyme's wary gaze, and he can't fool himself that any of this is undeserved. He nearly fucked up _bad._

"I shouldn't have punched you, neither," Beat says back, holding him close longer than he needs to, and Neku nods, exhausted in more ways than one. "I just -- I ain't cool with that stuff, you know I ain't, and the idea of something happening to you is -- it makes me furious, but that ain't an excuse, not for hurting you and definitely not for that asshole giving you a scolding."

Nobody controls Joshua, but Neku can't blame the guy for showing up and trying to defuse the situation, either. Beat's arms are warm and he clings close, so glad for the contact and that they haven't totally fucked this up, and Neku loses track of who's feeling what. Tired, furious _relief,_ and Rhyme clears her throat.

"Would someone mind explaining to me who barged into your apartment?" she says, and Neku pulls out of Beat's embrace.

"That's Joshua," he says slowly, and he **really** doesn't want her to get too interested in him. "He's the composer of Shibuya -- so, the guy who resurrected us all -- and the boss of all the local reapers, and I'm kind of ... dating him. Kinda."

"He ain't evil or anything," Beat puts in, "but he thinks everything's his business and he's also just flat out _**wiggy**_ most of the time, like he knows everything and wants everyone else to catch up. Bad news, no offense."

"It's true," Neku says, and Rhyme might give him a funny look, but it really _is._ "Josh is a dickbag, but he's not somebody who's awful for the sake of it, and I don't want you two starting shit with him, okay? He's my problem, and even if I don't always know what to do about him, he's still my friend."

"You don't usually sound happy about being with him, though," Beat says, raising his hands when Neku glares. "I mean, I ain't gonna judge but he's always got you pissed off and on a hair trigger, Phones, and both of us might be fighting types but when that guy puts a bee in your bonnet, you're ready to fight anything that moves." There's something else he wants to say, too, but Neku's psi cuts off the moment he wonders, and he might not have meant to pry but it's still galling that Joshua sends him a _privacy, dear_ as Beat's mind goes out of his reach.

"He didn't put -- my bad mood's not about him, okay? Maybe sometimes it is, and I know today I went nastier than usual and I'm _sorry_ about that, but I don't -- I don't know what to do, okay? I'm trying, and I know Joshua's trying, but I don't know if he's trying _enough_ and --"

Beat and Rhyme exchange a look, and ugh, he wishes people wouldn't _worry_ about him. "You're going to have to say what's bugging you," she says, and he feels like an asshole even bringing this up with them.

"Josh wants me as his -- his replacement for Shades, basically, somebody to help him out with all the paperwork and talk to the reapers because he's too shy," he starts, and he knows calling Joshua shy's gonna confuse anyone who's met the guy, but he kind of **is** and it's less loaded than 'paranoid.' "I'm not gonna erase anybody. Chill, dude."

Beat's hands go up and he's cute when he's nervous, even if Neku wishes he'd relax. "Shades did some nasty shit, Phones, and knowing the priss kid liked him, too -- it don't sit right with me, you know that."

Yeah, he does, and he feels the same way sometimes. "I think Josh just let Shades do his own thing," he says, thinking about it. "A lot of the shit he did -- I don't know, I bring it up to Joshua and he tells me why he did it that way, and he hasn't ... stopped ... actually, thanks. I think I know what I got to do." If Neku has to kill Noise for a day straight next week to afford giving shitty people a second chance, so be it. He's still going to check their records and see how this shit's done, see how much it'd take to bring at least one of these assholes back to life.

But Beat's on a different thought: "If he's not shaping up when you tell him shit that bugs you," he starts carefully, and Neku jerks up.

"No, he does," he says. "Well, mostly -- some things are just _different_ and there ain't much compromising on his end for that, but for the conductor stuff .... He hasn't changed shit, but he says what he does and why. If I actually _looked shit up,_ maybe I'd have an answer for him."

Rhyme looks up, and he's so glad that he hasn't fucked up everything. "You can't decide when you don't know anything, but Neku? Please trust your gut. I don't know him, but I know you, and you know better than you think you do."

"Yeah," he says, and he gives a little bow. "Thanks, and sorry about being an ass; I got shit I need to do."

"No prob," Beat says back, and Neku ducks out, jumps over the vacuum cleaner in the closet, and closes his door, his awareness of other people shutting off.

This all is _way_ too much responsibility, but somebody's got to do it, and he's tempted to call Joshua in case he needs any of this shit explained. Nah, maybe later: that pair's got until sometime tomorrow for him to see if they can be rescued, and he snags a blank notebook he'd been saving and a pen before sitting at _the desk._ It's not even that intimidating of a work desk, but he's very, very sure the person who had it before decided a lot of fates from it, and he takes a deep breath before pulling the filing cabinet open.

It's just a cabinet, as normal as any other, with dividers labeled by year and folders by month and date within that, but he can keep pulling and it keeps pulling back, for as long as there'd been a Shibuya. What he needs now is at the front, though, and he takes out all the stuff for the past year. It's complete with all the stuff he worked on with Josh earlier, UG tech making keeping it all up to date a cinch, and each Game's folder's helpfully labeled with soul in and soul out and the minimum, projected, and actual tallies for all the reapers.

Def March hasn't been replaced yet, he notices, their income going down more than the reduced expenses help for, and he hasn't seen too many of these, but ... he thinks Shibuya's finances might not be in the best shape right now. The remaining Players aren't _good_ people, as far as Neku can tell, but they aren't bad, either, and Joshua was -- acting a little odd. More than a little, he had to admit, and there's a dip in their reserves around when Josh left Shibuya for a bit, no matter that he seemed mostly fine.

But he wasn't, was he. He stayed in hiding for most of a month and then killed Neku the first chance he got, no matter that it wasn't a good idea, and Neku ... well, it's clear they need new recruits, especially with Neku fucking around like he sometimes has been. If he spends a bunch of time clearing Noise, or frees up Joshua to do his job, they'll be in better shape. As it is ....

`R we broke?` he texts Joshua, and he hears a knock on his door as reply. "Come in!"

Joshua walks in, glancing around to see what Neku did with the place, though Josh did half the decorating. "Taking up bookkeeping?" he quips, and Neku scowls as he gestures for him to come over.

"I don't understand half of this shit," he says, and Joshua hums acknowledgement. "Did me and the Def March stuff fuck us up? We don't -- the numbers now and a while ago don't look good, and I -- I want us to bring back at least one of this batch if we can, but if you've been wanting them to fail because the budget's screwed ...." He doesn't know, but Joshua stiffens anyway, a bit nervous.

"I don't want them to fail," he says, and Neku believes him. "We're low on funds still, and resurrecting them both will be a trial, but Shibuya comes first, Neku. That their continued existence is deeply inconvenient doesn't mean ...."

"I didn't think you did," Neku reassures him, "but all that stuff recently ...."

A sigh, and Joshua waves his hand, sorting the files with his psi as he pulls aside specific bits to mark them with a blue pencil. "Every situation is different," he says simply, and Neku knew that, but .... "Neku, no one knew you died, not in any official capacity: you had no mourners and no funeral, and so reviving you was one lump sum. Def March, too, only needed their wings gone and a legal identity falsified: tedious, expensive, but _predictable,_ Neku, in a way Players never are. Do you know how many people are affected by each death? I don't; Shibuya's my only concern and **still** they often surprise me with how much work is involved."

He sounds bitter, and Neku makes a face: Joshua's doing a good thing when he brings people back, and he should be _proud_ of it, not resentful. "... Do you not like your job?" he asks finally, and Joshua gives him a blank look.

"I love my job," he says, but he's less than convincing about it and he hops up onto the desk to look down at Neku, pensive. "Neku, resurrections aren't part of being composer. I could do my job perfectly well erasing every Player I don't make a reaper, and many composers do just that: it's expensive and it's a privilege granted by Shibuya's size and prosperity that I have the option. If you tell me to bring one or both of this pair back, I will, but there's an opportunity cost. Don't decide lightly."

He wasn't going to, and he glowers up at him as Joshua gazes calmly back, and it's Neku who looks away first. Joshua didn't mean it harshly, though, and the guy pulls out the forecast for the next week before staticking away, leaving it to Neku to call him back if he wants him.

The composer can't predict accidental deaths, he notices, just natural causes and possible suicides, and these Players **are** only borderline worth it. If Neku calls it for them, they might not have enough next Game; Joshua really **can't** bring everyone back. But erasing them would be wrong. It's wrong, and Neku knows it's wrong, and even if Joshua doesn't care about the morality of it all, Neku does.

But who's he to tell the reapers to give up their free time to clear more Noise? When they already got plenty and they all got two jobs?

Their manager, that's who, and their boss's boyfriend, but that's worth jack and shit when he doesn't work near as hard as they do. His need to think he's a good person isn't their business. Because that's what good people do, isn't it: they help people, and he sees in some of the logs a lot of what Joshua has that energy spent on if he _isn't_ giving back lives.

It goes into artwork and mood alterations, into nudging events so they go wrong a little less badly than they could have. It goes into near-misses and bursts of inspiration and all the little things that keep society running, even with some people leaving it too soon. And he's fickle, not always noticing problems in time to do anything about them, but nobody's perfect and that means gods, too.

But Neku wants him to be, and he goes through the archives for something he knows he doesn't want to know, back past that thick folder for Joshua's fateful game with Kitaniji, and he doesn't know what he expected to find but he looks up his old friend and he cries, then. Useless tears for lost causes a long time ago, but all this shit's too raw and he pulls out his cellphone again with a flick of psi, starts typing and he doesn't need to see the screen for it to take his imprint.

`Bring them back, Josh. I don't care if the only reason they're getting a second chance is my own sentimentality, or if them getting through means some better people won't later. I can't stand by and screw somebody over just in case. If they win tomorrow, you bring them back, you hear?`

`Understood.`

And it's done. He heads back to his bed and buries his head in his pillows and hopes against hope it'll all be better in the morning, because he doesn't know what he's fucking going to do if it isn't.

* * *

He doesn't dream that night, and whether or not that's a good sign, he's relieved, a blankness as he sleeps preferable to the nightmares he often gets. More often outside of Shibuya, he knows, but that's Joshua's influence: he's lost count of how many times he's woken right as a bad dream starts only to fall back asleep with that calming imprint running through his mind, the composer none too keen on leaving his pet to suffer through the cruelties of his own mind.

But this isn't that: Neku's room warded enough he doubts Joshua could get in without him knowing about it, and that refreshing blankness isn't the kind that comes from missing a memory. No, he went to sleep and his body managed to recharge without dreaming, and as much as he knows that's weird Joshua shit, he can't bring himself to care.

Two hours left before either the GM erases the remaining pair, or Joshua's supposed to revive them. He groans and hates that he knows this shit, when it's not going to do him much good, but this batch is borderline and Joshua usually errs on erasure, so he's got to be doing -- something. He wonders for a moment if Joshua'd tell the GM to throw them something they can't handle, remembering that raven Noise he and Shiki barely beat the seventh day, but nah, that'd be stupid. He doesn't think he's the type, but more than that, Josh has got to know he'd check.

Ugh. Shouldn't Neku have a bit of faith by now that Joshua means it when he says he'll follow Neku's decision? But he doesn't -- he just doesn't, and it's as much incredulity at his position as -- he really doesn't trust Joshua, does he. Not far enough on small scales, even if Neku's got no idea if bringing them back really is the right thing. Neku just doesn't want to be the kind of person who can say that no, their lives aren't worth it, and his stomach flips when he remembers there were four a few days ago. It's just how it goes, he reminds himself, and he gets up to get himself some breakfast, even if he doesn't really want to eat.

Beat's up, too, though, and Neku can't help but feel like a heel for how he'd acted last night. "Hey, Beat," he says, and Beat startles a little, though Neku knows he knew he was there.

"Hey, Neku," he says back. "... You okay, bro? You don't look so good."

"Yeah .... Look, hey, sorry I was an asshole last night. I don't know what got into me, and ...."

"You're going through shit, yeah?" Beat says back, unbothered. "You ain't the first person to pick fights when you really shouldn't, and ain't nobody got hurt. You be more careful next time and make sure that guy's looking out for you so you don't pull no weird psychic shit, and we'll be good, yeah?"

Man, how is Beat so nice? Neku has the best friends, he swears, and he buries his face into his rice to keep the guy from seeing his expression. "You know, you can yell at me," he says. "I kinda deserve it, after some of this, and I ain't been -- I ain't been planning shit too great, either, even if it works out okay sometimes."

"It wouldn't do any good, though," Beat says quietly, and Neku jerks up. "I was fucking pissed for a bit there, and I'm still kinda mad whenever I think too much about it, but you know you fucked up and there's no point dragging you about it. Did ... did you talk to the guy?"

Beat is _so_ great, and Neku's hit with his feelings all over again, because he kind of messed it up between them, but he's -- they're dealing. It's not great, but they're dealing with it. "He says he's going to bring back this week's pair, if they make it through today," he says simply, and Beat relaxes, lets out a loud breath. "I don't know how much I believe him, though, 'cause even if I know he knows I'd notice if he didn't, he doesn't really want to, and -- sometimes I think he thinks I'm stupid for caring, you know? I know he _doesn't,_ and he's really trying to not make me think caring's bad when he wants me to see where he's coming from, but -- sorry, I know you don't want to hear about this shit."

"You got anyone else you can talk to about it?" he asks, and Neku doesn't know. "I can't deal with too much of this shit, Phones, and I know the guy ain't a total douchebag but I don't think he's worth it, but you ought to see about any of the reapers, see if they're willing to let you bounce this stuff off them. The long-term harriers didn't give too many shits about anybody else, far as I remember, but some of the wall reaper types might be sympathetic, and they ain't gonna keep feeling like erasing fucking **anyone** is evil even if maybe it ain't, exactly, but I don't want to hear anyone telling me how it's all fine and dandy and how the world works."

"Yeah ...." He's so glad he's not alone in still thinking about this like a human would, but he hears the echoes of Beat's stress and the guy really doesn't want to talk about it; Neku should let him not talk about it. "Thanks, Beat; I'll do that, and sorry I keep dragging you into this shit."

"'s okay," but it's not, really, and Neku heads back into his room to get his head on straight.

The Shibuya reapers are all busy right now, either with the Game or with their personal lives, but other neighborhoods have reapers, don't they? Hey, and there's the one who goes to his uni: she's not really a wall reaper type, but she's still an outsider, and Games are **different.** Joshua might think Shibuya does it the best of all possible ways, but that doesn't mean Neku shouldn't see how other people do it and try to make Shibuya better. That's part of his job, right?

It takes him a minute to remember what he put her in his phone as, but he texts her. `hey its neku. u got a minute to talk about game stuff? was talking 2 cmpsr & need 2nd opinion`

Good enough, and she calls him a few minutes later. "Hey, Shibuya," she says, and he leans back as he tries to hold his phone up no-handed. "I'm on wall duty right now, but I got a mo' if you keep it quick."

"Ueno has a Game today, too?" he asks, and he could kick himself. Of _course_ they do; Tokyo might not all run on the same schedule, but they still need two or three Games a month. "Wait, no, that's not my question: how did your old district handle Players who were sort of okay and sort of not, but made it through the week?"

"They got a few weeks of reaper duty just like everybody else," she says briskly, and _what?_ "I think the composer decided how long everybody has to work for, but _all_ our winners ended up reapers, Shibuya; there's just the ones who had to work for a bit to earn their life back and the ones aiming for a career. That help?"

"No, but thanks, anyway," he says honestly, and she snorts. "I think these people are too old to become reapers, from what the composer's said."

"We had older and it worked out fine," she says back defensively, and he wonders if he struck a nerve. "All of us going for the career track are young, sure, but there ain't nothing stopping old people from doing the job."

Huh. Maybe that _does_ help. "Thanks, Boonies," he says, and he's sure she'd thwap him for that. "Good luck with -- yeah."

"Yeah, I gotta get off the phone. See ya, brat!" And she hangs up, leaving him -- still uncertain, but maybe better able to handle it.

Why _are_ all the Shibuya reapers his age? He supposes it's more comfortable that way, seeing as none of them are all that much older than him, but -- maybe that's all there is to it, actually. Josh brings back the older people if he likes them, and if he doesn't, no sense working with them. Simple, straightforward, and totally void of concern for other human lives. He sighs: he's not being fair to Joshua in that, but he doesn't really want to be, either.

Fuck it: he knows he's been spending a lot of time over there, but he doesn't have anything he has to do for tomorrow and the lounge is always packed at the end of a Game. He grabs his stuff and heads out, and if he doesn't bother texting Joshua a warning, that's his own business.

* * *

It takes him a bit to get over there, the city as crowded as ever, and he can't quite bring himself to uptune to make walking easier. The last thing he wants right now is to risk freaking the Players out if they're still out and about, and he gives the wall reaper on guard at the bus terminal a friendly wave. It takes them a second, but they tip their hat back and try to look serious, and he uptunes pretty much because he can. Yeah, he's a reaper now; what about it, he thinks, putting a bit of swagger into it as he goes right through the barrier, his frequency way above the people it was meant to stop, and the wall reaper watches him but doesn't say anything.

Damn right, and he tries to keep that ego up as he goes through the sewers, uncomfortably aware that the Noise is all _way_ weaker than the native varieties and there's only one reason for that. Doesn't take long, though, and he thinks the Game might not even be over yet as he opens the door to the lounge and heads in.

"Damn, was hoping you'd be the GM," Kariya says, and Neku just shrugs as he takes off his shoes and glances around. No one he knows by face, but he thinks there must be about a third of the wall reapers here already. "Ain't often our wayward conductor makes an appearance."

"I'm hoping to change that," Neku says back, though it's really more _dreading._ He's got responsibilities, and one of them he's going to do right now. Maybe if he -- he scans near the foosball table and feels a hole in the UG, and if he just pokes it --

\-- Away he goes to right outside Joshua's throne room, and he gives the mural a dirty look as he passes by it. He opens the door with another twist of psi, and the throne room's empty. "Hey, Josh," he says loudly as he covers his eyes politely, and he's going to feel ridiculous if this doesn't work.

The composer's nothing if not predictable, though, and he's sprawled over his throne carelessly when Neku looks again, having taken that intentional lapse of attention for the invitation it was. "I doubt you need judgment," he says mildly, head propped up by his elbow, and Neku flips him off.

"That's for the Players, asshole," he says, and he strides over to hop up onto the side of the throne like he owns the place, because the less he thinks of it being _Joshua's,_ the better. The composer even lets him, and Neku grins as he pulls him close and gives him a noogie. Of course, Joshua has to ruin it by pressing into his knuckles like it's the best thing he's felt all day, but Neku expected that. "I thought you might want someone to talk to them for you, and I'm ...."

Dead and in Shibuya, he means to say, but Joshua takes it differently: "Your instructions weren't complicated, Neku. I hardly need your supervision to revive some of my own citizens."

Ugh, and he's resentful about it, too. Neku takes a deep breath and holds it, counting slowly, and he feels as Joshua recognizes his mistake, though Neku doubts the one Joshua sees is the one he really made. "I'm still not sure what I wanna do with them," he admits, and Joshua perks up. "If I thought it'd help, I might've asked you to throw them in the Game again, but that feels cruel, you know?"

A shake of the head. "Sometimes people need a second Game," he says, though Neku really fucking doubts that. "They have too many obligations to bring back from a month dead, however: there's no point."

So they're in agreement, though not for the same reasons. "Maybe one final test?" he says slowly, thinking it over, and he's glad Joshua's indulging him on this. "If we tell them only one can come back, then let them argue about it to see who they pick and why ...."

"... Then I can still revive them both if their reasoning is sufficient," he finishes.

"Or neither, if they suck," Neku says practically, and he -- he thinks he might be getting used to this. Slowly.

"Well, I've been holding them in stasis; ready for the application?"

Oh, fuck. No, he is not, and he's tempted to run screaming like he knows is the better idea. "Can you be there with me?" he blurts out, a bit desperate, and he knows Joshua's interested. "Not -- not physically, but if you're in my head --"

Whatever happens won't all be his fault, and the composer lights up, vanishing at the same time as Neku feels a heavy weight in his mind and power, a polite intrusion as Joshua reminds him that he's never alone here, and Joshua takes his metaphorical hand in his as he pulls the Players out of where they go and into the room of reckoning, imprinting him hard enough Neku might be able to do it himself in a pinch.

But that pinch won't happen, and his mouth goes dry as Joshua wets it for him and has him stand up, back straight and wings out with his outfit rewritten to seem **impressive,** serious, the person in charge. "Congratulations on winning the Shibuya Game," they both say, Joshua bringing the words but always Neku choosing to speak them. They have a partnership, after all, and --

He can't do it. He falters and falls silent, no matter that Joshua's flooding his brain with encouragement, and the Players take the opportunity to shout at him: _they've won, haven't they? They've survived this damn Game, and the winners get a chance at a new life, so **revive them, already,**_ and he hates them. He honestly, legitimately hates them in that moment, and Joshua freezes them again before tuning down onto his throne and patting the armrest. ` Come here,` he says, sliding back out of Neku's head, and Neku doesn't want to.

"I wasn't going to erase them," Neku states, and he's dead certain it's true. They pissed him off, but he wasn't going to lash out.

"I didn't think you were," Joshua says, and he pats next to him again. Neku acquiesces, hopping up where Joshua can touch the small of his back, and his wings itch with restrained power. Neku doesn't belong here, but so close to the seat of the UG he remembers a thousand other Games, a thousand other frustrated Player pairs scared of judgement, and he touches the composer's shoulder as Joshua gives him a push and he hops back down.

Joshua stays put, dwarfed by his throne, and a warm feeling sinks into his chest as he moves back to where he was. _Don't confuse the Players,_ he understands intimately, but he glances over at Joshua when the guy's considering letting them back into time.

"You were thinking of erasing them?" he asks, and for all his faults, Neku knows the guy's taking him seriously, no matter that he -- he puts the thought away, unwilling to examine it right now. It's not the time and the Players deserve better than them getting their relationship issues all over everything.

"I could go either way," Joshua admits. "Don't decide in anger, Neku, whatever you do, but given that you prefer that I keep less of a reserve in favor of more frequent resurrections, shall I revive one and erase the other?"

His hair prickles at the thought of Joshua doing that in truth, but they're adults, aren't they? They probably already have some important friendships, not like Neku did. "Don't do it as a compromise, but maybe."

"I'll speak to them, then," he says crisply, and Neku almost wants to object. Joshua knows what he's doing, though, and he moves next to Neku before unfreezing the pair. "Victors of the Shibuya Game!" he says, his voice filling the too-large room as he overlays it with an imprint: stay still and **silent,** foolish mortals, for you are in the presence of your betters. "As reward for surviving our trials, and penalty for your conduct to my associate, the composer has graciously given me the right to decide which of you deserves another chance at life, and which shall receive only erasure. Do you have anything to say for my consideration?"

Quite a bit, as anyone could have guessed, and Neku would've bristled if any of those insults were directed at him. They aren't, though, and he crosses his arms as he plays the determinedly unimpressed bad cop to Joshua's calm good one. "Nobody gives a shit if you think it's fair," he tells the Players, and Joshua looks only casually interested as Neku shuts down their bickering. "Say something useful before we get tired and erase you both."

Silence for a moment, but Neku knows they're thinking, and even if the composer's power hides their thoughts from _him,_ he hears Joshua hear them like they're shouting. It's still not that useful, but as they move into awareness of each other's lives and talk about who'll cover for them if they don't go back, **that's** what Joshua wanted to know. Not that people would adjust, but that the Players know it's not all about them, and they -- they even manage to come to an agreement, or something like it.

"Very well," Joshua says, and he tosses one into stasis as his power flickers and the **Player pin** consumes the other, a true attack not even necessary, and Neku shudders as they both raise their mental barriers, neither of them wanting the other's opinion. It's so easy for Joshua to erase the Players like that, and even knowing he'd never do so to Neku ....

He's wary, he knows he is, and Joshua glances at him before vanishing. Hey, he doesn't need to leave, but Neku twitches his wings and the composer's still here. Just up too high to see, or touch, and he stretches as he wonders if he could sit on the composer's throne, 'cause it's not like Joshua's using it right now.

He paces around it, waiting for Joshua to come back down, but on the second loop, there's both a doorway out and some pillows on the throne itself. It'll be a while, he understands, and he carefully touches the seat of power as static crackles up his arm, turning it into the simplicity of Noise until he jerks away.

And then he's muscle and bone and sinew and skin again, and he wiggles his hand to make sure his arm's okay. Yeah, he's fine, but he lifts his foot up to test and the same thing happens. He can't be human shaped if he's touching that thing, but he thanks Joshua out loud for letting him try and then takes the door out.

It turns out to lead to the napping spot in the hallway, and he sits on the bed and watches the jellyfish as he wonders how long it'll take. As long as it takes, he supposes, and he fidgets.

Josh just plans on having him sleep until Joshua's ready to deal with him, doesn't he. Well, fuck that, and he gets up to stretch. There's a TV in the lounge, and that's gotta be more entertaining.

Only one miscalculation: "Hey, look who kicked it!"

Fucking hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My new laptop may or may not have died. x_____x


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Having to set-up a new laptop two weeks in a row and getting a cold wrecked my backlog, and I like this sequence too much to have simply posted the decent draft I had instead of the revised version you're getting now. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> FTR Hanekoma exists.

He's the new guy, and he's their **boss,** so of course he ends up fighting them all. Nobody trusts people who can't do shit, and his reapers got the same standards as everybody else.

They take turns, 'cause it's that or Neku pulls his partner down to make it fair, and they know exactly who he means by that: the composer, capable of wrecking them all with a thought. Hell to the nope, and first it's him getting shaken down by Pinky in a hissy fit, her feathers ruffled by him jumping in line.

That ostrich'd be scary any other day, but Neku's in a mood and the screaming monkey made entirely of rage gets her skedaddling sooner rather than later, all fluffed up on the bar counter like she's gonna disembowel the first person who looks at her wrong.

Kariya, he notes, is trying not to laugh. Neku'd rag on them both, but then it's Pi Face pulling him up to the noise plane and fucking hell, Neku _hates_ that lion. It's not as bad this time, his taboo greys all gone for brown and blue without that feeling of wrongness, but it's still annoying, and Neku stays human-shaped so he can grab his water bubble psyches and get that cat yowling.

It's a test, after all, but a giant paw sends him flying and he shifts noise to give him what for. Neku can **absolutely** be a badass, but his attempt just cracks Minamimoto up as the guy tries to drop down and okay, fine. Mission accomplished.

"Kariya, go kick his ass," Pinky orders, like she didn't already try and fail. Lazybones.

"That was your job," Kariya says back, and she huffs. "Players wipe you out too bad?"

Of course not, she yells, and there's the ego Neku knows and -- knows. He listens to her yell at Lollipop as he glances at the couches and one of the wall reapers sheepishly gets up for him. This is the victory couch now, for victors only, and he's keeping it. He's keeping it forever.

His is the couch of victory, and his might be the _nap_ of victory, too, if Joshua doesn't show up anytime soon. And he feels a little guilty sulking about it, 'cause it's not like Joshua's just fucking around, but fuck it. Look at who he's stuck hanging around. Yeah, _exactly._

But then Coco's floating over his couch, in his airspace, and he cracks open an eye to glare at her. His couch. "You haven't fought me yet," she says mildly, and Neku cracks an eye open.

"You're support," he says, though truthfully he doesn't know **what** her job is. He's still not fighting any more reapers than he has to; he's the conductor and he can tell them to fuck off. Probably.

"Support fights," she says back, and he groans. "I'll let you off easy this time, though."

Great. Wonderful, even. He buries his head in the cushions and settles in for the long haul.

* * *

The assholes he's supposed to call staff all file out eventually, as they ought to do, and Neku's awake for more of it than he'd admit to. He's **tired,** you know; he just also doesn't sleep well with people around, and people who'd try to kill him especially. Excepting Joshua.

And Beat, he supposes. That happened too.

... and Shiki, though that wasn't her fault.

Correction: he doesn't sleep well around strangers, or people who might try to kill him again, but his wings know the lounge is **safe** no matter that he's died there, and he wouldn't put it past Joshua to slip into his head to help him doze off again.

Especially not when he wakes up to Joshua sitting on the other couch, perfectly refined with a safety orange phone in his hand. "Apologies for the delay," he says, and Neku flips him off groggily.

"'s your job," he says. "No apologising for doing the good bits."

"What if I don't think this is the 'good bit?'"

"No picking fights, either."

"What if I like --"

_"Josh."_

A hum, but the guy quiets, at least for the moment. Better'n nothing, Neku supposes, but then the guy fades out of existence over there and back in underneath Neku's shoulder, lifting him up just enough to be in Joshua's lap, and Neku grumbles. "You're cheating."

Another hum, and an imprint: he _is_ cheating, because he likes petting Neku's hair; he likes Neku lazy and muzzy next to him, and he likes Neku showing off that he's not just a pretty face to Joshua's reapers. Neku's reapers, if he wants them, but Neku most emphatically does not, and guy, head, _not asking_ \-- Neku shoves him out, his face heating as he snaps awake. Snaps up, too, unwilling to have Joshua pet him a moment longer, and the guy's hand dangles in midair before he lowers it, face blank.

"Ah," Joshua says, like he understands, and Neku knows damn well he doesn't. He doesn't want to enlighten him, though, so he merely glowers as Joshua settles in away from him, giving him space.

Maybe he does get it, Neku allows, but not the way Neku wants him to, and part of him wants to pick a fight, to pick one of Joshua's many slights against him to get furious over, but Josh won't fight _back._ Not the way he'd want him to, and Neku sighs as he opens his arms to let Joshua warp into his lap, the guy's thigh pressing somewhere uncomfortable but without any intent behind it. Just him and his sort of boyfriend, too close and not close enough as Joshua cautiously rests his face against Neku's neck and then into his hair.

"You killed someone today," Neku says out loud, and maybe they both know that already but he needs to say it. He can't just forget and he can't pretend it's got nothing to do with him, but Joshua only keeps his face in Neku's hair and Neku's got to pull away to see his expression.

He looks tired, and wistful, and kind of sad. Neku pulls him close again, and his wings twitch as Joshua hums into his neck. "You care more than I do," he says absently, and he's right. But he's also not unaffected, and Neku shivers when he remembers how easily Joshua froze them both, how simple it was to erase one.

He wouldn't do that to Neku. Neku nearly believes it. "Let's go somewhere," he blurts out, and Joshua kisses his ear.

"I've no objections," he says, his hand sneaking onto the nape of his neck, and Neku leans into the cool touch. Dammit. The composer's _petting_ him, and all he can bring himself to think is _yes, this is good._ "Neku."

Right, planning. "Shinjuku?" he tries, but that's a no the moment the second syllable's out. "Anything happening here today?"

"I don't like crowds," he states, and right, Neku knew that. "We could travel, but only to a Shibuya."

 _A_ Shibuya, not within, and Neku straightens: he means other worlds. "Yes," he says quickly, before it can get complicated, and he says it again when Joshua tries asking a question. Anywhere; Neku doesn't want to think, and he's antsy as they both get up and Joshua straightens their clothes and hair with a bit of psi.

"I need to ask Sanae --" Joshua starts, but Neku makes a face and he changes tack: "Do you want me to include you in our conversation?"

" _Yes,_ Josh," Neku says, and Joshua rolls his eyes. He does a complicated motion with his hands, though, and then Hanekoma's standing next to him, close enough for Neku to kick his shins.

Some space, dude, and Mr H gives him a withering look as he moves far enough away he's not looming over them like a disapproving parent. Which is really kind of gross, if Neku thinks about some stuff he needs to scrape out of his brain, but Joshua's all confidence and Mr H long-suffering and Neku is going to just forget that.

Except then Joshua's leaning on Neku like discretion's out of style, and Hanekoma's face screws up. Hahaha, take that, fucker, and Neku faux-casually takes Joshua's hand. "Josh," Mr H says, patient like a cat wiggling its back half, " _why_ is Phones dead?"

"Oh, I killed him," Joshua replies, totally casual, and Neku lets go to thwack him upside the head. "What? It's true."

"I'm delicate," Neku says back. "I have a _delicate constitution._ Use a euphemism or something, fuck."

"I liberated him from this mortal coil," he corrects, and then Hanekoma's bapping him with a newspaper, too. "I'm the composer; I'm allowed."

"You're gonna be allowed to get deep-sixed at this rate," Hanekoma says back. Joshua shrugs. "Josh, we talked -- Phones, please tell me you had nothing to do with this, and Josh's gonna get right on fixing it and --"

And sending them all into debt, and Neku doesn't know how that works in the afterlife but he bets it ain't pretty. "My idea," he says honestly, and Mr H whacks Joshua again. It seems a pretty casual way to react to _murder,_ but then it's not like you can punish a god too much, and Joshua's utterly unrepentent. He's probably just messing with Mr H, too, so it's up to Neku to bring up the main point: "Josh wanted to ask you about us going to other worlds."

A groan as Hanekoma rubs his head, and Joshua floats up enough to drape himself over Neku's shoulders. "We're taking a honeymoon," he jeers, and Neku elbows him. No. No, they are not. "Can I trust you to hold down the fort?"

"Yeah," he says, rubbing the back of his neck, "but Josh, you never even brought --"

"It can't be much harder than travelling alone," he snaps, and that seems to be the end of it. "Neku?"

Yes, he thinks, and everything sears white.

* * *

Neku can't feel his body, but Joshua seeps into his mind and washes away his nervousness, uptuning him to that strange awareness of the whole city. `You can back out,` Joshua reminds him, but he's been curious and even if he has class tomorrow, he wants something new, something he won't have to worry about. Joshua laughs silently and Neku'd smile if he knew where his mouth was, and the sheer visceral fear of powerlessness grabs him again.

`Shh, I have you,` he adds, and he might be right, but that's kind of the problem. He can't -- he can't do _anything_ right now, but Joshua pulls him into his own perceptions and it stops mattering, physicality irrelevant in the face of the composer's duties. Neku follows along as Joshua delegates out his responsibilities, his office taking on its own independence as he tells it to listen to Hanekoma, but Joshua has it all under control and Neku's attention wanders to his own body, at least how Joshua sees it.

Small and fragile, for all its strengths, but it's also lived-in to an extent Joshua's never managed, and as for the soul within .... _Lust_ doesn't begin to describe Joshua's feelings: he wants to own it and mark it and care for it and see how it grows, and Neku's own feelings on the matter are -- not immaterial, exactly, but inconceivable: Neku will be Shibuya's and Joshua won't bother considering a world otherwise.

Neku shouldn't have looked.

Joshua simply replies with curious disinterest, though, caring only that Neku's repulsed and not that Joshua's the target of said revulsion, and that -- helps a little. Shibuya's been in Joshua's head for a long while, and they're **all** ants to the city-spirit; it doesn't stop Joshua from thinking he's important. He's not human and Neku knows it, but he shouldn't -- he still shouldn't think of Neku as a thing, and that he does is --

It's not right, but the composer leaves his thoughts to himself and that's all Neku can expect for right now, the fight not worth having, and eventually Neku feels Joshua pull them up and back down _elsewhere,_ the city different in a way he can't identify. They drop down into the throne room, Joshua's wings out to guide the energy around them, and Joshua sets him down carefully, Neku's shoes loud as they hit the floor.

"We're here," he murmurs, still floating so Neku'd have to look up to see his face, and he speaks again, the words/imprint burning through Neku's wings as he forgets them as soon as they're said, leaving only a sense of _Joshua,_ and (almost as an afterthought) his conductor, less recognizable and documented but cherished all the same.

He rubs his head to shake it out, his wings curled tight around him, and he forces them to relax. He's not in danger and he's not _small,_ no matter that Joshua's stronger than him, and the composer drops down to the ground as his wings fold away. Neku can't bring himself to do the same, though, something about the throne room's silence grating on _the way things should be,_ and he clears his throat. "What was that?"

"I was introducing myself," he says, preoccupied, and he takes Neku's hand as he tries to hurry off, but Neku's not budging. Not without a full answer. "It was Angelic, so he would know precisely which foreign composer was visiting, and you're too human to have a proper name yet. Can we keep moving?"

"Why?" He lets Joshua drag him off through a door he conjures, but Neku wants to know if they're doing anything dangerous, thanks. If they are, though, Joshua's priorities are fucked to hell, because they make it to another hallway with a CAT mural and then Joshua's pulling him down for a kiss, thorough and demanding.

Bad timing, he thinks, but Joshua's in his head and it's _good_ timing, actually, as private as there is in another composer's domain, and he wants Neku like burning, like -- like Neku likes kissing and all but Joshua needs to get out of his head unless he wants them to work each other up until they're fucking right here, and then Neku would have to destroy him because they're not doing that near anything of Hanekoma's.

Joshua backs out and Neku's head clears, and from the looks of it, Joshua was getting a bit overwhelmed, too. "We only needed to get away from where it would be an official visit," he says with a laugh, and whatever, but he needs to tell Neku these things.

"We're getting away from this, too," Neku informs him, and then it's Joshua letting Neku drag him off.

The lounge looks the same, too, at least as far as he can tell, and he realizes his heart's not beating as he stops to let his vision adjust. These people are way too fond of ambient light, he thinks as he tries to tune himself down, but he can't pass the Noise plane and even that low's almost out of his reach. "I think I'm stuck," he says frankly, and Joshua inclines an eyebrow at him.

"The composer hasn't given us permission to go RG," he says back, like it's obvious, and Neku just stares at him as he goes over and takes up the bar, though it's not his kitchen, either. "Seeing duplicates of people they know can upset people, Neku; I doubt anyone living can see us in the key we're in."

And that measured calm, like it's a minor detail, _infuriates_ Neku sometimes and he sits down to watch him start up some tea, sure complaining wouldn't help. Maybe Joshua thought they'd only talk to dead people anyway, or maybe he figured asking for permission to downtune's easy enough even if he doesn't bother asking before heading over, but either way, Neku hates how little the guy thinks about the logistics where Neku's concerned.

Maybe it's not a big deal to Joshua, but it matters to Neku, and that he never keeps him informed with this stuff -- it pisses him off, it really does. He hasn't lied when Neku's asked him stuff and he's gotten better at giving full answers, but he still hides _so much_ from him and Neku just wants to be treated like an equal, okay? Is that so much to ask?

But no, Joshua doesn't say anything as Neku fumes silently, even though the guy's a fucking empath and there's no way he doesn't know Neku's annoyed even if he might not know why, and that gets on Neku's nerves, too. Either too invasive or not enough; that guy doesn't ever hit a happy medium and Neku wants to shake him. He's just so -- so _everything,_ and Neku doesn't think he even realizes how frustrating he is. Is he listening in right now? How would he even tell?

He buries his head in his arms as he grumbles frustration, and Joshua _finally_ glances back at him, a slight frown creasing his face. "Is something wrong?" he asks, and Neku shakes his head even though the answer's yes.

"This place is getting to me," he lies, and Joshua purses his lip. It's not a total lie, okay: this lounge and everything he's seen of this world feels wrong in a way he can't qualify, the energy so different from his own UG that his wings keep twitching, but sometimes he feels like Joshua thinks he's a pet and how do you even bring that up? Would Joshua even understand the question? He thinks human norms are for other people; Neku barely has any idea what's going through his head most days, but he still knows that. Fuck it: "I'm having a few second thoughts," he admits, and Joshua closes his eyes as he starts up the tea.

"The composer says he might be a few minutes," Joshua says. "I know you need to get home in time to sleep tonight, so I was thinking a quick stop to meet my double, then see if Stride has anything going on. What do you think, Neku?"

"I think this was a bad idea," he says honestly, and Joshua hums acknowledgement. "This is -- we're moving way too fast, Josh, and just cuz I trust you doesn't mean ...." He doesn't need Joshua to run his life, and Neku's -- Neku's pretty sure he's treated like a pet sometimes. Even if Joshua means well, it's not ....

"I'll revive you the moment you ask," Joshua replies, voice neutral, and the tea means they both have something to do with their hands. "In the meantime, you ought to enjoy our evening out, don't you think?"

Maybe, but -- Neku shouldn't be rated above everybody else, either. He lets it be, though, and it's not long before he feels the weight of a composer's presence, so much deeper and **strange** when compared to Joshua, and he jerks up to see the ramen guy, some ineffable twist to his kindly smile. "Good afternoon, kids," he says, as Joshua stands up and gestures for Neku to do likewise. "Didn't think I'd see you anytime soon, but welcome to Shibuya."

"Thank you for letting us visit, composer," Joshua says, bowing, and Neku follows along just a bit too slow. "This is my conductor, Neku Sakuraba."

The ramen guy's the composer? Joshua can't be serious, but he's still waiting, so Neku gears up for the social niceties. "Hey," he says awkwardly. "Nice place."

"I spend most of my time in Dogenzaka, I'm afraid," he says back, and it really **is** the ramen guy. "Some of the reapers chose most of the decor, and I seem to recall young Yoshiya --"

"-- Oh, did the other me donate the foosball table? I remember finding it before I died; it took me weeks to repair it though I suppose I could do it in an instant now --"

They fall right into talking shop and gossiping about people Neku barely knows as they lead him over to the couches, and though Joshua does direct the conversation towards some of his friends, it's mostly to establish that no, none of them died here, and Neku doesn't -- he doesn't _know_ any of these people. Maybe he'd like to, and they're enough like his friends that he can feign interest, but he's got way less in common with them than he feels like he should and he feels like an outsider without anyone having even done anything. He's just here with Joshua listening to him talk to the ramen guy and maybe talking a bit himself, but he feels -- decorative, like Joshua just wanted to show him off to his composer friend.

It's not true, or mostly not true, but he remembers how insignificant he seemed from Joshua's perspective and he sinks into his seat, suddenly wishing he was anywhere else. He's pretty sure Joshua picks up on it, since he scoots closer to buzz reassurance near-silently, but the contact doesn't help all that much. It's not nothing, but he doesn't even know how he feels about _Joshua,_ much less some other composer, and Joshua comments casually that they have a bit of a time concern. **Thank you,** he thinks fervently, but the ramen composer doesn't want them to leave without trying some ramen and Neku doesn't have it in him to decline.

Especially not with it being fucking delicious, and Neku has to elbow Joshua to get him to stop moaning. Not in front of strangers, asshole; it's gross. Joshua only tones it down, though, instead of stopping, and Neku can't take that guy _anywhere._

No matter how fast Neku slurps down his noodles, Joshua takes his time, and it's way too long before he finishes his bowl. "Thank you very much for your hospitality," he says. "Do you mind if we ...?"

"Do what you want; I trust you," he says back, and Joshua beams at him. "Junior's running the shop, but I ought to get back. It's nice seeing you two kids!"

And he's gone, as abruptly as the rest of the UG, leaving Joshua looking extremely proud of himself while Neku is ... not. "I didn't know you were friends with him," Neku says, and Joshua leans back, as comfortable as always.

"I'm not," he says easily, but they sure _looked_ like friends. "We aren't threats to each other and he knows as well as I do there's no point posturing, and we're both superficially similar to people we think well of. That's all, Neku, not anything you need be jealous over."

"I'm not jealous," he grumbles back, and Joshua chuckles at him, unconvinced. Well, screw him, then; that really isn't what Neku was bothered by, and if Joshua doesn't get it .... "Josh, what do you have planned that will be fun _for me?_ "

A pause. "I thought you might wish to meet my counterparts," he admits. "Mr Doi composes very differently than I do, and I assumed you might be interested in seeing that. You did hear about the mayor, yes?"

He did, but what does he care if Shades is alive here? An awkward silence, and Joshua soldiers on: "If I was wrong, I apologize, but I _did_ intend on introducing you to the Joshu -- _Yoshiya_ of this world, so if you would like ...?"

"Yoshiya, huh," he says, still undecided, and Joshua pushes his hair back, irritable.

"I've never liked it much," he says, and Neku wasn't suggesting he did. Wait, does that mean ...? "My family always called me by the English name they'd picked out; the economy being what it was, no one was sure where Japan would be in ten years, and best I get used to it, hm? Now it's irrelevant, of course, but Yoshiya's always sounded like someone else. No accounting for taste, eh?"

Neku's been calling him by a nickname this whole time. Weird, though he supposes he ought to have expected that: _Joshua_ is a weird name for a god of _Tokyo._ But then, Joshua's a weird guy, and his mouth quirks as he considers that maybe he's normal enough for a Japanese name. "Yoshiya," he tests, and Joshua makes a face.

"Must you? No one calls me that."

Very few people call Joshua much of anything, but it's not the time to point that out. "Do you have a family name, too?" He's gotta, but ....

"Were you even listening when I introduced myself?" he says rhetorically, and no, actually, he wasn't. Thrown into the Game again after he thought he'd won and with Shiki captive as his entry fee, Neku could not have cared less about the asshole he was stuck with.

Joshua stomps his foot at that, though, and pulls out a notepad and brush pen to write his name out, hiragana under the carelessly scrawled justice and pawlonias, and Neku sounds it out, rolls the syllables in his mouth just to make him squirm. "Yoshiya Kiryu," he says, and Joshua shivers, though maybe not in a bad way.

"You call the Bitou boy what he wants," Joshua says after a moment. "You can do the same for me."

Touché. "It's different," he informs him. "You don't ... you're too _you_ to be normal, Josh. It's funny anytime you are."

Joshua shakes his head, and Neku watches him get up, his psi grasping at Neku hard enough that Neku winces, though he's not in any real pain. Just extremely aware of Joshua's presence, and the -- _his_ \-- composer squeezes twice before backing off and projecting contentment. "I'm perfectly normal for what I am," he says primly, and Neku rolls his eyes. He really _isn't,_ but Neku stands up, too, and stretches as Joshua bumps into him. "I mean for you to have a good time," he whispers into Neku's ear, floating up enough to reach, and Neku forces a smile. "There's no point otherwise."

... right. "Let's see your friend," he says finally, and he feels Joshua slide his head against his neck as his power wraps around him and pulls them up, over, and down again, whatever's left of Neku's appetite abandoned back in the lounge as he feels a bit like he got punched in the gut.

He's still not breathing, though, and the moment passes as his vision clears to see Joshua pressing a doorbell, the hallway perfectly empty as his wings automatically start grabbing information. An apartment building around Harajuku, he thinks, and a pretty upscale one, too. Not ritzy, but a hell of a lot nicer than Neku's, and the door opens to reveal an **imposter,** at least as far as his psi's concerned, and he bristles and steps back automatically. Joshua sends him a silent _quiet, you,_ though, and he's able to think again: it's just somebody who looks a lot like Joshua.

But he isn't, his wings insist, and of course he's not: they came here to meet their weird doubles, didn't they? Logicking the defensiveness down doesn't quite work, though, and Joshua sends him another blast of _relax_ as the double looks them over with heartfelt dismay.

"Ah," he says. "You might as well come in; you'll confuse the neighbors." And then he turns and heads right back into his apartment, leaving them invisible and bemused.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late TT_TT I had to fight it a lot from the previous version to keep them from getting unsympathetic and then got stuck in What If No One's Reading Anyway; Let's Do Literally Everything Else Except Work On This insecurity hole. Thank you to a certain person for dropping me a message asking if this is abandoned! It got me off my ass!

The impostor's apartment is too normal. This shouldn't be what bothers him, but it is: there's dust on his shelves and dirt on the shoes, and meanwhile Neku's shoes just vanish when he tries taking his off. He's less normal than this dude, and this dude's Joshua. What the fuck?

Or maybe he only _acts_ normal, and Neku scowls at the little tchotchkes on the bookshelf as the real Joshua conjures a gift box and sets it down next to them. "I can't say if this will have any value to you, but I brought something," he calls, and there's a few thunking noises as Yoshiya levitates some boxes in an effort to extricate a fold-out table from his closet.

Neku might be a guest, but he goes to the doorway anyway and lifts out the table with his psi so the guy can get his boxes back in, and he glances at Neku with a bit of gratitude in with the wariness before taking the table back and sliding more boxes away to clear space. "I don't have guests often," he says drily, and Neku can believe it: everything's tidy, but in a lived-in sort of way, photos and pinboards taking up what space the houseplant arrangements aren't, and there's books and magazines scattered around the fishtank.

But only _one_ fishtank, and Neku raises his eyebrows at the guy's restraint as Joshua peers at the betta like it's the most fascinating thing he's seen all week. "He's beautiful," he tells his double, and Neku holds back a snort: Josh's got a dozen fancier tanks in his house.

But Neku's not gonna diss this guy's bachelor pad, even if he _is_ another Joshua. "Nice place," he says, and the guy inclines his head before returning to his laptop at his desk. Well, if he's gonna be like that ....

Joshua's undeterred, though. "Thank you for having us on such short notice," he says, but he probably didn't give any notice at all, and Neku refolds his wings in sympathy. Just as much of an asshole to other hims as he is to everyone else, and the double sighs before pushing his hair back.

"You're welcome any time Dr Pin will have you, composer," the guy says with a twist to his mouth, and he gets up to shake Neku's hand and bow in introduction. "I'm a columnist for Pin Weekly and harrier for Shibuya, Yoshiya Kiryu, though my friends call me Pink."

"Nice to meet you, Pink," Neku says back automatically, though that is a weird-ass nickname. "I'm Neku. Uh, I'm a student at Geidai."

"And my conductor," Joshua adds meaningfully, and yeah, that too. "We finished up a Game today, and I thought he might need a bit of relaxation after, hm?"

He's trying way too hard, Neku notices, and he nabs Joshua's sleeve to sit down next to him. The guy does, his face a bit pink, and the real Pink watches them with that calculating curiosity Joshua's way too good at. "I'm surprised someone as dull as me would be on your list," he says neutrally, his fingers wiggling, and Neku hears the water in the kitchen turn on and then off. Starting up tea? He's got to be, but it raises the hair on his neck until Joshua gives him a silent nudge.

"Modesty ill becomes you," Joshua says, resting his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. "You're an education, Yoshiya, you truly are, and perhaps between the two of us we might be able to pin my Neku down, hm?" He wiggles his eyebrows, unable to let the pun go unnoticed, and Neku thwaps him.

"Mmm, he's awfully young," Pink says, his lip curling, and Neku unfurls and refolds his wings. He's not a kid, and from what his wings pick up, this guy's vibe's got to be lower than Kariya's. Neku could probably take him even if this guy's got the home field advantage, but Joshua sets his hand on Neku's knee and he quiets.

Just enough he can talk properly without wanting to fight anyone and everyone. "I'm nineteen," he says, irritated, "and you died _way_ younger. You don't get to talk."

"I was referring to when you died," Pink says, as condescending as Neku's own, but that was four years ago and he says so.

And then Pink's raising an eyebrow and it's Joshua who explains: "I brought him back," he says, as light as ever, but maybe he should mention he's the one who killed him in the first place, eh? There's no use arguing with this guy, though, so Joshua waits just long enough to see if Neku's going to mention and then keeps talking: "Anyway, Yoshiya, would you mind helping me with him? I don't have the delicacy to take my Neku as he ought to be taken, but perhaps with your assistance ...!"

Neku groans, but strangely it's the other Joshua who takes longer to reply. "Are you propositioning me?" he says, and Joshua shrugs. "Composer, please leave."

What? "All right," Joshua says, though he's confused about it, too, and that's such a _normal_ reaction from Yoshiya that it weirds Neku out, leaves him still processing as Joshua gets up and bows and vanishes. ` I'm outside,` he tells Neku, and Neku ought to join him, but --

"You can stay," Yoshiya adds, and he gets up to grab the hot water. "It's not your fault he's inappropriate, Sakuraba," he says, pouring it into cups, and when he comes back, he's got a bunch of little tea bags and he sits across from Neku before picking one out.

Neku takes one he doesn't recognize and drops it into his cup, which's got some slogan from a sentai series a decade ago, and he glances up at Yoshiya before looking back at his tea. "It's Neku," he corrects, the formality strange from Joshua's voice, "and he's always like that. Sorry."

And then Yoshiya shrugs, almost like Joshua, but not quite. "The composer does what he wants," he says lightly, "and we mere mortals have to deal with it. I'm not truly offended."

If he's not offended, Neku's dyed his hair blue, but he's not gonna call him on that. "Thanks for your hospitality, but I should go," he tells him, glancing at his tea dubiously, but Pink shakes his head and he stays put.

"The Neku Sakuraba of my world is a good friend of mine," he says. "I'm hardly going to throw you out on the streets."

But he didn't have any qualms doing that to himself, he notices. "What's he like?"

"Well, he's not dead," Yoshiya says, and Neku makes a face. "He's never died at all, in fact. What happened to you?"

"Joshua," he explains, rubbing his neck. "Uh, not you -- my Joshua. He, uh, he's kind of a dick."

That's not really an answer, he knows, but it gets Yoshiya making a face and if this was the real Joshua, Neku'd be taking out his phone camera. As it is, he sips his tea to keep from laughing at the poor guy, and Yoshiya shakes his head, chuckling under his breath. And then he sobers, and he gets his face in order, and he asks, "Could you call your composer back? I need to speak to him."

Oh, hell. "Sure," he says, reaching with his psi, and the UG feels wrong, shaped by the wrong will. Joshua's still his partner, though, and their pact feels right even with everything else being just a bit off.

`Ready to go?` Joshua asks, his eternal confidence leaking through their link, and it pisses him off. He was a dick and he thinks he can just get away with it, and Neku pulls on it hard.

`Pink wants to talk to you,` he sends back, and he tinges it with his own frustration. You're _grounded,_ dude.

And Joshua's apologetic, but only as far as Neku's mad; it was just a joke and Yoshiya won't care tomorrow, but he embarrassed _Neku_ and -- ah, there's some actual repentance. He hears along the pact as Joshua tunes down just inside Pink's apartment, and both Neku and Yoshiya turn in the right direction to see Joshua walk in, his hand pushing his hair back like nothing happened. "Hello again," he says, and Pink rolls his eyes.

"Composer, not every idea that goes through your head needs acting on," Pink chides, but that's not a lesson Joshua's ever going to accept. "I considered asking you to be the third with my Sho, but I restrained myself. Why is Neku dead?"

"Your Sho?" Joshua repeats, and Neku rubs his head. Yeah, that's the important part here.

"Pin Junior," Yoshiya says, and Neku has no idea who that is. "The composer's boy? You know him as Minamimoto, I believe."

 ** **Minamimoto?**** "Joshua's not fucking him," Neku announces, and his skin crawls just thinking about it. "Josh, you're not, not even if this guy asks."

"No need to tell me," Josh says faintly, and ew, ew, ew. "Pink, you could do so much better. Why would you --?"

The guy shrugs, and if Neku was thinking he's saner than his own Joshua, that thought's gone now. "He makes me laugh," Yoshiya says simply, and that might be a good -- no, he's not going there. It's _Pi Face._ "And he's not a third our age, unlike **some** people. Why is Neku dead?"

"He wanted to be," Joshua says, his teeth showing more than necessary, and Neku leans on their pact, pulls him down and next to him. Neku's not going to let him pull shit, and Pink's eyes widen as Joshua falls into Neku's lap, his hair splayed over Neku's thigh.

`You're mine,` Neku tells him silently, and Joshua mrrphls. "Josh killed me when I was fifteen," he tells Pink, "but it didn't stick. He's wanted me as his conductor ever since."

"He wore you down," Pink guesses, but no, Neku -- Neku doesn't know if he wanted this, and can't, not with Joshua having the powers he has.

But he thinks he does, and that's got to matter, doesn't it? " _You_ chose to be a reaper," he accuses, and it might just be his own Joshua who did that but Pink inclines his head and it's a hit.

And Joshua wiggles his way more into Neku's space, completely shameless even as Neku flicks him in the head. "Neku's too good for me," he tells his double, insinuating himself under Neku's arm so he's in half a hug, and he's going to get himself kicked out again. Neku takes his arm back enough to merely have his hand on Joshua's hip, and Pink rolls his eyes. "He's kind, and patient, and --"

"And I'm going to hit you if you don't cool it," Neku says, and Joshua gives him a wounded look as Pink's mouth twitches. "I can't avoid the UG. Josh made sure of that a long time ago, and it's not right and it's not fair, but … it's the way it is."

But it wouldn't be that way if it wasn't for Joshua, and Pink looks at them levelly. "You're welcome here as much as you like, composer, but if I were your Neku, I'd be thinking of a promotion."

"He's too good for his own good," Joshua agrees, and his double reaches out his hand. Joshua takes it, completely unconcerned, and Neku's wings itch as he registers them forming a pact, no matter that -- no matter that Pink wants Joshua erased. For these people, that's nothing, and he wonders what to say to them as Joshua darts in and kisses Neku's jaw, apparently desperate to get himself kicked out, 'cause Neku shifts to noise form enough to slash him with his claws as Joshua yelps and jumps back in his own noise form, his doggy eyes big and soulful and _completely unrepentant._

"Don't _do that,_ " Neku snaps, his face hot, and the dog's ears fold back before he vanishes in a leap, leaving Neku to pull himself human again. "I'm sorry about him."

"He's worse than I was at fifteen," Yoshiya notes, but the guy's amused and thank fuck Joshua hasn't started a blood feud just 'cause he won't keep it in his pants. "I don't expect proper behavior from him, not when acting out gets him attention. Does it bother you?"

No, he wants to say, but it really freaking does and this is _Joshua,_ or a version of him. He can be honest: it's not like this guy has any tact, either. "I keep telling him not to."

"And he ignores you, because he can," he finishes, and no, it's not like that. Josh just -- acts like he lives in a cave, when he's fucking _psychic._ Shit. "Neku, I'm selfish, and he's worse. As long as he thinks he can stay in your good graces, he'll do as he pleases. Sho's as bad as I am, but you ...."

"I'm not better than him," he says, and Pink snorts. He really isn't, okay? "I'm not better than you, either, or -- or freaking _Pi Face,_ and why would you even ...?"

A cough. "Have you seen his abs?"

"No, and I hate you for mentioning it."

"They're tau much for me," he says, taking out his phone, and Neku is _not_ looking. Oh, hell, he's hot. "Look at 'em: he's got a six point two eight three pack."

No. No, he is not making math jokes. "I want my Joshua back," he announces, 'cause no matter how bad he is, he doesn't number pun. "You're the worst."

"Or the best," he says with a laugh, but Neku had it right the first time. "You can tell your composer I'm willing for that threesome, so long as he helps with my Sho."

But he hates him. And Neku wasn't -- right, that doesn't matter with this guy. "Thanks," he says, voice dry, and Pink waves his hand.

"You're welcome anytime."

* * *

Joshua's in the hallway when Neku gets out, dog shaped with his collar on and his leash in his mouth. There's so many things Neku ought to say to him, but what comes out is this: "Sit, boy."

He sits. He holds his paw out when Neku tells him to shake, too, and goes down to the ground with his tail in the air when told down. He's all around a good dog, even if Joshua's a terrible person, and Neku takes the leash without going anywhere. He's not better than him, but he knows what Yoshiya meant and he doesn't like it.

"Do you piss me off on purpose?" he asks, and the dog flicks an ear with a forepaw. No silent treatment, asshole, but Joshua's only thinking before he talks.

`When I have a reason,` he concedes, getting up to lead them off, but Neku still isn't budging. `I didn't expect Yoshiya to get angry with me the first time, but his perspective is good for you, I think. If it takes angering you for you to listen to him, it's a worthy trade-off.`

But Neku didn't want to be angry, and he doesn't think Pink said anything important. "I'm thinking of bringing you back there to apologise to him, only he doesn't deserve that," Neku says frankly, but he _knows_ Joshua doesn't give a shit. "All he did was say I'm too good for you, anyway."

` You are too good for me,` Joshua agrees, and Neku pokes him with his shoe. `Well, even I can misjudge these things. Is there anything you'd like to do?`

What _does_ he want? He's in another world, where he's never died, and near a version of Joshua who's never killed him, and -- he's missing the forest for the trees. Pink thinks Joshua's an asshole, but he's also a reaper who Neku'll never have to work with. "I need to talk to him again," he blurts out, though he doesn't know if Pink'll even want to, "and then we're heading home."

` No Tin Pin?`

"No Tin Pin," he confirms, and Joshua rolls over, his paws up in the air in defeat. Drama queen, and he knocks on the other Joshua's door again.

"I thought it would be longer, I admit," Yoshiya tells them, and Joshua woofs. "Hush, puppy."

Neku glances at Joshua just long enough to realize how fucking weird this is, and his ears heat. "Can I ask you stuff about the UG?" he asks, and the guy looks at his jerk dog long enough it's awkward, the way they all know Joshua should be telling him stuff but isn't. Not on purpose, though, Neku thinks, and he hopes like hell he's right.

"I suppose I haven't been doing anything this evening anyway," he concedes, and he holds the door open for them both again. Neku goes first, his dog slow to get back up when his leg needs nibbling on, and then he's left tugging on Joshua's leash before simply dropping it. Joshua lifts it back up with some psi, though, and he trots into the apartment just enough to curl up near Pink's shoe pile, determinedly uninterested.

Pink shoots the dog a look, then clears his throat. "If you eat my shoes, composer, I'll know who it was," he says, and Joshua groans in reply. Neku hadn't even thought of that, but then Pink's whisking him back to his tea and he's just going to have to hope Joshua behaves.

"Josh erased somebody today," Neku says, and he -- he hates that he could forget long enough to even be here, like they didn't even matter, but he knows it's more complicated than that.

But Pink leans back and asks, "Player or reaper?" and of course _that's_ what matters, like the players are all basically livestock.

"Erasures are erasures," he says, though he knows he's not gonna convince the guy. "Look, I fought more than my share of reapers, but they all tried to do me in first, you know? When Josh erases somebody who can't fight back, I don't just sit and nod."

And there's the Kiryu condescension he knows and hates, Yoshiya lacking that little aura of charm he's so used to, and that he's _not_ imprinting him at all feels strange, like he really isn't his Joshua. "Have you tried harrying lately?" he says, looking at his nails, and Neku snorts.

"Josh let me skip that."

A glance at him, but Pink's engrossed in his nails again and Neku really wants to shake this impostor of a harrier until he shapes up and acts like a real person again. "And why would he do that," he murmurs, but Neku's not being _patronized_ and he really wants to strangle him.

But his irritation leaks along the pact enough for him to get two Kiryus thinking they know what's up, and Joshua reads his thoughts enough to pull together a conclusion and: `He thinks you're too young.` And Neku knew _that,_ but Joshua pulls in the sound of a reaper and someone who's never died and he kind of gets it.

Neku's small and insignificant when it comes to a composer, and he'd be angry if he heard about this happening to anyone else. Hell, maybe he should even be angry about him and Josh, because it's not like Joshua's a good person or does all the right things, but he thinks it's not like that. He doesn't want it to be like that, and Josh doesn't, either, bile rising in his throat from sympathetic revulsion. Josh doesn't want to mess him up. Not to where he'll break.

And Neku wants to trust him not to. "Look, if you don't know shit about how to handle this without thinking of the players as meat, just tell me," he says, and Pink scowls at him. "I thought _maybe_ you might know something, but --"

"Neku, you're alive," he snaps, and no he damn well is not! He flares out his wings to show as much, but Pink's come out, too, and they're Kariya-thin with a wingspan like his Joshua's, too big for a plain harrier and too small for an officer. Neku can still take him, he thinks, and he hears his Joshua edging close enough to make it two against one even without the home field advantage, and what is _wrong_ with them all?! "My world's Neku looks the same age as you, Conductor Sakuraba," Yoshiya says, quietly, and Neku puts his wings back.

He doesn't want a fight. Now, if he can actually **remember** that, he'll be doing great. "I've been dead off and on," he admits, "but I'm not new."

"New enough," he says, and Neku can't argue with that. "Please inform your composer I only solve the moral quandaries of those who've been dead a decade. You breathers would fill my schedule otherwise."

`Thank you for trying,` Joshua says dryly, trotting in, and Neku'd like to smack him. Pink moves to scritch the dog noise's ears, though, and presses his face to Joshua's muzzle, no matter that he was annoyed by him earlier, and Neku's never going to understand these people.

Especially not when Joshua takes that as a cue to shift human shaped again, his face very close to his double's. They should be mirrors, but like that Neku sees some of the differences, a bit less fat in the cheeks on the harrier. Like if Joshua kept ageing, he realizes, though not by much. "You're a complete idiot," Yoshiya tells his other self, and Joshua inclines his head. Yoshiya kisses the top, though, just like Joshua likes doing to Neku, and adds, "You're also the best entertainment I've had all week."

"I live to serve," Joshua replies, and right, Neku's grabbing his shoulder before he can tackle his double into a makeout session. He knows that expression and he's not having it, not right now. Joshua comes with him willingly, though, glancing at Neku like a disappointed puppy, and straightens. "We'll be going, then," he says, and everything statics out.

Once Neku can see again, they're right outside Yoshiya's apartment building and he's trying to hold onto his lunch, though he doubts he could toss it right now if he wanted to. Stupid UG and stupid teleportation and stupid fucking Joshua, Neku thinks, and Joshua looking at him like he's the most fascinating thing he's seen all day is not what he needs right now. "You're thinking something annoying," Neku informs him, and Joshua raises his eyebrows.

He was doing nothing of the sort, he sends along their link, but Neku felt him already and he's lying. "Yoshiya wants me murdered," he declares, utterly proud of himself, and see? Neku knew it was something annoying!

"You were this close to jumping each other," he tells him, and he doesn't mean in a murder way. No, deciding Neku's too young got them both horny for each other, and Neku never wants to know why, thanks. "He's not going to kill you."

"He won't," he agrees, and Neku blinks. "It's not allowed, Neku. I'm a _tourist;_ he'd be breaking the law. Besides, he wants you to kill me."

"I'm not killing you, either."

Oh, but Joshua can try, and they bicker about it all the way to their next stop.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanekoma is here.
> 
> This chapter sucked to rewrite. >:O I do still exist but it's clear by now that editing quickly is not in my repertoire and I do really like actually, like, editing shit. As such, I'm officially stating I update this on Thursdays when I update it.

Joshua can’t carry him back home on his own, which would’ve been good to know, but it’s not until they’re near their destination that Neku realizes how they’re getting a ride.

“No,” he says, staring down Cat Street, but there’s no point. There’s never any point. “Josh, why?”

“It’s him or Mr Doi,” he says reasonably, and what if Neku wanted the ramen guy, huh? “You lead the way if it matters to you so much.”

Oh, fuck off. “We’re going, but I don’t like it,” Neku says, leading the way, and that guy better not be laughing or Neku’s going to whack him. Joshua’s fascination with people wanting him dead is not nearly as charming as he thinks it is, and Hanekoma’s as trustworthy as a free space in traffic.

“This world’s Sanae hates ours, not me,” he adds, like Neku wanted to know, and Neku stares at him. “I’ve always acted within a composer’s rights, but Sanae … mmm, he’s made a lot of enemies. They won’t plot together, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

That’s not what he was thinking about, but that’s a horrifying thought. Multiple Hanekoma all working together to nag. “Pink hates you,” Neku says, though that didn’t stop the two of them from making it weird, and Neku knows way too much about Joshua’s fetishes. “I don’t think he cares much about ‘a composer’s rights’ when it comes to me conducting.”

A harsh laugh, and Joshua shakes his head. “I played fair with his Neku, the first time I was here. Sanae did not. Yoshiya dislikes my methods, but there’s no grudge there, Neku, while Sanae ….”

Played how, he wants to ask, but Joshua’s idea of a friendly match isn’t something Neku wants to think about, not when Mr H did something worse. “What the hell did you two do?”

“Sanae’s the one who went out of line,” he says quickly, his hand up like he’s hapless and innocent, and Neku’s going to smack him if he doesn’t get a real answer. “Honestly, Neku, all I did was ask him to show off a little. He could have said no, and he left in one piece. It’s Mr H who has to worry about the angry mobs.”

Charming. “Josh, _please_ just tell me.”

“Ask this world’s Sanae, why do you?” Because he won’t give a straight answer, that’s why. “I’ll explain if he doesn’t, but it’s not my story. His cafe’s right there. Ask _him._ ”

Ughhh, if he has to. He gives the door a death glare, then pushes it open with more force than necessary as Joshua follows closely behind. The store sounds clean to Neku’s senses, trustworthy with a purity of purpose behind it, and he feels Mr H before he sees him, washing dishes that never get used.

It ought to piss him off, but this Mr H sounds just different enough from the one Neku knows that his wings relax, some irritating hum missing like it was never there. `This one never compromised himself,` Joshua says silently, reading Neku’s thoughts the way he always does, and he feels Joshua settle in to keep the angel out.

“You two are awful far from home,” observes this man who was never his mentor. “I ever see you kids before?”

“This is my third visit, and Neku’s first,” Joshua replies, and Neku glances back at him. He’s not gonna wait around for Joshua to gossip, so hurry it up, and Joshua inclines his head. “He’s very kind, but his view of the UG was tainted after that incident with the Taboo Noise, and I thought you might have some perspective.”

“Nasty stuff,” Hanekoma says, looking them over, and Neku’s got the weird feeling he’s judging them. He doesn’t want to be a disappointment, even now, after everything, and he’d wonder if Joshua was keeping him from getting angry but the guy offers to help pull his rage back up and it’s all Neku.

This Hanekoma never did any of that, and Yoshiya’s not the same as Joshua. It’s different, and he shouldn’t judge them by each other, but his psi still hears _Hanekoma._ Just … Hanekoma before the fall, Neku’s idol back when Neku thought he was the kindest person he’d ever meet. A lie even then, Joshua informs him, slotting in the timeline of events, but Neku hadn’t known that.

He still wants Mr H to like him.

“What did that guy from our world do here?” Neku asks, neither tired nor accusatory, and his spine vibrates with Joshua’s pride. He doesn’t want to need their approval, and he **doesn’t** – but it’s good; it’s grounding, and Neku trusts them to be themselves, even as he hopes they’ll be better than that.

They’re trying, Joshua assures him, and he gently guides Neku to sit up at a table. “I’ve told him my Sanae’s not welcome here,” he says to Hanekoma, and then he stops, sheepish. “I don’t mean to be an inconvenience, but would you …?”

“Ain’t an inconvenience,” Hanekoma says back, and he sets cups of coffee down for all of them as he joins them at the table. “I’m guessing Phones being here means you ain’t expecting me to cover for you, composer,” he starts, an edge to his voice, and Joshua inclines his head, sipping his coffee.

“I killed my Neku,” he says, almost conversational, and Neku doesn’t know if his hair stands up on the possessive or the bland admittance or both, but Joshua’s hand flutters and he accepts the peace offering. “I came here as a joke, to be honest, and I suppose it didn’t occur to me I even _could_ overstep. I had no right to challenge the Sakuraba here to a test of his soul, but he did have the choice to refuse at no penalty. That makes me brash but tolerable, Neku, no matter that he risked erasure on my whim.”

Only by the UG’s fucked up standards, he wants to say, but that’s Joshua’s point: he nearly killed this world’s Neku because the guy was here, and he didn’t think anything of it. “Composer privileges?” he guesses, and Joshua shrugs.

Mr H sighs, though, and Joshua busies himself with fixing his hair, unwilling to be judged and found wanting. “UG rules don’t always make sense, Phones,” he says, like Neku might have missed the memo. “Kiryu’d be in trouble if the boss got mad, but Blue’s unharmed and there’s no hard feelings. What the other Sanae did, though – he got the kid worried about me and then fought him without letting him run, and that’s outta line, even ‘fore he left his reports all over the place for the kid to find.”

“The Neku here found out about the UG, Neku, from my producer, with no oversight or authorization,” Joshua says, and that’s what they’re mad about? Not the – not the _attempted murder,_ which Neku can translate out of UG understatement as well as the rest of them, but telling secrets? Of **course** that’s the real crime here, and his fingers crackle with psi as Joshua glances at him. “That’s all I needed, Sanae,” he says, his eyes on Neku: “could you send us home now?”

“If you insist,” he says back, and they switch keys before Neku can even object. Joshua’s there, his soul tangling around Neku’s like he’s worried he’d get lost otherwise, and the contact burns, as awful and unsettling as the rest of it.

They land in a pile of pillows in Joshua’s bedroom, a far cry from the cafe, and Neku coughs as his lungs start up again. “I’m sorry; my fault,” Joshua says, and it is, but Neku doesn’t need him to help him sit up or to wave his hand through Neku’s chest as he feels that it’s all in order. What he needs is space, and Joshua flinches away from him as he perches on a beanbag, all nervous energy. “Neku, I ….”

He waves his hand: _save it._ He’s not angry the way Joshua worries about, the way Joshua gets when he feels betrayed, but he is angry, and he doesn’t need Joshua trying to fix it now that Neku’s not reacting to what Joshua thought the point was. “I’m not pissed you brought us home,” he tells him, as the guy adjusts his hair, and bingo: that’s his composer’s freakout sorted. “I wasn’t done talking to him, but it wasn’t going anywhere good.”

“I dislike watching you fight, and your problems are with me, anyway.” He’s quiet as he says that, his calm back as easily as it left, and it drives Neku nuts. He wanted Neku to know what they’d done, but he couldn’t just _say it_ like a normal person: no, he needed to drag in somebody else to say it for him, and then once Neku’s not pissed off enough that they both tried to kill him, _again,_ he’s got to move Neku around without asking even though he knows that pisses him off.

And then he’s like this, all unsure whether to fuck off or get in all close until Neku forgets he’s mad, and he – he didn’t need _any_ of this. He could’ve brought Neku somewhere he’d never been before, but he picked somewhere he had bad history, and he – he’s nervous ‘cause he thinks Neku will forgive him faster, isn’t he. “… Josh?” he tries, and Joshua leans back to look at the stars.

“No comment,” he mutters, and that’s a confirmation. Even his feelings are a manipulation, and even knowing Joshua’s changed, that Joshua isn’t who he used to be, he’s always stuck wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, and Neku didn’t need this. He didn’t need this today, when he wanted advice and a distraction, and he doesn’t need this now, when he really just wants – what does he want?

To trust people, and be trusted in return, and he doesn’t know if Joshua is capable of that. He wants to think so – he wants to so bad – but Joshua doesn’t stop, and there’s got to be a point where he says this far, and no farther. He has to draw a line in the sand somewhere and he knows the person he used to be would’ve drawn it before they even had that **fucking** duel and that would’ve been wrong but now he doesn’t know where he’s got to put the limit. It’s gotta go somewhere, though!

And the guy’s got to be listening, but all he does is unfold his wings and fidget. “Neku?” he says, pushing his hair back, and Neku scowls at him. If he’s going to claim he’s not worth it again – “I want to speak with you, but I need you to tell me not to run away.”

“If you don’t want to, then don’t,” he says, but the guy’s feathers puff up, agitated. What, he wants to leave that badly? They don’t need to have this conversation right now if neither of them want it, but he’s lying to himself and he nods slowly. “Don’t leave ‘til I say we’re done talking,” he says, and Joshua inclines his head, relieved. “What’s up?”

“Wherever your line is, I’ve crossed it,” he says, but that’s not for him to decide. “You have wings, child: do you expect me to believe you’d have chosen that without my machinations? Yoshiya was right; you’re too young, and I may trust you with my city but I can’t trust you with yourself. Please, Neku –”

“Stop,” he snaps, and the guy does, his face tight. He really doesn’t want to hear this, but he’s not going to tell Joshua to go away, either: he’s trusting him to keep him there until they’re both satisfied. And that’s cruel of him, when Neku knows damn well that Joshua’d like to pretend he didn’t say anything as much as Neku wants to not have this conversation, but he gets it. “You don’t get to decide that for me,” he says, gentler, and he believes it, too.

Josh’s decided too much of Neku’s life to get to choose when Neku gives up on him.

“I decide what’s appropriate for my conductor,” he murmurs, and fuck the _position:_ Neku wants **him!** “I’ve made a mistake. I am, first and foremost, Composer of Shibuya, and it’s pointless to pretend otherwise. I cannot do right by you, I cannot treat you with the respect you deserve, and I cannot be wondering when you’ll finally realize I have no idea what I’m doing. Shibuya deserves better than that.”

Uh, he already knew Joshua had no idea what he’s doing. “You’re way better than you used to be,” he offers, and Joshua snorts. “Dude, I’d have ditched you if you were hopeless.”

“Your faith in me is admirable, but poorly placed.” Asshole. “I truly would like your services, but I can’t date you, Neku. I refuse.”

“… So, what, you’re dumping me?” A fake bow. Even when he’s dumping him, he’s still a pretentious asswipe, and how – how come it’s Joshua dumping him, instead of the other way around? “What the _fuck._ ”

“You’re too good for me,” he says, not unkindly, and Neku would really like to punch his face in, actually. “I can send you back to humanity if you’d like, though I prefer you on this side of my Game.”

Yeah, but ….”You’re serious?”

“Deadly so.”

Ha ha. What the fuck. “I can’t get over that _you’re_ dumping _me,_ ” Neku admits, still stuck on that point, and he’s got no idea what to do about the reaper thing. He can’t just ditch the Game – the players deserve better than that – but is … is Joshua going to expect him to work with him? Is Joshua going to _chase him off?_ “What the fuck are you wanting from me, then?”

“Assuming you don’t return to life and leave Shibuya?” he says, and yeah, assuming that. “You as my conductor, speaking to me as much or as little as you please, using me as you please, without you ever assuming that I am or am capable of being truly a person. I am a god, Neku: ask of me what you will.”

What if what he wants is a friend? Well, _that’s_ not happening, and he gets a level stare for even thinking of it. “Was leaving Shibuya that bad?” he asks finally, and the guy hums.

“I had fun,” he admits with a shrug, “but I have my duties, Neku.”

And going on dates with him distracts him from them. Great. Neku says nothing, knowing there’s nothing he really _can_ say that’ll get the guy to change his mind, but Joshua watches him with a faint smile and holds out his palm, his psi gently easing Neku close.

No, Neku thinks, and he stops himself from doing more than standing. Josh doesn’t get to act like they’re fine, and the guy only quirks his brow when he realizes Neku’s not going for it. “Stay away from me,” he says, reaching with his psi to find the door, but it’s Joshua’s room and it doesn’t care what he wants: he’s stuck for one, two, and then Joshua’s scrambling to send him out into the lounge, all apologies. Liar.

The guy’s got to be listening even if his body’s not here, and Neku looks at the fish and the ceiling before giving up on finding him. “You stay out of my head and don’t watch me until I say you can, all right? I’m not – I don’t hate you, Josh, but I need space. You listening?”

His phone beeps. `If you want more privacy, you'll have to leave me to mine,` Joshua texts, like it’s at all the same, but Neku accepts the point.

“Fine; live alone.”

* * *

The sewer’s quiet as he walks back, more silent than the dead, and he stops near the bus station to hop up where he shouldn’t be, a two meter jump nothing to him these days. Nobody’ll notice him until he wants them to, and he doesn’t want them; he doesn’t want anyone except – no, he wants people. He wants a lot of people, but in his own time and at his own pace; everyone he’s close enough with to not need to _think_ isn’t an option anymore.

How dare he? Where does Joshua get off calling it quits, when he’s the one who – there’s so many ways he could end that sentence that he gives it up for a lost cause; he doesn’t have words for it. His twentieth birthday couldn’t come fast enough: he needs a drink. A drink for his sorrows, and then a drink to celebrate, because fuck it, he’s without his weirdo deadweight. He parkours up onto a rain shelter just because he can, then tries to warp short distances – hup, hup, hup, over onto the edging near Hachiko and down to the RG.

He slips his phone out and composes a text – `Broke up w josh bc hes a fuckin dumbass` – then waffles on who to send it to. Beat, Shiki, aaaand Lollipop? Yeah, tell Lollipop. His friends aren’t Josh’s biggest fans, their goodwill running low by the fourth or fifth time he no-showed and his personality doing the rest, but he thinks the reaper ought to hear, too, since he’s got to actually deal with them both. They all ought to be able to say what they want; Neku loves his psi, but hearing people try to say the right thing to him – he hates it, hates remembering everybody else has shit they keep inside their own heads.

He fidgets as he waits a reply, and he wishes he brought some bread to give the pigeons. Maybe he can ask Joshua – no, not when he thinks he’ll want to deck him the moment the guy shows his face. Even if he is useful. 

`that good news or bad?` Shiki sends back. That’s … a really good question, actually.

`I dont even kno. he dumped me for work and im kinda mad but mostly disappointed??? dude cant make up his mind about anything.` He wonders if he should tell Shiki about the reaper thing again, but decides against it, certain she’s happier not knowing. Especially since the fucker dumped him _right after_ killing him, and the cynical part of him wonders if Joshua did that on purpose. Get Neku dead and Shibuya’s like he wanted him, then cut ties when Neku can’t really leave. 

No, he decides, it was probably at least half coincidence or the dumbass’s mood swings, because he wouldn’t have been so straightforward about being a bad influence otherwise. Dude can’t even commit to being a fucking asshole properly, geez.

`wanna meet up sometime? long weekend this week`

So it is. `sat morn good? meet by you this time`

`excellent`

He sticks his phone back in his pocket and stretches, wondering how willing he is to deal with traffic and people on his way home, but he shouldn’t rely too much on dead people shortcuts. Shiki’d be mad if he told her all the Joshua shit, he knows, but she’s got a much firmer sense of right and wrong than he does and it’s comforting, really, knowing somebody else thinks your life’s fucked up. He knows she’d cuss out Joshua if he told her he wanted to meet at her place because that guy eavesdrops too much, and that desire to protect people, that sense of justice – he really admires her. Beat, too, no matter that it hurts when he thinks about him sometimes; they’re really good people and the world needs more of that. 

Sometimes he feels like – but he shoots the thought down, instead appreciating the sunset reflecting off the clouds as he heads back home. Mr H isn’t what Neku wanted him to be (at **_all_** ) but he had good advice, Neku supposes, and he really _likes_ Shibuya. He could probably learn to like the rest of Tokyo, too, if he has to, but he hopes that he won’t have to, no matter what Joshua pulls. He’s not even that upset, not like the last time he was dumped, but Joshua … Neku doesn’t have the faintest idea what to do about the guy.

He’ll figure it out later, he supposes, and he keys into his building and takes the elevator to the right floor. Right, Joshua’s paying his rent as a conductor thing … he’ll have to keep that into consideration when he brings the subject up, and he brushes his forehead and pushes his hair back as he tries not to worry about it. Joshua promised he wouldn’t use that as leverage; Neku has to trust him that far.

Neku tunes himself back down all the way to the RG, his frequency having slipped up as he walked, and he heads into his apartment. “I’m back!” he calls, and Beat replies unintelligibly as he notices everything goes quiet.

“I got your message,” Beat says once he’s in the living room, his face scrunched up like he’s not sure how to react, and Neku notices he was on his laptop. Probably streaming again, he figures, and it bothers him a little he doesn’t know what. “Your ex came by earlier; I wouldn’t’ve let him in if I knew, but –”

“He _what?_ ”

Beat blabbers as he scrambles up, and Neku wishes he’d just _calm down_ but he can’t even toss an imprint, and Beat points at a patch of wall where the paint looks newer than everywhere else. “He said it’s for privacy, yeah, since you and I’s living together, and he said he should’ve thought of it earlier, but all I know is it probably ain’t gonna fuck up our deposit –”

“– Beat, it’s okay,” he interrupts, and he thinks it really is. He shouldn’t have – but there’s no point berating anybody about it, and it’s not a bad idea. It’s the kind of thing Joshua should’ve done earlier, in fact, and Neku wants to yell at him for doing it **now** instead of when he’d actually be welcome.

Neku takes a deep breath and pulls himself up, Beat wincing like he gets painful to look at before he eases himself back down. It’s not rejecting him, but … he knows this texture. “I think he did the same thing to the rest of the apartment that he’d done to my room,” he says slowly, and he kind of wants to laugh. “I can’t scan you, but it just feels like – like you’re you, and all I need to know is that you’re safe.”

Beat should _always_ be safe, and the guy flushes at his concern even as Neku’s still fuming over Joshua showing up. “You can’t scan me?” he checks again, and Neku shrugs.

“I feel you’re _there,_ but nothing more than that,” he says, and Beat releases a tension Neku wishes wasn’t there. “I think it’s a room thing, not a you thing, but … I can’t hear you, and I bet Josh can’t, either. You sure our deposit’ll be okay?”

“Paint looks the same,” he says back dubiously. “Dunno if it’ll be the same color when it dries, but I guess we shake him down for it if he fucked up.”

Neku’s not sure how much he wants to shake Joshua down for _anything,_ but he thinks it’ll be fine. He’s just … angry that the guy showed up while he wasn’t here, he supposes, and even if he checked in with Beat …. “I really hate that guy sometimes,” he admits, and Beat makes a noncommittal sound. “Even today – we went on a trip, yeah? And then he decided I trust him too much so he dumped me. It’s weird.”

“That guy don’t make no sense,” he agrees. “You all right?”

“Yeah, just tired. Night, Beat.”

“Night, Neku.”

He doesn’t head straight to his room, though, stopping in the kitchen and grabbing a snack, and he hears Beat go back to watching Youtube videos of cats. At least one of them’s having fun, and he heads into the closet and through to his room as he shakes his head. He really would be better off without Joshua, he knows, but he still _likes_ the guy. He – he painted this mural for him, and he wishes he had a curtain so Neku wouldn’t have to look at it, no matter that he’s taking this break up way better than the last one. Joshua’s **weird** and Neku doesn’t think there’s anything he could’ve done, anything he did wrong. It’s all on Josh’s side, and he makes a face as he pulls out his phone. 

` Dont show up when im not here,` he types out, and he sends it, furious no matter that Joshua probably didn’t do anything dangerous. It’s not **right,** and he scowls as his phone buzzes in reply. 

` I thought you might prefer not needing my help to keep from scanning,` he sends back, and that doesn’t help. Asking first! Neku knows he can do it! `You'll have to step into the hallway if you want my attention; I can't easily watch you or Beat now.`

… and he could **_before?_** Neku really, _really_ hates that guy sometimes, and it doesn’t help that he bets Joshua thought he was doing him a favor. A bit of privacy after they broke up, yeah, sure, and maybe he can’t hear Beat too clearly now, but the guy _doesn’t back off._ He’s always got to be helpful and Neku wants to shove him into a wall and yell at him really loudly. ` great. shoo.`

No reply to that, so maybe he is shooing. Well, good, but Neku’s got stuff he needs to work on. Tomorrow, he’s gonna hang out with his classmates like he ought to do more often, and then after that … he checks the Game schedule book irritably and makes a face at the conductor meeting two weeks from now. He doesn’t _want_ to go in and represent Shibuya at a boring meeting, no matter that he said he would, and he’s tempted to go and tell Joshua he quits. 

He’s not going to, or not without some serious thought beforehand, but he wants to and right now he wants nothing to do with the guy. Fuck it; he digs out his music player and hooks it up to his speakers and sticks on breakup songs. 

If that’s the way Joshua wants to play, Neku can play, too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanekoma remains here.
> 
> Devilman is really good, by the way. That's what I've been doing the past week. Watching Devilman Crybaby and then consuming all the other Devilmans I can find. It's good.

The morning’s better. Loud music and furious painting and a good night’s sleep fixes most things, and knowing there’s no way in hell Joshua would ever take the rail to Neku’s campus does the rest. Fucking loser. He’d better not be listening, but Neku’s wings only feel him once that morning and then Neku’s out of range, free to bask in spite without consequences.

It’s not the best coping mechanism, but it works for him. He’s got the best bits of living combined with a soul-deep knowledge of his surroundings, and being in other districts mutes his psi enough for him to have a great time hanging out with his classmates. He ought to do this more often, really, and he bets he’ll have the time.

Joshua can suck it.

Beat doesn’t warm back up to him, though, no matter that it was the Joshua stuff that prompted their break up, and it seems kind of unfair, really. He knows he’s been a bit of a dick and all, but come on! No, Beat still hates the reaper thing and there’s nothing for it but for Neku to spend his evenings clearing all the Noise near their place. He can feel the rest of his neighbors getting slightly cheerier, too, but it’s just his luck that leaves Beat unaffected. Stupid Game winners and their stupid Noise resistance.

His phone goes off every time he steps back into Shibuya, though, cute animals and fashion candids and whatever the hell else Joshua felt like spamming him with. What’s the point? Joshua’s the one who dumped him, so it’s his own fault if he’s got regrets; Neku’s not replying to any of them until he grovels.

Friday comes without the guy having done anything more pointed than a few selfies of him eating ramen, and Neku takes downtuning in stride as he heads out of the city proper to meet up with Shiki. Well, mostly: he’d never really thought about how many wards there are in Tokyo, and each change of the UG district leaves him more and more glued down. But it’s not that bad, and it’s worth it.

Travelling is worth it, and if his head hurts from not knowing where he is like he ought to, it’s a valuable reminder. He doesn’t **have** to stay dead, and if he does, it’s a choice. And he’s still not gonna be a total homebody, unlike _some_ people.

He looks around for his friend, but Shiki’s not that distinctive without the feel of her thoughts to guide him, and she spots him first. “Hey, Neku!” she calls, waving, and he beams and strides over, glad she’s tall enough to see over people.

It’s weird that it **matters,** though, and he goes in for a high five as greeting. She doesn’t meet him immediately, though, the easy camaraderie long gone, and he’s left hanging for a few awkward moments before her hand claps to his. “Shiki,” he says, and she looks so different these days, sheesh! Something about how she carries herself, and none of them are who they were in high school. “Hey, I don’t come out this way too often; you know anywhere good to hang out?”

“Yeah, there’s a cafe not far from here,” she says back, and he waves his hand: lead the way. She does, and he tries keeping his eyes on every direction at once as they go, unused to not **knowing** what’s around him at all times. If she notices, she doesn’t comment, instead leading with a typical, “How’ve you been?”

“Not bad,” he says back, and he’s not sure what to tell her. “I got a load off my back, so I’ve been spending more time at campus. Some of my classmates are actually pretty cool, if you can believe it.”

“Well, it is art school,” she says practically. “Everyone I work with is absolutely _amazing,_ but I’m still near the bottom of the totem pole, even with some recommendations. We’re young, you know?”

“Yeah,” he says, though he thinks of one place that isn’t an issue. But it still is, really: he’ll have to work hard to get respect wherever he goes, even if the UG cares more about how long you’ve been dead than how old you look. “Hey, you heard from Eri lately?” He might not like her, but he still ought to pretend to, and Shiki seems pleased as his ears burn.

“She’s fine, I think,” she says. “We’ve both been really busy; we’re going to hang out later today, actually.”

“I’m glad,” he says, and he means it, too. He doesn’t have to like her friends for it to be good she has them, and they’ve both needed a break. “I don’t even know what I’m gonna do with Josh.”

“Well, you broke up, didn’t you?” she says pointedly, and he wishes it were that simple.

But it isn’t, and Neku doesn’t want it to be either. He’s quiet as he thinks about what to tell her, and she’s quiet, too, the silence companionable as they get to the cafe and get snacks and tea for her and an obnoxiously sweet coffee drink for him. (“I don’t know how you drink that,” she says, and he gets extra whipped cream out of spite.)

“I’m supposed to work with him,” he says slowly, and she makes a face at that. He doesn’t need scanning to know she’s thinking the same things about dating coworkers that he’s heard before, or her own experience back when she was _with_ Eri instead of just working with her, but he thinks that’s why Joshua cut it off: it got messy, and Neku thinks it’ll get messy again, but they’ll have an eye out for it. Maybe. “He’s got a meeting of some kind he wants me to go to next week, and I said I’ll go, but after that …”

“Quit,” she says immediately, and he knew she would. “Neku, he’s not good for you, and what he wants --”

“I don’t care.” It’s true, too, or he wants it to be. “I like him and I like – I like some of the stuff I can do, Shiki, I like my power and influence and I don’t know _what_ the fuck I’m going to do after the thing we got next week, but you know what? I’m gonna still be dead, and I’m **staying** that way 'til I got a good reason otherwise.”

She looks at him, and she’s not surprised: she’s just disappointed, and his face heats as she eats her muffin determinedly, venting her frustration on that instead of him. “It’s your funeral,” she grumbles, then claps her hands over her mouth. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Death joke~!” This deserves the finger guns, which he likes a hell of a lot better than real guns, and she groans.

“No,” she says. “No reaper humor. No – no --”

“Reaper review?” She buries her head next to the table, and he snickers, then sobers: “I haven’t seen that guy around in a while.”

“You’d know,” she mutters, and yes, he would. Ugh, he hopes that guy didn’t get erased, though there aren’t many other possibilities. A transfer? People transfer, right? He could ask Joshua sometime, or try to find him in the records without a name, but both the options are too dismal when he’s probably gone anyway.

She’s watching him, his morbidity catching, and he wishes – he wishes a lot of things. “It’s not all like we saw when we Played,” he says quietly, and it isn’t, but it is, too, because that’s never gone. “I’m not … I’m not _stuck._ ”

“I know you’re not,” she says back, and he thinks she might cry. Oh, fuck, but she sees his face and giggles, and even if her eyes are red, he doesn’t have to deal with Crying Shiki right now, thank fuck. He’d probably have to beat himself up or something; nobody should ever make her cry, and then they’re both giggling, something about the stress contagious. “I really thought you might ditch him,” she admits, shaking her head, and he shrugs.

“I really thought I might ditch him, too. He’d deserve it.” But he’s not going to, and he knows he _could._ He could leave, and it would suck and he doesn’t know what would happen to Joshua without him (nothing good, he suspects, and he **knows** Joshua’s certain of it but the guy’s a survivor and Neku trusts him, has faith even when he knows it’s maybe not warranted) but he could do it. He could. He’d even have help. “I wanna see his Shibuya, though, and he can’t really – he can’t do it by himself, not without support, and I’m a good influence on him. He’s a good influence on me, too, even if he’s --”

He trails off, not sure how to capture his quitessimal Joshua-ness, but she knows what he means: “Terrible? A jerk? _The guy who killed you?_ ”

Wonder how she’d react knowing he’s got a Neku Body Count of four now. Maybe she already does, but his phone buzzes and he holds his hand up. “Yeah, all of that, but one sec: I gotta check this.”

Shiki waits patiently as he digs his phone out, and he makes a face at who it’s from: the local conductor. `Shibuya, you've been fined five points for failing to be circumspect within earshot of mortals and another five for being from one of the special wards. Shoo.`

Oh, screw you, but he closes his phone without replying and feels proud of himself for not taking the bait. “Somebody’s grumpy I got more friends than them,” he explains, and he bets he’s right, too. “I think I gotta go, so see you again sometime?”

“Yeah,” she says back, and he wishes he could feel how much she means it here. “Hey, when you talk to your ex, tell him we’re not all hung up on stuff that happened years ago, would you?”

“I got two exes, but yeah, sure,” he says back, and she covers her mouth, almost nudging her glasses. Forgot about Beat, eh?

“I meant – I meant you know the one,” she splutters quickly, and he feels bad for enjoying her embarrassment. “Beat and I talked to him a while ago, and he thought – he thought some weird things, and if he mentions me, please tell him he’s wrong. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” though he wonders. They make their exits as gracefully as they can in the circumstances, and he actually feels pretty good about himself as he heads back toward Shibuya. He wishes he left her to do all the traffic parts, though: there are **way** too many people going in to shop on a Saturday, and with the equinox coming up -- well, he’s glad he’s not a tourist, and he takes his time heading back home, his psi coming back as he gets closer.

Josh is such a fucking asshole sometimes, and he wonders what he did to Shiki, whether he needs to chew him out for it or not. She didn’t **seem** mad, but whatever happened was long enough ago she might have mostly gotten over it, all the UG stuff out of her control, and part of him wishes his friends would join him in the reaper shit. He’s so **lonely** sometimes, and he gets off near Cat Street as he remembers one of the few people who knows what’s going on and who he used to respect.

That’s long gone, but Joshua still respects the guy, and Neku tunes up to find something to punch as he calls Noise to him. Come out, come out, wherever you are, and there’s not much that ignores a reaper officer in a mood, living or dead or just soul. It’s mostly sharks and elephants today, the small fry all crushed into bigger stuff even as he calls it, and he feels like he’s being watched and throws that into his hits, too. He’s one of the most dangerous beings in his town and he’s been that way for a while: just ask the game masters from his game. Or what’s left of them, and Minamimoto leads him to Taboo Noise leads him to fucking _Hanekoma_ and he remembers Joshua’s latest shit all over again.

Dumping him and being wrong to Shiki and a dozen other things that drive Neku nuts, and what’s worse is Neku’s got a meeting next week and he’s gonna have to drag half that shit out of his composer if he doesn’t want to be thrown to the wolf noise. Or worse, to Shades’s old colleagues, and Neku doesn’t even know what kind of people generally become conductors.

“I know you’re watching,” he snaps eventually, and he hears a drawn out sigh as the door to Wildkat opens in the UG but not any lower.

“Ain’t like it’s a secret,” he says back. “You wanna come in?”

“No,” he says, but he walks in anyway, his head ducking in greeting. The guy’s fiddling with his coffee pot, and Neku wonders how much is for show, or if dead people really do like coffee. “How much do you tell your boss?”

“Boss ain’t my boss,” he corrects, and Neku taps his foot, impatient. The texture of the UG changes as Mr H considers him, and he feels it smooth out, Joshua’s fingerprints beyond where he can find. “I can’t keep anything from him if he gets determined, but we’re in private now. What’s up?”

“Tell him I don’t want him peeking out if he asks you about it,” he says, and the guy nods agreement as he sits down. He doesn’t give Neku a coffee, though, and they look at each other for an awkward moment before Neku flushes and pulls some yen pins out. He probably should’ve used yen pins, but Hanekoma takes them and crushes them with his psi as he gets Neku a coffee. Destroying them, he would have thought, but his wings don’t agree and he puts it aside. “Has Josh talked to you lately?” he says finally, and Hanekoma hums confirmation.

“He knows you’re mad, but you still ought to talk to him sometime,” he says back. Neku’ll take his own damn time about it, but the guy’s not pressing him: he only hands Neku his coffee and continues. “Josh ain’t used to waiting for anybody else, so a head’s up and a timeframe for when you might be up for a civil chat’d work wonders. He’s going in circles again.”

Because that’s definitely Neku’s problem, and he makes a face as Hanekoma chuckles. “He got me to agree to a meeting next week, and the only thing he’s said about it is **clothes,** ” he blurts out, and he doesn’t even know if they’re all gonna try to kill him or talk politics or _what,_ because all he knows is they’ll be reapers! And Mr H sits down a little away from him quietly, listening, and Neku hates him and hates Josh and hates himself and breathes and lets it all out, his wings vibrating from where they’re hidden away. “He – did you know he was going to do this?”

Another laugh, and the guy shakes his head. He has to have, but that’s not the point. The point is – the point is Joshua leaving him out of everything _again,_ and maybe they both might like it more if Joshua takes all the hard decisions onto himself, but that’s not what Neku wants. He wants their thing between them to be **equals,** as best as they can manage it, and Mr H is leaning back like Neku’s supposed to find his own solution.

“Josh has no idea what he’s doing with you,” he says, and Neku could’ve figured that much out. Dumping him right after a date doesn’t show much forethought, and Neku doesn’t understand how the guy can plan ages ahead and then act on impulse the moment a thought enters his teeny little city brain. “I told him to cut it off with you, but I told him that the moment I realized he planned on dragging you into the UG by your dick, not – not _recently,_ and the rest was his own fool ideas. He ain’t thinking, 'cause anytime he is, you can ask and he’ll answer, but he likes you and wants you and knows he can’t give you anything you need. That answer it?”

No, he thinks, and also yes. “He’s not the one who gets to decide,” he states, and he really wants to punch the guy for his phrasing. Joshua probably would, too, and the thought’s cheering.

“He isn’t, but he still gets to cut it off if he doesn’t like it,” he says back, and Neku bristles. “Phones, if you Conduct 'cause you like him, we’re all fucked the moment he messes up with you. You gotta love the job before you can love Josh, 'cause that’s all he is, these days.”

Like hell, but there’s no point saying it here. He grunts instead, and Hanekoma rubs his forehead, his sunglasses moving with his fingers. “Josh would’ve turned you down if you asked him,” he says, and Neku jerks up. “I think you knew it, too, else you wouldn’t’ve decided without talking to him first.”

“Shut up.”

“Nobody ever likes the messenger,” Hanekoma mutters, and then he vanishes, leaving Neku alone in his shop. Asshole, Neku thinks, and it’d serve him right if Neku wrecked shit or looked for something worth stealing while he was gone. Not that he’d ever do that, but a bit of him’s tempted, and he gets up to check behind the counter if there’s anything particularly cheap looking.

Ah, there’s some particle board, and he hardens his nails into claws just to scrape in a _Neku was here,_ well aware he’s being childish but vindicated anyway. He kicks over a trash can, too, but it’s empty and he snickers, kind of wishing there was stuff to spill out but mostly amused at how of course there isn’t: _no one goes here._ Mr H pissed off his only customer, and he’s cheerier as he leaves the shop and the UG regains its usual texture, just as complex as Shibuya should be…

Which means Josh is watching again, and he scowls as he feels the familiar edge of someone else’s worry before the guy shows up, his hands in his pockets. Joshua doesn’t do casual well, huh. “Did Sanae do something?”

“Go home, Josh,” Neku tells him, and the guy’s face falls. “I’ll come by later.”

“All right,” he concedes. “… Be well, Neku.”

* * *

What Hanekoma said sticks with him, no matter that it shouldn’t. Joshua and Hanekoma are the kind of people who trick people into things, not Neku, and Joshua wouldn’t have dated him if he hadn’t wanted to. He’s not **like** them, and he heads back to his apartment to sulk by himself for a while. Part of him wants to complain to his friends, but he has the distinct feeling that anything they’d say isn’t what he wants to hear, so instead he plays loud music and paints furiously.

It’s not any of his best work, but the strong splashes of color sure aren’t his worst, either, and it feels to him like he’s doing **something** with his psi. What, though, he doesn’t know, and he glances over at his mural whenever he needs a reminder who he’s mad at.

But he’s not mad at Joshua, not really, and he’s got the whole next week off as prep for the new school year. He won’t be a freshie anymore, and he – he hasn’t talked to his folks about school, but he thinks for a sec and decides he doesn’t want to. He’s out and he’s staying out and he’ll leverage the UG to help him if he has to. Stop worrying about it.

But if he’s not worrying about school, he’s worrying about Joshua, and he sighs and goes to dig through the file cabinets he still doesn’t consider his. They’re his enough he can look through them, but these records are for the conductor, and right now he needs anything that’d help him with next week’s meeting. Can you do that, Shibuya?

His fingers catch on a fold out file, and he murmurs a quiet thanks to the city itself as he takes it out. Inside’s all a bunch of envelopes, neatly labeled by year and season, but the last few are missing and it’s a little hard to breathe. Nobody’s been keeping track of it all properly since – since Shades got erased, but it _feels_ like ‘since Neku died the first time,’ and he rubs his neck.

It’s okay. He can do this.

(He’s so in over his head.)

He picks one from a few months before the guy’s erasure, and opens the tab to look through it. There’s a CD with Shibuya and the year and season carelessly scrawled on in marker, but more than that, there’s a bunch of photos, and about half of them involve Kitaniji himself. He checks the other half first, all simple portraits of people of varying ages (mostly his age or younger), and on the backs of each are what ward they’re from and some notes on how their UG’s been doing and what they wanted to tell everyone. Still in that sloppy handwriting, and a few of the photos have water damage.

This is supposed to be his job now, and the guy who used to have it is dead. … Erased. _Gone,_ is the important thing, and Neku didn’t care too much at the time and he’s not sure he can bother to care about Kitaniji now, but it’s _different_ seeing evidence the guy lived and worked and – partied, presumably, the group photos all friendly even when Kitaniji’s trying to keep some kid from dropping somebody out the window.

And none of it’s useful for knowing what to expect, other than that he’d better not piss off the brat from Sumida unless he wants a fight. He sighs and packs them back away, even the CD: not much point without a disc drive. The larger file isn’t _totally_ lacking in recent stuff – he sees some USB drives with barely legible labels on them, now that he’s looking – but it’s still clear that the last person who gave a shit was a while ago, and he locks it back up with a weight on his chest.

Josh needs somebody who loves the job, not somebody who loves him, but he’s not going to get anyone if he and Hanekoma chase Neku away. _That_ much is clear, and Neku still thinks the guy’s a person. Maybe he’s too optimistic, and maybe Joshua’s long dead, but they’ve got something there, and Joshua left Shibuya for him, didn’t he? It’s not one or the other, and he looks back at his angry painting before stretching.

They need to talk.

* * *

He naps first, something in him wanting to procrastinate, and he knows it’s got to grate on Joshua’s nerves, but the guy needs to learn patience and he’s still in his pyjamas when he tunes up and heads out into the communal hallway, his senses on his neighbours. “Josh?” he calls. “I’m checking in.”

“It’s appreciated,” Joshua says back, and Neku watches him drop through a ceiling tile and down to the ground, then stand up and bow in greeting as he brushes off nonexistent dust. “This isn’t a good place for me. May I come in?”

“No, but you can take me to your place,” he says back, and he thinks he might’ve thrown the guy off. He tries not to smirk as Joshua nods hesitantly and offers him his hand, and the transition might hurt as it always does but _Neku picked it_ and he pulls on the composer’s power to shield him. It doesn’t _work,_ but it does help, and he’s proud as he looks down at Joshua’s face once they’re in the lounge.

But he’s not the only one having a rough day, and his stomach flips. “I thought you might not come,” Joshua admits, his voice and mind neutral, and even knowing Joshua picks most of what he shows doesn’t keep Neku from wanting to pry. “Sanae told me just enough to let me conclude the worst, and even knowing how he is … mm, I’m glad you’re living in my city, Neku.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says back, and he doesn’t even entirely believe himself. Joshua has to notice – there’s no way he doesn’t – but he seems to find it reassuring anyway, smiling a little as he gestures for Neku to take the couch as he goes to cook. Neku sits obediently, the couch sunken down like someone squashed the cushions, and the whole thing makes him feel gangly and out of place. “What are you making?”

“Just ramen,” he says back, and it’s not long before he’s setting down bowls of noodles and broth in front of them both so they can sit across from each other.

“Thanks for always feeding me,” he mumbles, and Joshua’s got that sad little smile again. It makes it abominably hard to stay mad at him, which he thinks might be the point: Hanekoma’s a liar and a total jerk, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Joshua wants him docile, either.

Neku can’t really blame him for that, either, and part of him wishes they were sitting next to each other so they could cuddle properly. They’re not, though, Joshua keeping his distance as he elegantly eats his noodles, and remembering the guy dumped him gives Neku indigestion. “I’d offer to help you feel better, but I doubt you’d appreciate it,” he says, his hand brushing his hair, and Neku stiffens.

“You’re right: I wouldn’t,” he says back, and he glances at the composer. Legs sprawled, his hands near his lap, he looks as thoughtful and ahead of everyone as ever, but Neku knows that smile and knows he’s expecting the worst behind it, like he already knows Neku’ll hate him and is just in for the show, and he doesn’t – he doesn’t understand how somebody who reads minds as much as Joshua can misjudge him so **badly,** and not just once, either. It’s infuriating, and Neku wants to shove him into the cushions and remind him that he can _trust_ him, no matter what happens.

Nothing Hanekoma can do will change that, and his wings twitch as he thinks about how to break the silence. Joshua inclines an eyebrow, his own psi leaking lewd suggestion, and Neku scowls even as his face burns. Asshole. “The meeting next week,” Neku says, his voice as low and level as he can make it. “You’re going to tell me everything I need to know, or I’m not going.”

“I can send a substitute, if you prefer,” Joshua says back, but Neku’s already shaking his head.

“This isn’t about that,” he says, and Joshua pauses. “You can’t – don’t foist off everything complicated on somebody else because you think I might not like it, Josh. You _need_ to tell me things, or this isn’t going to work. Okay?”

A noncommittal hum, and Neku wants to shake him, fuck. Why is this so – “Yes, Neku, _fine,_ ” he snaps, standing up, and he doesn’t need to be tall to be intimidating but Neku keeps his butt parked in his seat and Joshua storms off through the couch to sit on the floor behind it and glare at the fish.

He didn’t leave. He’s throwing a fit, but he didn’t leave, and he wants to punch the air and to punch Joshua all at once. He gives him a minute – and Neku needs it, too, honestly; he hates having to tell the guy off – before sneaking over to the other couch and looking over the back and down at Joshua. Joshua’s got to know he’s there, but he doesn’t react, and after a moment, Neku reaches down to ruffle his hair, too.

He jumps, but then presses up into Neku’s hand, and Neku wonders why he’s so hard to deal with sometimes. “The meeting really isn’t anything important,” Joshua says eventually, and Neku nods.

“I saw the records,” he says back, and the composer freezes again, before imprinting a suggestion for Neku to massage his scalp, too, while he’s at it, and he does, Joshua’s head kind of spongy today. Ridiculous man, and Neku almost wants to point out he’s getting the texture wrong before getting back on topic: “It didn’t look like much, but Josh, you’re making me give a presentation without any warning.”

“Actually, you would have put on a video without warning,” he corrects, but the point still stands and Neku tries to rap his knuckles on Joshua’s vague approximation of a skull. The sound totally sucks, though, and the guy snorts before continuing: “I wasn’t setting you up to fail, Neku: it’s a social function, and _truly_ all you need to concern yourself with is your dress.”

“‘Need to,’ sure, but Josh, there’s a hell of a lot that’s not strictly necessary that I still ought to know,” he says back. Joshua scowls up at him, by now way out of reach of his hand, and Neku thinks Joshua might be considering joining the fish in the tank if it means he can avoid this conversation. “Tell me things; I’m your conductor, yeah?”

The scowl deepens, and then the guy vanishes. Ugh, _fine,_ he thinks, but then he’s reappeared on the couch and flops right onto Neku, heavy enough Neku falls over and ends up on his side with a large dog holding him down. Joshua’s shape keeps flickering, too, but the pressure on him is constant and he tries to push the guy off to no avail.

He’s _being squished,_ dude, but Joshua doesn’t care and lays an imprint on him to relax and lie down until he finally gives in. “Yes, you are,” Joshua says finally, staticking back into human shape once he’s got Neku right where he wants him, and Neku gulps. “Which means you’re mine to train as I please.”

Fuck. “Let me up,” he says shakily, but Joshua’s way too heavy to move and the guy looks down at him for unbearably long before finally releasing him and sitting up on the far side of the couch. Neku sits up, too, heart going too fast from whatever that was, and the damn bastard seems as unconcerned as ever, like pinning him’s a perfectly normal thing to do. “Josh, you --”

He opens his mouth and closes it, not sure what to actually **say** after whatever that was, but the composer waits for him to lose steam before saying anything else. “I’ll train you precisely how I wish to train you,” he says again, and Joshua’s words raise the hair on his neck. “I’m fallible, and will accept your input, but if I say you do not need to know, then you _do not need to know._ You may wish to, and I may tell you, but it’s not necessary, Neku, and I won’t have you – you – you _pushing_ me like this. You may wait, or you may recognize that I am not the only expert on the UG and go around me. You will not demand.”

No, it’s Joshua who demands, and he hates that he keeps keeping _secrets_ like this. Enough that he deeply considers grabbing him and walloping him one, 'cause it’s not like it matters with this guy, but Joshua sticks the tendrils of his psi in: ` You may notice the permission to **ask someone else.**`

“I don’t want to ask someone else,” he says back, but Joshua only raises an eyebrow, implacable. “I want to ask **you,** because you’re my _friend._ ”

“Do you make demands of all your friends?”

“Depends: do you threaten all of yours?”

A huff, but he seems to be seriously considering it, and that’s as much as Neku can hope for right now. “The last time I worked with someone else for the seasonal meeting was with Megumi,” he says eventually, and it’s not really an explanation. It’s the start of one, though, and Neku wonders … a lot of things.

Like if he’s going to get an apology, for one, but Joshua doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and that? That ticks Neku off. “You still don’t get to manhandle me just 'cause nobody else calls you on it,” he states, and Joshua looks at him. Like _Neku’s_ the one who did something wrong; like Joshua didn’t like doing it but didn’t have better options. It makes him sick, but mostly just tired.

Silence, and then more silence. He opens his mouth: _I know you heard me,_ but Joshua finally deigns to speak: “I don’t want to talk to you right now. Not about this, nor anything else important. If you can promise to keep it to topics you need no input on, then I’ll stay, but otherwise I need some time alone, Neku.”

Why, he wants to snap, but he holds it in. “I can go,” he offers awkwardly, but Joshua’s eyes widen and he breathes a sigh of relief.

“Stay, please, as long as – as long as you like. There’s a change of clothes near the jellyfish and you should speak to Coco or Kouki if you have questions about – Megumi’s old duties. I’ll be back as soon as I’m fit to host.”

“Okay,” he says, and the guy gives a small bow before vanishing. “Feel better,” he says anyway, talking to empty air, but Joshua sends him gratitude anyway and he slumps back.

That guy is _such a jerk_ sometimes, and he’s still a bit shaky from Joshua’s latest dick move. He didn’t hurt him, and Neku knows he was antagonising the guy, but it was still scary and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want it to happen again, either, and he thinks Joshua might feel the same. It’s not right.

He’s okay, though, and he takes a minute to just breathe and watch the fish through the floor. Joshua didn’t hurt him, and being a reaper … he thinks he might be getting a sense of how fine you need your control to be for that. He’s not even sore, no matter that Joshua slammed him into the couch, and he laughs a little from stress. God, he’s admiring the guy’s _finesse,_ and he thinks he might follow through on that suggestion. Joshua really **isn’t** the only person who knows anything on the UG, and if Joshua doesn’t want to talk to him, he can talk to someone else.

He slips his phone out as he heads to change into something more presentable, and it occurs to him as he’s texting absently that he hadn’t actually brought his phone. He needed it, so he’s got it, and he finds Coco and Kariya in the list of Shibuya reapers and asks them if they’re up for dropping by. Some shit’s not for phone conversations, and he lets them know it’ll be a bit before he’s here and presentable.

Long enough for a shower? It can be, and he fumbles with his psi to see if he can change the bathroom ceiling. It’s a starry night right now, but maybe he can get … yep, an overcast afternoon, and he feels a bit like he’s outside. Awkward while he’s washing up, but neat, too, and he doesn’t bother gelling his hair when he gets out. Joshua picked out for him a serviceable punk jacket, t-shirt, and jeans, but his pettiness gets the best of him and he finds a completely different tee to wear. Take that, Josh.

He even feels ready for company by the time he’s back out and in the lounge, and he fiddles with the lighting there, too, tired of Joshua’s preferred blue. No, they need real lighting around the couches, and he flicks the switches with a bit of psychokinesis to make it so.

Better. Not perfect, but better.

`Tell the boss to book it if he's there,` he gets on his phone, and then the door crashes open.

 _“I heard there was overtime~!”_ Pinky crows, and oh fuck, does he really have to deal with her, too? He rolls his eyes from his perch at the bar, and the two senior reapers follow her in, much more sedately.

Coco looks up at the change in scenery once she’s swapped out her shoes for slippers, and then she’s levitating so she can see properly. “Our rookie conductor needs tutoring,” she announces, a huge smirk on her face, "and that means _I’m getting a bonus ~"_

“Do you even get paid?” Neku says back, and Kariya vanishes from behind Coco to behind Neku, sparking with a psych, but Neku pulls a shield around him and charges, no defense like a good offense.

The reaper jumps back, his lollipop almost falling from his mouth as he sparks again and wider to shock Neku before he can hit, but Pinky’s behind him now and she’s got her gun. Neku’s outnumbered, but he sure isn’t outmatched, he tells himself, sliding to Noise form to press in as close as possible to dodge Pinky’s blasts and Kariya’s barrier.

But there’s a third reaper, too, and he copies himself over to Coco as he detonates the monkey near Kariya in one go. `Stand down,` he orders, his claws at the reaper kid’s throat, and the other two pause, uncertain. Not Coco, though: her body’s still but her psi sure isn’t and he warps again, sure as hell he doesn’t want to see what she’s gonna pull.

He reforms back in the bathroom, human again and breathing hard, no matter that he’s dead. Why are they even trying to kill him, he wants to wail, but he doesn’t think they’re aiming for erasure. Just training, and he curses Joshua as he locks the door and sticks up the best barrier he can, one of those painful ones like he could manage with Natural Puppy. It won’t last long, but it lets him catch his breath, and if most of the stuff in this place reacts to people’s needs, he tries asking the door what’s going on out there.

It goes transparent just like he’d hoped, and the soundproofing turns off, too. All three of them don’t seem to know where to look for him, but Pinky gives up first, holstering her gun and then pushing her hair back. “I totally could have got him,” she complains, “but _you_ had to look all vulnerable and shit.”

“Wow, because that’s totally not my job,” Coco says back, and she seems proud of herself as she perches on the bar counter, though she is _way_ too young for it. “The rookie’s got to learn ruthlessness sometime, and **I’m** too cute to _ever_ threaten a Player, y’know? The boss totally owes me a bonus.”

“Boss owes me a bigger one if he sends me out again this week,” Kariya says back, sprawling across a couch. “It’s like he’s never heard of vacation days.”

“I miss the old guy,” Pinky mutters, browsing for food, and Neku’s probably safe if he comes out again. He doesn’t, though, preferring to eavesdrop, and she continues: “Least with him I knew I’d get paid.”

Okay, maybe he won’t get anything useful. He pulls the door open and heads back out, as confident as he can manage, because he sure as hell wasn’t hiding in the bathroom. “I’m gonna talk to the composer and make sure he’s paying you fairly,” Neku announces, to general approval. “That **doesn’t** mean you’re gonna get paid for attacking me on a fucking social call.”

“It was training!” Kariya calls back. “ _And_ our week off!”

“You weren’t doing anything anyway!” Pinky’s hand sneaks back to her gun, and Neku’s lip curls. “I see that --” What’s her name again? “-- _Yashiro._ I know I didn’t invite you, either.”

“Well, like hell I’m gonna miss the excitement,” she snaps back, and Neku spreads his wings out, trying to seem big and intimidating. She’s unfazed, but she does give him a wide berth as he strides over to the foosball table to lean against it like king punk of punk city.

The only way he’s gonna get respect here is if he demands it, and he’s whooped the asses of two of these fuckers before and the last one doesn’t fight much. “I’ll talk to – the boss and get you overtime pay if you all get me up to speed on the shit he doesn’t tell me,” he says firmly, and he’s got all their attention now. “If you think you can just pick on me, though? You’re not getting **shit,** Pinky: I am not in the mood.”

“Like you ever are,” she grumbles, rolling her eyes. “Stupid carrot-top.”

Oh, she’s gonna bring the hair into it? Time for a low blow: “I still beat you at tag.”

“Because you cheated!” she squawks, and he just laughs. He laughs and laughs and laughs and he’s not even sure why, but the reapers are **fun** sometimes and Pinky’s face starts matching her hair and the other two seem amused, too, the endless bickering just how it goes with these people.

Yashiro storms off to sulk and drown her sorrows in instant ramen, and meanwhile Coco and Kariya snag places to sit near Neku’s perch. “How much has the boss even told you?” Coco asks, and Neku makes a face.

“He’s got me doing some paperwork and erasing Noise,” he says, and he knows he’s missing half the shit he **should** know about. “There’s a meeting this week he wants me to go to, but last time I asked about it, he threw a tantrum and ran off, so I don’t even _know_ what’s up with that.”

Kariya raises his eyebrows, though Neku doesn’t think he’s surprised, either. “He’s sent me since half the higher ups kicked it when you were Playing,” he says, “and it’s just a gig to prove to his sort that they’re all capable of acting civil and sending their butt monkeys out to show off on their composer’s behalf. Uh, no offense, kid.”

Neku is not a butt monkey, but he knows what the guy meant and lets it go. He can be magnanimous like that, especially with people willing to tell him what’s going on. (… Because they’re gonna get paid, but he shoves that out of his head. He doesn’t need to wonder if Joshua’s buying him friends, because he **isn’t.** ) “What am I gonna need to do?”

“Show up, bring some gifts and a video, then leave,” he says simply. “Takes all of ten minutes if you feel like skipping out like I did, or you can stay for the whole – what, four hours?”

He shrugs: that’s about how long his schedule listed, though he’s sure not gonna check. “You sure that’s it?” he says, suspicious, and Kariya shrugs, too, flipping his hair.

“'s all it was for me. Frankly, I’m judging J-boy for acting like a twit about it, though I can’t say it’s not typical.”

Neither can Neku, really: that guy gets difficult about the strangest things, and he really, really wants to yell at him about now. Coco’s watching him considering, though, and his wings twitch: something about that girl puts him right on edge, and she was creepy even when he just thought she was a reaper on the side of the Players for some reason. She’s just too cheery, and he **hates** cheer. “You really do need training,” she says, and uh oh, noooo he doesn’t, and the downside to sitting on the foosball table is there’s nowhere to back up to.

Yashiro can smell weakness, too, and she scarfs down the rest of her snack and he’s surrounded again. That’s it for the rest of the afternoon: he’s stuck dodging them in between getting lectured on the proper use of psi, and even if they’re teaching him how to teleport on purpose, can’t they do that _without_ trying to kill him? But noooo, reapers like doing things the hard way, and Coco and Kariya quiz him on theory as Yashiro goes after him any time his guard goes down, and it’s both educational and **awful.** Three against one just isn’t fair!

He holds his own, though, and eventually they’re all exhausted around the couches, Kariya smoking a cigarette as the rest of them content themselves with coffee, and Neku thinks his wingspan might be even larger than it had been. Certainly it’s bigger than any of the other reapers’ there, even with Yashiro’s being Game Master-huge when she’s got them out, and they all give him a wide berth.

“Think we justified our bonus, ‘Conductor Sakuraba,’” Kariya says, his finger directing the smoke straight to a vent so Yashiro won’t kill him, and Neku might not like that title, but he knows he’s going to have to get used to it.

He just doesn’t want to. “I never promised you a bonus,” he says back, and Yashiro launches a sugar cube at him with her spoon. He catches it in midair, his psychokinesis a lot better than this morning, and continues: “I’ll tell the composer you all worked hard, but don’t blame me if he turns you down.”

“I’m blaming you anyway,” Yashiro informs him, and he hits her with her own sugar cube. “Hey, no fair!”

“It’s **completely** fair.”

“No, it’s rude!” she insists, her hands on her hips. “ _I_ am your _senior._ ”

“… I outrank you.”

“Temporarily!”

“I still outrank you.”

“Because you **cheated.** ”

“What, in tag?”

“Kids, kids, you’re both lovely,” Kariya interrupts, and they both glare at him. Don’t _ruin_ it --! Yashiro goes a step beyond glaring, though, elbowing the guy in the side, and he’s shoved into Coco, and then all three of them are squabbling, leaving Neku in complete victory.

“All right, everybody out,” he announces, once the fun wears off, and they all stop to give him a look. “I wanna talk to the composer, and I can’t do it with you clowns still here.”

They consider this. “Make sure we get paid,” Coco says, and he laughs. Yeah, sure, he can try, and he waits for them to all leave before sprawling over the couch and wishing his control was good enough to clear out the ashtray without watching it.

`u done moping yet???` he sends Joshua, and it’s only a few seconds before the guy himself is gazing down at him from behind the couch.

“We need to talk.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not Thursday and I don't care #yoloswag The chapter count listed had been wrong because I don't know how to count; the wordcount in the summary is correct.

Neku shouldn’t even be surprised anymore by the guy’s dramatics, but he is anyway, and he raises his finger to direct him over to the other couch before he’ll even **consider** dignifying the guy by sitting up. “I’m not happy with you,” he warns, and Joshua inclines his head in acknowledgement as he walks to where Neku indicated.

“I acted badly today, and I apologize,” Joshua says as he sits down, and Neku sits up just enough to see him properly. “I hadn’t realized that I would – resent Megumi’s absence.”

“Is that what you call it?” he says rhetorically, but Joshua is silent. He pulls himself up the rest of the way, since at least the guy knows he _fucked up,_ but he’s still annoyed and that apology doesn’t cut it. “Fuck you, Josh; don’t shove me around. Run if you gotta, but trapping me like that --”

“You weren’t trapped,” he interrupts, and _excuse me?_ He looks away, but he’s serious, too, and Neku wants to shake him. “You’re perfectly capable of teleporting, Neku; that you didn’t _want to_ isn’t my concern.”

Fuck that, and he says as much, too. Joshua darts a look at him, his arms crossed like he’s considering a full blown tantrum, and Neku takes a deep breath and holds it. “You don’t get to do that,” he states, and Joshua snorts. “You’re the composer and you might be able to squish me like a bug, but you don’t get to remind me, Josh. Not even if I’m not in any danger. I’ll try to leave you alone when you’re being difficult, but you can’t be treating me like I’m Hanekoma.”

A sigh, which isn’t exactly agreement, but at least Joshua’s _heard him,_ fuck. “I’ll restrain myself even when my conductor is making unreasonable demands,” he agrees, and is he **trying** to piss Neku off? 'cause it’s working, and Joshua gets a playful glint in his eyes that’s got Neku alert and ready to run for cover. “You look like today’s been very educational,” he says, and _nope,_ Neku is out of there.

Joshua’s laughing, though, and Neku has to admit this is pretty fun when he knows it’s not going to go lethal. He shifts to his Noise for that automatic familiarity with his psyches, and Joshua changes frequency, too, his shape indistinct but Neku can sure blast it with his decoys as he leads him on a chase through the lounge.

And then the sewers, Neku taking a chance to backtrack over the guy’s head as he keeps his speed going but his direction a mystery, and this would be so much easier if Josh used positive psyches sometimes, too. But noooo, Neku slashes and runs and tears through walls while the composer gets to follow sedately and try to shoot him, and Neku yelps when Josh manages to catch him in an entanglement. No!

`Tag: you're it,` Joshua says, his face way too close after a bout of teleporting, and Neku’d bite him but he’s off again himself, leaving Neku to chase after him.

Which seems like a lot of effort, really, and Neku follows just enough to show willing before heading back to the lounge, shifting to human once more. Loser.

“You were supposed to chase me,” Joshua grumbles eventually, Neku’s feet already up like he was never allowed to do at his folks’ place, and Joshua huffs like it’ll get him the reaction he wants. “Neku, you played with _them._ ”

“And I’m tired now,” he says back, smirking. Joshua keeps pouting, but Neku really **is** tired and the guy gives in eventually, his psi prodding Neku’s into shape as he perches across from him, and Neku melts into the cushions. “I don’t get why you never tell me anything, but thanks for making sure I’d hear from _someone._ ”

A grumble. Neku looks at him sideways: he was always going to want to know, but Joshua fidgets uncomfortably and then looks up at the ceiling, summoning a cloud over him to make it darker as he squints. “I trained Megumi myself,” he says slowly, like it makes a difference. “He wouldn’t have dared to press me, you realize; I like that you do, but – training you isn’t like training him. I hate this.”

Why, he wants to ask, but he thinks he knows and he can’t muster up sympathy for the guy, his predicament all of his own making. Neku doesn’t let him have all the power, but that means _Neku doesn’t let him have all the power,_ and he wonders sometimes if Joshua’ll grow to resent Neku as much as he did Shades.

If Neku’ll be erased without anyone to mourn him, and it won’t be the first time Joshua’d killed him with nobody caring. He remembers the Game, all right: he remembers he didn’t rate any offerings, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. His neck heats from fear and shame, but Joshua’s watching him with a question on his wings and Neku nods consent, letting him swoop him into a hug. “You’re mine,” Joshua murmurs, his power shoring up the weak places in Neku’s own, and he’s wrong for more reasons than Neku wants to think about.

“Josh, why did you dump me,” Neku says back, tired, and the composer only buries his head into Neku’s chest, his hair soft under his chin. That’s not an answer and it barely helps, but Neku pets his head and back anyway as Joshua hums, his body vibrating comfortingly as he eases an imprint into Neku’s head. It’s calm, and safety, and a reminder that he’s loved, and Neku yields to it even though he knows it won’t fix anything.

It’s too hard to stay angry at Joshua sometimes, and he listens with detachment as Joshua keeps nudging him mentally, filing down the edges of his thoughts to keep them from hurting. It’s good – it feels good – and the composer works slowly enough he could stop him if he wants to. He doesn’t want to, though, not until Joshua dares to try touching their breakup and Neku shoves him out in betrayed fury, his wings wide and solid and ready to make a fight out of it.

Joshua doesn’t want one, though, his eyes wide as he fixes his hair from a safe distance, and Neku’s lip curls. He really can’t be trusted with anything, and Neku’s tempted to throw him out of his own house again.

“Touchy, aren’t you?” he says, and Neku flips him off. “I really don’t see why this is a big deal, but if you insist …”

“I do insist,” Neku says flatly, and Joshua rolls his eyes before walking away. To get tea, he explains silently, but Neku doesn’t **want** tea right now. “Josh, I don’t want you touching me and I don’t want you meddling and I sure as hell don’t want you trying to make this blow over, because you? **Fucked up.** ”

“By admitting I can’t treat you like I’m human?” he says, and no! Neku’s not going to let him direct him by his rage, though, and he raises his hand to cue Joshua back over. “Neku, this is ridiculous.”

“What’s _ridiculous_ is you acting like it’s a minor detail,” he snaps, and Neku wants to drag Joshua’s hand away from his face and get him to look at him, dammit! “Josh, you can’t just break off a relationship and expect me to act like everything’s normal.”

“Why not?”

_“What do you mean, why not?!”_

Exactly what he said, by the looks of it, but he waits and thinks and – okay, Neku can admit it – gives Neku time to cool down without any intervention on the composer’s part. Which is great, because Neku might actually kill him if he tried anything right now, and he can’t say he wouldn’t mean it or Joshua didn’t deserve it. “Is this honestly important to you?” Joshua asks finally, and Neku has to rub his forehead himself.

“Uh, yeah.”

“All right,” he says, his hands up like Neku’s the absurd one, and Neku bristles though he’s pretty sure Josh isn’t going to try anything else. “Do you want me to keep my distance as far as you’ll notice, or do you expect me to deny myself the pleasures of your existence until you see fit?”

Oh, fuck. Neku rubs his face, resolutely hoping Joshua did _not_ enjoy himself too much making him food earlier, and don’t tell him if he did, okay? “The latter,” he says, and Joshua covers his mouth in thought. “Look, just …” he tries wretchedly, painfully aware the guy’s not at _all_ like normal people, “can you keep it to stuff you wouldn’t mind with strangers?”

Silence. “I very much enjoy taking care of my people,” he says, looking at an interesting spot on the wall, and … and of course he’s a pervert. “Shibuya natives are _mine,_ Neku: it hardly matters if they might find my pleasure distressing.”

Pervert. _Hedonist._ “Because they won’t find out,” he says blankly, and Joshua inclines his head. Oh, hell. “Josh, just – don’t do anything with me you really like, okay? Not until I’m … until I’m over it. It’s too weird.”

He gets a look for that, but the guy doesn’t argue, only pushes his hair back as he carefully disentangles his psi from Neku’s, a fog lifting that he hadn’t even noticed was there as the world goes a bit quieter and he feels himself tune down a few notches. “Leaving Shibuya again would be easier, Neku,” he says with a laugh, and Neku feels him tug on their pact before that too cuts off, his wings prickling. Joshua takes it worse, though, his body and clothes losing color as he statics up to a higher frequency, and suddenly even being in the same room seems too close, his power crackling now that Neku can sense it enough to notice.

“Tone it down, dude,” he says, so not up for another round of intimidation, but he doesn’t think this one’s intentional. He’s painful to watch as he does whatever he’s doing, and Neku covers his eyes and raises a barrier until Joshua settles, his frequency still a bit _off_ from Neku’s but where Neku could try to match him, if he wanted.

He doesn’t want to. He drops his barrier and gives him the most disbelieving look he can manage, and the guy only laughs and fluffs up his hair as he leans back, totally failing to explain.

Neku’s waiting, asshole.

“Our pact is a source of great comfort to me,” he says finally, still horrendously amused, and Neku wants to give him a noogie. “I can feel where you are, Neku, any time I’d like, and I do so. Often.”

Oh, hell. “ _How_ often?” he snaps, and he so doesn’t want to know the answer. It’s going to be bad and he knows it’s going to be bad and Joshua covers his face, still smiling but it’s the grin of somebody with very little left to lose and this was a mistake. This was _all_ a mistake.

“Never, now, until and unless you tell me I can again, but why would you ever do so? I knew you’d think it’s an invasion, Neku, and I didn’t care so long as I could still feel you here, in my city, and if I went too far, you’d leave anyway. So why should I --”

“Josh,” he says, and it comes out sharper than he meant, but as intended it gets the guy to **stop** and Neku – Neku thinks he wasn’t going to treat them seriously without some pushing, but his psychic shit is probably harmless. It’s definitely not worth Joshua falling into a spiral the way Neku does sometimes, and he waits to calm down before saying anything else. Joshua needs the time, too, his hand going up to fix his hair like he always does, and Neku wants to push him down and mess it up for him but he can’t.

He really, really can’t, and he wants to shake the guy for dumping him and leaving Neku furious and without any good outlets, but it wouldn’t do any good and he knows dating the guy in the first place was a mistake. It’s a mistake he liked making, though, and no matter how angry he is, he still wants Joshua as a friend.

“I can’t hold this indefinitely,” Joshua says finally, his composure back, and Neku closes his eyes. “I can _try,_ Neku, and I will, but I taste the souls of all my city and you’re one of my favorites. It isn’t – I don’t have the self control to not keep track of where you are, what you’re doing. I simply don’t.”

Interesting that he admits it. Neku looks at him again, and he’s nervous, but Neku doesn’t think he’s lying. “You locked yourself out of my apartment,” he points out, and Joshua looks up at the ceiling again, his brow furrowing at Neku’s redecoration as he puts it back the rest of the way. “Doesn’t matter if you’re tempted if you can’t spy anyway.”

He shrugs. “You’re muffled there, not silent,” he says, and Neku really wants to know this shit ahead of time, thank you! “I know you’re there, and even if I can’t hear much else, I still feel you in my city. To try cutting even that off – you might as well be outside of Shibuya. It’s not _right._ ”

“It’d be cheaper for Beat if I moved,” he says, and oh, that was crueler than he wanted, but Joshua only inclines his head. _I didn’t mean it,_ he wants to say, but he kind of **did,** Joshua’s attitude about him unsettling at the best of times. He’s not a pet and he never will be, and he’s not Shades, either. He’s just Neku. A regular person, or close enough, and still not old enough to drink.

But Joshua’s never been normal, has he, and he’s been dead for a long time. “I love you,” he murmurs, sitting on the couch with his knees close to his chest, and Neku softens even if he doesn’t believe it, definitely doesn’t mean it back. Joshua wants it to be true, though; Neku just doubts Joshua knows what love is, or if Neku could spot it himself.

It doesn’t matter. “Hold off for a week,” he says firmly. “Once I’m back from the meeting, you can do what you want and I’ll trust you, but I want you staying out of my head until then, all right?”

Joshua inclines his head, and even if he’s subdued, he’s listening. He’s trying, and Neku wants to trust him, to forgive him for his betrayals. “I can’t promise perfect,” he warns. “I’ll try, but you’re in my city, Neku.”

“Do the best you can.”

“Of course.”

That taken care of, Neku opens his mouth to ask about business, but Joshua’s already gone, Neku’s phone buzzing as he scowls at the empty space.

> I can’t work with you without getting closer than you want right now, so you’ll have to trust my judgement, I’m afraid. Our presentation and the gifts for the other wards will be outside your apartment before you go, and I suggest you dress to impress a group of your peers. The outfit I prepared for you can wait until I get to enjoy it properly, and you’ll be best served by wearing something you’re comfortable in. Be well, and text me if you need anything, as I won’t notice otherwise. I love you.

Yeah, yeah, he’s trying to follow Neku’s wishes, but it’s awfully convenient he’s got an excuse not to do what he didn’t want to do anyway, don’t you think? It doesn’t matter, though, Neku past caring about the stupid presentation, and he washes his face off before he heads home, Joshua not worth getting angry over. Neither is the jerk that steps on his foot as he doesn’t pay enough attention around the station, used as he is to uptuning, and he’s almost embarrassed about having _actually been RG_ for once. He hasn’t even been dead that long!

He gets home still in a bit of a snit, but he stops before entering and takes a deep breath and makes himself relax, part of him wanting to tune back up and clear out all the Noise on this floor. Just because nobody ever runs into him doesn’t mean it’s worth getting mad about, and he’s got a sneaking suspicion he knows exactly why his good luck streak’s broken. Joshua’s a meddler, but he can deal without any meddling just fine.

“I’m home,” he calls as he gets in, and the reply’s muffled but definitely there. He pokes his head into the main room enough to see Beat and get waved at, then goes for the kitchenette, his stomach growling after a rough day without anywhere near enough good food for his taste. Not that he’s really up for cooking, and he starts the water to make himself some shitty ramen before joining Beat where he’s watching online videos. Some kind of science thing showing off weird physics, and the mean part of him wants to call Beat a nerd, though he knows the guy ain’t dumb.

He watches the chain fly up as it goes over the edge of the glass, and it doesn’t make sense to Neku, either, no matter that he thinks he understands the concept. Every action’s got an equal and opposite reaction, but maybe they don’t all come from where you’d expect. “Kinda wish I could grind on that,” he says, and Neku blanches.

“Chain like that’d fuck you up if you fell,” he says back, and Beat gives him a look. “I spent half of today fending off Pinky and Lollipop, okay? I can’t do cheery.”

“You don’t need cheery to not be a dick,” he retorts, though there’s not much heat in it. “What you even need to fend them off for?”

“Training, mostly,” he admits, and Beat nods comprehension. “They weren’t actually trying to hurt me, but they weren’t half-assing it, either.”

“They’re not bad at drilling when they wanna be,” he agrees, and wait, what? Neku flushes all over again about how he’s able to take this lightly and go into it on purpose, but Beat’s not mad and Neku wonders again if he ever could’ve gone UG without messing up what they’ve got. He was a reaper, too, after all, and Neku carefully gathers his psi without tuning up to send Beat what he thinks he needs: certainty that Rhyme is safe, that Neku will stay as safe as he can, that Beat will never have to be willing to kill his friends to save his sister again. He doesn’t know how to sign it, but he thinks Beat knows it’s him anyway, and Beat pulls him into a crushing hug. “Thanks,” he says into his shoulder, and Neku squeezes back.

“I’m not gonna be Shades,” he promises, and he thinks Beat already knows but it’s worth saying again. “I’m not gonna be Josh, either, and I got him trying to act like a normal person, so tell me if he pulls anything, okay?”

“Absolutely,” he says, and he lets him go, leaning back to stretch. “Me and Rhyme spent the day with the 'rents, being a holiday and all, but you haven’t mentioned yours much since we got this place. You doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says, though he thinks about it and they’re being _way_ less clingy than he’d think about him moving back to Shibuya. Actually, he’s not sure how much they even know, besides that they’re not gonna pay for housing this year, and they should’ve walked over or demanded he visit or _something._ The silence is frankly bizarre, no matter how welcome it is, but he has a suspicion: “I think Josh has been keeping them from checking on me.”

He knows the idea should be horrifying, but Neku can’t bring himself to be bothered, and Beat’s silent for a minute as he lets that sink in. “If everything that guy did was that broad-minded, the world’d be a better place,” he decides, and that’s about how Neku feels about it. “Still think you ought to check in, though. New school year coming up, yeah?”

“Already got tuition paid for,” he says back, though Beat’s got a point. “I’m not letting them find out I’m staying nearby, though, unless you wanna push an angry drunk down the stairs.”

He’s joking, sort of, but Beat’s horrified anyway, and what, hasn’t he thought about that shit? Filial piety nothing; Neku’s _already_ a worthless son, and the worst he could do is prove them right. “Nah, man, I’m good,” he says, and Neku takes pity on him.

“I’m gonna get some work done,” and he waits for Beat’s acknowledgement before running off to hide in his room. Fuck, this is why he doesn’t talk about his family. Even with people who know already, he _still_ gets it wrong, and he’s jealous for a moment of what Joshua told him of his own. Making them forget he ever existed sounds good about now: he remembers how it felt to find nothing at Udagawa to mark him, no one wandering the streets looking for him. At least then there’s a reason.

He flops onto his bed and glowers at the skylight, waving his hand as he wills it to change to night, and then he digs out his phone. `Im never having kids,` he types out, then looks at it. Joshua won’t get it, but Neku’s okay with that: he needs a good kick in the ego, and Neku sends it.

The reply’s slower than usual, but still faster than anyone else he knows: `Use condoms. You're still able to conceive with any Tokyo native.` The fuck? He stares at it for too long, then slams the delete button, his face hot. Ugh, and then his phone’s ringing.

He checks, then picks up: “Josh, don’t even joke,” he snaps, _really_ not needing that information, but Joshua only hums.

“I was serious, actually,” he says, though Neku sincerely doubts that. “If you’ve taken up women, please do not --”

“I’m still gay, Josh.”

“Oh.” A rustling sound, and a thunk. Neku wonders what the guy’s doing on the other end, but there’s no sense of him, no mental image of his face or posture or anything, and it’s distressingly normal. “I don’t know why you texted me, Neku,” he admits, but shouldn’t it be obvious?

“My family,” he starts to say, and Joshua hums for him to continue. He doesn’t, though, no words good enough for what he wants, and Joshua sighs.

“They have many qualities, yes, but what one are we talking about today?”

“You don’t have to be such a dick about it,” he snaps, and he hangs up. His phone goes off a few more times with texts as he figures Joshua tries to apologise, but he doesn’t want to hear it right now and his eyes burn as he tries not to cry, uncomfortably certain he’s probably the one who fucked up there, but _really,_ Joshua, what gave you the impression that’s what Neku wanted to hear? He’s such a fucking idiot sometimes, and Neku hugs his knees on his bed as he fumes.

His phone starts ringing after a few minutes, though, and he declines the call before reading Joshua’s texts.

> I’m sorry I offended you. I don’t know what I did wrong, however. Care to enlighten me?

No, and he deletes it. It goes away just fine, and he opens the next one as a pit forms in his stomach.

> You’ll have to say precisely what you’re interested in knowing, but your immediate family is all well, I suppose. Your old room is being used for storage, and I’ve successfully coaxed your dragon into feeding on them any time they try to ruffle through your belongings. It can’t stop them, but they’re learning fast enough you may be able to leave something out of your sight before your uncle finishes destroying his liver.

> It’s irrational of me to worry, but I can’t feel you right now, Neku, not without breaking my promise. Please reply soon.

He doesn’t want to, though, and he stares at the family update without really seeing. That’s not what he wanted to know – that’s not in the slightest what he wanted to know – but he stares at it anyway, hating the idea he even _has_ a dragon. The Noise around his current apartment’s kept quiet thanks to him, and if he had any worth as a child, he’d be keeping his family safe, too. But he doesn’t, and he doesn’t want to, and satisfaction pits in him at his tame Noise keeping them from prying into his life. He’s so fucked up.

` u been keeping them from thinking abt me?` he types out, not really wanting an an answer, and Joshua replies with a simple, `Yep.` So much for that.

He punches a pillow, not even actually _angry_ as disappointed that neither of them are good people, and the worst thing is he’s almost grateful. They **shouldn’t** think about him, nor he them, and Joshua’s been making his life easier in small ways. It’s just awful, and if the situation was any different, he’d be pissed, but it isn’t and he’s trying not to be. ` Thx,` he rams out, and he hits send before burying himself in his pillow and blankets. Fuck.

Misery loves company, though, and his phone rings as he answers it without looking, already knowing who it is. “You make it difficult to keep from worrying about you right now, Neku,” Joshua chides, though he sounds fond, and Neku groans into his pillow. “Do you want me to visit, or to leave you alone? I admit I can’t tell at the moment.”

He glowers at the phone, only belatedly realising Joshua won’t notice, and he’s glad his phone speakers are good enough to not need to move. “Stay home,” he says firmly, and Joshua hums acknowledgement, staying on the line for once. “Think I’d drop my resolution the moment you were here and willing, mood I’m in.”

“Then I definitely won’t,” he says back, after thinking for a few seconds. “I’d have to break my own, and I’d like to think I have enough willpower to last more than a few hours, hmm?” Neku snorts, though Joshua doesn’t react to that in any way he can tell. “Need anything?”

He doesn’t think so, but he mulls it over anyway, since it’s not like Joshua’s going to be able to anticipate him. “I’m gonna visit my family,” he warns him, and Joshua hums lowly. “I don’t want you sticking your head in or nothing, but --”

“Stay RG,” he orders, and Neku thought as much. “Anything you’re thinking of doing, it can wait for my supervision.”

“Thanks. You take care of yourself, all right?”

A laugh, though that’s not agreement. “Be well, Neku.”

* * *

It’s easy to tell him to be well, but it’s a lot harder to listen as he looks up at his family’s building and tries to work up the courage to go in. He can do this.

The drake Noise passes through the outer wall to look down at him, its claws buried in the windowsill, and his wings pick up the way the UG thins around it, soul energy spiraling into his creation’s gullet. He really should erase the damn thing, but it’s not like his family’s apartment was any better off _before_ he made a blue Noise to stake it out. At least he doesn’t think it’s devoured any Players.

` Stay put,` he tells it, and it roars acknowledgement as he tunes down and forces himself to lose that slight grip on the Underground, the world fading into mundane sound as his head starts hurting. Ugh, he hates being stuck in his own head, and he unlocks the front door and takes the elevator before he can lose his nerve.

They’re annoyed he didn’t call ahead first, of course, just as they’re mad he hasn’t been showing up for dinner every night, and just how _has_ he been doing studying art? Any interest in a real subject? No, and no, and it’s actually easy to give them the responses they want because nothing they can do can harm him. Sure, he’s got a year before he’s a full adult, but he’s fucking dead and there’s not a thing they can do about it. They don’t even **know,** and the idea’s hilarious to him this time around. Who even cares? Not him, that’s for sure.

He explains away his faint smile by how much he’s _missed_ them all, surrounded by uni professors and students like he’s been, and they don’t even call him on his bullshit; it’s incredible. Especially without Joshua buttering them up for him, but the dragon Noise pokes its snout in again and his brow twitches. _No, you can’t bite them,_ he thinks, but he can’t order it around without changing frequency and the last thing he needs is to risk reading his family’s minds.

Or worse.

Dinner is a trial, the dragon leeching off his family no matter how much he hopes it wouldn’t, and he thinks he might have made a mistake. The topic inevitably shifts towards why he’s not living at home, and the last thing he wants is for them to know he’s staying within walking distance. He dodges as best he can, saying he’s got a part time job to cover his board – it’s not really a lie – but that shifts into why he’s working instead of focusing on his studies or why he’s not living at home and paying them rent instead or –

He really needs to stay in the Realground right now.

No wings.

No wings, not even if invisibility is the easiest escape.

No Joshua, either; he doesn’t need Joshua’s help to deal with his own damn family, hell.

Deep breath, cold rage, and he picks up the table with the scariest smile on his face and asks them if they’d like to speak one at a time. _Politely,_ please, and they’re thrown enough by his inhuman strength that they’re blessedly silent as he sets it back down, none of the bowls disturbed because he can lift the whole damn thing at once. He steps out of the dining room and into the hallway without losing his eerie calm, giving them all a bit of privacy, and **then** he hops up a few notches, his hearing and psi picking up their gossip about how terrible he is.

` Do what you will with them,` he texts Joshua, figuring the guy’s smart enough to figure it out himself, and then he pulls himself up a bit more to teleport back to his own apartment, still smirking like he’s got nothing left to lose.

* * *

It takes him a while to calm down, but calm down he does, his headphones on as he pulls out his drum set and plays harder and louder than he ought to, rhythm evading him until he takes a break and stretches and steps out to check the room’s supernatural soundproofing. It’s working just fine, or at least his neighbors aren’t noticing anything, and he settles in more comfortably knowing nobody’s going to chew him out.

Beat checks in on him later, his head poking through the door, and Neku glances over. “You okay? Ain’t seen you all night, and there’s rice in the steamer, so …”

“Been better,” he admits, turning to him, and Beat can come in if he wants. He does, his eyebrows up at just how much space Neku’s got, and it’s a little embarrassing. He hasn’t turned into a total slob, but he’s got more stuff on the floor than Beat has floor, and he flicks his hand and psi to move his laundry into the hamper. He’s showing off a little, he knows, but Beat doesn’t freak out or anything, just rubs his neck like he ain’t sure what to say.

Neku doesn’t know what to say, either.

“You really think all that stuff’s worth it?” Beat asks quietly, and Neku shrugs. It has to be, because he sure doesn’t want to figure out how to live like a normal person, and Beat bites his lip. Maybe he gets it.

Maybe he doesn’t, and Neku really is going to lose him. “Tomorrow I got a meeting,” he says, not answering the question, and he doubts Beat expected him to. “If … if I’m gonna change my mind, you’ll know after that.” Or if they all erase him, and fuck, he’s turning into Joshua. It’s probably not even a real possibility, but _what if._

“Right,” Beat says, and Neku’s so thankful that guy can’t read minds. “Good luck, Phones, and I – I hope you’re happy, however it turns out, yeah?”

“Thanks, Beat.”


	12. Chapter 12

The morning sucks. He knew it would, butterflies in his stomach about dealing with murderers, and even the standard refrain of _they’re already dead_ doesn’t make it feel okay, responsibility terrifying when it’s on his shoulders.

Joshua is his friend and Neku trusts him. It won’t be difficult and it’ll make Shibuya look good. Hell, he’s barely expected to do anything, but he knows the rest of the Tokyo conductors didn’t just fall into the job the way he did and he can’t shake the feeling he’s going to need the weapons Josh talked about getting him.

He’ll be okay, and he heads out early to convince himself of it, the warm April air fresh with salt as he jogs and lets himself just listen to the city, all the people going about their days. He likes them, he really does, other people’s petty problems reassuring in their own ways, and he tosses advice at a few of them, though he’s no idea if it’s _good_ advice. At least he’s trying, and his frequency edges up as he keeps himself from breathing hard, the UG letting him patrol faster than any normal human.

And he _is_ patrolling, he realizes, the streets of his youth more his than ever, and he clears the orange Noise plaguing a cashier before getting himself a snack at a combini, tuning down and converting a few pins into yen. He doubts it’s real money, but it shouldn’t disappear from the till, and he walks slower as he savors his cheap boxed lunch. Not like he’s had that many real ones to compare it to, but at least the combini ones are good, yeah?

He’s not the only one up there, though, and every once in a while a reaper’ll stop what they’re doing to see if he needs anything, their minds hidden from him by Shibuya or Shinjuku or Setagaya, but he lets them all go, not willing to impose. Even if some of them _are_ out of their home neighborhoods, and it bothers him that he notices and cares. It’s not a big deal, he tells himself, and he moves freely around Tokyo himself: he really shouldn’t be getting territorial.

But it’s his territory, and even knowing none of the Tokyo reapers have assignments doesn’t mean he wants them running around. He pulls himself up higher so they won’t see him scowling, then slips into his Noise form to climb onto a storefront, satisfaction pooling in his wings at Shibuya’s cultural dominance. He’s going a little insane, he thinks, but he can’t bring himself to care: it feels **good** to be petty.

He really is turning into Joshua. Fucking hell.

He shifts human again and hops back down, looking for somewhere good and secluded to tune down without anyone noticing, because that’s just embarrassing. He can deal with being an undead weirdo, but one Joshua is too damn many and _ewww._ ` This is your fault,` he texts, stepping between two buildings just to tune down and come back out, just like he’d had a transformation sequence.

Joshua’s quick to reply, but not faster than human the way Neku’s used to, and he slinks off to the side so he won’t block the sidewalk. `I don't see how,` he texts back, like he needs to have done something to be responsible for it, and Neku smirks as he types back.

`its always ur fault josh`

`I haven't even been watching you. How is it my fault?`

Answering would require _explaining,_ and there’s not much to explain, so he switches to the emoji keyboard and sends a whole line of tomatoes, making actual sense not high on his priorities. Joshua replies with grapes, like that means anything, but Neku’s got a trump card: he types a dog and writes ` <- u know its a bad dog cuz its u`

`Hachiko says I'm perfectly well behaved, thank you.` Like Hachiko even is able to have an opinion: he’s dead and a statue, but he guesses that if he’s real enough to get Noise, maybe he can share his opinion.

`hes biased,` Neku says back, 'cause it’s not like Joshua’s going to agree that a dead dog’s opinion’s worthless. `u need to ask a different dog.`

`I'm afraid Hachiko's opinion is the only one that matters.`

Liar: there’s got to be other important dogs, but Neku can’t think of any, so maybe Joshua wins this one. `im bored,` he admits, but he doesn’t get the immediate gratification he was hoping for.

`There's not much I can do without cheating, Neku.`

`its been nearly a week. eithr u learned ur lesson or u wont.`

`Hmm.`

Nothing happens for a while, and Neku nearly gives up and goes back to walking rather than look like a teenage lowlife, but he’s glad he didn’t: the dense psi he feels coalesce on a frequency way above his current one would’ve knocked him flat if he was moving, and even mostly RG he wants to run, put as much distance as he can between him and the thing as loud as the district itself. _Exactly_ as loud, and he tunes up a few notches to give Joshua a comparison point, the heavy presence carefully trimming back as his head goes fuzzy, his wings distributing the stress.

“That was unpleasant,” Joshua says from nowhere, his tone meant to be light, but his voice has an unpleasant reverb and Neku tries to swat him down, his vague hand motion carrying enough of a psyche that he feels a hit connect. It doesn’t do any _damage,_ though, and Neku’d be embarrassed over attacking the guy if he couldn’t sense his amusement, Neku not the least bit threatening, or at least not without trying.

“Josh, I need you RG,” he says tiredly, and the guy sinks low enough he feels inanimate before finally bouncing to the right frequency, a faint smile on his face like this is perfectly normal.

“I hadn’t done this on my own before,” he admits, flipping his hair back, and he didn’t do it alone just now, either. Joshua catches that thought easily and beams at him, moving in close, but Neku steps back and Joshua tilts his head.

He can feel the composer pulling them into the background, making sure any people nearby wouldn’t notice them, but Neku doesn’t want to need it and he looks down at him, face stern. “Down, boy,” he says, though he can **feel** Joshua wanting to cling to him as always, and he raises his finger when the guy thinks of objecting. “You dumped me, so no jumping.”

“My conductor belongs to me,” he says back, but he doesn’t try to hug him, so Neku leaves it. Briefly, at least, but while Neku wanted company, now it’s hard to remember why.

This guy’s such a pain in the ass, and they have a little bit of a stand-off before Neku relents: “I’m grounding you again if any of the guys tonight sound like normal people,” he says, and Joshua raises his eyebrows. Neku’d really like to ruffle his hair like it’s normal between them, so agree, and –

Joshua doesn’t, of course. “That’s a false equivalence,” he says. “Shinagawa only changed hands last week; their composer is practically an infant. Ikebukuro goes through conductors like your friend does curry. Arakawa’s conductor doesn’t even live in the right ward. Koutou --”

“I get the picture,” he says, raising his hands in defeat, and Joshua’s smirk gets that extra layer of punchable smugness. “How about if any of 'em a bit like you keep their paws off their conductors sometime, _then_ you gotta practice more,” he tries, and the guy shrugs.

“That won’t happen,” he says back. “I’ll accept, if you insist, but Neku: **every** composer wants their reapers unfalteringly loyal to their districts, and I don’t have that assurance from you. Oh, perhaps it doesn’t matter, but you shouldn’t make too many demands unless you want me to do the same, hm?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. “Joshua,” he starts, but the guy’s already tuning up, his hand outstretched in a _come and get me_ pose, and Neku’s inclined to refuse but right now he wants a fight and he shifts up himself, his human form annoyingly hard to hold onto.

The composer brings them to a noise plane, and he feels the area static and shiver as Joshua decides a quiet back street is no place for a fight, the background shifting to the painted rendition of the 104 building that passes for a throne room. Neku glances around as the guy sketches it all in, and Neku’s fingers lengthen into claws as he considers tossing in his own alterations. No, he tells them, he’s staying **human,** but his wings twitch and the composer’s floating a respectful distance away on the other side of a crosswalk.

“Reapers traditionally go first,” he says kindly, like Neku’s anything like a real reaper, but he’s limited without his pins and – ah, there they are. His full whole set, right where he can call them.

“Terms?” Neku says back, jiggling a few in his hand, and the psyches tickle his fingers. He knows exactly what he wants to do; the only question is if Joshua’ll steal it from his head before he’s got a chance.

Joshua takes a second to think about it, but they both know he already had some in mind. “If I win, I want you at my feet swearing loyalty to me with my hands in your wings. Not today, obviously, but soon.”

The fuck. “Josh, you cheat,” he points out. “I’m not giving you that when I know you don’t play fair.”

“Even if catching me at it is an automatic forfeit?” he offers, and no, that’s still fucked up. “I’ll offer you a participation prize in addition to your own victory condition, if it helps: three orders to Sanae of your choice, though I’d like him still existing afterward.”

He’s not even offering anything he’d do himself, and Neku shakes his head. “That is one lousy ass forfeit,” he says, though he’s sure Joshua means it, and maybe he can hold them over that fucker for a while. “What do I get if I _**win,**_ Josh?”

The guy hums as he rubs his chin, thinking. “You could drag me out of my home again,” he offers, like Neku wouldn’t do that anyway. “At your own pace, not mine, so long as it doesn’t impact my Game.”

“How far?” A shrug. “I’ll take it,” he decides, because it’s not like he has better ideas, and Joshua gives a polite half-bow. Neku’s already on the offense, though, a squeeze of a pin letting him ignite the whole arena, and he charges at the composer as the guy protects himself with a watery barrier.

But water heats to steam, and Joshua’s much more comfortable with air than Neku’s ever been, the barrier evaporating and clouding his vision as Neku’s wings tell him Joshua’s already gone. But where? He looks around with both eyes and psi and the ground caves in under him as a hand grips his ankle and keeps him from flying off. He stomps down to get the guy before he can teleport off again, but he only grazes him before he’s let go and has to float upward, the asphalt now fluid.

“Gotcha,” Joshua says behind him, and Neku throws a lightning bolt without looking. “You’ll have to be faster than that!” he calls, now to the left, and all right, Neku knows exactly what this guy’s going for. If he needs speed, his noise form’s got that and more, but the composer’s got no reason to let him get in close and he kicks off the air as he calls up some entanglements to keep the guy running where Neku can keep track of him.

That’s the idea, anyway, but Joshua’s got his phone out and Neku’s left running himself to not get squashed. Fucking cars: apport pins were _never_ this good when Neku tried them, but the distraction lets Neku score a hit in as the guy teleports right into a chain. Ha!

No time to celebrate his point, though, because the world explodes in petty revenge and Neku bolts up to a higher frequency. He’s clear, he thinks, but Joshua stays right where he is and the UG drops him down, gravity not only back but overwhelming as he’s dragged back down to Joshua’s frequency without any ability to move. “Out of bounds,” Joshua says sweetly, dropping to the ground himself before walking up to him without a care in the world. “I’ll let it pass this time, but it’s rude to leave the field of engagement, hm?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Neku grumbles, his face in the pavement, and he’d try to get up but he really can’t move enough for that. Joshua kneels down to ruffle his hair just long enough for Neku to really want to pummel him, then strides away as Neku gets the ability to move again. “If you want me to follow rules, you’re gonna have to say them first,” he says, rubbing his face, and Joshua shrugs.

“I’m letting it pass this time,” he says again, and he brushes his hair away from his eyes before bouncing on his feet. “Are you ready?”

Ugh. “Yeah,” he says, though he isn’t, really, and Joshua goes airborne again, letting him take the offense once more. How is he even supposed to – and it comes to him. He isn’t. He stays exactly where he is and focuses his psi on keeping the area around him **his,** the ground crackling as he claims it. It doesn’t matter what Joshua plans on doing if his psi can’t get a foothold, and the guy takes out his gun and shoots at him, the bullets carrying enough of a psyche they’d sting, but they don’t even get close, their momentum fizzling out once they’re within his territory.

“Well done,” Joshua says, clapping. “Almost like a real reaper!”

Asshole, he thinks, and he nearly cedes his ground as Joshua warps close and rubs his foot in Neku’s space, the accompanying psych electricity in his teeth. He can tell Joshua’s not using his full strength, only enough to wedge a hole in, but he can’t hit him without letting go, and he grits his teeth even as his hair stands on end.

“You’re forgetting something,” he says, almost kind, and a flock of crow noise form out of the air and go for his face. Neku tries to protect his eyes, but the distraction works and he loses his grip just enough for Joshua to slip in and claim it all, sucking him down to the ground once again. “You’re not going to win, you know,” he adds, waving his hand for the noise to settle, and Neku sticks his tongue out.

“Don’t have to,” he says, banishing one that tries to land on his shoulder. “I just gotta catch you doing something I couldn’t.”

“Mmm, assuming I’d risk that.” He kneels down close and reaches for Neku’s hair, stopping before actually touching to see if Neku wants to bite his hand off. He doesn’t today, and so the guy pets him, massaging his scalp and brushing against his ears as Joshua’s eyes close, apparently enjoying petting Neku as much as he likes to be pet. “I’m not intending on asking much of you,” he adds, and it occurs to Neku he could go for a sneak attack. He doesn’t think Joshua would insist that’s against the rules – it’s not like he’s been pushing Neku to _play fair_ – but he doesn’t want to, painfully aware Joshua likes giving him a fighting chance.

Or he just likes playing with his food, and Neku swallows around the lump in his throat. “You want to **own me,** ” he points out, and he wonders how much Joshua’s messed with his head that he didn’t run a long time ago.

“I’m a god, Neku.”

Of course he is, and Neku hates how Joshua’s at eye level even as he’s being condescending, hates how the guy’s been playing him like a fiddle the whole time he’s known him, hates that he’s not furious with him even knowing that, because Joshua’s not even trying to be cruel. He wants Neku to want him, and Neku’s throat goes dry. “Josh,” he says, and the guy pulls him back up.

“I forfeit,” he says, clear and easy, and Neku grabs his shoulder before the guy can _run away again,_ predictable in his cowardice once he’s gone too far. His eyes flicker to Neku’s hand just long enough to show he’s thinking of bolting anyway, but he’s calm as he looks at Neku and it’s enough to get Neku to take his hand back. “I put it to a bet because I knew I’d win; you’d consider that cheating, wouldn’t you?”

It’s not like it’s new news Josh can kick his ass if he feels like it. “Yeah, but I’ll do it anyway,” he says honestly, and he thinks Josh might bite his head off. “This isn’t weird for composers, right? You’re not just dicking with me?”

“No, it’s not unusual,” he agrees absently, his brow furrowing, and Neku has the distinct impression he’s two words away from getting either thoroughly laid or the snot kicked out of him, depending where Neku goes with this, and he’s not really in the mood for either.

Well.

No, he’s still mad. If Josh wants him that badly, he can **grovel.** “Right,” he says. “I’ll ask the guys tonight, but if they don’t think it’s weird – well, it’s the weekend, right?”

“I wanted to take my time with you,” Joshua agrees, and Neku nods, decisive. He doesn’t know what Joshua will do, but he does know he trusts him, and the guy – the guy has a conscience when he has to. He won’t fuck with him in a bad way.

Neku feels the guy still thinking about it, trying to decide if Neku’s serious, and his wings twitch uncomfortably as Joshua prods him with his psi. Testing him, he realizes, and he yields easily as Joshua takes what he wants from his head, the composer grabbing out his mood and how he spent the past week as he settles. It’s invasive, but it isn’t meant badly, and Neku clears his throat. “We’ve got a few hours,” he points out, and maybe if he uses his words, Joshua’ll remember to, too.

And he does, though he takes his time about it, lingering in Neku’s thoughts as he tastes Neku’s soul, and Neku has the distinct feeling he’d lick his lips like a satisfied gourmet. “Let me clean you up,” he says finally, though Neku’s already clean. “Your hair’s getting long, and I’ve always thought you could do better than a mullet.”

“It’s better than _your_ mop,” he snaps back, though he does need a trim. “Fine,” he concedes, and Joshua purrs approval.

The guy ought to be a cat, not a dog, but he’s got no sense of shame as he conjures a door and leads the way without a glance back to see if Neku’ll follow. He does, of course, but it would serve him right if he didn’t, and he blinks uncomfortably as they enter the bathroom, a tall chair now in front of the mirrors and the fish tanks out of sight. “Sit,” Joshua says, and Neku makes a face, though he does obey.

Joshua’s right at eye level the way they both are, and the guy opens his hand as a damp towel drops into it for him to grab. “I’m not going to change your style,” he says, “but you ought to be presentable _without_ gel, dear, and you simply aren’t.”

“Gee, thanks.” The guy chuckles as he rubs the towel on Neku’s head, not bothering to wash the gunk out, but Neku feels his hair getting clean on its own, the composer skipping as many steps as he pleases. It feels nice, honestly, his wings quivering with the feeling of being home in Shibuya, and Neku grimaces. “You’re imprinting again,” he warns, but Joshua only hums and the peaceful feeling doesn’t stop.

“You’re one of my reapers,” he says, ruffling his hair and taking the towel away, and it only takes one wave of his hand to force it all in order. Neku’ll never admit it, but Joshua’s right: he does look stupid when it isn’t styled. “Your wings know you’re mine, while a living soul – mm, you could feel I’m dangerous. Suffice to say, I’m not doing anything.”

Sure feels like it, though, but he doesn’t argue, not even when Joshua pets his head as he hums and draws on a notepad. “Which do you prefer?” he asks after a minute, turning Neku around to show him the sketches, and Neku glances at it before blanching. Oh, fuck.

There’s nothing wrong with the hair style suggestions, some with his bangs shorter as well as the back, but Joshua included ways to style them up, and some are captioned with the cartoon characters of Neku’s youth. It’s not like he ever went to the stylist and asked to be done like Sasuke, but he can tell Joshua’s little smile means he’s thinking about it. Neku’s psychic, too, you know!

“That one,” he grumps, pointing, and Joshua swooshes his hair. “If it’s all shorter, it’ll be less --”

“Anime?” Joshua finishes, and fuck _off._ “Well, you could do worse than looking like Minamimoto, I suppose.”

“I won’t,” he snaps, though he really will. There aren’t many ways to go shorter without going _boring,_ and he’ll just have to stay away from hats. “Josh, just trim my hair.”

The guy hums in reply, but he doesn’t snark any further, and that’s all Neku cares about. He feels the guy’s psi prop his hair up, judging how Neku might style it, and then Joshua’s got a pair of scissors way too close as he snips, catches the trimmed bits, and snips again. Very carefully, he notices, like he’s not sure until he fluffs it up again how it will look, but he imprints what he’s looking at each time he stops and Neku thinks he’s staying honest. He’s certainly not trying to make Neku look like a doofus, and as Joshua works, Neku can see his point.

He did look silly, and more than that he looked childish; he thinks what Joshua’s trying will add five years to his appearance, and he’ll need it with the reapers. Count in Joshua touching up his roots with a bit of muttering as Neku’s hair fixes itself, and he might even look professional.

“I’m done,” Joshua says eventually, stepping away, and Neku takes a few seconds to judge before nodding decisively.

“Thanks,” he says, and Joshua offers his hand to help him down. He takes it even though he doesn’t need to, and the guy softens at him, fond enough Neku pulls his psi away to keep from getting blissed out by him. He scowls at the guy, making sure he knows Neku’s caught him at it, then heads out to the lounge, the composer following behind. “They don’t have a dress code, right?”

“Why, were you going to be Conductor Pants on Head?” Oh, fuck off. “No, Neku, we don’t standardize these things.”

Good, Neku thinks. He’s in no mood for surprises like that, and he tries not to flush when he notices Joshua’s still watching him, has been for a while. “You can stop admiring your work now,” he says dryly, and then it’s Joshua whose ears go pink, caught out.

“It’s my job,” he mutters, and he flops down on a couch, his arm covering his face. Neku watches him, a bit wary, then takes the spot next to him, wincing when Joshua goes straight for a game of footsie. He kicks the guy’s ankle hard enough even the composer ought to feel it, but the guy stays pressed against him, his wings out just enough to brush his mind with his faith in Neku. That Neku’ll forgive him, or he won’t; that all the conductors of Tokyo will respect him as somebody who can fake an interest in the shit that goes on. It’s a long shot, but Neku doesn’t want to shoot him down, and the guy silently sets some jewelry in Neku’s lap.

“What’s this?” he asks, but Joshua only sighs, and Neku slides his fingers over the dog-shaped pin Joshua just gave him. It’s Hachiko, because of course it is, but he thinks it’d look good on a lapel, and the psi of it – it’s not a player pin, but it’s still the composer’s, and he tests the psyche as Joshua leans in. It lengthens into a staff, weightless and firm, and he catches it with both hands before waving it experimentally. “I can’t use this,” he points out, and Joshua quirks a smile.

“Neither can I,” he says, and he reaches out to take it back. Neku hands it over, and Joshua grabs one end with both hands, swinging it a little. It’s just a stick, but when he points it at the dartboard deliberately, the dartboard moves with it, fast enough he moves the staff a little and it crashes through the wall. Neku wolf whistles, and the guy throws the dartboard over to the other side of the room with a slight movement, this time breaking the jukebox. “You should practice outside,” he adds, returning it, and Neku’s left wondering if he’s serious as Joshua flickers over to the wall to survey the damage and will it whole.

He really doesn’t know anything about stick fighting, but he points it at the foosball table and holds it just long enough to know it’s under his control before releasing it and aiming at Joshua. The staff tingles in his hands, but he can still grab the guy with his psi and send him through the couch and into the wall soundlessly, the composer too incorporeal to crash. “Must you?” he says, his face sticking out of the wall only halfway, and Neku pulls him back in, his feet phasing through the floor until Neku raises him up and lets him fall by himself.

He’s so _floaty,_ and Neku’s tempted to do it again. He doesn’t, though, relaxing his focus as Joshua dusts himself off needlessly, and he waves it around the way he has mops.

Joshua clears his throat. _**"Outside,"**_ he repeats, and Neku wilts. It’s gross out there, but Joshua’s the one who’ll have to fix any damage, and he gets moving when the guy taps his foot meaningfully.

At least he’s waiting for me to move my own ass, Neku thinks dismally, getting his shoes on, and he glances back at the bar before stepping out.

The sewer actually doesn’t smell bad like this, and it takes Neku a bit to realise why: he’s not breathing. That’d explain it, and Joshua conjures up a concrete perch to sit on as Neku eyes the frog noise. They’re all some of the stronger varieties, and that Fifenfrog needs to **go.**

It’s in one of the further away batches, but Neku points his staff at it and it feels like he’s clicking and dragging on one of the shitty school computers, laggy but **moving,** but he’s got it and he slams it straight through a few other frogs as they dissolve. The Fifenfrog holds on, like the little bastard it is, but whap whap whap onto the ceiling and through the noisy Shibuya River and he can feel the damn thing taking damage, no matter that his partner’s no help.

He’s a _reaper;_ he doesn’t need a partner, and he pulls it close enough to whack it with his staff like it’s a baseball bat. Positive psych, he realises belatedly, but the ricochet as it goes flying sure isn’t, and it dissolves, leaving him with the sound of Joshua clapping.

“Oh, fuck you,” Neku says without looking, and the guy stops.

A pause, as Neku feels him start to speak, and then his wings twitch and he turns. Joshua’s face is as smug as ever, but his psi betrays him, and Neku has to laugh: the guy _really wants_ to say the obvious comeback like he’s a middle schooler. “It’s hardly my fault you’re the most beautiful person in the world,” Joshua says, sulking. “Though I did help.”

“Only you, Josh,” Neku says back. “Only you would _flirt passive-aggressively._ ”

“I could try just flirting, if you’d like.”

“I’ll pass, thanks,” he says, but he does gesture for Joshua to come over. The guy hops down and does, supremely unconcerned with anything and everything as Neku watches static dissipate around his feet, and Neku waves his hand, hurrying him closer. No, closer, and Neku kisses the guy’s forehead as their wings flutter.

He’s so much the same as he was in the Game, but he’s changed, too, and he thinks the Joshua of even a year ago would’ve run. Instead, he’s holding still, letting Neku do what he wants, and Neku tilts his head up to kiss him properly. He’s not unwilling, Neku thinks, but he’s more passive than he’d’ve been, careful not to overstep, and Neku opens his mind, pulling him into it. _That_ gets him going, Joshua’s tongue as overeager as always, and Neku tries to get him to slow down as he feels the guy’s sticky fingers in his head, wanting everything, wanting to know everything.

It’s enough for Neku to worry the boundary lesson didn’t take after all, but Joshua doesn’t go for that week apart, instead rifling through Neku’s concerns like he’ll put them in order afterward, and Joshua’s hands are digging into his back just below his wings. Not taking, not quite taking, but close enough Neku imprints him with his irritation and goes for the composer’s own wings as his staff dissolves into a pin on his lapel.

The guy yields into it easily enough Neku knows he’d’ve hoped for it if he dared, and the poofy feathers white out his psi for long enough he’s got afterimages, painfully aware of every person in Shibuya until Joshua eases it down, slips out of the kiss and into a simpler embrace, nudges him to keep petting and to take it back inside.

Neku doesn’t even have to think about it for them to move, the composer perfectly capable of moving them both, and it doesn’t even hurt as Joshua flicks them both onto the couch and the door locked. Shibuya is theirs, Neku’s as much as the composer’s, and he loses track of time as he helps Joshua sort out thousands of people’s little worries, none of them strangers right now with Neku glimpsing into their lives.

He’ll be frustrated later, he knows, with the invasion of privacy and the ease with which Joshua gets him to do what he wants, but that’ll be later, and for now they’re both content.

* * *

He’s muzzy when they drop out of it, an hour and a half before the meeting, but he’s not the only one, and Joshua looks up at him blearily, his body entwined around Neku’s in a way that’d be painful to anyone else. It hurts to look at, too, Neku knowing damn well normal people don’t bend that way, and he elbows the guy until he deigns to obey physics and biology. He feels the composer concentrate his power, and then Joshua’s sitting next to him like a normal person, his wings away.

“That was nice,” the guy says absently, and Neku pokes him. “ _Really,_ Neku, don’t fish for compliments.”

“I’m not fishing,” he says, though he is. What he wants, though, is some assurance that this all means something to Joshua, that it’s not empty words meant to mess him around. But he’s got that, he thinks, or Joshua tries, and he’s got to actually do something with the evening.

He sighs, and Joshua brushes his hair back for him. “No one expects tact from a young conductor,” Joshua promises him, sending him … a memory? No, _Shade’s_ memory, lifted from his head and kept by the composer, and Neku shivers: Kitaniji speaking to other reapers, remembered mostly by ward and length of service, and it’s just gossip about reapers who take after their composers too much, but it’s _somebody else’s experiences,_ and Joshua both has them and shares them like it’s easy.

He doesn’t like the reminder he’s not Joshua’s first, that Shades was a real person. But he thinks he understands, and he watches as Joshua gets up and packs him a bag: snacks and presents and a little USB drive in a zipped up pocket. It doesn’t take him long, everything coming to his hands when he wants them, and then he’s handing it over to Neku and pulling him close for another kiss.

Neku doesn’t bother with tongue; he keeps it chaste, then leans on him as he stands up. Joshua really ought to have filled out by now, but that impish look on his face would be strange on anyone older, and Neku doesn’t look away from him as he lifts up the bag. “I won’t be disappointed no matter how it goes,” he says, though Neku thinks he’s trying to dispel his own nerves as much as Neku’s. “If you return to me without having spoken to a single Tokyo reaper, you’re still the one I picked.”

Yeah, and he didn’t take no for an answer. “Josh, I’m just going across town,” he says kindly, and the composer huffs. “I’m not going to get lost.”

“Megumi always stayed out late,” he says, like it explains anything, and Neku gives him a quick hug. He’s really got to go.

“See you, Josh.”

A hum, and: “Be well, Neku.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This right here is what I have actually been waiting to get to this entire fic series and I couldn't wait. I hope this is at least a fraction as fun for you as it is for me; please tell me your thoughts!!

The subway isn’t any more complicated than usual, and he’s only going to Tokyo Station. Still, staying downtuned makes his wings itch and his head hurts each time he changes wards, and he wastes no time in changing frequency again once he’s off the train.

The Chiyoda UG doesn’t welcome him the way Shibuya does, not that he expected it to, but the sidewalks are decorated with lights and streamers and it doesn’t take a genius for him to find his way around. He feels kind of silly, honestly, a punk kid around Marunoichi on a Friday night, passing up party districts for weird salarymen, and he’s glad no one else sees the garish Noise making it damn clear where the conductors are hanging out.

Not even any regular reapers are around today, and he follows directions to the right building before checking his phone for the room number: 404, on the fourth floor. “Clever,” he says out loud, though it’s anything but, and he heads up the stairs.

He’s just past the third floor when he sees a reaper sitting on a chair at the next landing, her chin on her hand. She looks up when she hears him coming, sitting up like she was totally paying attention, and he tries not to laugh. “Which one are you?” she asks, picking up a clipboard, and he’s almost certain she’d been doodling on it.

“I’m Neku,” he says. “Neku Sakuraba, from Shibuya.”

She raises her eyebrows, and he really hopes he’s not going to get called on this. “Mr Snackies not coming today?” she asks, and he chokes. “What, he dead or something?”

Oh, and you feed him a straight line like that. “He’s been dead,” he says, because he knows how reaper humor works, and she smirks. “Nah, Lollipop – you mean Lollipop, right?” A nod. “Lollipop’s still around; I’m just … the actual conductor.”

Wow, this isn’t even a little awkward.

She digests that, and he can fucking tell she’s trying to decide if he’s lying, and it pisses him off. It’s not his fault Joshua’s a fucking weirdo who couldn’t pick anybody actually _dead already_ to replace Shades, and he’s not even sure he wants to be here. “Did I miss a change of composer notice or something?”

“No,” he says, voice flat.

“All right,” she says, giving him a weird look, and he hefts his bag up. “The meeting’s through there; mind the gap.”

He bows gratefully, and she gets the door for him with a flick of her psi.

She wasn’t joking about the gap, it turns out: going through the doorway feels like swimming through mud, the damn thing mucking with his frequency as he leaves the Chiyoda UG for somewhere that just feels like _Tokyo,_ all the neighborhood distinctions completely irrelevant, and he is seriously not used to going up this high. He doesn’t collapse, but it’s a near thing, and it’s not until he checks to make sure the bag’s still there that he notices he’d shifted to Noise form in self-defense.

A moment later, he’s human-shaped once more, with a pounding headache made worse by all the neon and glitter. _**Xth Annual Spring Tokyo Meeting!!!**_ reads the sign above the table in front of him, and somebody saw fit to tie little flashing fairy lights to absolutely everything.

“Why?” he asks the world at large, but it does not answer. Fucker.

Once he knows to _expect_ a ridiculous amount of twee, all cheerfully decorated with the joys of spring, like cherry blossoms and themed Kit-Kat bars, it’s very nearly bearable, and he looks through the plain cloth boxes on the table for the one labelled _Shibuya._ They’ve only got a handful so far, but Joshua wouldn’t mind if he took a peek, would he? Of course not.

No one’s watching, after all.

He opens up the little present bag from Minato ward and carefully removes the tissue paper, revealing a lovingly wrapped rock. Just a rock, as far as he can tell. It’s not even a _pretty_ rock, and he has no idea if this is meant to be an insult or a diss or what. Did Joshua want a rock? Neku sure doesn’t, but he kind of wants to see Joshua’s face when he finds out the Minato composer got him a rock, and he carefully puts it back as he plays it cool.

He’s a real conductor and absolutely does not snoop on his composer.

That would be wrong.

Besides, he doesn’t know how many of the people around here are like Shades, and he’s not really looking forward to a brawl. For one thing, there might be paperwork.

Josh gave him plenty of presents to deliver himself, too, and he busies himself with finding the right one from his bag for each special ward, which is great, because a sleepy teenage girl walks in while he’s doing that to do exactly the same thing. Close call, even though he thinks that reaper wouldn’t take offense, and he sneaks a glance at her.

She’s handing out her own district’s stuff without even looking. The only way he knows she’s not sleepwalking is her psi feels at least a _little_ awake, and he realises with a jolt that he recognises that neighborhood: that’s Shinjuku.

“Hello, Shibuya,” she yawns, trying to shake herself awake. “Did your composer get our email?”

“I have no idea,” he says honestly.

She digests that. “Me neither,” she says with a sigh, and she heads into the meeting room. He stares after her for a moment, then realises either she’s a lot faster at checking labels than he is or she only brought stuff for half of Tokyo. Either way, he ought to hurry his ass, and he notices one larger present’s simply labeled ‘For Tokyo’ instead of one of the special wards.

Does Tokyo have its own composer, too? It’s probably not his business.

He girds himself to head into the conference room, still a bit bemused, but inside, it’s just a conference room. A bunch of tables arranged so everyone can see the white-board and projector screen, with little folded paper labels next to each chair, and a table of coffee and snacks near the door. The Shinjuku conductor (?) already seems to be pouring herself a cup, and a reaper with a Setagaya nametag is methodically tearing paperwork into little strips to fold origami stars.

A young woman sees him enter, and immediately comes over, clipboard in hand. “Hello!” she says. “I’m the Chiyoda conductor – we’re hosting today – and you would be …?”

Of course she is. You’d think the fact he’d had to go to _Chiyoda_ would be a clue, but if it wasn’t, her dress sense would definitely betray her: sparkles and flowers, complete with little light-up earrings, and his head hurts just looking at her. “Neku Sakuraba,” he says, already tired. “Shibuya.”

“Oh, you’re the successor to that delightful young man with the headphones!” What. “I was wondering when your composer would replace him. Kariya’s a good sort, very responsible, but he’s such a _harrier,_ you know, he never even showed up on time, but you …!”

“Stop harassing the newbies,” someone else calls, and Neku turns to her gratefully. She’s about his physical age and height, with a confidence he wishes he had, and she raises her palm as Chiyoda’s sharpie lifts up on its own and writes out `Shibuya` on a nametag. Neku scrambles to claim it and sneak away, but Chiyoda and – Bunkyou, apparently – keep bickering over him and it’s not until another reaper walks in that they get distracted enough for him to escape.

Thank you, donuts. He loves you, donuts. He’s not even that big on donuts, but the donuts aren’t going to drag him into conversation, and neither is Shinjuku with her attention on her phone like that. Some guy who doesn’t even look old enough for middle school slinks past him and holds his finger up for Neku to be silent, and Neku munches loudly as he pours an entire bottle of whiskey into the coffee pot.

Shinjuku pours herself another cup anyway.

Neku considers his options, then takes some, too. It needs sugar – a _lot_ of sugar – but alcohol can’t possibly make this worse than it is already, and he thinks half the people already sitting at the desks have been pregaming anyway. Somebody definitely smells like it, and he really hopes he doesn’t have to sit next to that guy.

He carefully avoids acknowledging anyone as he finds the seat labelled Shibuya and sits down, burying his head in his arms, but he’s between Setagaya and Nakano and they’re just chattering away. No. He’s not here, he projects, his wings twitching irritably, but somebody throws a paper star at his head and he sends it right back. No.

“Shibuya,” someone hisses. Neku flaps his hand pathetically: leave him here to die. “Hey, Shibuya.”

“Ngggghk.”

Fine: he looks up, and at the table to his right is a guy a bit older than him with ‘Taitou’ on his nametag. “Shibuya, do you like my university.”

“Yes?” he tries. Right: of course the conductor in Ueno would recognize him, and he tries to memorize that guy’s appearance and psi, just in case.

Mumbling agreement didn’t help anything, though, because the guy slides through the table to stand in front of him and pull him up, no matter that Neku’s doing his best boneless impression, and then Neku’s stuck standing next to some guy who’s _way_ too happy. “Hey, everyone, I _told you_ Shibuya had a baby conductor in my UG!”

“You’re still losing,” Bunkyou drawls, and Neku wants to die of embarrassment. He’s already dead, but he’s going to manage it anyway. “You’ve got one, but I’ve had _how_ many?”

“You have Toudai; that’s cheating,” the Taitou conductor says primly, and Neku tries to teleport away, but he’s held too strong. “Besides, fuck people from the prefectures.”

“They only don’t count because you want credit,” she snaps. “Let the newbie go: he’s terrified.”

What? “I am not,” Neku says, bristling, and his fingers stretch into claws as the Taitou conductor hurriedly lets him go. He gives them both dirty looks, then plops down into a different chair and rests his foot on the table like the punk he is, daring anyone to comment.

They don’t, at least not out loud, but Chiyoda sends him a feeling of _intense disappointment_ and he knows a few reapers are silently gossiping over the pissy baby trying so hard to seem badass, and Neku does not care. He doesn’t want to be here and he wants everyone to know it.

Somebody throws his name-plate at him, and it bonks him in the head before he can catch it. He scowls where he thinks it came from, but the conductors from Setagaya and Nakano pushed their chairs closer and let him move without a fight, so he’s not going to push it. Instead, he swigs his coffee, determined to seem nonchalant, and tries not to choke on the weird flavor the alcohol added.

It gets the attention off him, at least, and he fiddles with his phone as his elders bicker. “We ought to start early this time to teach them a lesson,” Bunkyou says, though really they should just cancel.

The Chiyoda conductor glances at her phone, and Neku thinks she’s seriously considering it. “My composer says Shinagawa and Ota will be here shortly,” she announces, a bit dubious. “Has anyone heard from Toshima?”

“Toshima has a cold,” Shinjuku says absently, and he thinks she might be playing a game. Not like he can blame her.

“I haven’t gotten a cold since I died,” says Taitou.

“Hasn’t stopped Toshima,” Koutou says back. “Think he’s lying?”

“Don’t badmouth our colleagues. How would you feel if _you_ had a cold?”

“I don’t get colds.”

“Maybe his composer has a cold.”

“Composers are _way_ beyond colds, dude. Show some respect.”

“Toshima’s just got the flu.”

“Or he flew the coop.”

Chiyoda slams her clipboard onto the table. “Enough!” she snaps. “Meguro, call Toshima on Skype. Edogawa, do you mind doing prep today? The new conductor from Shinagawa’s gotten lost; I’m gonna look for him.”

“Lost _how?_ ” Neku asks, but nobody’s listening to him. Instead, all attention’s on the Edogawa conductor as she pulls out a laptop and plugs it into a cable, then tries in vain to get the projector working. It’s kind of hilarious, actually, reaper tech support involving even more swearing than the normal kind, and Neku watches her create and squash a rabbit noise before the damn thing turns on enough to show a blue screen.

It’s better than nothing, and Neku chews on a donut loudly to hide his amusement, his feet now off the table as he sits like a normal person. “You need any help there?” he asks, but she ignores him, eventually getting it to show her desktop before turning the projector back off to use the whiteboard. He’s half-tempted to see if he can disrupt it with a psyche, but tech like that never needs the help, and anyway he wants to go home eventually. Better to behave.

He’s not the only one with that idea, though, and someone conjures a paint glob purely to splatter over the Edogawa conductor and white-board. “Real mature,” she calls back, banishing it, and she snags a marker to write up the agenda, the presentation order on one side and topics of discussion on the other. First on the list is Gossip, followed by Attendance, Presentations, Scheduling, and Exorcisms.

“Who are we exorcising?” Neku asks, intrigued.

“We aren’t exorcising _anyone_ today,” Edogawa says firmly. “Not even if they really deserve it.” ` Like Chiyoda,` she adds silently, and Neku keeps a straight face.

It’s Taitou who explains, though: “Some of our districts have long-term damage,” he says. “We’ve been taping down the patch job in your ward for a while, now, for instance. You know that creepy mural in Udagawa?”

The CAT mural. Of course it all comes down to that. “Where the Taboo Noise was,” Neku says back, understanding, and he wonders why Joshua didn’t mention it. Maybe he thought Neku wouldn’t want to help.

“Wait, Taboo Noise?”

“It was five years ago,” the Nakano conductor says, leaning back. “Don’t bother the newbie about it; he doesn’t know anything.”

Actually, he does, but he doesn’t know if he wants to tell some strangers about it. He listens, though, as Nakano explains what happened _outside_ of Shibuya while Neku was fighting for his life, and it never occurred to him that the rest of the city would notice. Imprinting people to not notice how they’d lose themselves once they crossed Shibuya’s boundaries, sending in support to help train an entire batch of Players that were made reapers right after the Taboo Noise showed up, _everyone_ feeling the strain as Shibuya nearly collapsed and then pulled themselves together: it’s overwhelming, and none of them even know his name. Or Joshua’s name, or even _Shades’s name,_ and to them, his predecessor is just that guy with the headphones.

Someone else who shut out the world, just like Neku can’t afford to.

So he tells them, in bits and pieces as he censors out the stuff strangers don’t need to know, his fear and desperation as a Player, and most of them seem more confused than anything at the idea of someone leaving the UG and _coming back._ If you’re dead, then you stay dead, and if you’re alive, you stay as far away from death as you can, but here he is and his reasons why are best kept to himself.

“Did we miss anything?” Chiyoda asks from the door, and Neku’s not going over it again. Not until he wants to, anyway, and the Edogawa conductor meets his face and nods agreement.

“Gossip,” she says, like none of it was important, and he could sigh relief. “Shinagawa still out there?”

“Distributing stuff for the exchange,” she confirms. “Toshima’s, too: he sent a runner with their stuff, and I’ll drop by afterward with the rest. He’s not getting out that easy.”

“Good,” the Meguro conductor says, closing his laptop halfway. “He kept disconnecting anyway.”

Chiyoda takes the computer with the projector and does a headcount, and Neku watches the door boredly for the Shinagawa conductor to come in. He’s young, about the same age as Neku was when he first died, but he looks so scared and pathetic that Neku waves his hand to bring a chair next to him and scoots over, waving for the new kid. He scurries over eagerly, though he forgets to grab some snacks, and Neku gets up to pour the kid some adulterated punch and them both some pastries.

“Thank you,” the kid says when Neku sits back down, and Neku brushes it off.

“It’s spiked,” he warns him, but the kid’s nervous enough he drinks it anyway. Who cares about underage drinking once you’re dead? “I’m Neku. Neku Sakuraba, from Shibuya.”

“Makoto Inoue.” Neku sips his coffee as he half-listens to Chiyoda loading presentations from the first few volunteers. “I guess I’m from Shinagawa, or that’s where I – um, you know, but we just thought we’d defeat the composer, not …”

And there but for a bullet went Neku. “It happens,” he says, feeling altogether a bit useless, but he’s not even sure this brat knows how to hide his wings yet. He pats him on the head instead, and layers it as best he can with an imprint: `you are not alone.`

If it helps, Neku has no idea, but the kid’s eyes widen and he gives Neku a hug, quick and awkward, and Neku really hopes he’s not the first sympathetic dead person he’s met in a while. It’s a sucker’s bet, but _why_ are so many reapers assholes that it’s left to Neku to be the good one? It’s not even like he’s good at it.

He’s good enough, though, for the kid to brighten and start in on a slice of pie as the lights dim and Chiyoda starts up a video. The video is – well, Neku has seen worse, usually in school. It starts off as a shitty tourism video, complete with dramatic cherry blossoms as part of the four seasons of Tokyo, but quickly takes a turn off into _what the hell_ as whoever picked the soundtrack brings it into a rock ballad. Then they’re talking about all the great things their Players do and did, and Neku hides his face in his arms.

 _“Who’s taking notes,”_ the Edogawa conductor says dangerously, and Neku buries his face in deeper. Not him, that’s for sure. “Shibuya! You’re getting a pass because you’re new, but if I see you drifting off again, you’re helping with the minutes.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he mumbles, though he doesn’t think falling asleep is the main issue. Wait, no, now they’re talking about making the Players pick up litter and enforce recycling. He really is going to die of boredom.

Of course, he’s already dead. Meguro raises his hand, and Neku can hear somebody sigh relief, even though it’s not like any of them need to breathe. “I’ve got it,” he says, and good, 'cause Neku sure doesn’t. He’s not off the hook, though: the guy texts him offhandedly, and Neku checks his phone. `Confirm your story with me afterward; my composer will want to know.`

`k`, he types back, and he glances up at the presentation. It’s still mostly about tourism, but four excruciating minutes later, the Chiyoda reapers _finally_ let their local talent drop and it runs through the credits, all neatly labelled by rank and seniority. Then four full seconds of nothing, and just when Neku’s thinking they might be finally fucking done, up on the screen comes another reaper, who introduces himself as a Chiyoda officer and tells them all about how their Game works, like Neku wanted to know.

Does he really have to sit through this? He glances around to see if anyone’s listening to their erasure rates and their soul energy expenditures, but most of them don’t even give a shit and poor Shinagawa looks traumatised. “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Neku whispers to the kid, though he’s barely convinced himself, and the Shinagawa brat jerks away from the screen to stare at him.

“She’s talking about **people,** ” the guy says, and, uh, yeah? No shit; they’re reapers.

But that’s not exactly comforting, and Neku ought to at least try. “You can’t save them all,” he says uselessly, and he gets a betrayed glare for his trouble. Well, whatever, and he tries sipping his coffee to find the cup’s empty.

Nobody’s actually talking, so it’s fine for him to get up, right? Right. He sneaks out of his chair, the rubber quiet on the carpetting, then pulls up a water psych to rinse his cup and refill it with juice. (Well, mostly juice.) The stuff packs a punch when he sips it, and he waits around the punch bowl for the video to finish up before he’ll sit back down.

Ugh, did they seriously waste eight minutes on this shit? This is terrible.

“Thank you for listening,” Chiyoda says loudly once she’s done, but Neku’s not the only one feeling sheepish and he raises his eyebrows for his full rebellious punk impression. Nobody cares.

The next video’s much like the first one, and so’s the one after that. For the fourth one, the conductor responsible stands up to have little talking sockpuppets on either side of the screen, which at least makes it memorable; the fifth involves clowns and Neku’s never speaking of it again. At that point, they take a break for the next group to load up their videos, and Neku might as well bite the bullet.

Get it? _Bullet?_ It’s funny because Joshua kept shooting him, but by this point all that gets is a slight shake of the head as he gets up to load Joshua’s presentation, because he has _no idea_ what that fucker might’ve thought would best represent Shibuya to these assholes. Another tourism panorama? A montage of food they’ve eaten together? It could be anything, but he’s still not expecting what he gets when he hits play and teleports back to his seat.

It’s a badly-drawn anime, that’s what, showcasing the mighty power of Harajuku fashions as told in crayon with voice-overs from Hanekoma. It’s completely terrible and Neku can’t stop laughing at it, especially not when it segues into a discussion of tech companies complete with sexy mascots, and Neku loves Joshua so, so much.

“Did Shibuya have a mental break?” someone mutters, but Neku doesn’t care. He has the best composer in all of Tokyo and he loves him. Yes! Yes, break out the stickers and the popsicle puppets!

The worst part about it is this is the first video today Neku actually paid attention to, and he’s almost disappointed once it’s over and the next person puts theirs on. It doesn’t stop him snickering, though, and he gets up for a refill as he fist-bumps some of the other conductors. This is really less bad than he was expecting. Extremely _stupid,_ yeah, but not dangerous, and even Shinagawa’s moved onto dead inside instead of terrified.

They’re all dead inside, just like they’re dead outside, and the video after his has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He flicks a few crumbs at the screen with his fingernails, putting enough intent into it for his psi to make sure he hits the target, and while two of the older conductors look at him disapproving, more join in on the heckling.

Setagaya and Taitou’s star collections even seem to have been started for this express purpose, and Neku snickers as a few people steal from their stashes. Adachi’s conductor doesn’t seem offended, though: “This video completely fails to represent my composer’s genius,” she says stiffly, and at least Meguro seems to believe her. “I don’t expect you all to understand, but you could at least --”

A banana peel, elegantly flying through the air to land on Adachi’s head. She stops and looks around, then wilts. Her audience doesn’t care, and she disregards them all as her attention returns to the video, completely rapt. Meguro offers her his consolations, and Neku listens to them blather on about the genius of the divine before deciding he _really_ doesn’t want to know.

“Cocktails, anyone?” Chiyoda asks, and fuck it, Neku’ll take one. He nudges Shinagawa to get one, too, but the kid just tells him he’s underage and it’s his loss. Dead people don’t need drinking laws.

Neku gets something cherry-flavored with an almondy tang ( _cherry pit,_ she claims, and he’s got no reason to doubt her) and cheers with the rest when the next district’s got some low-budget monstrosity. The spooky tale of a spooky ghost story, told by a whole bunch of actual dead people hiding under spooky sheets, and _only you_ can stop Noise infestations. It’s complete with testimonials about how the reapers in question were Players once, and the sheer disdain for 'em – like they’re worse than hipsters – gives Neku a bad taste in his mouth, but it’s okay. It’s not his district, and he’ll make sure his Players are treated right.

He takes notes, though, of who he’s going to tell Joshua is a jackass, and he gives his own five yen when some of the reapers around him talk about the Players. It’s not their fault they’re scared, he opines, but somebody else does a spooky ghost impression and he laughs.

“But we have feet,” Shinjuku counters, but even _with_ feet, they’re still spooky ghosts. All of them are spooky ghosts and Neku goes woo woo as he makes a plate move **without touching it.** They move onto a hands-free spoon-bending competition, and this is probably the stupidest thing Neku’s ever done in his life (death, unlife, whatever) up to and including investigating the case of the missing microphone, but he said part of that out loud and now everyone wants to hear the story.

Even if they’re past ‘Gossip’ on the agenda.

So then Neku’s telling the whole sordid tale of his partnership with his composer, who was _already composer_ by that point, only this time he’s focusing on the tin pin and the ramen obsession instead of the – everything. The everything, which he skims over Meguro’s notes to make sure it’s written down right, but even with his composer being a dick of colossal proportions, Neku still likes him.

He likes him!

He really, honestly likes him, and then somebody’s patting him on the head as they tell everyone else he’s gone maudlin, poor dear, the newbies are always a bit pathetic, and they don’t know _why_ a composer would deliberately pick somebody who’s barely dead but it’s not their job to doubt them, is it, composers know what they want and they’re the ones who’re supposed to sort it all out, and that gets Neku flipping some well-meaning soul off as he washes his face in the punch bowl.

This was not one of the greatest ideas he’s ever had, but he can fix his hair right back up and he glubs into the bowl, totally unconcerned with getting punch up his nose. Dead people can’t drown, after all, and he hears someone clap for him.

He gives them a thumbs-up.

He then stands back up and pretends really hard that whatever message he wanted to get across by dunking his head in the punch, it was _totally badass_ and he has no regrets whatsoever. He is so cool. He is the coolest guy there.


	14. Chapter 14

He’s still the coolest when they’re wrapping up and splitting into groups to head home. The conductors from Nakano, Setagaya, and Meguro all keep him company since they’re going the same way, and anyway Shibuya’s on the list for a seasonal exorcism. On the train, they all chat about their bosses way too loudly, and Neku suspects the passersby think they’re drunk music students.

They wouldn’t be all wrong, and he perks up as they cross into Shibuya, though they’re getting off at the main station so he can greet Joshua properly. Good priorities, say his new friends, and it’s all cool even if they’ll have to walk farther.

“Josh, come be social!” he calls once they’re off, but he gets no immediate response and that ticks him right off. “You coward, I know you’re down there!”

`How scandalous, Neku,` Joshua replies, and the reapers glance at each other. The guy’s only sending to him, he can tell, but … `Is your memory all right?`

“My memory’s fine, you complete asshole; you can show up and --”

“Conductor,” Nakano says, a bit sharp, and Neku stops. She’s almost as tall as he is, but that seriousness – these are _reapers,_ and they’re a lot more experienced than him. He wilts. “May we tune up?”

It’s not like he could stop them, but this is his home: he really could. He heads up first, though, and his face heats: even with them almost fully RG, they’re **not from here,** and he feels Shibuya pushing him, egging him on to repel the intruders. They’re _guests,_ he thinks firmly, here to help keep the Taboo Noise in line, and even his reckless confidence can’t get the district to shut up completely.

He can take them, he tells himself, and with Joshua’s help they could take all three, but each one of them is a match for Shades when they’re in their own districts and he really, really wants to chase them out.

`They're guests,` Joshua tells him patiently, a lot closer in his head than usual, but for now Neku’s okay with that. They’re guests, and Joshua thinks they’re unworthy of licking Neku’s shoes, but even Joshua thinks they’re useful, and if they misbehave they’ll throw them out on their ears and get everywhere from Fukuoka to Sapporo calling for their erasure. It’s perfectly safe.

“Yeah, come up,” Neku says once he’s got it under control, and the three reapers do. The three conductors, he corrects himself: they’re all equals even if he’s the host, and _yes,_ Joshua, he really does need to remember that even if you think they don’t count. They’re neighbors.

“Minato called me ten times when you had your composer leave,” Nakano says, conversational, and he thinks his faux pas has been forgiven. “You’re really something, getting one of them to do something like that.”

“I didn’t really do anything,” he fends off, though he totally did, and he hears Joshua laughing. “I just thought he should …” He trails off, not sure _what_ Joshua should do, and the whole thing makes him uncomfortable. It shouldn’t be noteworthy for him to go on a date with his boyfriend – _ex_ boyfriend now, he supposes, though what Joshua meant by dumping him is a mystery – and he doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the way Shinagawa and Nakano are looking at him.

Meguro, though, just seems confused. “The Shibuya composer seems very strange,” he says, and while he is, Neku doubts he means it the way he would. “It seems it works for Shibuya, however.”

“Careful, dude,” Nakano says. “Don’t blaspheme our host.” She’s a bit antsy as she glances around, and Neku feels her try to scan their surroundings for reaper-shaped blank spots. Neku shields his reapers almost unconsciously, part of him really not liking the idea of an _outsider_ knowing one of his wall reapers works night shifts at the jewelery shop, then stops as soon as he notices.

He is with _friends._ He should, at the least, trust them to not try stealing his subordinates. Plus, the poor cashier noticed his attention, and he sends her a quick ` you're fine` as he tries to get a grip. They aren’t dangerous. Not to him, anyway, and not to his city.

`And you think _I'm_ territorial,` Joshua comments, and shoo, boy! Sit tight and stay out of Neku’s head until he needs you!

“What do we need to do this?” Neku asks, hurrying along towards Udagawa as his wings make very, very sure he knows there’s three foreign reapers behind him, and he notices clinically they’re keeping their distance from each other, too. Trust. Trust; he can _do_ this, and he tries not to think about what would happen if one of them tried creating a power vacuum, and for fuck’s sake he wasn’t this on edge when he was outside his own district!

Shibuya ward is **his,** and he leads them to a convenience store as the Nakano conductor explains the procedure. Once all the local Noise is cleared out near the anomaly, the other conductors will help him delineate a small area as a Tokyo UG separate from Shibuya ward, and they’ll convert a small bit of the tainted soul to Taboo Noise and clear it.

Just a little, not enough to be a real threat, but the idea raises the hair on his neck when he’s never even tried passing a puck to these people. It won’t even fix the problem – that takes more power than any of them’ve got – but it’ll keep the patch job stable, like draining the pus off an infection.

He waits outside as they buy salt and chalk, dismally aware he ought to stay where his reapers could find him, and tries not to grimace when the Setagaya conductor comes out and chugs soy sauce straight from the bottle. “I always like more salt when I do this,” she says, and that is _so_ not his problem.

“Shouldn’t we practice first?” he asks, and they all look at him like he grew a second head. (Or a third, or fifth, and maybe even that would faze them less than his question did. He wishes Anguis Cantus had been on his side.) “Taboo Noise sucks ass without the light puck, you know.”

Judging from their faces, they really didn’t. “When would you have fought Taboo Noise …?” the Setagaya conductor asks slowly, and hello? This is _his_ district, thank you!

“Uh, I was Playing when this all was happening,” he says back. He explained this. He explained this _a few hours ago._

“I don’t doubt you, but Shibuya – that was years ago, and you’ve been dead for, what, twelve months?”

“Two weeks,” he corrects. “I guess.”

They stop. After a moment, Neku does, too. “What?” he asks.

“… The last new conductor notice from here was in March,” Nakano says, scratching her head. “That was over a year ago, and you Played when all of that happened. If I may ask, what were you doing?”

Living? That should be obvious. “My composer brought me back after our Game,” he says, though that’s not the half of it. “He still wanted me as conductor later, though, so … here I am. I guess I’ve been dead for six weeks if you count it all, but that’s not really ….”

They look at each other. “Shibuya is strange,” Setagaya decides, and heh, ouch.

He really ought to press them on practicing fighting in sync, because it’s not like he’s worked with any reapers before 'sides Beat, but he hears Pinky and Lollipop around where the mural was and he’s off in a flash, shifting to his Noise form for speed. They’re not doing anything bad, but he can’t help rocketing up onto the Wild Boar store to supervise, the site of his first death putting him on edge.

They’re just clearing Noise, he knows, pulling the stuff into a long-ass chain so they can wipe them together, and he sends them his approval when he thinks it won’t distract them. Through imprint, first, but it bounces off their wings and he feels Joshua tell him to text it if it’s so important. He can’t imagine himself telling them ‘good job’ like some condescending brat, though, and he doesn’t: he just listens to them clean the area as best they can and nearly has a heart attack when he realizes what other reaper’s around.

Pi Face. Of course he is, Neku tells himself resignedly, and he really would like to hop down and tell him to get his ass away from the Taboo Noise refinery sigil, but he’s not even _near_ it; he’s just herding everything else nearby closer to the harrier duo.

“Good work,” Neku says, slipping back into human form and down onto the ground in one smooth motion, and the harriers freeze. Kariya relaxes when he realizes it’s just him, but Pinky stays tense, and from how she’s **not** looking up the road … he’s not the only one put off by their visitors, is he. “Thanks for doing this; this is your week off, isn’t it?”

“Only when the head honcho doesn’t call us in,” Kariya says, and oh, he’s noticed the other reapers, too, even if they are hanging back to let Neku talk to his staff. Wonderful. Just great. “Boss said we get hazard pay; you signing off on it?”

“Not without talking to him,” Neku says firmly. He doesn’t trust that guy one inch, and speaking of people he doesn’t trust … “Yo, Math Head! Get over here.”

“Once Euler us wrap this up,” he says back, and ow, that one’s terrible. Neku waves for them to keep going, though, and he watches them fight as he tries to **think.**

` Josh, I need you right now,` he says silently, and the composer slips into his head like he never left, sorting through his thoughts and examining the spark of a thought. Neku’s onto something, they both know, and Joshua slots in knowledge, background, logistics. They can’t fix it all, but they can do a hell of a lot better than this holding action, and from what Neku thinks – and Joshua quickly confirms – none of the other Tokyo reapers would even think this is possible.

They might actually be able to do this. They might really be able to clean up this mess Mr H left for all of them, no matter that they all think it’s stuck there, and even if they don’t get it all the way, they’ll at least have **tried.**

“Hey, guys,” he calls, unhooking the pin from his lapel and feeling the energy in it, even if he doesn’t need it yet. “I got an idea; everyone, huddle.”

Kariya glowers at him like he’s been betrayed, but Neku doesn’t care. He says huddle, and he means huddle. All three of his reapers come over to them like it’s a death sentence and he raises his hand to tap their fingers, getting each of them into a pact. Yashiro and Minamimoto glare at him for it, not really understanding, but he thinks Kariya knows what he’s up to and doesn’t like it.

The other conductors finish up pouring the salt, and Neku clears his throat. “Guys, hold up,” he says again, poking them with his psi, and Nakano doesn’t bother hiding annoyance. “I just talked to my composer, and I think we’re going about this all wrong. Come form a pact with me.”

“We’re not fighting in Shibuya,” Setagaya warns, but she does come over, and after a moment so do Nakano and Meguro. It takes more effort with the three of them than his reapers, Shibuya leery of invaders, but he still manages it with a handshake and a force of will, and he thinks Joshua might be crowing over his spreading influence.

“And all of you pair up,” Neku adds, gesturing to both groups, and _now_ he’s getting resistance. “Look, if you don’t fight in Shibuya, I can’t pull my composer in, and if I can’t pull my composer in, I can’t pull all of you into a fusion.”

“What,” Yashiro says flatly, and Neku points at her with his pin, it lengthening into a baton for effect. “What,” she says again.

Okay, fine, he’ll explain this the slow way. “Look, I was in the Game for three weeks,” he says, trying to be patient. “When I fought Shades – Kitaniji, the previous conductor – I had three partners helping me out and I could fuse with _all of them._ ”

Another round of _what._ “At once, or in a row?” Nakano asks, dubious. Neku grins at her, and it’s more than a bit feral. “Seven people in a fusion … even if I believe you, our sync rate wouldn’t be anything to write home about.”

“Even for Shibuya?” he asks, and they’re all thinking about it. He’s got them, he knows he does. “I know you got better things to do than come help us out every few months, Conductor.”

“It _is_ for Tokyo,” Meguro agrees, and he’s the first one to look over the Shibuya reapers like he’s actually seeing them. “Miss?” he says, offering his hand. “I’m the conductor for Meguro, Ken Iwatani.”

“Shibuya’s primary Game Master, Uzuki Yashiro,” she says back, and she takes it, yanking down as she squeezes harder than entirely necessary, and Neku keeps a straight face. The guy seems amused, though, and he feels the pact engage as Shibuya accepts the reaper’s presence, and then it’s time for the next one.

Nakano introduces herself as Sakura Yamada to Kariya, and the Setagaya girl turns out to be Minako Tanaka, though Minamimoto immediately corrupts it to 375. They’re still partnered well enough to tie them into Shibuya, and Neku flexes his hand and wings as he tests his grip on them all.

Their sync rate’s terrible, but Neku’s had worse, and with the Shibuya reapers reinforcing it all … he could fight like this, he thinks. He’s going to have to. “I’m Neku Sakuraba,” he says, lengthening his baton to a staff, and he taps the asphalt under him, “and my composer’s Joshua Kiryu. He can’t fight up here like us, but he’s going to help, 'cause it’s his district and our city and our problem. One of – somebody I used to respect, who’s supposed to make sure the Game’s run right and fair, he thought something my composer was doing was wrong. And it was wrong, but he tried to stop him by sending Taboo Noise after him, and – he hurt a lot of people. If we can – if you’re all willing to try to patch this bit up, instead of waiting for all the higher ups to get around to it, that would mean a lot.”

Joshua, and CAT. He shuffles, a bit nervous, but they all seem thoughtful, and it’s Nakano who breaks the silence: “If anything happens to Shibuya, the rest of us have to deal with it. This is an accident waiting to happen. If you think we can blast it hard enough it can’t come back, hell, let’s go for it.”

And that’s agreement from Setagaya and Meguro. Minamimoto and Kariya aren’t convinced, but they look like they know they don’t have options; Yashiro asks what all three of them are wondering: “Will we get paid?”

“Yes, you’ll get paid,” Neku says back, and that’s settled. He discusses with the other conductors what they’ll need to write in the chalk circle, Joshua in his head helping them translate the angelic script, and as they trace out around where he’d found a very different circle years ago, he listens absently as they call their composers.

_Boss? It’s me. Yeah, I might be home late; we’re trying something different. No, it’s – no. No, not that either – will you just let me talk? I know, boss, I know, I’ll be back. I’ll tell you later. You’ll have something to hold over Shibuya for months, I promise. – Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be back._

Joshua doesn’t comment, a surprising amount of restraint from him, but maybe he’s busy, and Neku explains the mechanisms of Taboo Noise as they work out a plan. They’re too aggressive to pull out all at once, even with the refinement sigil damaged to where it can’t be used, so they’ll have to convert it in stages, cutting heads off the hydra and cauterizing it beyond them. Previously, they’d just starved it of more energy and cut off just enough to get it back to where it was, but Neku wants it **gone** and the Higher Plane’s no help, not when they can get Joshua to behave on threat of never fixing it.

Pull a chunk out, make it a Noise, and hope they’ve got enough people to keep it from shifting Noise planes any time they get a hit in. Not even the light puck made it reasonable during his Game, but eight people … it should work.

But reapers don’t work together well. Nakano and Joshua check Setagaya’s handwriting, and Kariya gives a thumbs up: he’s no expert, but he knows better than Neku does and it’s got to be better than nothing.

“Let’s do this,” Neku says, and Meguro activates the sigil as everything goes white.

* * *

He’s in front of the CAT mural, as it’d been in his old life, and he hears footsteps. Someone running, someone scared, but this isn’t his memory and he’s not just an observer anymore. He aims a lightning arrester toward where they’d come from all those years ago, but doesn’t fire, the pin or staff solid in his hand for when he needs it.

That’s not Joshua, and that’s not Minamimoto. He shifts to noise form to get out of the way, the monkey way more mobile, and his wings pick up where his partners are, each on a separate field laid out through a web of connections. There’s him, and there’s the Tokyo reapers on one side with Shibuya’s on the other, and he sends his copies out along where he thinks the taboo noise is hiding as his main body keeps his field under control.

It’s in Minamimoto’s field first, disguised as Joshua, and the reaper’s gleeful as he shoots what looks like the composer, a two-tailed cat noise raising ghosts to hide behind. One hit, two, then it’s off to someone else’s and Minamimoto’s in pursuit, following it straight through Neku’s and over to Joshua’s.

`Fight the Noise, not each other!` Neku yells, but Minamimoto’s still got ambitions and he’s in a pact with the composer, if only by **proxy.**

(A burst of pain, and being shot didn’t hurt at all. Not the first time.)

He sends his vision along the link, but it’s not enough; it’s in Joshua’s noise plane and – the tether of light and psi cracks it, wakes Minamimoto up and off the composer’s trail. It bolts to the Meguro conductor, but Neku’s already there, one of his bodies nailing it with a shockwave as it sails right into the man’s sinkhole. “Not bad,” the guy says, lengthening into his own noise form, and Neku sees only enough to know he’s a corpse like his worst nightmares before that copy’s fading and he’s back in his own plane, trying to track the taboo noise.

Meguro, Minamimoto, Meguro, Setagaya, and he warns Joshua just in time for the composer to crush it utterly, the thing not even having the chance to go after Pinky and Lollipop. They weren’t the right kind of prey, he knows, and Neku drops out of the noise planes to get the next one.

So does Minamimoto, and Neku kind of wants to hit him. “Are you going to help or not?” he asks, exasperated, and the guy shrugs.

“Don’t let limits slow you,” he quotes, the line raising the hair on the back of his neck, and it’s not in Neku’s own memory he’d heard that before. “What, am I supposed to let power get away from me?”

“When you’re being stupid, _yes!_ ”

“… You don’t have to be an asymptote.”

Yes, he really does, and he rolls his eyes as he activates the sigil again. They’d be here all night with noise that size, he can tell, and he wonders the wisdom of his plan as he pulls the next one out. It goes straight for Uzuki and Kariya, but they ping-pong it without any trouble between themselves and the other conductors without him even needing to shift frequency. Minamimoto takes the next one, eager to prove himself, but Neku feels him get hit and he’s up in a flash.

He’s going to feel like _such_ a dumbass if he gets the guy erased after all the shit he’s done, but Minamimoto then shows the secret to his survivability: he bolts, or tries to, and you’d think the guy who _used_ the taboo noise would remember how they work …! Neku tries to send one of his monkeys to help him, but he can’t: all he can do is hope as Kariya nibbles a healing psych and Minamimoto flails around and finally hits it, giving Setagaya the puck. She’s as strange in battle as out of it, her many arms tossing positive psyches in all directions with a statacco rhythm, and Nakano catches the noise in unison, a cross combo forming between their swords and tentacles before their puck wears out and it’s Neku’s now.

His body double lures the thing out of their planes and into his own as he falls back into sync with his composer, Joshua calculating as Neku keeps what distance he can from the monster. _It’s a manticore,_ the composer tells him dispassionately, but what it **is** is trying to light him on fire! Up, up, down, down, left, right, tackle, blow --!

His copy explodes right as Joshua gets it with another light pillar, and he shifts back to human form to wipe his face off, another noise erased. He’s scooped up as soon as he does, though, by a certain giant dog noise, and he feels their web of pacts shake but not snap as they’re all brought back to the UG proper.

Pinky and Lollipop’re both staring at him, and he glances between them and everyone else as they shift back to human shape, before realising he ought to look _up._ Joshua wuffles as he meets his gaze, and he’s as big as he ever gets, his front paws both near Neku like pillars as most of his body’s sprawled carelessly over the buildings nearby, and he’s such a fucking **show-off.**

“Composer,” Minamimoto says, almost reverently, and Neku tenses. All three of his reapers have their guns out, and he does not need this today. He never needs this, but they can sit their asses down and behave and – Joshua licks him, mussing up his hair and then fixing it again, and it’s really hard to stay frustrated with the guy shoving his own calm down his head.

The Nakano conductor clears her throat. Joshua flicks one of his car-sized ears, then licks Neku again, completely and utterly unconcerned with what anyone else thinks, and it’s good he doesn’t have real saliva or else this would be totally gross. Instead, he’s simply wet for a moment before it staticks out like everything else in the UG, and the guy keeps grooming him until Neku glowers up at him. That’s enough, puppy.

Joshua butts him with his nose, nearly bowling him over. `Your assistance is appreciated, but no longer required,` he tells them all, his silent voice reverberating almost painfully, and Neku sees the other reapers wince. `Ah, I forgot,` he murmurs, audible only to Neku, and Neku pats his snout.

He’s not disappointed in him, Neku promises him; Joshua’s out and about just like he wanted, and the guy imprints on him everything he might’ve wanted to say. “He says the seal won’t hold if we take anything else out,” Neku says on his behalf, and Pinky stretches, her arms behind her head as she gets up on her toes.

“Does that mean we’re done here?” she asks, and he shrugs.

“I think we could erase the rest if we took it all in one go,” he says honestly, “but Josh says that’s ‘an unprecedented use of Tokyo resources.’ It’s up to you all.”

“Hazard pay,” Lollipop demands, and fine, Neku yields. _Charming, isn’t he?_ Joshua thinks to him, and he gets his cold nose right in the crick of Neku’s back. Thanks, asshole.

That leaves the visiting conductors and Pi Face. “Composer,” the conductor from Nakano starts as Joshua flicks an ear. “How strong is the thing below us?”

`About 120 decibels,` Joshua replies, nudging Neku when he doesn’t repeat it immediately. `You got it down from 140; very respectable.`

That doesn’t sound like much of a change to Neku, but he says it anyway, and Kariya looks at the chalk circle around a nondescript bit of pavement like it might bite him. “My composer questions the Higher Plane’s judgement in considering this low priority,” the Meguro conductor says, glancing up from his phone, and Joshua lifts a paw in a shrug.

`Far be it from Me to question Their wisdom,` he says, but Neku can’t mimic his tone right and isn’t going to try. They’re all bonkers, anyway, from the angels to Hanekoma to the reapers to Joshua, and they’re standing right next to where two went **more** bonkers.

“It’ll make a good story,” Setagaya decides, and all that leaves is Minamimoto. Neku looks at him expectantly, and so does everyone else: after all, without their full manpower, this is going to _suck._

He scowls when he realizes he’s the last one and crosses his arms, a punk to the last. “I’m the initial value in this set,” he growls, like it’s their fault he’s behind. “All of you derive from _me,_ and you’re _so_ **zetta** _**slow!**_ ”

He throws power into the circle like a warning’s for suckers, and the patch of asphalt within statics out into the burned up circle he’d seen in the game, and then into a tall and familiar figure. It’s not Mr H – it’s **not,** and he nudges Joshua human as he grabs his shirt collar to pull him away in one smooth motion – but it was and it could be; the screech of Noise echoes like someone else’s nightmares and reeks like burned coffee.

 _Oh,_ Joshua thinks giddily, leaking into Neku’s head: _he really did hate me,_ and even if Mr Hanekoma doesn’t **now,** the thing that pulls them all into a noise plane yet again tastes of it, sounds like every one of the angel’s plans he had to burn up in smoke to get a chance to save Shibuya.

It’s not him, but it’s made of his lost futures, broken deliberately out of spite and the greater good, and Neku shifts noise to make sure Minamimoto’s not stunned with the same thing Joshua is. No, but he is out of it, and Pinky hits him with a rock to wake him up. The guy yowls in surprise and leans forward, shifting into a familiar lion shape, his fur a deep brown and blue without any hint of his old Taboo greys.

He’s got his area covered, and Neku pulls on Joshua to keep their noise planes merged, this thing way too big to coordinate by psi only. Up, up, Neku asks him, and the composer fades to white as he grabs Neku’s waist and takes him airborne, fully willing to dodge for them both. It’s hard to get a grasp of what’s happening when he’s not picking where to go, but it fucking _hurts_ whenever he feels it hit someone else and he needs Joshua’s clairvoyance right now; he needs the time to toss a healing psych for his companions’ benefit.

It’s big, way bigger than Joshua’d ever seen Hanekoma get, and _that **isn’t** Sanae,_ Joshua tells him furiously, but it’s a cat and it’s _made_ from CAT so Neku isn’t sure what the difference is. They can discuss that later: right now, he needs to find out what it _does,_ and he watches Kariya pull up an electrical barrier to keep it from breathing fire at Yashiro. She shoots its nearest head – an eagle, its neck feathers staticking into a lion’s mane – but most of them bounce off, its taboo nature too resilient.

But she’s not alone, and the Nakano conductor ( _Miss Yamada,_ Joshua corrects, like her name tastes bad) launches a wave as she sprouts tentacles again, a kraken large enough to crush buildings whenever she surfaces. (Caecilia, says Joshua, but now is not the time …!) She gets in a few hits timed right with Yashiro’s revolver, and then she’s diving into the ground like the concrete is water to get her own ambush.

“Follow my lead,” Joshua says, and always and forever _screw that!_ They teleport in unison under the giant manticore’s chest, and Neku launches a volley of blows from his staff as Joshua blasts it, scoring a few decent hits before Joshua’s pulling them back out again to scoop up Pinky and Lollipop and drop them onto Setagaya’s serpentine coils. They both stare at him, but Joshua brings a finger to his lips like it’s a secret and Neku elbows him.

“Don’t get yourselves killed,” Neku orders, and Joshua teleports off again without him, now to support Minamimoto.

“Working on it,” Kariya says back, glancing in the same direction as Neku, and then they’re all going for a ride, the Setagaya conductor’s marilith form deceptively fast as they cling to her scales and take potshots at the Taboo Noise. It’s not enough, he can feel, but their sync rate’s better than it was and Nakano holds it still long enough for them to get a good cross combo going, and he feels Joshua and Minamimoto taunting each other with the puck.

He just needs Meguro and – he shifts to his noise form for more speed and clones himself where the last conductor is, his bodies scattered to defend the guy no matter what direction the noise swipes for him, and the guy still looks awful, rotting fabric oozing away from him like he’s some kind of swamp monster. “I’m not paid enough for this!” the guy wails, and Neku’s not paid at all but you don’t hear him complaining.

`If your noise is too slow, go human,` he says, like it’s obvious, and he doesn’t understand why this guy looks so – so like something the Players would fight at the end of the week. Right. `Just **help out!**`

The guy tries lobbing sludge at the monster, but he can’t get the distance without being in range of its claws, and fuck it: Neku zaps him as well as the monster with his next lightning strike, just as a warning. It works, though, and he shifts human and draws a proper hunting rifle as he skedaddles out of the way for cover.

That’s them all accounted for, and Neku slashes it a few times as he flickers back to rejoin Joshua and Minamimoto, laying mines as he goes, and he shifts human again himself. “Be ready,” he tells them, and projects to the rest.

“T minus five,” Minamimoto agrees, and Joshua swoops to grab Neku’s shirt collar.

“I trust you,” Joshua says simply, and Neku pulls his power, pulls Shibuya’s power and the power vested in these other Tokyo representatives, pulls it all together as Nakano holds it still and Setagaya can stab it all at once, and twists it into a fusion, one big blast to clear the air so he’ll never have to learn of Hanekoma’s betrayal again, because what happened happened and they’re moving _forward_ now.

He thinks he’s out for a few minutes afterward, his reapers leaving to get some ice cream by themselves, without anyone else, and when he wakes up, his head’s in Joshua’s lap, the composer tuned down enough to speak to other people properly. “I’ll put in a commendation, of course,” Joshua tells the other conductors, and Neku slowly realizes he’s petting his hair.

In public. “Josh, no!” Neku yelps, jerking up, but the composer doesn’t even seem like he understands he did wrong, and Neku’s face is hot, he knows it is.

“I’ve never seen mine with another person, but I’m sure she’d be just as bad,” Nakano says, sympathetic, but it doesn’t change that Joshua is a fucking _exhibitionist_ and Neku doesn’t need that with people he barely knows, thank you!

“The lord Composer was simply informing us he intends to give us time to report to our own composers before filing his own,” explains Meguro, and he can feel Joshua being smug behind him, thank you. “He doesn’t want there to be any misunderstandings.”

“Like if he’s trying to steal us,” Setagaya finishes. “We helped out because we have a duty to Tokyo and because you seem sweet, if completely insane. That’s all.” Oh. Great.

“I wouldn’t say _insane,_ ” Meguro says. “Simply …”

“Like he should have been erased ten times over?” Nakano suggests, and what.

“How does someone even have _experience_ fighting _Taboo Noise?_ ”

“Look, I don’t do this on purpose,” Neku says, just to set the record straight, but all he gets is three stares and a laugh.

“Neku, let’s go home, shall we?” Joshua says, and then Neku’s giving _him_ a Look. “They don’t belong here and _you,_ my dear, could use a nap.”

No, he couldn’t, but he’s exhausted and maybe the guy’s right. “Thanks, everyone,” he says, and then he lets Joshua pick him up and teleport him down to the lounge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boss fight? Boss fight.
> 
> You get a no prize if you figure out what their noise forms are referencing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanekoma is here o7

Hanekoma’s down there when they arrive, which Neku should’ve expected. Joshua glances between them both, then rests Neku down on the couch. “Can this wait, Sanae?” he asks, conjuring a pillow and blanket to tuck Neku in, and Neku raises his hand to flap it.

He’s not an invalid, but Joshua looks at him like he’s something precious and he doesn’t want to have to talk to Hanekoma ever. “I wanna know, Josh,” he says, sitting up, and Joshua purses his lips before sitting next to him and digging his fingers into Neku’s hair. Always so touchy, but he minds it less when he knows the guy needs reassurance, and he pushes into the contact.

It’s not like there’s any mystery whose fault it is. “Thanks for – uh, you know,” Mr H says, and Joshua bristles, his fingers curling in Neku’s hair tighter than is entirely comfortable. “I couldn’t fix it myself, not without making it worse, and … you’re a hell of a kid, ain’t ya, Neku? Reapers don’t usually work together like that; it’s what makes the taboo stuff so powerful.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Neku tells him, and Joshua presses in close. “Now do you have anything else to say, or are you done?”

“Nah, I’m done,” he says, and Joshua sits up enough to watch him leave out the door, though Neku’s content to hear the footsteps and the door close as he watches the fish. Fish don’t betray you, he thinks; maybe that’s why Joshua likes them so much, and he feels the guy lock the door once that bastard’s gone.

Neku settles onto the couch, and after a moment, Joshua does, too, sliding under Neku’s head so he can pet his chest and hair, and Neku fidgets. He’s overdressed, he realizes, even with Joshua taking his shoes off without him noticing, and the composer waves a hand and switches him into pyjamas. “You did well today,” he says, like he thinks Neku’s looking for his approval, and Neku grunts.

“You dumped me,” he points out, a bit uselessly, but he doesn’t really want Joshua to go away and so the guy doesn’t. “I don’t even … I don’t know what you want.”

A rustle, and Joshua unfolds his wings, rests one on Neku like he can protect him from the world, like Neku needs protecting. “Yes, you do,” he murmurs. “Or are you so forgetful …?”

Ugh, he’s right: he does know. “I should go up to my room,” he says, but _should_ and _want to_ are two different things, and he feels Joshua browsing through his head before he nudges Neku’s shirt up to tickle his belly with his feathers. Neku squirms away, but the guy keeps doing it until Neku grabs his wing in self defense, and the composer’s groan is nearly pornographic. “You’re shameless,” Neku tells him, and he hums agreement. “ _Really_ shameless.”

A laugh, but Neku’s got a wing muscle to massage and he’s not going to get any peace until he hops to. “Tell me about the meeting,” Joshua says, gentle but still a command, and he does, his fingers working as he speaks. The guy lets him take his time about it, not asking any questions and instead leaving Neku to pick up the bits he finds interesting from his own scanning, and it’s – nice, Neku supposes. Easy, and even easier once he realizes Joshua has no concern for how anything unrelated to Shibuya went. He didn’t need notes, and he didn’t take any, either.

What he picks up most of all, though, is how much Joshua wants him. Not _sexually,_ though there’s that, too, and his pyjama pants grow tight as Joshua remembers Neku still cares about his body, tossing him a few images of Joshua on his knees using his mouth, and Neku swats him. “Don’t push it,” he tells him, and he waits until the guy shows the right amount of chagrin before continuing.

No, Joshua wants him around, and he wants his attention, and most of all he wants him **available.** He wants him nearby enough to speak to when he wants to, and busy enough he doesn’t have to the rest of the time. He wants, in short, for Neku to be convenient.

Bile forms in his gut, and he pulls on the wing enough the composer comes with it, phasing through his body to settle on his knees, light as another pillow. “Why are you like this,” Neku says, but it’s past _why_ and well into _so what is Neku going to do about it._ He glares at him, hoping an answer will appear, and Joshua runs a hand through his own hair.

“You can stay, or you can go,” he says tiredly, and he means now but also forever. He’s not going to change, not entirely, and Neku knows he should leave. He knows Shiki’d say he should leave, and Beat would say he should leave, and even Joshua and the other Joshua think so, but he doesn’t want to. Not when it’d leave Joshua alone.

“You,” he starts, and he has no idea what he was going to say, so he says it again: “you.” Joshua blinks. Yes, him, and Neku pokes him in the nose, then pushes him down onto the couch. “You will behave,” he states.

“I _am_ behaving,” he says back, but he wasn’t! Not earlier! He is to **behave,** and that means no messing around in public, no making him look like a weirdo, and _no provoking Minamimoto!_ “Ah, unfair,” he says, and Neku pokes him again.

He hasn’t been pushing Neku into things, and even if he thinks about everything all wrong, it’s … it’s just thinking. Neku can deal, and he climbs on to straddle the guy’s chest. “Thank you for showing up,” he adds, almost as an afterthought, and the guy flushes. Not nearly as red as a real person, or a living person, but it’s still cute, and he thinks for a moment before kissing him.

Joshua makes a muffled noise into his mouth, but he goes into it easily, letting Neku keep the lead. It’s almost boring without Joshua being too eager about it, but the guy’s still kissing back so he keeps going, teasing his lips with his fangs. “I’m really very proud of you,” Joshua says once one of them pulls away, and Neku could ask what for but the answer’s simple: everything.

Reapers don’t do teamwork and composers don’t speak to people not their conductors, and Neku’s been widening the worlds of more people than just himself. “You don’t need to be,” he tells him, because he’s just the catalyst – everyone else did the hard work – but Joshua hums and he’s hungry when he looks Neku over.

Maybe he does want to let him at him. He slides his wings out, his eyes on Joshua’s tracking him like he’s prey, then sets them completely out of mind as the guy’s expression carefully doesn’t change. “Any preferences?” he asks, and the guy shrugs infinitesimally.

“I should be asking you that. I can finally stop filing maintenance requests.”

Of course. Paperwork. “Sounds hard,” he says, sidling close, “and long.”

“Must you?” Joshua says, but yes, he really does have to. “You could at least _try_ to be original.”

He could, but then he’d miss out on Joshua’s face. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits. “Do you think Beat …?”

He doesn’t know how he was going to finish that, and Joshua just looks at him. “I can’t tell you.”

Can’t, or won’t? It doesn’t matter. “Tell me if you think you should move my room,” he decides, and the guy hums agreement. That’ll have to do, and he glances at Joshua before stripping his pyjamas off, taking his time with the buttons. He’ll never get used to this, he thinks, but he really doesn’t need a shower first, and Joshua watches his fingers like they’re more interesting than the lump in his pants.

To him, they probably are, and he’s cautious as he volunteers some information: “I’m too tired to play at human today, Neku. I’ll do as you like, but don’t ask me to get mine, hm?”

Ugh. He jerks a nod in reply, though he doesn’t like it, and that’s just one of the perils of banging his composer: he knows he’s not getting his partner off. “Tell me if you want something,” he says, and Joshua hums: unlikely, with the day he just had. Neku’s was even more eventful, but they’re coming at this from opposite ends.

Neku likes his body, and he can’t imagine willingly being as detached from it as Joshua always is. It seems wrong, like he’s taking advantage of him somehow, and Joshua shakes his head and covers Neku’s eyes for a second, just long enough to let him change clothes.

He’s in a scarf and nothing else, now, the ends trailing to highlight his nudity, and he leans over Neku as he touches Neku’s hips and guides him over Joshua. “You know the kind of person I am,” he reminds him, and Neku does, but …

No. Neku does. Joshua **is** selfish, almost as selfish as he thinks he is, and if he wants Neku to have sex with him, then it’s because he wants Neku to have sex with him, even if it’s for his own reasons instead of Neku’s. “Josh,” he starts, not even sure where to begin, and the guy looks at him like he wants to kiss him until Neku stops thinking. “You really want this?” he asks, just to make sure, and Joshua hums confirmation, then brushes his mind against Neku’s and lets him in.

It’s a performance, in Joshua’s view, a performance that gives Joshua power as Neku succumbs to his quaint pleasures of the body, and even as Joshua considers it silly and something other people do, he’s still fascinated, intrigued by all the meaning humans put on it. It’s not the answer Neku wants, but Joshua considers him using him as a hole to fuck or fancy dildo as **charming,** some cute little quirk of Neku’s. It’s really not the answer he wanted.

But it’s the answer he’s getting, and as Joshua cups his hand around the front of Neku’s boxers, he can’t tell if he’s disgusted or frustrated or furious, and he feels as Joshua hopes for the third one, hopes Neku’ll be angry enough to treat him like a toy, and Neku presses his arm against his throat as he pins Joshua to the couch. “You should tell me what you want,” he growls, that loose scarf soft as a way Joshua’s neck isn’t, and the guy grunts.

“I’d really rather make you take it from me,” he admits, and Neku lowers his arm to elbow his chest, holding him down as Joshua’s heart doesn’t beat, and he drops his forehead onto Joshua’s, his eyes closed tight. The guy’s as cool as always, just the ambient temperature of the room without any of the usual touches of life, and it really – honestly – drives him nuts sometimes. “Neku?”

“Nggkt,” he says, and he flops bonelessly onto him, so tired. Why is he like this, he wonders again, but Joshua pats him on the back and pulls him close and he’s so hard to stay _mad_ at sometimes. You might as well get pissed at the wind: it cares just as much, and it’s not like Neku _dislikes_ when Joshua pushes him rougher. It’s just … “If you had the chance, would you make me enjoy this?” he asks, sitting up, and Joshua blinks at him sleepily.

“Neku, mood swings aren’t attractive,” he says eventually, and that’s – not helpful.

“I meant me beating you up.” Asshole.

A hum. “You already enjoy yourself once you relax,” he says, though it’s not like Neku relaxes often, and he’d really like to shake him right now. “Yes, Neku, I’d stop you overthinking.”

“‘Overthinking?’” It’s not overthinking when he worries about hurting his – friend, but Joshua digs his hand into Neku’s hair and his face is so fond.

“You try so hard to be good,” he murmurs, like Neku’s something wondrous, and Neku bristles. “Neku, you won’t hurt me, and I _want you_ to rough me up. Yes, you overthink this.”

And Joshua _under_ thinks it, or overthinks the wrong half. He breathes out, though, and tries to believe him, touching along the guy’s jaw as he shivers under him, and digging a nail where Joshua’s pulse should go gets only a soft sigh. A bit harder and his finger goes through and into Joshua’s body, and it’s not any less creepy than it was the first time.

He’s the right texture on the outside, but any intention to dig in and Neku goes right through, leaving only a spongy feeling of wrongness as he takes his hand back out and casually backhands the guy across the nose. It hurts less than Neku thinks it should, from what he remembers of Beat trying to teach him to punch properly, but Joshua squirms all the same and Neku giggles. “You’re such a weirdo,” he says. “I thought you didn’t want to get off?”

“I may have lied,” he says back, but he didn’t, really. Neku gropes around for where the guy’s wings should be, and he cants up to let Neku at his shoulder blades. The patch of feathers should be – there, and he’s given a few quick imprints before he hides his wings again, chastising: `I said I'm tired.`

But not too tired for this, and Neku glances at two of the imprints before putting them away: ideas for what to do with him, unimportant. The last one’s Joshua trying to convey something he finds intuitive, and his wings twitch as he feels Joshua piggyback on his senses to make sure he understands properly. It’s the thought of Neku, with his compassion hard-won and his own instincts to fight or run carefully subdued so he’ll _help_ first, putting that all aside because Joshua deserved it, Joshua earned it, Joshua wanted it; that Neku could put aside being a good person to punish him; that Joshua doesn’t need to be good enough, because even at his worst, Neku still won’t kill him.

And of course Neku won’t; Joshua’s **tested** that, but he likes the confirmation, and all through the imprint is the feeling of _Neku trusts me enough to not make him go too far._ Or perhaps Neku doesn’t trust him at all, and they’ve both spent a lot of time lying to themselves.

“There’s more options than just those two,” Neku says, annoyed, but Joshua only hums and Neku knows just what to do with this guy. He sticks his hand over his face, though it’s not like Joshua uses his eyes to see, then sits on him, pulling the blanket up and around himself. “You are a bad dog,” he tells him, poking his nose, and Joshua barks unconvincingly before lightly biting his finger.

“I try,” he says around Neku’s finger, and Neku wiggles it to feel his teeth. They’re a bit more solid than the rest of him, like he’s bitten things as a psyche before, but his mouth is wet inside like it should be and the guy watches in patient bemusement as Neku fools around in there. “This isn’t what I expected, I must say,” he adds, muffledly, and Neku adds in his other fingers, his thumb pressing under Joshua’s chin.

“You don’t _deserve_ what you expect,” Neku says slowly, sharpening his thumbnail into a claw and digging it in to draw static, and Joshua tries to swallow. “I don’t fit into one of your plans.”

He mulls over that, licking Neku’s fingers as he thinks, then nudges Neku to remove them. Neku does, but he covers Joshua’s face again, and he’s patient as Joshua decides what to say. “What do I deserve, then?” he asks finally, and Neku pats his forehead.

“Whatever I decide to do with you.”

“Hmm.”

That seems to be good enough, for Joshua as well as himself, and he closes his eyes and wishes he had a second pillow until the composer drops one in his hands. He squishes it a few times, but Joshua’s watching him blearily again and Neku is so not in the mood for it.

He checks the imprints Joshua had sent him earlier, and Joshua refreshes: he’s fine with any way Neku wants to take him, so long as he doesn’t expect Joshua’s undivided attention, and Neku directs him to lie back. He does, his hand over his face like a swooning damsel, and Neku drops the pillow over his head.

Joshua scoots it down just enough to be able to see him over the top and squeezes it, wantonly innocent. “You’re going to muffle me?” he says with a wibble, and no: Neku’s going to **smother** him. He pushes the pillow back over the guy’s face and holds it down, trying not to grin at the inevitable cackling from his composer.

“Josh, behave,” he orders futilely, and the guy hums. “Don’t blow me up again, either.”

“I’m not making any promises.”

Great. Wonderful, even. He thinks on if and how the guy’s messing with him, but Joshua really doesn’t mean anything bad and Neku ruffles his hair as Joshua smiles at him in contentment, already sneaking the pillow back down. He can watch if he behaves, Neku decides, but he’s shoving the pillow back onto his face if he insists on singing again. Once was too much.

He gets a chuckle from what Joshua heard of that thought, and he hikes up Joshua’s thighs as he gets into a good position. They’re firmer than they have any right to be, but the guy’d probably make them jiggle if Neku liked that more: he’s pretty shameless, and Neku idly considers that Joshua won’t need that scarf today. “Ditch that,” he says, flicking a finger, and his level stare outlasts Joshua’s sly inclination to nix the pillow instead.

No deliberate misinterpretations _this_ time, bucko, but that doesn’t stop Joshua from having a skirt and panties where he’d been nude a moment before. He raises an eyebrow, but the guy’s as unrepentant as always and Neku can’t blame him: if nothing else, Joshua’s an experience.

He pulls the panties aside enough to check if the guy needs any prep, and of course he doesn’t: he’s slick and open enough Neku **knows** he needs to be suspicious, and Neku glances up to him beckoning him with two fingers and sighs. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I,” he says, and the guy laughs.

“Do I ever not make it up to you?”

No, he does, and it’s probably only fair if he doesn’t get off like Neku does, but he’s still nervous as he gets his dick out and slides it in, and it’s completely deserved as he rams in without meaning to, Joshua’s butt eating him without any effort at all. “Can’t you be _normal?_ ” he says, already knowing the answer, and he pulls away to try to get a middle ground, but it’s like if he stuck his dick in a [water wriggler](http://www.thetoybug.com.au/WebRoot/ecshared01/Shops/toybug/4F40/2FD0/2345/C183/8306/C0A8/D20D/B94E/JX-SW_S_1.jpg): he’s at one end or the other without any in between, and he’s lost control of his life.

“This is more fun,” Joshua tells him, and he bets it is!

“You don’t even really feel this,” he accuses, but that doesn’t stop the guy and it’s kind of charming, really, how earnestly gleeful he is over getting one over him when Neku _knew_ it was gonna be a trap, and it’s not the least erotic thing Neku’s ever done. Actually, it’s kind of fun, and he tries in vain to find a good angle until Joshua takes pity on him and tightens himself Neku can grind properly.

He’s calling foul if Joshua ever does this _again,_ mind you, but a bit of funny sex after a rough day – there are worse things, and when Joshua finally gets him off, they’re both giggling like teenagers. “You’re a good kid, Neku,” Joshua says afterward, and even if Neku’s years older than Joshua will ever be, he’s still content to cuddle up with him and fall asleep.

* * *

When he wakes up, he’s got that weird feeling like he should be groggy and isn’t, and he’s left wallowing in half-sleep to the dulcet tune of someone typing.

Joshua didn’t ditch him while he slept this time. That’s a first, and he yawns exaggeratedly to get Joshua’s attention. “I hear you,” the guy murmurs, and Neku kicks him. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to get his attention, and he notices blearily Joshua’d put him in pyjamas as he slept.

“What time is it?”

“Too early for you,” he says, but he’s up (well, down) and Neku’s up and that’s what matters. “Most of the city’s asleep right now.”

Then Joshua probably isn’t doing anything important. Neku unfolds his wings as he sits up to spy on Joshua’s screen, and the guy eyes them before just barely scooting within reach. Looks like the guy’s sending emails, which isn’t on Neku’s top ten for exciting, but he snoops all the same.

Joshua’s actually being polite to whoever he’s speaking to, polite enough Neku can’t find the barb, and he jerks when he sees his name. _Wow,_ that’s a lot about Conductor Sakuraba, and Joshua even found nice things to say about the other conductors Neku’d brought into Shibuya. Commendations all around, and a polite denial from Joshua for … reassignment? “Does this mean what I think it means?”

“That the Higher Plane wants to steal you?” he asks. “Neku, it took you an hour to solve something I’d waited years for a technician for. Yes, they want you.”

And Joshua’s not going to give him up, either. He looks at it again, then shakes his head. That is _way_ too glowing for four in the morning, though the praise is better than other possibilities. “I’m not anything special,” he says with a laugh, and Joshua looks at him like there aren’t words for how wrong he is.

“Is everyone convincing Minamimoto to cooperate these days?”

No, but that doesn’t mean he can get **everyone** to do real work. “I had to bribe Lollipop.”

“It’s Kariya. He’d rather be erased than work when he doesn’t have to, bless him.” Fair. Completely insane, but fair.

What has his life come to, that _Neku_ is the bastion of cooperation? He groans and flops onto Joshua, needing someone to reassure him that not everything’s gone bonkers, and Joshua obligingly pats him on the head. “You’re very good,” he says, massaging Neku’s scalp, and he does a little twist of psi to put Neku’s wings away.

Neku brings them back out.

Joshua looks at them, and him, and his wings again. “They’re very cute,” he says, like to a child, and Neku sulks. That’s not what he meant, and Josh _knows_ it, so why –

There’s an easy solution here. Neku leans into Joshua’s petting, nudging him down to scratch Neku’s neck for him, then flicks a wing up to brush against Joshua’s arm. At least, he tries: his wing stops just shy of touching, and then the composer grips it hard enough it fucking **hurts** as he sears in an imprint: ` I go at my pace, not yours. Ask politely, hm?` He holds it for a few seconds longer, the pain fading as Neku gets used to his vibe but he still can’t _move,_ and then lets go as Neku’s whole body tingles like he hit his funny bone.

He shivers over his whole body, then lightly smacks Joshua in the face. “ _Bad_ composer,” he says, mostly joking, but the guy’s brow furrows like he’s actually upset and then Neku’s sitting up. “-- I can cut out the dog jokes if it bothers you. We’re friends, after all.”

“No, it’s fine,” he says, though it clearly isn’t. “I simply … a good composer would not have helped you last night, Neku.”

Wait, what? “It wouldn’t have been possible without you,” he says slowly, and he’s pretty sure it’s true. Those other conductors were strong, but they’re not _Joshua,_ and Josh is the one person he’s still good at syncing with. Fighting taboo noise without him? Pass. Seriously, _pass;_ he saw too many people get erased to want to try.

“Without me, you all would be the only casualties,” he says back, quiet, and Neku looks at him. “A composer devoured by taboo noise takes their district with them. That’s why it’s taboo, in fact: Sanae could have destroyed Shibuya by accident, and while we proved last night it truly did make the difference in expanding Shibuya’s capabilities … mm, I wonder if it’s even possible to be both a good composer and a friend to you, Neku.”

Wow. Uh, that’s something he would have liked to know, but since it all turned out well, he’s just going to try to forget that now, thanks. “Friendship means you can say no,” he points out, just in case, and Joshua flips his hair back.

“It was fun,” he says, like it excuses everything, and that bothers Neku somewhere deep. “You’ll go into the annals of history as doing something thought to be impossible for mere reapers, and I have a strong position to argue for a pardon for Sanae. Not bad for a night’s work, don’t you think?”

Yeah, but – he takes a deep breath and resolves to drop it. Joshua doesn’t care any more about his own erasure than he does anyone else’s; Neku knew that already. “Make sure I know what the consequences are if I screw up,” he says instead, and Joshua shrugs.

“You knew we could all be erased; why worry?” he says lightly. “I trusted you to have it under control.”

But Neku _doesn’t_ have it under control. He’s not sure it’s even possible to have things less under control than he does. But Joshua’s faith is a hell of a thing, and he doesn’t – he doesn’t want to argue. Not over whether Neku’s trustworthy, not over whether Joshua’s trustworthy, not over anything where they’ll just go in circles. “My wings itch.”

“They’ve been known to do that.”

Yes, but Joshua’s **right there,** and Neku scratches _his_ itches. Well, if Joshua wants him to use his words, he’ll use his words: “Can you make them stop?”

A sidelong look. “They’ll keep itching until your vibe settles,” he murmurs, and fine, but can Joshua help it settle? “At the level you’re going to, you won’t be able to become human again, not as you are.”

“I’m already not human.” Still that look, like Joshua’s thinking about something complicated, but in the end, it’s pretty simple. “Josh, would _you_ have ever traded in the UG?”

He fluffs up his hair with a sigh, but Neku knows the answer’s no. “You were the one insisting you needed to return to the Realground, Neku,” he says, petulant. “We both know that wasn’t based on anything you had waiting for you, either. Don’t be shocked I remain skeptical after you fought so hard.”

“That was then, dude. This is now. Now, I’m not losing anything because I know my life’s gonna be in Tokyo and _reapers do Realground things._ Just because you don’t doesn’t mean I won’t.”

“Do you promise?”

He’s serious, deadly serious, and so Neku stops to let it sink in so the guy’ll know he **means** it. “Yes, I promise,” he says, and Joshua’s psi hits him like a bus.

` Relax,` he says, and Neku feels him rooting around for Neku’s sensory input. It takes a few tries, his limbs feeling like jelly when he can feel them at all, but then his sight comes back and all he feels is what seems like a heartbeat, or many heartbeats, or – the people in Shibuya? Yes, that’s what they’d feel like if they were all in sync, but they _aren’t_ in sync and – too much noise.

Quiet again. `Too much, too soon,` Joshua says, and that’s sight, hearing, smell, taste – does he need touch? _Yes,_ he needs touch; what the hell, Joshua, and dim that channel and – he wakes up. He was asleep? Only for twenty minutes; he needed tuning.

He has the curious sensation of being in two places at once, though not for the first time, but his noise form could never _see himself_ and Joshua’s patting his hair gently as he pulls lines of soul out of his body and into his wings. Not much, not yet: he’s starting with the basics. This is Neku Sakuraba, born at Tokyo General on ██ at ██:██, died ██, returned ██, died and returned ██, died and returned ██ – Neku laughs. “Put all that on my grave.”

It’s funny because he won’t be getting one. He won’t be getting a spot in the family shrine, either, and he’s … less upset than he should be, he thinks. “You’ll still be alive to the world at large,” Joshua says reasonably, and yes, he is, and yes, he will be.

He won’t age, though, and when he finally dies for real, he’ll be gone. But not without living people who remember him, and Joshua plucks out memories of the Game before settling them into place, neatly strengthening the parts Joshua thinks he’ll need and setting aside what he won’t, the discordant notes carefully muted. Still intact, Joshua assures him, but out of play.

Neku fidgets, second thoughts turning into fourth thoughts, but he can’t feel any holes like he did in his first and second weeks, and Joshua runs him through a series of imprints, comparing his memories to the ones without alteration, and Neku’s head hurts. An awareness of the faces in the crowd, some recognition of the reapers he met but didn’t care about – added details, or details Neku didn’t realize he noticed. Maybe he’s less mad at some of the reapers, maybe some of the shine’s back on Mr H 'cause it can’t be easy running around making sure everyone follows the rules, but he barely feels any difference and he sighs relief.

And then Joshua asks him where he wants to live and his claws are already out. “Don’t make me be like you,” Neku warns, and even without any threat to finish it with, Joshua strokes his wing in quiet approval and that gets Neku even more on edge about something even Neku knows is stupid.

“I’m not sending you out of Tokyo,” Joshua assures him, like he hadn’t done that exact thing already, and that gets another blast of reaper ferocity as Joshua makes adjustments, time stuttering in Neku’s perception as he’s played and played back. “Shall I ask again?”

“No, gimme a sec,” he says, and he tries to ground himself, breathing steadily even though he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he leaves Shibuya all the time. He even leaves Tokyo sometimes, if not very often, and if Joshua made him recoil at the thought of visiting Mt Fuji, he needs that fixed.

He loves his first three partners, and he can learn to love the reapers he’s met, but he doesn’t need them. He doesn’t need company in his own head and he doesn’t need to know where he is like he grew up there. He has class on Monday and that’s not far away, even if he doesn’t know the side streets; it’s still his city and still people as different as all his neighbors. It’s fine.

And then he remembers how Minamimoto and Pinky looked at Joshua last night, and he growls low in his chest. No, no: that’s not who he is. Joshua is his friend, but Neku won’t kill for him, not if he has a choice. “Josh?”

“A protective streak looks good on you,” he says, wistful, but he digs his psi in all the same to find his mistake. He has to have overdone _something,_ and he hums as he filters through the likely suspects, sketching out his understanding of Neku’s character in response to the memories and emotions he’s looking at. It’s all too much for Neku to remember for more than a few seconds at a time, but he hits the crescendo of their duel and something about the song sounds wrong, no matter that it paints a pretty picture.

“What are you doing?” he asks, looking over his shoulder at him, and it takes the composer a few moments to bring his attention back down to the UG.

He’s quiet as he looks for words for what’s better expressed in imprint and psi, but Neku can be patient. “You trusted your partner, even when I didn’t trust myself,” he says finally, but that’s not it at all. It _sounds_ good, and it might even be better than the truth, but Joshua’s messing with his **soul** here: he needs to get it right.

“Josh, you’d just betrayed me,” he says frankly, and the composer’s smile is wistful, maybe apologetic if Neku wants to be generous, but he doesn’t and Joshua doesn’t deserve it, not this time. He’s not sure he’ll ever understand him, or even fully forgive him; he’s not sure Joshua wants him to. “Wanting or not wanting never came into it. I didn’t shoot you because I **couldn’t.** ”

“The absence of a choice is still a choice, Neku.”

Maybe, but Neku knows what he would’ve decided if he had to think it out. Joshua isn’t more important than the city; he couldn’t be. Neku panicked and bargained, but if he had enough time to come to terms with it, he could’ve killed Joshua then.

He doesn’t know if he could kill him now.

… No, he doesn’t _want_ to know if he could kill him. If Joshua asked him to, he could. He knows he could, and he’s lying to himself if he thinks it’s impossible for him to ever take Joshua’s position, and he’s crying. He doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t know how to stop, and Joshua carefully extracts himself from Neku’s wings and mind, then gets up.

“I’m making coffee,” Joshua announces, and Neku nods slightly. He doesn’t want coffee, but a glass of water appears on the table and he drinks it gratefully, desperate for something to do with his hands.

“I don’t blame you,” he says, because it’s important that Joshua know that. Neku isn’t mad at him and he’s not even mad Joshua wants him to – wants him to take him out when the time comes. He’s the best choice and they both know it.

… He just wishes no one would ever have to. “You’re a good friend,” Joshua says back, setting a cup down for Neku and sipping the one for himself, and that’s fast enough he had to have cheated.

Neku’s glad for it. “Nah,” he says, “a good friend would find another way.”

A huff from Joshua, and then he’s considering, probably trying to see if Neku’ll allow contact now. He scoots a little to give Joshua room, then sips his coffee as the guy vanishes and reappears next to him, his leg brushing against him. Neku glances at him, but he’s staring into his own coffee and Neku leaves him be.

The air rustles as Joshua takes out his wings, the sound more an idea of a sound than truly audible, and Neku pretends like he’s not paying attention as the composer unfolds one and carefully tents it over Neku, not quite touching. _Mine, mine, mine, mine,_ he’s saying, his imprint heavy enough Neku feels it take hold on other people’s sense of him, and Neku flicks his own wings out to touch.

It fucking hurts when Joshua’s not avoiding him, but the composer burning out everything other than here and now and a reminder he is loved is – Neku doesn’t have words for it, can’t think enough to find them. `You're really very good,` Joshua tells him as he pulls him in close, and he’d really like to argue but he simply groans instead, submitting when he’s told he’s doing well and should relax and enjoy himself. It feels good, doesn’t it, and after the suggestion, Neku has to agree, couldn’t imagine not liking it. Joshua has him and he’ll be kept until he wants to leave.

“Which should be soon,” Joshua mutters, but Neku can’t imagine it. He wonders briefly if Joshua wants him to want to go, but that’s not it: he’s enjoying himself, and so is Neku. And the composer is – like this, Neku can see some of the bits that are just Joshua and not Shibuya at all, and he loves them, can’t imagine not loving them. Even the sharp edges – he’s perfect, and people are perfect, and he loves … everyone …

He loves Beat and Shiki and Rhyme, and he loves them more as Joshua sketches out his feelings, shaping them into a proper narrative. Four movements should do it, thinks Joshua, who’s been three acts since he met Neku. Acts? They’re people, not stories, but every person has a story and – he’s thinking in Joshua’s head, or Joshua’s thinking in his head, and Joshua remembers how it feels to try to sort yourself out; does he want Joshua to handle him quick or to put him down gently?

He doesn’t know; everything is hazy, and he closes his eyes as he lets Joshua take care of him. This is what is good from his childhood; here is his school and his friends (few but dear) and his family, and Joshua strains out the bad parts as Neku tries to make sense of it. He loved people from the start, or he thinks he did, but getting close means getting hurt and Joshua ties it together, lingers on Neku’s memories of his old friend. He was important to Neku, and he’s gone now, but Joshua sees it, knows it, brightens up the good parts.

It hurts, some of it old and some of it like it was yesterday, but sometimes looking at it again’s the only way to dull the edges, and Joshua snips out the lingering guilt over a petty argument: it happened and it’s done now. And then he stops and looks upon his work, and yes: that’s Neku as he was, and as he won’t be again.

Neku’s not that person anymore, but maybe he can forgive that person. He was small and petty, but he learned better. He’s better now.

(The composer’s psi still burns around him, but who doesn’t want to be seen and not found wanting? Joshua’s looking and he likes what he finds, likes the reminder of what the humans under his purview find important. Likes Neku, for good or ill, and Neku knows it’s not as an equal but maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe he can be satisfied with a god.)

And then Joshua’s looking at his steps and missteps since the Game, at his friendships and acquaintances and even his little rivalries with that person who’s always near him on the class rankings, and Neku pulls away. They should have privacy, he thinks, but Joshua’s not really a person and he won’t be getting involved. It’s still not right, Neku thinks, from their views if nothing else, but he wants another perspective and he yields anyway.

Joshua honestly likes Neku’s friends, and it’s as surprising now as it was the first time he noticed, the composer’s professional satisfaction in his victors winding under and through a more personal sense of them being good people, and he sticks in a simple thread as he sorts through Neku’s relationships: _this is what the Game should do._ It **should** be forming friendships that will last a lifetime, and friendships that only stay while they’re dead – not everyone is compatible. And without Joshua’s involvement, Neku would’ve stayed close to them for decades.

It’s Joshua who splintered them, and as he lays out Neku’s mistakes and points at what Neku did right, he asks questions Neku doesn’t want to: how much was the stress of the UG? How much is Neku’s own vibe? And how much were Neku’s own decisions?

It’s not important. What matters is that they were happy before and they’ll be happy again, that Shiki find a place to shine as she deserves, that Beat be able to care without censor, that Rhyme find her own way. That Neku become someone he himself would be proud of, and he’s content as Joshua writes his finishing touches and sends him to sleep.

* * *

The lounge is so quiet he can hear everything, from the little tricks of spacial warping to keep the fish tanks working to the thrum of the composer, and he could grasp for his neighborhoods if he wanted. Udagawa sounds better than he’d ever heard it, and the people are happier, too: there’s no noise built into the landscape to send them awry.

Neku sighs contentedly into the couch. Joshua has the best couches, and he doesn’t even care that Joshua’s not on them right now. Joshua’s power runs through the place deeply enough, he’s not just in the room: he **is** the room, and it’s hard to imagine how Neku ever felt abandoned when he woke up with more space than he went to sleep with.

He’s home.

Joshua shows up eventually, soul energy staticking into his usual simulacrum of a human form, and Neku gives him a lazy wave. “Hey, Josh,” he says easily, and the composer’s cautious as he sits down opposite him. Not truly nervous, Neku can feel, but concerned, and Neku would shuffle through to find why if he didn’t know Joshua was handing him the cards.

It’s just not the same if he knows Joshua’s only letting him look because he gets suspicious otherwise. “Good morning, Neku,” Joshua says, yawning. “May I call Sanae over? He makes the best coffee, you know.”

He does, but Joshua’s looking at him blearily and Neku **knows** he doesn’t need caffeine. “Go ahead,” he says, and he reaches with his psi to find how Joshua really feels as the guy texts his friend. Exhausted, emotionally if not physically; concerned about Neku’s involvement in the coming Game; uncertainty if Neku’ll still be recognisable when Joshua’s done with him. He really is tired, just not from lack of sleep.

Joshua types a little more on his phone, then closes it and puts it away. “Sanae ought to look you over,” he adds, and that’s fine: Neku didn’t think he was just coming to be Joshua’s coffee flunky. “May I --?”

Neku inclines his head, and then he’s got his composer standing over him as he rubs under Neku’s chin with his fingers, and Neku growls lowly, his wings flaring out. He’s not a pet, and he’s definitely not _Joshua’s_ pet, but the guy’s just checking if that still annoys him, and yes, it does. He’s then checking Neku’s wingspan and wing thickness, his fingers not even coming close to touching Neku, and then he’s noting down the measurements as Neku shuffles, the whole thing less fun than a good cuddle.

He was frustrated with Joshua, he remembers, because the guy – did something, and even knowing the guy’s right there checking on how he’s doing doesn’t make it easier to remember, but then Joshua’s satisfied and sitting next to him and he remembers: Joshua broke up with him. It wasn’t even that long ago, but the betrayal’s softened into disappointment, and Joshua nudges him with his elbow.

“You sound clearer,” Joshua says into his ear, and Neku wonders how he can tell. Even when he presses in with his psi for how Joshua senses him, the only differences are over months; the little phrases the composer plays for him sound exactly the same. He’d know, though, and Neku’s content as he pulls his composer in to snuggle close, the guy happy enough Neku’s left vibrating, too. “I worried I’d leave you sounding like Megumi.”

Like _Megumi?_ Is that even possible? “I’m nothing like him,” he states, and he might not have known him well, but he knows it’s true. Neku’s not somebody who’d worship their composer like that; sometimes, Neku can barely keep from punching him in the head.

And then Joshua’s head is on his lap, and Neku’s _got_ to whack him, he’s just got to. It doesn’t dissuade his barnacle one bit, no matter that Mr H will be here soon, and Neku pulls him over so he’s sitting on Neku’s lap, Joshua’s arm around his neck as he rubs his shoulder, and Neku elbows him a few times to get space for his arm.

“Sanae’s asking to come in,” Joshua says into his ear, and Neku watches the guy static new clothes into being, a cute blue skirt and a yellow blouse, and when Joshua catches him looking, Joshua’s chest expands just enough to give Neku something to spy on.

“Perv,” Neku says back as he looks away for something safe, and Joshua asks him silently to pick their outfits, just like Neku used to do. Practical boys’ clothes for Joshua, he decides, though he can keep the breasts if he really wants to, and he visualizes a tight sweater on the guy before Joshua turns it to reality. For himself, he wants something baggy and casual: cargo pants, maybe, and it feels phenomenally weird when Joshua twigs Neku’s wings to make it so. Weird, but not bad, and he declares it good before giving Joshua permission to unlock the door.

There’s a knocking sound, and a buzzer as the combo lock accepts the password, but Neku’s wings don’t pick up _anybody_ until Mr Hanekoma calls in a hearty, “Morning, boss.” Then it’s like it simply slipped his mind: Hanekoma’s been there and a guy like that has to know what he’s doing, and Joshua pats his shoulder before perking up, his weight on Neku as he greets his friend.

“Mr H, come grovel before the man of the hour,” Joshua says, waving him over, and he settles back onto Neku’s lap while Neku wonders if it’s worth pushing him off. He feels good, is the problem, the composer’s vibe strong enough to leave him tingly but with no intent on harming him, all that power contained for his protection, and Neku fidgets as Joshua nudges the angel’s imprint down. `He does it without thinking,` Joshua tells him, but it’s not enough to bring his good mood back as Mr H obediently walks over and looks at them.

“Neku,” he says, his stare piercing behind his sunglasses, and Neku’s back tightens. He doesn’t know how to feel about this guy, even with Joshua mellowing out some of the pain and bringing back his gratitude at being stopped from making the worst mistake of his existence, but not knowing settles him:

“You heard the boss,” Neku says. “Grovel.”

And maybe it was a joke, but it’s serious now, both of them careful as they watch Mr Hanekoma get onto his knees and then lower his head, and Joshua lazily zaps him with a small bolt of lightning until his wings are out, too. They’re completely gorgeous, the whites of his feathers containing every other color within, but Neku’s own wings twitch as he scans them and Hanekoma’s missing most of his power, even compared to a few weeks ago.

“Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Sanae?” The guy shakes his head, and Joshua hops up. “He’s all yours, Neku,” he says with a bow, and Neku gets off the couch to stretch. It’s satisfying, having his former mentor at his feet like this, but he’s not someone who’s going to drag this out, and he crouches down to look at him.

“You hurt Joshua really badly,” he says, pulling Hanekoma onto his knees so they’re at eye level, and he hears Joshua perch on the back of the couch to watch them, their pact active just enough for Neku to feel his support, know Joshua’s behind him no matter what. “That monster in the taboo noise sigil – what _was_ that?”

“I knew I wouldn’t be forgiven,” he says, and that’s not an answer. Neku doesn’t need one, though: that was Hanekoma, and this is Hanekoma, and the Tin Pin world has its own Hanekoma, and they’re all the same. The same person, willing to sacrifice everything and everyone for the sake of Shibuya, and that monster was – what happens afterward, he guesses. The consequences none of them ever saw.

“It’s over now,” Neku says, and he’s slow and deliberate as he reaches for Hanekoma’s wings, giving both him and Joshua time to object. They don’t, both of them thinking it’s his right, and within those feathers – Hanekoma loves them all. Even more than Joshua does, the composer’s capacity tempered by human frustrations, impatience with their inability to get along – Hanekoma loves them _because_ they argue, _because_ they clash and conflict and find a better way, and he’s not human at all.

He hasn’t been for a long time, and maybe he doesn’t need to be. There’s no concern there for Neku’s feelings about him, like it couldn’t matter less how Neku thinks of him or even how Joshua thinks of him – all he cares about are actions, and that they do their best. Neku is nearly human, and Joshua is caught between: their ties are necessary in a way Hanekoma’s are not, and Hanekoma loves them for it.

And Joshua loves him right back, just as he is. Neku doesn’t, but when he pulls his hands and psi away, he’s shaking: he could, if he wanted to, and Hanekoma’s helped him a lot. Worse, he’s helped Neku for good reasons, and even when he’s been cruel, Neku understands it. He doesn’t want to, but he does, and he buries his face into Hanekoma’s chest before he can start crying. “I’m _sorry,_ ” he says, not even sure what he’s sorry for, but Mr H hugs him and his psi feels so **good,** like he does good and is good, and Neku wants to feel it forever even if – even if Mr H is really an asshole, sometimes.

“Come on, let’s get off the floor,” he says, but he lifts up Neku without any work and stands them up, not disrupting their embrace. Joshua’s watching from on top of the couch, but Neku waves his hand and this is a group hug, now, they need Joshua in it, too. The guy darts in quick enough, but with Neku now the size of Hanekoma (and he’s never going to get used to that; he should always be small like he was at fifteen) his head’s too low and Neku lifts him up to their level.

Joshua could’ve done that himself, of course, but this means Joshua’s butt’s resting on Neku’s hand, and Neku squeezes it just slightly, just because he can. Joshua doesn’t react in any way Neku can tell, but he slides his wings out to cover both Neku and Hanekoma as he hugs them both, then leans in close to Neku’s face to try kissing him thoroughly.

It’s nice – it’s _very_ nice, especially with Joshua’s psi grounding him and tying him to home – but there’s a reason it’s a bad idea right now and that reason clears his throat. Neku scrambles away hurriedly, his face hot, and Joshua grins at him, utterly unrepentant even as Hanekoma smacks him upside the head. “Josh, Phones is _not a toy,_ ” he says, poking Joshua in the collar until he backs up and plops back onto the couch, his arms crossed to perk up his new breasts. Mr H is completely unfazed, though, apparently used to this, and he swats Joshua again for the errant sex appeal. Neku tries not to laugh.

“Betrayed again so soon, I see,” Joshua mutters, eying them both, but then he leans back and Neku can tell when he’s trying to look wanton, thank you, and he’s not having any of it. “Sanae, go – do breakfast things,” he says, wiggling his fingers, and none of them move. “Sanae. Neku is hungry.”

Not that hungry, he’d say, but Mr H stares Joshua down and Neku’d rather fight a lion noise than get involved with their bickering. “If he’s hungry, he can pay me.”

“And he’d pay you with my money that I get from your tithe,” he says back, “so why don’t you skip the middle-man and simply make him breakfast, hm, old friend?”

“He’s _your_ conductor.”

“And you’re _my_ producer, so hop to.”

He does not hop to. In fact, both of them look at Neku like Neku’s supposed to resolve this, and Neku sighs. “I cleaned up your mess and Josh thinks he can get you pardoned,” Neku says, “so you owe me breakfast, Mr H. **Forever.** ”

“Or as long as all three of us reside in the same district,” Joshua corrects, but that’s forever, innit? “I don’t trust the two of you alone, Neku. He uses aerosols _indoors,_ did you know that?”

Neku tuts, though it’s not like it matters to any of them, and it’s nice. It’s even nicer once Hanekoma’s whipped up coffee and breakfast and they all get something to eat, though he knows he cheated. There’s a funny flavor to the pancakes, a bit of Hanekoma’s psi where there should’ve been the history of the milk, but it’s still good and he’s still happy to have breakfast from someone else.

And Hanekoma’s happy, too, his satisfaction out where Neku can hear, and it’s pervasive enough Neku’s content to let Joshua snuggle in close, no matter that they’re in public. That Joshua likes him is no surprise, and he knows Mr H has got to hear it on him: why play aloof? “Neku, did Josh …?” the guy asks eventually, and Neku shrugs.

“He helped me sort some things out,” he says, twitching his wings, and he knows Joshua’d be burying his hands in them if he thought Neku and Hanekoma would allow it. It’s a bit awkward, though, and he rubs his neck before adding, “I wasn’t gonna live like a human anyway.”

A hum, but Mr H doesn’t seem mad and Joshua strokes Neku’s back, careful to leave Neku’s wings alone. “It was his idea,” the composer says, careless, and something about that should grate on Neku, would’ve before last night.

Now, though, all he can remember is having more choices than he wanted to take, and the promise of security. Shibuya is his home, has always been his home, and now he has a say in how it grows. It’s enough.

It will be enough.

* * *

Joshua doesn’t want to let him go, of course, always thinking of something else to do for him, but it’s a Saturday before a Game and they all have work. He helps enough to feel useful, then leaves the two of them to it: his wings need stretching and truthfully he’s kind of bored.

They’re good people, even if they’re not people.

He takes the long way home, meandering through his parts of the city like he owns them, and there’ll be a concert in A-East later. He doesn’t have tickets, but he thinks he’ll go anyway: it’s easy to sneak in when you can go invisible.

The ramen guy looks well, and he sees a flash of dark hair and tanned skin as Minamimoto finds somewhere else to be. Probably scared Neku’ll make him work in groups again, but Mr Doi notices him just before he tunes down and Neku’s sheepish. “I’m just checking on things,” he says, but the ramen guy wants to fill him up and Neku has to explain he’s already eaten. He tells him that Minamimoto did something really good last night, and the guy’s so pleased that it was totally worth it, especially when Neku notices he’s not asking for details.

Former reaper, he remembers, and he’d like to see that composer again, now that he’s less … unstable. There’s no other way to put it: he was off balance, but he’s fine again, the UG’s certainty far enough down for him to lean on, and he feels bad about just dropping in and out of the reaper Yoshiya’s life without any consideration at all. Maybe he can talk to him again someday, _without_ putting him on the spot, and let him know he knows now Joshua can’t be given enough rope to hang himself. He’s going to have to ride herd on his composer anytime he needs anything, but Joshua’s selfish, not cruel, and Neku can work with that.

He’s going to have to, because he’s not leaving the UG. It’s either going to be Joshua or someone else, but he won’t be alone, and he … he ought to let Beat know. That he can have the apartment to himself, if nothing else.

But for now, he’s happy, and he intends to stay that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, last chapter went up on Valentines. Okay then! This has been a WILD RIDE and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed (?) writing it. Seriously, before I started in with the JoshNekus I'd never written more than 500 consecutive words of _anything._ And here we are!! A happy ending, plus or minus a bit of mind control. Neku's happy, at least. Presumably? God only knows.
> 
> I've got a few ideas for sidestories still, that I may or may not end up ever writing, but. This should be it for TWEWY longfic from me. At least I hope so. If there's questionssss, or things you think might make a hot short fic, feel free to bring them up \o\ /o/ I have many thoughts on this fic series and no longer care about spoiling any plot arcs, haha, because we are DONE.


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